"And how was it?"
"Even better than I remembered. I swear, the two of us are made for each other, in every possible way."
"What happened when it was over?"
"I told her I love her and that I still want to spend the rest of my life with her."
He hits my arm. "You're such a girl. What guy says that shit?"
"A guy who's in love. You'd know that if you'd get in a real relationship."
"Relationships are too much work."
"And finding a new girl every week isn't?"
"Obviously not." He smiles and holds his phone up. "Or I wouldn't have got two phone numbers just now."
"That might've been because of me," I say, smiling.
He hits me again. "Shut up, asshole. You don't have to rub it in." He pats his belly. "I'll work this thing off in a couple weeks."
"The way you drink? I doubt it."
"So now what happens? Are you and Willow dating?"
"Probably not. She's not ready to agree to that. But I wouldn't be surprised if we had sex again. She may refuse to date me but I think she's going to want to repeat what we did last night."
"That good, huh?" He leans back on the bench, stretching his legs out.
"It's always good with her. Best sex I've ever had."
"And exactly how much sex have you had since you guys broke up?"
"I don't know. I wasn't keeping track."
He kicks the side of my foot. "Come on. You can tell me. You know I won't tell Willow. How many girls did you hook up with?"
"I'm not giving you numbers. At the time I thought for sure I'd never see her again so I let myself be with a lot of girls, especially right after Willow broke up with me. I was trying to move on, trying to forget about her. But hooking up with other girls just made me realize how much I wanted her back. I even called out her name while I was with another girl."
He chuckles. "Shit, that's bad. What'd the girl do?"
"She didn't know it was a name. She thought I was just yelling out some random word. She actually liked it. She said it sounded sexy, so next time we had sex she kept telling me to say it, so I did."
He laughs. "That's messed up, but freaking hilarious."
"I shouldn't have done it. It just made me think of Willow, which wasn't fair to Jen. That was her name." I hit him. "See? It's been over a year and I still remember the girl's name and you can't remember the name of the girl you were with last night."
He pauses to think. "Miley? Cami? Help me out here."
I roll my eyes. "Haley."
"Haley. Miley. Close enough."
"I can't believe you get girls to sleep with you."
He points to himself. "Between this body and my witty charm, girls can't resist me."
"Yeah, you're real charming. And that beer gut's real attractive."
"So going back to you and Willow, I think you need to put an end to this before she destroys you again."
"She didn't destroy me."
"You quit college before you even started, then disappeared for two years."
Willow doesn't know I'd planned to go to college. I was going to tell her the day she broke up with me. Before I dated Willow, I never even thought about going to college. I was a laid-back surfer who didn't worry about what I'd be doing tomorrow or next week or next year. I took one day at a time and didn't think about stuff like car payments and rent because I didn't have to. I lived at home and drove my mom's car.
But as things got more serious between Willow and me, I started to think more about the future. I knew I wanted to marry her, which meant I needed to start thinking like an adult who would soon have adult responsibilities, like paying for rent and insurance and car payments. Suddenly I was forced to think about the future and make some decisions, one of which was whether or not to go to college. I decided to go, thinking I'd need to in order to get a decent-paying job. It was too late to apply to a four year college so I enrolled at the community college. I was going to work all summer to save money to get my own apartment, then start school in the fall.
I had a future planned out. A future I was excited about and couldn't wait to share with Willow. The day she agreed to marry me was the happiest day of my life. I felt like everything was coming together.
But then a week later, she broke off the engagement, saying she couldn't see a future with me. She was still in high school but had already figured out the plan for her life—a plan that didn't involve me. She told me about wanting to be a CEO someday and how making it to the top would mean putting all her focus on school, and her future job. She said she wouldn't have time for me.
I told her we'd work it out and that I'd support her in whatever she wanted to do. I knew she wanted to go to Camsburg, so I did some research and found a community college nearby that I could transfer to when Willow started her freshman year. We'd get an apartment and life would be great.
But she said it would never work. That I would never be happy in the life she'd planned for herself. I kept trying to convince her we could make it work, but I knew that no matter what I said, she was still breaking up with me.
After that, I packed up and left on the trip that Willow and I were supposed to take together, backpacking across Europe. It was a graduation gift from my mom and Martin. The plane tickets were already bought and paid for, so I went without her. And after my two weeks were up, I stayed there. While backpacking, I met some people who connected me with a foreign aid organization and I ended up on a project in Turkey, building houses for the poor.
Whenever I had access to phone service, I called Willow. She wouldn't pick up but I kept calling. It cost a freaking fortune just to leave a message but I did it anyway. Luckily, my mom didn't complain about the phone bills, probably because she was hoping my calls would make Willow change her mind. She knew how much I loved Willow and wanted to be with her.
