Once we were full, we went out into the garden … It was time for his business … I look around a little … Nothing but night, not a living soul … It was really weird … Upstairs I saw only a single light in the whole housefront, in the old geezer’s room … He must have locked himself in again … I says to myself, I’m not going to waste any time, I’m sick of all this hanky-panky … As long as I’ve got my ticket, I’ll pack up … Tomorrow morning I’ll skedaddle by the first train at seven-thirty. Sure! Just like that! I won’t wait for the end of the song. I never could stand good-byes.
Still, I’d have liked to lay my hands on a little dough, maybe a shilling or two for some ginger beer, it’s good on a trip … First I put my idiot to bed, so he’ll leave me alone … I jerk him off just a little, that usually kept him quiet … it sent him off to sleep … But that night he was frantic with all his fears of the day, he wouldn’t close his eyes … I tried shouting whoa whoa! … He kept thrashing around, he jumped up and down in his cage, he growled like a wild animal. He may have been nuts, but he suspected something unusual was up … He suspected I was going to leave him in the middle of the night … He didn’t like that. It scared him out of his wits to be left alone … Hell!
It’s true the dormitory was a big place … For him that was an awful lot of space … There were only two of us left where there’d been twelve of us before, or even fourteen …
I collected my socks, hunted up my handkerchiefs, picked up my lousy underwear, it was all holes and tears … They’d have to outfit me again. There’d be another riot … A lovely prospect … my troubles weren’t over … The future is no joke … The thought of the Passage, so close to me now, sent the grimy shivers through me …
I’d been gone for eight months … What would they be like now down there under the glass roof? … That wasn’t hard to figure out … They’d be even dumber … worse pains than ever … The Rochester characters … well, probably I’d never be seeing them again! I took a last look at the view out the window, the big one that opens up and down like a guillotine … The weather was clear, marvelous … You could see all the paths on the hillside and the docks all lit up … the crisscrossing lights of the ships … all the colors moving in and out … like dots looking for each other at the end of the darkness … I’d seen lots of ships and passengers leaving … sailboats … steamboats … God knows where they were now … in Canada … and some in Australia … all sails unfurled … They were chasing whales … I’d never see all that … I’d be going to the Passage … to the rue Richelieu, the rue Méhul … I’d see my father cracking his collar … my mother picking up her leg … I was going looking for jobs … I’d have to talk, to explain why and how … I’d be cornered like a rat … They’d be waiting for me, lousy with questions … I’d have to take my medicine … It gave me the golly wobbles to think of it …
It was pitch-dark in the room, I’d blown out the candle … I stretched out on the bed all dressed, I relaxed … I decided to sleep as I was … I said to myself: “Don’t peel, kid, that way you can beat it at the crack of dawn …” There was nothing more for me to do … all my junk was ready. I’d even taken some towels … Jongkind finally falls asleep … I can hear him snoring … I won’t say good-bye to anybody … Just beat it on the q.t… . No effusions for me! … I’m beginning to doze … I play with myself just a little … I hear the door opening … My blood froze … I says to myself: “Watch out, kid. It’s ten to one they’re coming to say good-bye … You got your nerve with you, baby doll …”
I hear a light step, somebody slipping across the floor … It’s her … breathing … I’m cooked … No time to run … she won’t wait … She’s down on me like a cyclone … she’s on the bed in one jump … A fine kettle of fish! … I take the shock full in the ribs … She clutches me … I’m crushed, flattened under her caresses … I’m all ground up, there’s nothing left of me … The whole weight of her has come down on my head … it’s sticky … My face is wedged in, I’m suffocating … I protest … I implore … I’m afraid to yell too loud… The old geezer might hear! … I struggle … I try to wriggle out from under … I contract … I strain my muscles … I crawl under my own ruins … I’m caught again, flattened out, crushed again … An avalanche of tenderness … I collapse under her wild kisses, her licking, her tugging … My face is a mash … I can’t find my openings to breathe by … “Ferdinand! Ferdinand!” she implores me … She sobs down my windpipe … She’s out of her mind … I jam all the tongue I can produce down her throat to make her stop yelling like that … the old geezer in his room is bound to wake up … I’m terrified of cuckolds … some of them are ferocious …
