I ignored the voice that was taunting me. The voice that told me the crown wasn’t the only thing missing. Joy. Happiness. Satisfaction. All of those things were nowhere to be found.
This night represented everything I’d spent my high school career working toward—the apex of popularity and leadership. I stood at the center of the A-list crowd, with the girls fawning and the guys drooling.
And I didn’t feel a thing.
Nothing.
Well, nothing except a hollow pit of sadness that I refused to acknowledge. It would pass.
And then?
And then nothing. Then I would graduate. I’d leave Alex and the others behind and go off to college.
And then?
God, that little voice was a nag. It wouldn’t rest and it made me feel restless as I stood there. Maybe I should dance, after all. I needed to do something to avoid the niggling doubt that was telling me this numbness wouldn’t last. That the dissatisfaction I was feeling with this prom and with life in general wasn’t going to be fixed with a crown.
Nothing in my life will change, it said. No crown would make me happy, no amount of fawning friends would satisfy me, and no amount of Alex’s groveling would make me fall in love with him again. My heart had been broken too many times. The damage was irreparable.
I was unfixable.
Jesus, that was depressing.
A shift in the atmosphere around me managed to pull me out of my inner funk. Alex stiffened and the crowd around me moved slightly trying to get a better look at something behind me.
“I can’t believe he showed.” Melody’s voice held just the tiniest hint of glee but it was enough to tell me who he was.
Enough to make my heart leap painfully in my chest before I could stop it. I swiveled back around even though I was too short to see anything. Not even these crazy high heels gave me a view.
Which was good, I told myself. There was a chance I’d see that look on his face again—the shocked hurt, the pained disbelief. And I honestly wasn’t sure I’d be able to stand up to that.
I’d nearly crumbled in the hallway after telling him it was over. His genuine response had been enough to break through the numbness for one achingly painful moment. Then I’d steeled myself against it. I’d been steeling myself against the memory ever since. Every time I let my guard down—in the shower, before I fell asleep—there he was. Julian looking disappointed in me. Julian looking hurt. Julian glancing across the auditorium with a look of such tenderness the mere memory made my heart squeeze painfully.
“Guess the geek didn’t learn his lesson,” Alex said.
He sounded far too cocky. He’d won. I wasn’t worried he’d cause more trouble because he’d gotten me as his date. Julian had gone back to being the loner outcast. Harmless and on the outskirts.
Except that he wasn’t on the outskirts. He was here. Now.
At the freakin’ prom.
Why?
Oh God, it was almost impossible to keep my back to the door as the rest of my friends craned their heads to catch sight of the hipster geek who’d dared to show up after being treated like crap by the royal couple.
“He’s coming over here,” Melody said with a dramatic gasp. She didn’t sound horrified. She sounded excited. Ecstatic, even.
I glared at her. This girl was a glutton for punishment.
She ignored my glare, her eyes widening with anticipation. I could practically feel the tension building as this crowd of vultures waited for a scene to unfold.
Go away, I mentally shouted to Julian. Escape while you can.
The truly sad fact was, it wasn’t Alex I feared at that moment. Alex wouldn’t hurt him. But I would. Not physically, but that didn’t make it any better. In fact, it made it so much worse.
My mental yelling didn’t work. I felt a tap on my shoulder. For a second I thought about ignoring him completely, but I couldn’t ignore him. Not only were my friends and Alex staring at him over my head, I could feel his body behind me. I could smell that scent that was uniquely his. If I tried hard enough I could probably pick out his breathing through the music.
After all the time we’d spent together, I was attuned to him. His physical presence couldn’t be ignored any more than I could ignore my heart’s crazy tempo knowing he was near.
“What are you doing here, man?” Alex asked, but without any real heat. If anything he just sounded confused.
I didn’t wait for Julian to respond. Maybe part of me was afraid of his response, I don’t know. I whipped around to face him once I was certain that my face was projecting the correct emotion.