A few weeks after I left, I called Trent and he said Willow was telling people I stayed in Europe to continue backpacking. She never knew about my plans for college or for getting a job that summer. She assumed I had no interest in things like school or work but would rather roam the world with no real responsibilities. I told Trent to just let her think that. That maybe it would be easier for her to move on if she did.
"You can't let that girl fuck with your life again," Trent says.
"She's not. I'm back home and I'm going to school."
"You only have one class, which is all you can take because you're spending all your time helping her dad. You wouldn't be doing that if it weren't for Willow."
"I'm doing it to help save their business. Carl has always been like a dad to me and I owe him. This isn't about Willow."
"That's bullshit and you know it. This is you and me, Silas. We don't bullshit each other. You need to admit the real reason you're doing this so you can see this for what it is. An attempt to get Willow back."
"That's not what it is. She doesn't even know I'm doing it." I turn toward him. "You need to shut up about Willow and me. If I want to go out with her, I will."
"You're going to get your ass kicked, Silas. And you're going to get your heart broken. Again. She's going to spend the summer hanging out with you, probably having sex with you, and then in three months she's going to tell you to get lost. She'll go back to her fancy college and find some new guy and you're going to be left with nothing. You won't even have any money saved because you're working for her dad for free."
"She's not going to do that."
"I can almost guarantee that's what will happen. And if she finds out about the farm and the fact that you knew about it and hid it from her, she'll never talk to you again."
That is something I'm worried about, but I'm hoping she'll understand. I wasn't exactly given a choice. Carl asked me not to tell her and I'm respecting his request.
Trent stands up. "Let's get out of here. I'm starving."
"We didn't even play ball."
"We'll do it some other time. We need to eat and then I'm g
oing to call Tana and see if she'll tell us what club they're at."
"I'm not going with you."
"You're just going to sit at home waiting for Willow to call? I'm sorry, but that's pathetic."
"That's not what I'm doing. I need to study. I have a quiz on Saturday and some homework to do."
He grins. "Look at you, all serious about school. You might actually make something of yourself."
"You're an ass."
"I'm just joking," he says as we walk to the parking lot. "I didn't mean it as an insult. I've always admired you for not taking life so seriously. I'd like to do the same, but I've got my parents constantly riding my ass, telling me to get my shit together because they're done supporting me the second I graduate."
We leave the park and get a burger at a sports bar. He calls Tana but she won't tell him the name of the club. But she does agree to meet up with him later, which is all he wanted anyway. A quick hook-up. Nothing serious. If he keeps this up, he's going to end up with an STD, if he doesn't already have one.
I do some studying, then look through the course catalog for the fall. I'm going to keep taking classes and eventually graduate. Even if I have no future with Willow, I still want a future for myself. I'm not sure what that is yet, but college is at least a start in the right direction.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Willow
It's eight and I just finished cleaning up the kitchen. My mom had to work late and didn't get home until seven. She was exhausted so I made dinner, and after we ate I offered to clean up. Now she's catching up on processing orders for the farm. I'm going to have to take over some of her responsibilities. It's too much for her and I don't mind doing it. I don't have a job this summer other than helping in the fields, like I always do. But I don't do that every day. Just a few days a week, usually picking berries because the workers hate doing it and I actually like it.
I haven't talked to Silas since last night. I've spent today trying to figure out what to do. How we move forward from here. I'm desperate to talk to someone but I can't call any of my friends here in town. For one, I haven't kept in touch with them so I feel weird just calling them up after not talking for over a year. And two, if I talk to someone here, whatever I say might get back to Silas.
I decide to call Lilly, my friend from college. She knows about Silas but doesn't actually know him so won't tell him what I say.
Her phone rings several times before she picks up. "Willow, I was just going to call you. How's it going?"
"I slept with Silas," I blurt out.
"What?"
"I slept with Silas." I say it slower.
"Yeah, I heard you the first time. I'm just surprised. I thought you said—"
"I know. I promised myself it wouldn't happen, but we've been spending all this time together and we were lying in the back of his truck and it was dark and...well, it happened. And the worst thing is? I don't regret it. Not even a tiny bit. In fact, I practically begged him to do it."
"How was it?"
"Even better than it used to be. I'm not exaggerating. Maybe I was just really turned on last night or maybe it's because I haven't had sex for months."
"Or maybe it's because you're in love with Silas."
"Yeah, that too."
"Wait—what? You're admitting to being in love with Silas? Last year you denied it like a million times."
I sigh. "Well, I can't deny it anymore. I love Silas." I slap my palm against my forehead. "Ugh. I can't believe I just admitted it out loud. You know how long it's taken me to convince myself I was no longer in love with him?"
"I don't think you ever did."
"Yeah. You're right." I lie back on my bed. "What am I going to do?"
"Get back together with him."
"And then break up with him when I leave in the fall? No. I wouldn't do that to him. I hurt him once and it nearly killed me. I'm not going to do it again."
"Is he planning to stay there, or go back overseas for his volunteer work?"
