Death on the Installment Plan

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  “Is it all right to smoke in here?” she asks.

  “Yes, madame, of course. Only be careful about the ashes, because of the papers on the floor. They’d catch fire easily. Hee-hee!” A guy’s got to laugh once in a while.

  “You don’t smoke, Ferdinand?”

  “No. To tell you the truth, I’m afraid to try. I’m not careful enough. I wouldn’t want to be a living torch. Hee-hee!”

  She begins to puff … She spits on the floor … in all directions … She was a little calmer now … She puts her veil back on. She only lifted up one corner with her little finger. When she’d completely finished her pipe, she took out her tobacco pouch again … I thought she was going to fill another …

  “Say, Ferdinand!” she fires at me … An idea had shot through her head, suddenly she jumps up … “You’re sure he’s not hiding upstairs? …”

  I was afraid to be too definite … It was a ticklish situation … I wanted to avoid bloodshed …

  “Ha!” She didn’t wait. She gave a leap. “Ferdinand! You’ve been deceiving me! You’re as big a liar as he is.”

  She wouldn’t listen to any explanations … She brushes me aside … She dashes into the little winding staircase … She climbs up in a rage … He had no warning … She jumps him! … I listen … Right away hell breaks loose! … She gives him his money’s worth … It starts out with a couple of clouts … then screams …

  “Will you look at the sex fiend … the smut hound … the no-good! … That’s how he spends his time … I suspected his filthy ways … It’s good I came …” She must have caught him just as he was putting our postcards away in the album … the transparent ones that I sold on Sunday! … He often spent his time that way after lunch …

  His troubles weren’t over. She didn’t listen to what he said. “Pornographer! False membrane! Anarchist! Dishrag! Cesspool! …” Those were some of the things she called him …

  I went up, I risked a glance over the banister … When she couldn’t think of anything more to say, she threw herself on him … He flopped on the couch … was she heavy and brutal!

  “Down on your knees, you stinker! Ask your victim’s forgiveness!” Finally he put up a bit of struggle … She lashed into his shirt front, but the material was so hard she cut her hands on it … She was bleeding … but she kept on squeezing …