Not the real one, but the right one for the moment. Benign boredom. I let my gaze sweep over him and tried not to feel anything at the sight of him in a tux.
He looked good. I mean, he always looked good, he was a handsome guy. But in a tuxedo, he looked older, wiser, more mature.
He also looked unbelievably sexy.
“Can we talk?” His voice was low and achingly familiar. Call me crazy but his voice eased something inside me even as my anxiety levels rose at what I had to do. This sexy jerk was forcing me to push him away all over again.
He glanced meaningfully over my shoulder at the audience who was watching us before looking to me again. “In private?”
My mouth went dry but I managed a toss of my hair. I even feigned an exasperated sigh for the benefit of my friends as I leaned over to Alex. “I’ll be right back.”
He nodded but his eyes were still trained on Julian. “Don’t get any ideas, freak.”
Again, it wasn’t said with any real heat and my cynical brain took it to mean that Alex was already moving on from me. He hadn’t even fully won me back yet and he was already bored by the familiar.
I didn’t care. His lack of interest didn’t hurt me anymore, and at this particular moment I was glad for Alex’s apathy because it meant he wouldn’t try anything to hurt Julian.
Besides, all thoughts of Alex and my friends and the upcoming crowning ceremony faded away as I led Julian toward the hallway leading to the bathrooms and the hotel foyer.
My heart seemed to be getting louder with every passing second until I was sure everyone around me could hear it. When we reached the silence of the hallway, my pulse thundered in my ears.
“Are you all right?” I turned around to see Julian scowling down at me, concern etched into his features.
“Of course.”
He stared at me and I glared back and for a second I was reminded of our very first meeting. The fact that my heart was beating dangerously fast had me rapidly approaching meltdown territory.
Yup, there was the familiar choking feeling as tears threatened.
Not now. Do not do this to me now.
Too late.
“Crap,” I muttered, spinning around so Julian couldn’t see me. Where the hell was the numb feeling? Where was that beautiful detachment that had been getting me through the past few days?
One minute in Julian’s presence and it was blown to smithereens. And just like that last time in the storage closet, those repressed emotions came to the surface with a vengeance. “Not now, not now, not now,” I was muttering under my breath like a crazy person as I pressed my fingers to the corners of my eyes as if that might dam the tear ducts. Tears slipped past anyways, the slippery little bastards.
I felt Julian’s hands on my bare shoulders. My gown was strapless and the touch felt supremely intimate. The last of my defenses crumbled at the feel of him.
“What are you doing here?” I still managed to sound like a jerk. And maybe he didn’t know that I was crying…
“Don’t cry, Tina.”
Or maybe he did. Dammit. He was going to be the death of me. “What are you doing here?” I said again.
“I came for you.”
I had to take a shuddery breath before I could speak again. “Why?”
“Why are you crying?”
I let out a short breath that was half laugh, half exasperation. “Wh
y are you answering a question with a question?”
I could hear the hint of amusement in his voice. “I came here because I didn’t believe you the other day.”
I stiffened as his words sliced through me like a knife. Why did he have to make this even harder? I sniffed and struggled for a condescending tone. “Well, you shouldn’t have. I meant what I said, I’m here with Alex. I don’t need you.”
“I know,” he said softly. “You don’t need me. You don’t need anyone.”
“That’s right.” God, my voice sounded pathetic thanks to the tears. “I’m not crying over you. I’m just…hormonal.”
“Uh huh.” He sounded unconvinced. Almost amused, even.
“So then what are you doing here?” I demanded.
When he didn’t immediately answer, my whole body tensed. I didn’t know what I expected him to say, or even what I wanted him to say and the wait was killing me.
Or maybe I did know what I wanted to hear and I just didn’t want to admit it. I knew he was better off without me, but I was a mean girl, remember? Being selfish and self-centered was kind of my thing.
“Turn around, Tina,” he said, his voice soft but firm.