I try to soothe her pain, to make her control herself … I caulk wherever I can … I knock myself out … I try my best … I try the subtlest tricks … But she’s too much for me … She gives me some wicked holds … The whole bed is shaking … She flails around like crazy … I fight like a lion … My hands are all swollen from clutching her ass! I want to anchor her, to make her stop moving. There. That’s it. She’s stopped talking. Christ almighty! I plunge, I slip in like a breeze! I’m petrified with love … I’m one with her beauty … I’m in ecstasy … I wriggle … I bite right into her tit … She moans, she sighs … I suck her all over … On her face I go looking for the exact spot next to her nose … the one that tortures me, the magic of her smile … I’m going to bite her there too … especially … I stick one hand up her ass, I massage … I dig in … I wallow in light and flesh … I come like a horse … I’m full of sauce … She gives a wild leap … She breaks loose, she’s gone, the bitch! … She jumps backward … Hell! She’s on her feet … She’s in the middle of the room … She’s making a speech … I can see her in the white of the street lamp … in her nightgown … all pulled up … her hair flying loose … I’m lying there flummoxed with my cock in the air …
“Come on back,” I say. I try to quiet her. All of a sudden she seems to be furious … She yells, she waves her arms … She moves back toward the door … The bitch, she hands me a line … “Good-bye, Ferdinand!” she yells, “Good-bye! Live well, Ferdinand! Live well…” What sense does that make? …
Another scene! Holy creepers! I jump off the bed! … I’ll flatten her out! She’ll be the last! Dammit to stinking hell! She doesn’t wait, the slut! She’s gone … I hear the downstairs door opening and slamming hard … I run to the window … I open it … I’m just in time to see her running out of the alley … under the street lamps … I see her movements, her nightgown fluttering in the wind … She dashes down the steps … She’s crazy. Where the hell is she going?
It flashes through my mind that something terrible is going to happen … I says to myself: “This is it. You’re in for it. This is going to be one sweet mess! And you’re going to take the rap! That’s sure as shit! Bloody murder! She’s going to throw herself in the drink …” I knew it. She’s off her rocker! … Dammit to hell … Could I catch her? … But it’s none of my business … There’s nothing I can do … The whole thing is beyond me … I listen … I look out through the hall door … to see if I can see her on the waterfront … She must be down by now … There she is again … still screaming … “Ferdinand! Ferdinand!” And then some more Ferdinands … her screams cut through the sky … That’s her again, the bitch, yelling way from the bottom … She’s got her nerve … Dammit to hell! I can hear her from the other end of the harbor … I’m scared … I stare … They’ll say I knew something … They’ll pinch me for sure … I’m in for it. It’s the handcuffs for me … I’m in one hell of a dither … I go and shake the idiot in his crib … If I leave him alone for a minute and he gets panicky … he’ll do some damnfool thing … He’ll set the place on fire … Christ! I wake him up … I pull him out of his cage … I drag him out in his kimono … I pull him helter-skelter down the stairs …
When we get out into the alley, I lean over the rocks, I try to look down as far as the bridge, under the lights … Where can she
be? Ah, there she is, I see her … A spot … wavering through the shadows, a white spot, whirling … That’s the kid all right, that’s my loony! She flits from one lamp to the next … Like a butterfly, the stinker! … She’s still yelling here and there, the wind brings back the echoes … And then for a second there’s a terrible scream and then another, an awful scream that fills the whole valley … “Hurry up, boy,” I tell the kid. “Our lady love has jumped in. We”ll never make it. We’re in for a dip. You’ll see, kid. You’ll see.”
