Death on the Installment Plan

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  We stayed there a long while side by side in the gardens, telling each other stories, trying to comfort each other … The night fell very slowly … All of a sudden she began to cry again, so hard it was really the limit … A paroxysm of misery …

  “Ferdinand,” she implored me. “You won’t leave us at least? Look at the condition we’re in … I haven’t known you long. But already I know that down deep you’re a good boy, aren’t you? … Besides, everything will come out all right … You can’t tell me different … It’s just a bad time we’re going through … Don’t worry, I’ve seen worse … This can’t be the end … We’ll just have to put our shoulders to the wheel … all three of us together … But first I’ve got to see what’s what … I’ll see what I can do by myself …”

  She gets up … She goes back to the shop … She lights the two candles … We don’t stop her … She opens the trapdoor … She starts down … She stays down there in the cellar by herself for quite a while … rummaging through the junk … unfolding the cover … tugging at the rubbish … seeing for herself how rotten it was … how absolutely decrepit and ragged … I was alone in the shop when she finally came up … She couldn’t say a word … She was suffocating with real grief… She sat in the armchair like paralyzed, completely bushed … pooped … finished … Her lid flopping around on the floor … Seeing it with her own eyes had really stunned the old battle-ax … I thought she’d keep her trap shut now … that she had nothing more to say … But then she started up again … after maybe fifteen minutes … But this time it was lamentations … She spoke very softly … like in a dream …

  “It’s washed up, Ferdinand … I admit it … Yes … It’s true … You were right … It’s done for … It’s awfully sweet of you, Ferdinand, not to leave us now … two old folks like us … You won’t leave us, will you? … Anyway, not right away? … Eh, Ferdinand? Not right away … not for a few days at least … A few weeks … You’ll stay on, won’t you? What do you say, Ferdinand?”

  “Yes, madame … Yes, of course! …”

  Next morning when Courtial came in from Montretout around eleven o’clock, he was still pretty embarrassed.

  “Well, Ferdinand? Anything new?”

  “Oh no,” I say. “Nothing unusual …” And I start questioning him in return. “Well? Is it all straightened out?”

  “Straightened out? What?” He plays it stupid. “Ah, you’re referring to yesterday?” And right away he starts handing me a line. “Listen to me, Ferdinand! I hope you don’t take all that gossip for coin of the realm … No, you couldn’t … She’s my wife, yes, of course … I honor her above everything … there’s never been a real quarrel between us … So much the better! But we might as well call a spade a spade … She has all the terrible drawbacks that go with so generous a nature … She’s intransigent! Despotic! You see what I mean, Ferdinand? … Impetuous! … She’s a volcano! She’s dynamite! … Whenever anything goes wrong, she blows her top … Sometimes she frightens even me … There she goes … And she works herself up … she explodes … She splutters and stammers … She loses her head … And talks through her hat … It’s not so bad when you’re used to it … It doesn’t throw you … I forget it as quickly as a shower at the races … But let me repeat, Ferdinand … in thirty-two years of marriage … emotional outbursts, yes. But never a real tempest … All couples have their quarrels … I’m even willing to admit that we’re going through a nasty moment right now … Unquestionably … But it’s not the first time … we’ve seen worse … It’s not the end of the world … To say we’re stone-broke on that account … destitute! evicted! … sold out! attached! … is pure imagination … I won’t stand for it … The poor kitten! Naturally I’d be the last man in the world to hold it against her! … It can all be explained! … It’s out there in the cottage that she cooks up these nightmares … alone all day … with nothing to do but think … it gets her down … in the end it carries her away … She works herself up! … She works herself up! … She loses track … She sees and hears things that never happened … Yes, since her operation she’s been inclined to … imaginings … impulses … I’d go even further … Sometimes she’s a little delirious … Ah yes, several times, I’ve been really taken aback… . Definite hallucinations … She’s perfectly sincere … Like this thing about the complaint … My oh my! You understood, of course? You caught on right away? … Actually it was very funny … It was ludicrous … But she’d done it before … That’s why it didn’t get a rise out of me … I let her go on … I didn’t seem surprised, did I? You noticed? … I acted as if she were perfectly normal … That’s what you’ve got to do … Mustn’t frighten her … That’s it … Mustn’t frighten her …”

  “Yes, of course. I caught on right away …”