The tears were trickling helplessly now but I did as he said. I watched his eyes widen in concern and his eyes fill with warm tenderness at the sight of my tears. “Oh Tina, please don’t cry.”
I shrugged. “I told you, I’m hormonal.”
“Mmhmm.” He sounded just as unconvinced as the last time.
I met his gaze and wished I hadn’t. I forgot about the tears. I forgot about the fact that a crown was in my imminent future or that Alex and my frenemies were waiting for me.
The panicky feeling subsided a bit as a familiar sensation took hold. It was comfortable but not familiar, sweet but not mild. It filled the air between us like a force field.
The look in his eyes was too tender, too openly emotional. I dropped my gaze and focused on the purple bruise along his jaw. Guilt ate at me. It wasn’t the worst beating I’d ever witnessed, but his bruise was a reminder of just how ill-fit this guy was for my world.
I’d hurt him. I’d disappoint him—I’d already disappointed him. My own words came back to me and made me cringe. “What are you doing here?” I kept asking this question and I wouldn’t stop until I got a real answer. He shouldn’t be here. I’d pushed him away. He should hate me right now.
He tilted my chin up so I was forced to meet his gaze. He looked so serious, it made my chest ache. Maybe he’d come to convince me that I was wrong. Or maybe my own personal knight-in-shining-armor was here for one last attempt at an Alex intervention.
I stiffened, clenching my hands as I reminded myself that this was for the best. That I was doing him a favor. I tried to prepare myself for his words.
But none came.
I inhaled swiftly as he leaned down to kiss me. But there was no time to prepare for the onslaught of sensations as his lips touched mine—so soft, so warm, so infinitely sweet.
I tried to resist, I really did. I tried to hold back, tried to remind myself of all the reasons I’d pushed him away. But when he intensified the kiss, his lips moving over mine with a tender urgency, my mind shut off and I was a goner.
With a little moan I stopped resisting. I let him tug me into his arms and I kissed him back with the same fierce passion.
It was wrong, but I was selfish. I kissed him greedily because this would be my last chance.
When he pulled back, I nearly moaned again, but this time in pain. It was a physical pain that cut through me at the loss of that connection.
He tilted his head down until his forehead rested on mine, our labored breathing mingling. It was only then that I realized I’d been clinging to him, my hands clutching his suit jacket with a grip that bordered on painful.
“Tina, I think I’m falling for you.” His words came out on a rushed breath and they made my heart stop. My stomach did a backflip as my lungs tried and failed to take in air.
“What?” I shoved him away and he stumbled back. “Why would you say something like that?” My voice was too harsh, too shrill. My chest was too tight. I couldn’t breathe, my skin was too tight.
Oh hell no. I leaned forward and braced myself on my knees. I would not have a panic attack at the freakin’ prom.
As if on cue, the music cut off and I heard a voice coming over the PA system, distant and muted thanks to the fact that we were in the hallway, but the message still came through. It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for…
“Tina, talk to me,” Julian said. His voice was soft and filled with concern.
Let’s meet your prom court…
I shook my head, distantly aware that this new pose could not be good for the perfect hair.
Screw it. Screw the hair.
There it was. That force of emotions that would not be denied.
Let’s start with our nominees for prom king…
Julian’s hands were on my shoulders as he helped me to straighten. “Tina, look at me.”
I shook my head. It was too much. All of this was too much. I clung to the sleeves of his jacket. “I can’t do this, Julian.”
His gaze met mine and wouldn’t let go. “Yes,” he said slowly. “You can.”
We both listened to me pant for air as that familiar anxiety threatened to drown me. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Tell me the truth,” he said. “Why did you push me away? Why are you here with Alex?”
He was trying to sound calm and reassuring but I could hear the urgency in his tone and it made my heart hurt. He so wanted to believe the best in me. “Why are you here?” I said in return.
He let out a short exasperated sigh. “I thought I made that clear.”
Because he was falling for me.