I run like hell, I race down the steps, through space … Bing! Just like that. AU of a sudden … Right in the middle of the stairway … My blood froze … I’d had an idea. I stop. I’m trembling all over. That’s enough! I’m not taking another step … It’s for the birds! I pull myself together. I look back … I lean over the rail … I see … The place on the waterfront where the sound was coming from isn’t very far … There’s a big crowd now … People pouring in from all sides …
The esplanade is full of rescuers … There’s more coming. They’re talking it over … They’re running around in all directions with poles, lifebelts, and canoes … All the whistles and sirens begin to blow at once … It’s a hullabaloo, a riot … But they’re working hard, they re knocking themselves out … They don’t catch anything … The little white square in the waves … It’s being carried out farther and farther …
I can still see her from where I am, clearly in the middle of the water … she passes out beyond the piers … I can even hear her choking … I can hear her gurgling … I can still hear the sirens … I hear her swallowing water … She’s caught in the tide … She’s caught in the eddies … The little white speck is passing the breakwater! O Christ! O holy shit! She’s drunk up the ocean by now! … I got to get the brat home … I give him a poke in the ass … They mustn’t catch us out … We’ve got to be out of here before they come back … That’s for sure.
He’s worn out from running … I push him … I throw him … He can’t see a thing without his glasses … He can’t even see the lamp posts. He starts bumping into everything … He whines like a dog … I grab him and pick him up, I carry him up the hill … I toss him into his bed … I run to the old man’s door … I knock hard. No answer, not a word! Come on! I knock again, I pound! … Then I give a good push, I bash it in … He’s there all right … Just the way I’d seen him … He’s stretched out in front of his grate, all pink … He’s stroking his belly, as peaceful as can be … He gives me a look as if I’d interrupted him … He blinks a little, his eyelids flutter … He don’t know from nothing … “She’s drowning! She’s drowning!” I yell at him. I repeat it even louder … I shout my lungs out … I make motions … I imitate the glug-glug … I point down … into the valley … out the window! Down there! Down there! The Medway! “River! River! Down there! Water! …” He raises himself just a little … the effort makes him belch … He loses his balance, collapses on a stool … “Oh, nice Ferdinand,” he says … “Nice Ferdinand!” He even holds out his hand … But his cup-and-ball gets all fouled up … It’s stuck in the armchair … He tugs at it, he’s exhausted, he has to stop … He upsets all the bottles … All the whiskey drips down … The marmalade, the jar tips over … Everything topples … like a waterfall … That hands him a laugh … he’s convulsed … He tries to pick things up … the gravy … everything collapses … the plate too … he skids on the pieces … He slides under the bench … He doesn’t move … He’s wedged against the fireplace … He shows me how it’s done … He ruminates … he grunts … He massages his belly with round strokes … He bunches up wads of fat and gives them a good going over … He kneads them slowly … He rubs and squeezes … he pushes them apart … he works into the furrows …
I’ve completely forgotten what I was going to say … What’s the use? … I close the door, I go back to the dormitory … I says to myself: “You’re going to clear out of here at the crack of dawn …” My bag is all ready … I lie down on the bed for a minute … but I get up a second later … I’m in a panic again … I don’t know exactly why. I start thinking about the kid again … I look out the window … I listen … Not a sound … Nothing … There’s not a soul on the waterfront … Had they all left so soon?
Then suddenly this thing begins to plague me, in spite of my terror, in spite of my tiredness … I couldn’t resist … I wanted to go down and see if they’d pulled her out of the drink … I put on my coat and pants, my suit … The kid was sound asleep … I lock him up in the dormitory … I meant to come back right away … I make it quick … I’m down at the bottom of the stairs … I see a cop making his rounds … I see a sailor who calls out to me … That cools me off … I’m scared again … I stop still in my niche … Hell! It’s too complicated for me. I’m not moving … I’m too exhausted anyway. I stay there quite a while … There’s nobody around … Down below, that’s the bridge she jumped from … I see the lights, red ones, a big long string of them, trembling in the reflections of the water … I say to myself. I’ll be getting back now … It’s not far … Maybe the cops are there by now … I begin wondering … imagining … I’m exhausted … I’m knocked out … I’m really not feeling very good … I’m all in … So help me, I can’t move … I’ll never make it back to Meanwell … I won’t even try … I lean back … There’s nothing I can do after all … This mess has nothing to do with me … not a thing … Just let me beat it out of here, all by myself … Slowly I head for the station … I wrap up tight in my overcoat … I don’t want anybody to recognize me … I slide along the walls … I don’t meet a soul … The waiting room is open … Good deal … I stretch out for a while on the bench … There’s a stove right near … I’m doing fine … I’m in the dark … The first train for Folkestone is at five … I haven’t got my stuff, not one damn thing … It was up there on the bed … To hell with it! I’ll go home without it … I don’t want to go back there … It can’t be done … The one thing for me is to make myself scarce … I sit up so as to keep awake … I’m sure of making that five o’clock train … I’m sitting right under the bulletin board … I lie down right there … I stretch out. “5 o’clock. Folkestone via Canterbury.”