  “Sure, that’s what I thought … Ferdinand hasn’t fallen for it … he’s not that gullible … He must have realized … It’s not that she drinks, poor thing! No, never! … She’s the soul of temperance … Except for tobacco … In a way, she’s more on the Puritan side … It’s the operation that turned her inside out … Ah! She was a very different woman … If you’d only known her before! … in the old days …” He started looking under the piles of papers … “I wish I could find her picture when she was young … the enlargement from Turin … I ran across it only a few days ago … You wouldn’t recognize her … It’s been a revolution … In the old days, I assure you, before she was operated on … she was a marvel … her carriage! the roses in her cheeks! … Beauty personified! … And what charm, my boy! … And her voice! … A dramatic soprano! … All that was wiped out from one day to the next … with a scalpel … It’s incredible … I can even tell you without vanity that she was unrecognizable! Sometimes it was almost embarrassing … especially while traveling … Especially in Spain and Italy … where they’re such ladies’ men … I remember it all clearly, I was rather touchy in those days … quick on the draw … I’d go off the handle for nothing at all … A hundred times I was on the verge of a duel …”

  Memories were going through his mind … I respected his silence … and then he started off again …

  “Well anyway, Ferdinand. We’ve got other worries … Let’s get down to serious matters … Suppose you drop over to the printer’s … And now listen and try to understand … In the villa … in the desk … I’ve found something that may help us out … If my wife comes back … if she asks … you haven’t seen a thing! … you don’t know a thing! … It’s only a receipt for a charm and a bracelet … But they’re solid gold … absolutely genuine … warranted eighteen carat … Here are the tickets from the Mont-de-Piété … We could give it a try … Go see Sorcelleux on the rue Grange-Batelière … Ask him what he’ll give for them … Tell him it’s for me … A favor … You know where it is … Fifth floor, staircase A … Get the concierge to show you the way … Ask him how much he’ll give me for them … That would give us a little money ahead … If he says no, try Rotembourg … on the rue de la Huchette … Don’t show him the ticket … Just ask him if he’s interested … And I’ll go around myself … He’s the worst kind of crook! …”

  For all his air of not caring one way or another, the commissaire on the rue des Bons-Enfants was a mean bastard. It was mostly his doing that they took action … And that the public prosecutor got mixed up in it … Not for very long, it’s true … But long enough to give us a good pain in the ass … The office was full of cops … They went through the motions of searching the joint … What could they expect to find? … They were pretty sore when they left … They hadn’t found anything to indict us on … There was no clear evidence of fraud … They tried to bluff us … But we had our alibis … We had no trouble clearing ourselves … Courtial trotted out some articles of the law that were entirely in our favor … After that they called him up to the Quai des Orfèvres almost every day. Just listening to his protestations … his cock-and-bull stories … the examining magistrate laughed for full five minutes. Right off the bat he sa
id:

  “Before presenting your defense, send back those money orders … Reimburse the contestants … It’s a common confidence racket, out-and-out piracy.”

  Those words gave the old man a jolt … He defended himself tooth and nail, inch by inch, desperately …

  “Reimburse what? Destiny is crushing me … I’m being driven to despair! Harried! Hounded! Ruined! Trampled! Persecuted in a thousand ways! And what does he want now? That’s what I’d like to know? To gouge my last nickel out of me … To hell with them! … Imaginary offenses! They’re out to get me! A hornets’ nest! A sewer! I can’t stand it! … The villainy of all those people! It would drive an angel to drink! … But I’m no angel! I defend myself, but how sickening it is! … I proclaim my innocence … I told him off all right, that jack-in-the-box! that beast! that scoundrel! that little shyster! … A whole life, monsieur, devoted to the service of Science, of truth … my intellect! … my courage! … one thousand two hundred and eighty-seven balloon flights … A whole life of peril … of relentless struggle … against the three elements … And my honeyed friends, where are they now? Ah! The ignorance! The prating! … Ah yes … for light … for the education of the masses! … And have it come to this! … Faugh! … to be hunted by a pack of hyenas … Constrained to cavil and quibble! … Flammarion will come and testify! He’ll come! And then that no-good despicable snotnose stops me short … why, he was positively rude … ‘Hold your tongue,” he says. ‘Hold your tongue, des Pereires, I’m sick of listening to you … Let’s get back to the subject. Your perpetual-motion contest … I’ve all the proofs right here … is nothing but a monstrous racket … If it were your first … but it’s only the most flagrant … the most recent … the most barefaced of the lot! … An utter imposture! … A cynical shell game! You can’t get around Article 222, Monsieur des Pereires! … Your rules don’t make sense! … You’d do better to confess … Read your own prospectus over again … Look at your ads! … What phenomenal gall! … There’s not a shred of honesty in the whole contest! … It’s completely unjustifiable … Absolutely no way of checking up! … You just worm out of it! … It’s all eyewash! window dressing! You carefully frame the rules in such a way as to make the whole thing impossible! … A fine kettle of fish … It’s an out-and-out swindle! … Pure fraud! … Theft in the most literal sense of the word … You’re nothing but a leech, des Pereires, on the grand ideal of Science! You live by setting traps for enthusiasts … high-minded seekers after truth! … You’re a despicable poacher on the preserves of Research … You’re a jackal, des Pereires … a loathsome beast! … Your kind can only live in the deepest darkness … the most inextricable thickets! The least ray of light sends you scurrying! Light! That’s just what I mean to throw on your low activities! Take care, you dangerous specimen … You putrid, slimy survivor of the fauna of the estragulums! Every day I send whole litters of crooks that are a lot more pardonable than you out to Rungis! …’