The words tugged at me. They were so tempting, hanging between us just begging to be claimed. I could fall into his arms and kiss him again. I could let myself believe that this could last, that I could change, that this great, good, honest, sweet, kind, truthful guy could really be mine.
I shook my head so harshly my hair didn’t stand a chance. “You’re making a mistake.”
“I don’t think I am.”
I opened my mouth to protest but he effectively cut me off by grasping my hands. “And even if I am, it’s my mistake to make.” He pulled me in closer so I was pressed against him. “I know what you’re trying to do, Tina.”
I blinked up at him, shocked by the vehemence in his voice, so at odds with his typical laid back demeanor. “What am I trying to do?”
“You’re trying to push me away,” he said. “You’re telling yourself that you don’t deserve something better than what you had with Alex.” He shook his head, clearly frustrated, with me or maybe with himself. “You’re so hard on yourself Tina.”
That finally broke through my shock. I pulled my hands out of his. “I’m not being hard on myself, I’m being honest with myself. There’s a difference.”
I started to back away but he followed, that irritating announcer’s voice a distant buzz in the background.
Let’s hear it for the prom king nominees! And now to meet the candidates for prom queen…
He wouldn’t let go of my hands and I didn’t want him to. I was being pulled in two directions at once. I wanted to run away and I wanted to throw myself into his arms. I wanted to believe him that he could take care of himself but I also wanted to do whatever it took to keep him from being another victim. I couldn’t help myself, didn’t he see that?
“I can’t promise you that I’ll change.” I hated the desperation in my voice.
Despite his fierce sincerity, I saw a hint of amusement flash across his face. “Why would I want you to?”
I did pull my hands away then, crossing my arms over my chest. The vice of anxiety was starting to ease in the face of anger. He was being deliberately obtuse, making me spell out exactly why this couldn’t work. “You know as well as I do why not,” I snapped.
He crossed his arms too. “Explain it to me.”
I narrowed my eyes, that voice nagging at me as I heard names of my fellow prom queen nominees being announced, followed by cheers. My name would be up at any moment.
“I’m not nice,” I blurted out. “I never will be.”
God, that sounded lame. It wasn’t enough, but it would have to do.
He shrugged. “Nice is overrated.”
I opened my mouth to protest and ended up gaping at him. He’d gone back to his normal, laid back demeanor. He wasn’t just being deliberately obtuse, he truly believed what he said. He found all this amusing. Didn’t he see that I would hurt him? I reached out and smacked his chest so hard that he stumbled back a step, blinking rapidly in surprise but not without an irritatingly knowing smirk as though he’d won this argument.
“You deserve nice,” I said.
He shook his head slowly. “Tina, you singlehandedly salvaged my pride by pretending to be my girlfriend in front of my ex. Wasn’t that nice?”
“That was getting even.”
“You’re loyal, you’re kind,” he continued, ticking them off on his fingers like he was reciting a list. “You’re a good friend, when you want to be. You’re surprisingly thoughtful.”
“It’s only surprising because it’s so rare,” I interjected.
That made him laugh.
“I’m serious, dammit.” I stamped my foot which was only more evidence of my immaturity, of that I was certain.
“And I’m trying to tell you that I think you’re wrong.” He turned serious so suddenly it made my breath catch. “Listen to me, Tina. You are loyal. You are thoughtful. You are genuine, when you want to be. You are honest to a fault.”
“When I want to be,” I muttered. I sounded like a bratty child and I knew it. But I hated being in this position where I was arguing the case for why he should walk away.
“Exactly,” he said. He gave me a rueful smile. “Trust me, no one was more surprised than I was to figure out that the mean girl is actually nice.”
I wrinkled my nose in distaste at that word out of habit.
He laughed at my expression and something inside me eased. This was us. This was how it had been between us from the very beginning. I was myself around him, but also…not. I was me, but better. I was the version of me I liked best, the one I had a hard time being when I spent time around Alex and Melody and the others.
The Prom Kiss (Briarwood High Book 5) Page 14