  “You don’t like it, do you? You don’t like it!” she shouted in the thick of the battle. “Ah! You like it, you infernal windbag … What do you say, you swill pail? Does it give you pleasure to see me angry?” She was square on top of him. She was bouncing up and down on his belly. “Wah! Wah! Wah!” he groaned. “You’re suffocating me, you big bitch! You’re killing me! You’re strangling me! …” Then she let him go, she was bleeding too hard … She ran down the stairs … She went to the faucet … “Ferdinand! Ferdinand! Just imagine, it’s been a whole week. All week I’ve been waiting for him! All week he hasn’t been home once … He’s eating my heart out! I’m wasting away! … He doesn’t care! … He only sent me a postcard: ‘Balloon ruined. No lives lost!’ Not another word … I ask him what he means to do. Don’t nag, he says … Total loss! Since then not a word. His lordship doesn’t show up. Where is he? What’s he doing? The Benoiton Loan Company is dunning me for the payments … Complete mystery! Ten times a day they ring the bell … The baker’s at my heels … The gas has been shut off … Tomorrow they’re going to cut off the water … His lordship is doing the town! … While I’m eating my heart out! … That rotten failure! … The pervert! … The criminal! … The infernal, diabolical beast! … The baboon! … Believe me, Ferdinand, I’d rather live with a real monkey … I’d understand him at least! He’d understand me! I’d know where I was at. But after almost thirty-five years with that lunatic I don’t know what he’s going to do from one minute to the next as soon as I have my back turned! Drunkard! Liar! Lecher! Thief! He’s every one of them … You’ll never know how I detest that swine! … Where is he? That’s the question I ask myself fifty times a day … While I work my fingers to the bone all alone out there to keep him! to pay the bills! … saving candle ends … his highness throws it to the winds … on every racetrack … and all those filthy whores! my money! the little I’ve been able to put aside! … by denying myself everything! Where does it go? Into the sink of degradation! Don’t worry, I know! He can’t hide it from me … Vincennes! … Pari-Mutuel! … Enghien! … rue Blondel … Boulevard Barbes, it’s all one to him! He’s not hard to please as long as it’s depravity! Any stinkhole will do! … It’s all grist for his mill. His highness wallows in vice! He throws money down the drain! … And meanwhile … I’m killing myself trying to save a sou … to save an hour on the cleaning woman’s wages … I’m the one that does everything in spite of the condition you see me in! … I wear myself out! I scrub the floor! All of it, in spite of my hot flashes! even when my rheumatism comes on! … I can hardly stand up, that’s the plain truth … I’m killing myself! … And that’s not the end of it. When they attach the house! … Where are we going to sleep then? Can you tell me that? You beggar! You rotten nitwit! Gangster! Bandit!” She was shouting up at him. “Why, in a flophouse of course! Have you still got the addresses? You ought to remember, my fine-feathered friend! … That’s where he went before we were married … And under the bridges, Ferdinand! … I should have left him there … That’s right! … with his mange and his vermin … Why, he’s poisoned my life … that’s what he deserved … He’d have enjoyed himself! … I should have sent him to the venereal hospital! His highness likes to indulge his passions! He’s a rake, Ferdinand! The worst kind of ruffian! Nothing holds him back! Neither dignity! Nor reason! Nor self-respect! Nor kindness! … Nothing! … That man has mocked me, made a fool of me, poisoned my whole existence! … Ah, what a daisy he turned out to be! Ho ho! You can say that again! I’ve been a hundred times too good … I’ve been a sap, Ferdinand! I could die laughing! It’s a scream … And now he’s fifty-five and then some … fifty-six, to be exact, next April … And what does the old clown do? … He ruins us! … He sends us to the poorhouse … absolutely … He’s given up the fight … All he cares about is his vices … They’ve carried him away … He rolls in the gutter … And it’s up to me to fish him out … to make ends meet, to wear myself to the bone! … His highness couldn’t care less … he refuses to control himself … I’ve got to mend the pieces … I’ve got to pay his debts … How about it, you chimpanzee? … The balloon? He lets it go … He hasn’t two cents’ worth of guts … Do you want to know what he does at the Gare du Nord, instead of coming straight home? … Or maybe you’ve heard? … Where he wastes his vitality? In the toilet. Ferdinand! That’s right! Everybody’s seen him. They all recognized my hubby! … Seen him masturbating … They caught him in the waiting room and in the corridors … Exhibiting himself … his private parts … his nasty equipment … to all the little girls! That’s right, to children! Yes, indeed, there’ve been complaints, I’m not making it up … Yes, you pervert! … They’ve had their eye on him for a long time … Right in the middle of the station, Ferdinand! … Swarming with people that know us … They come and tell me about it! … Who told me? You’re not going to deny it, I hope … You’re not going to tell me it was somebody else … The infernal gall of that man! … Why, it’s the commissaire himself, my friend … he came to see me last night just for that … just to tell me about your slimy ways … He had a complete description of you and even your picture … You see they’ve got your number … Ah, and it’s nothing new. He’d taken your papers! Well, am I telling the truth? … You knew all right … You scum, that’s why you didn’t come home! … You knew what to expect! … Anyway, he’d told you … Children is what he needs now … Babies! It’s too awful … Gambling! Liquor! Lies! … Spendthrift! Crook! Women! Every known vice! Minors! … Sink of corruption! … Of course I knew all about it … I learned the hard way … I’ve been through hell … But now … little girls! … It’s too much! …” She looked at h
im, she stared at him from the distance … He was still on the steps, on the winding staircase … He felt safer behind the bars … He didn’t come any closer … He made me signs not to rile her up … to keep absolutely quiet … that it would pass … that I shouldn’t say a word … And actually she did calm down slightly …