Coming home that way without any of my stuff, I really expected to be welcomed with the broom handle. Not a bit of it … My folks seemed pleased, they were kind of glad to see me … They were just surprised that I hadn’t brought back a single shirt, a single sock, but they didn’t press the point … they didn’t start up a scenario … They were too much absorbed by their own private worries …
In the eight months I’d been away they had changed a good deal … their whole appearance and bearing. I found them all shriveled up, with wizened faces and hesitant movements … My father’s pants bagged at the knees, they fell down in big folds on all sides like an elephant. His face was livid, he’d lost all his hair on top, he disappeared under his sea captain’s cap … His eyes were almost colorless now, they weren’t even blue at all, but gray, all pale like the rest of his face … He was all wrinkles, they were a dark color, furrows running from the nose down to the mouth … He was falling apart … He didn’t talk to me about anything much … He only asked me once or twice how come we’d stopped answering his letters to England … Were they dissatisfied with me at Meanwell College? Had I made progress? … Had I caught the accent? … Did I understand English when they talked fast? … I mumbled something vague … He didn’t seem to expect any more …
He wasn’t listening to me anyway … He was too panic-stricken to worry about things that were over and done with. He’d lost interest in arguing … Morose as his letters had been, they hadn’t told me the whole story … Far from it … There was plenty more to come … Calamities—brand-new ones! So I heard it all, in every detail … They really had put themselves through the wringer to send me my keep for the first six months … It had been rough … The disaster with the boleros had sunk them completely … without exaggeration … My father’s watch never left th
e pawnshop … Nor my mother’s ring either … They’d taken out some mortgages in Asnières … on those beat-up houses …
Not having his watch drove father crazy … not having the time on him … that contributed to his collapse. He so punctual, so exact in everything he did, he was obliged to look at the clock in the Passage every minute … He’d go out on the doorstep … Every time Madame Ussel, the seamstress, would be waiting for him … Tic toc, tic toc … she’d say to get his goat … she’d stick out her tongue …
New difficulties cropped up … end to end like a string of sausages … They were too much for them … They huddled up in their misery, disintegrating, lacerating themselves with despair, shrinking so as to offer less surface … They tried to wriggle out from under their calamities … It didn’t help! They got caught, they got the same going-over every time.
Madame Héronde, our seamstress, couldn’t work anymore, she was in the hospital all the time … Madame Jasmin, who took her place, was completely unreliable … A spendthrift, always in debt! Her tastes ran to liquor. She lived in Clichy. My mother spent all her time on the bus, she went out there twice a day, morning and evening … She always found her in some bar … She was married to a colonel, she steeped herself in absinthe … The customers that gave us things to mend had to wait months for their doodads … They had terrible fits of rage and impatience … It was even worse than before … They were always in a fury about the delays and postponements … And when it came time to pay up, it was always the same song and dance, the same mists and monkeyshines … Whish! … Madame was gone … All of a sudden there was nothing but empty space … Or if they did cough up a little, they hollered and griped so much, they whittled down the tiny little bills, with such tirades … that in the end my mother didn’t know what to say or do … She’d sweated blood, limping after that Jasmin woman and all the rest of them, just to be yelled at, treated like dirt … It wasn’t worth it.
Death on the Installment Plan Page 30