"He's staying here. He's taking a summer class at the community college and he's going to take some more in the fall."
"What's he studying?"
"He's not sure yet. He's taking an accounting class so maybe he'll major in business."
"Sounds like he's changed from what you told me about him. You made it sound like he was just a hippie surfer who had no plans for his life."
"I shouldn't have said that. It's not true. That was just me trying to find excuses for why we shouldn't be together.
"Then stop making excuses and be together."
"It won't work. We want different things. If I want to make it to the top, I'll have to spend my life at work. Silas doesn't want that. He doesn't want to be with someone who's always at the office or traveling all the time. He wants to be with someone who's home every night for dinner and can go out to the movies with him. Someone who has time to lie under the stars."
"That sounds like a good life. You sure you don't want that?"
"Lilly, I know what I want to do. You know how committed I am to this."
"Yeah, but I don't know why. My dad was a CEO for years and it wasn't that great. He was never around for my brother and me. We never even saw him."
"But all his hard work paid off. Your dad is a huge success. People pay thousands of dollars just to hear him give a speech. And it's not like he didn't have a life. He got married, had kids. He always seems happy when I see him."
"Because he sold the company. But when he was the CEO, he wasn't happy. He never slept. He was always stressed. He had to work holidays and weekends and didn't get home until after I'd gone to bed. You know, maybe you should talk to him."
"I don't want to bother him. Besides, I'm kind of afraid to talk to him. He's very intimidating."
"If you want to be a CEO, you can't be intimidated by powerful people. Let me talk to him and see when he has time."
I agree to it, knowing it'll never happen. Pearce Kensington is a well-known billionaire. He won't take time out of his busy schedule to talk to his daughter's friend, who he barely knows.
"So tell me more about what happened last night," Lilly says.
"We went to dinner, then out for coffee, then he took me to the farm and we laid in the back of his pickup and gazed up at the stars. Then we started making out and ended up having sex."
"Have you talked to him since this happened?"
"No, because I don't know what to say to him. I don't know how to act. I keep telling him we can't be more than friends, so does that mean we're friends who have sex?"
"You're going to keep having sex with him?"
"I want to, but that would be wrong, wouldn't it?"
"It would if you're just leading him on, knowing this isn't going anywhere."
"He already knows that and it didn't stop him from doing it with me last night. And he's been flirting with me since he saw me at the dorm."
"Because he wants to date you. He wants you back in his life. So acting like his girlfriend all summer, knowing you're breaking up with him in the fall, isn't right."
"I know. It's just that I really want to be with him, and I'm not talking about sex. I mean that I want to spend time with him. I miss him. It feels like I haven't seen him in weeks but it's only been a day. I miss him after just one day. That's so pathetic."
"No, it's not. I miss Reed like that."
"How are you guys doing being apart?"
"It's hard. I really miss him, but we talk on the phone a lot. And it helps knowing he's spending time with his dad. Right now, he needs to be with his dad, not me."
That's one of the reasons I like Lilly so much. She cares about others more than herself. Her boyfriend, Reed, didn't really know his dad for most of his life, but now he's living with him for the summer. Lilly really wants Reed to form a relationship with his dad because his mom is a loser who doesn't treat him well. Some girls wouldn't care about that, but Lilly does. So as much as she misses him, she encourages him to spend time with his
father instead of her.
"Going back to you and Silas," she says. "I think you need to slow this down until you figure out what you want."
"I already know what I want."
"For a career, but not for your personal life. You've never even talked about that with me."
"That's not true. We've talked about it."
"But you never give me an answer. You always change the subject."
"Okay, fine. What do you want to know?"
"Do you want to get married someday?"
I hesitate, then say, "Part of me does, the other part doesn't."
"But the part that does want to get married wants it to be to Silas."
I get a lump in my throat and feel my eyes tearing up.
"Willow?"
"Yeah. I'm here." I sniffle.
"Are you crying?"
"No. It's just allergies." I take a breath.
"You don't have allergies. You're crying because you want to marry Silas someday. And if you don't marry him, you'll be alone because you can't imagine being with anyone else."
I nod, even though she can't see me, as tears run down my face.
"Am I right?" she asks.
"Yeah." I sniffle again and go over to get a tissue.
"Willow, why are you torturing yourself? This is crazy. Just be with him. He's the one, and you know it, so stop pushing him away."
"And give up on my goals? No. I'm not going to be one of those women who gives up everything for a guy."
"You don't have to give up everything. You just have to make some compromises. You both do."
"Then neither one of us will be happy."
"You need to stop making everything so black and white. There are ways for you to be together and still get what you both want career-wise."
"Like how?"
"I don't know. I just know it's possible. My brother, Garret, runs a company and is super successful but he still has time for his wife and kids. Some days, he sees the kids more than Jade does. My point is that if you really love Silas, which I know you do, then you'll find a way to make this work."
"It's more complicated than that."
Still Love You Page 10