  She sank back in the armchair … She fanned herself gently with a wide-open newspaper … She puffed … She blew her nose … Courtial and I managed to put in a few words … and then a little speech trying to explain the whys and wherefores of the catastrophe … We didn’t say anything about the little girls … we stuck to the balloon … If nothing else, that varied the monotony … We went on about the cover … that it was really hopeless … He tried flattery …

  “What you’ve got to realize, Ferdinand, is that my Irène is impressionable! … She’s a model wife … the cream of the cream! I owe her everything, Ferdinand. Everything! No two ways about it! I can shout it from the rooftops! … Not for a minute would I think of denying her affection for me! The extent of her devotion! The immensity of her sacrifices! Certainly not! … But she’s impetuous, quick-tempered … It’s only the other side of her kind heart. Yes, impulsive … but not mean. Oh no! She’s the soul of goodness … as soft as milk soup! Aren’t you, Irène, my treasure? …” He came up to kiss her …

  “Go away! Go away, you pig!”

  He didn’t take offense … He only wanted her to understand. But she persisted in her fury … He tried to tell her that we had attempted the impossible … put on ten thousand patches … mended … spliced the lining in every shape and color, that in spite of anything we could say or do, the Enthusiast was falling apart … that the moths had eaten the sleeves … the rats had gnawed the valves … that it simply wouldn’t stick together … neither standing nor lying down! That it wouldn’t even be any good as a strainer! a dishrag! a sponge! or an ass wiper! … that it was no good for anything … She still had her doubts … We went into every detail … we described every ailment … we did our damnedest, we swore, we perorated, we declaimed, we even exaggerated if that was possible … She shook her head … She didn’t believe us … We showed her the letters we had, telling us off in black and white … they came from all over … Even without a fee, for what we could make by passing the hat … they turned us down … and not with kid gloves either … they couldn’t even stand the sight of us anymore … The heavier-than-air craft were taking all the jobs … resorts … seaports … fairs … That was the honest truth! … Spherical balloons weren’t wanted … not even at “pardons” in Brittany! A character in Finistère had given it to us straight when we kept on pestering him:

  Monsieur, you and your contraption belong in a museum and we haven’t got one at Kraloch-sur-Isle. I really wonder why they still let you out. The curator is neglecting his duties! Our young people here aren’t interested in digging up dead bodies. They want to be amused. Try to get it through your head once and for all! … A word to the wise! …

  Joël Balavais

  Local wag and Breton.

  She rummaged through the files but she didn’t get much out of it … She softened up though … She consented to go out with us … We took her into the gardens … We sat her down on a bench between us … She began to talk sensibly … But we couldn’t shake her conviction that the Enthusiast, in spite of everything, could perfectly well be repaired … that we could still use her … for two or three fairs in the provinces … which would give us enough to placate the architect … they’d get another extension … the house would be saved … all we needed was courage and never say die … That was what she thought … She couldn’t see it any other way … We packed her pipe for her … Courtial sat there chawing. That was mostly always his way of finishing his cigars …

  The people, the passersby looked over at our group … they were kind of fascinated, especially by the old cutie … She seemed to listen to me even better than to her husband … I went on with my line … my tragic demonstration … I tried to give her an idea of the obstacles we had to contend with … how we were wearing ourselves out with hopeless, more and more futile efforts … She eyed me suspiciously … She thought I was trying to sell her a bill of goods … She started bawling again …

  “You’ve no energy, I can see that, neither one of you. So it’s up to me! I’ll have to do it all by myself … I’ll fly the balloon! You see if I don’t get her up! If I don’t get her up to four thousand feet! … if monkey shines at five thousand feet is what they like! Or six thousand! Anything they want! I’ll do whatever they ask of me!”

  “You’re talking through your hat, my dear,” Pereires stopped her … “You’re talking pure blarney … With a bag like ours you won’t get up thirty feet … That’s in the first place … You’ll fall into the watering trough … A lot of good that’ll do us … And they wouldn’t want you anyway … Even the captain with his Friend of the Clouds and his horse! The whole bag of tricks! And Rastoni and his daughter! His trapeze and his bouquets … They’re not doing anything either … They’re being turned down too … We’re all in the same boat … It’s not our fault. Irène … It’s the times … the general crack-up … It’s not just the Enthusiast …” He could talk himself blue in the face, he could swear by his grandmother’s ghost … she wouldn’t give in … She even started up again …

  “It’s you! You let them get you down! That airplane fad will be all over a year from now … You’re just looking for excuses because the both of you are making in your pants … Why not face it? instead of telling me fairy tales … If you had any guts … why not admit it? … you’d be in there working instead of dishing out hooey … All this stuff you’ve been telling me is a lot of bunk! What about the house? Who’s going to make our payments for us? We’re three months behind already … Twice we’ve been given notice … You expect your filthy rag to do it? I’ll bet you it’s knee-deep in debt … And summonses up to there! You can’t pull the wool over my eyes … You think I don’t know these things? So you throw it all up, eh? You’ve made up your mind, haven’t you? You shitface! … You’ve written it off! A whole house! Complete! Eighteen years’ savings! … Purchased stone by stone … Centimeter by centimeter … You can say that again … and land that’s going up every day … And you leave it all to the mortgage holders … You wash your hands of it … You don’t care … That’s where the crack-up is …” She tapped his head … “It’s not the balloon, it’s in there … I’m telling you … And now what … You want to end up under the bridges? … Go ahead! Who’s keeping you? Filthy pervert! Swine! You’re not even ashamed of yourself! … You’ll go back with the other bums, you no-good tramp … That’s where I found you … Yes, indeed! … I had a family, Ferdinand … He’s wrecked my whole life! Ruined my career … He cut me off from my people … The vampire! The scum! … And my health … He’s ravaged me … destroyed me completely! And now he wants me to die in dishonor … Ho ho! Men have it easy! It’s incredible … Eighteen years’ savings! eighteen years of continuous privation … of calamity … after all my sacrifices! …”

  She was awfully violent. Listening to her curse that way, the starch went out of des Pereires … he wasn’t cracking wise anymore … He began to cry … He burst into tears … He threw himself right into her arms … He implored her forgiveness … He knocked the pipe out of her mouth … They went into a feverish clinch … Right there in public … And they didn’t break … But she went on yammering in his arms … The same words over and over …

  “I’m going to mend it. Courtial! I’m going to mend it! Something tells me I’ll be able to! I know she can hold up … I’m positive! … I’ll bet on it … What about our Archimedes? … Didn’t she hold her own for forty years? … Why, she’d still be in there fighting …”

  “But she was only a captive … You see, sugarplum … it’s not the same wear and tear …”

  “I’ll go up myself … I’m telling you … I’ll go up! If you two aren’t in the mood …”


  She was taking it hard … She kept looking for an out … Anything, so long as we didn’t give up …

  “All I want is to help you. You know that, Courtial, don’t you?”

  “Of course I do, angel … That’s not the question …”

  “That’s all I want … You know I’m not lazy … I’d even go back to midwifing if that would help … I’d start right in again if I could … I wouldn’t wait … Even in Montretout … Good Lord, even in Colombes, as assistant to the one who took over my practice … I’d do anything at all … Just so they don’t come and evict us … You see how I am … Actually I’ve been making inquiries all over … But I’ve lost my hand … And besides there’s my face … It would hand them a laugh, I’ve got to admit … I’ve changed quite a lot … so they say … I’d have to fix myself up a little … Hell, I don’t know … shave, I suppose … I refuse to pluck it out …” She lifted her veil. Frankly, she was quite a sight … in broad daylight … the caked powder … the rouge on her cheeks, her violet eyelids … those thick moustaches, and even a suggestion of side-whiskers … And eyebrows even bushier than Courtial’s … Dense enough for an ogre, no kidding! With all that hair on her face, she’d scare her expectant mothers out of their wits … She’d need quite some fixing … she’d have to change her whole face … It gave you pause …