  “But perpetual motion, I told that brute, is an ideal that runs through all human history … Michelangelo! Aristotle! Leonardo da Vinci! Pico della Mirandola! …

  “‘So you’re going to be the judge,’ he fires back at me … ‘You think you’re eternal? … You’d have to be … you’re aware of that … to judge that contest of yours fairly! Ha! I’ve caught you there! Am I right! Eternity? … You say you’re eternal? … just like that! There you have it! … It’s as plain as day! When you started that contest, you had no intention of picking any winners! … Am I right? I’ve caught you red-handed, robbing those poor unfortunates? All right, just sign this, here at the bottom.’ He held out his fountain pen! The bastard! The unmitigated gall! I hadn’t said boo, and he hands me this paper! … I ask you! … I was thunderstruck … Naturally I turned him down flat … It was a trap! … A rotten lowdown ambush, and I didn’t mind telling him so … He couldn’t get over it! … I walked out with my head high!

  ” ‘See you tomorrow, des Pereires,’ he said. ‘It won’t help you any to put it off.’

  “‘You think you’re eternal?’ No, really, I ask you, the crust of him! The unconscionable effrontery! … Those savages think they’re so clever just because brute force is on their side … with their two cents’ worth of whiskers and their big mouths. I’ve got to admit it, though, that was a pretty good crack … Absolutely novel and unprecedented! … Thundering asshole catacombs! A killer! But he’ll need more than that to get me down! A little something more than asinine traps … believe you me! … His infernal insolence only strengthens my position! That’s my impression! Come what may! Let them deprive me of food! drink! bed and board! Let them throw me in prison, torture me in every possible way! I snap my fingers at them! I have my conscience … and that’s enough for me! … Never will I make a move without it! Or in opposition to it! … There you have it, Ferdinand! It’s my lodestar!”

  I knew the music … Papa had saturated me with it … You can’t imagine how overworked conscience was in those days! … But it was no solution … The prosecutor was seriously thinking of locking him up … The crack about eternity was pretty clever though … It could be interpreted in different ways … They gave us a few adjournments … That gave us a chance to sell some crap … Old junk out of the cellar … Even wreckage from the balloon … The old bag came in from Montretout for that very purpose … She’d decided to take control, to run things her way, especially selling the doodads … everything that was left of the balloon … We made one trip with the stuff on our backs and another with the pushcart … We unloaded most of it at the Temple … right in the middle of the floor … We had plenty of takers … People liked our little mechanical relics … And on Saturday we took whole job lots of books to the Flea Market … we sold it all wholesale, with little pieces of the Enthusiast thrown in … instruments … a barometer … and the ropes … In the end … after a good many trips … we got pretty near four hundred francs out of all that junk … It was pretty nice … It gave us a chance to soften up the printer some by giving him a decent slice on account … And they gave the Benoiton Loan Company enough for half an installment on the shack …

  But after that there was nothing to justify the existence of our poor carrier pigeons … We hadn’t been feeding them much in the last two months … Sometimes only every other day … and even so it ran into money … Grain is always expensive, even when you buy it wholesale … If we’d sold them, they’d have certainly come right back as I knew them … They’d never have got used to other masters … They were good little creatures, loyal and faithful … like members of the family … They’d wait for me up in the attic … As soon as they heard me move the ladder, they’d coo double! Courtial was talking about throwing them in the pot … But I wasn’t willing to give them to just anybody … If they had to be bumped off, I preferred to do it myself … I tried to think of a way … Supposing like it was me, I said to myself … I wouldn’t like it with a knife … no! I wouldn’t want to be strangled … no! … I wouldn’t want to be opened up … and have my insides taken out … and be cut in quarters! … I have to admit it made me kind of sad! … I knew them awfully well! … But you couldn’t get around it … I had to do something … There hadn’t been any grain in four days … So I went up one afternoon about four o’clock. They thought I was coming to feed them … They didn’t suspect at all … They were gurgling like mad … “Come along, little glug-glugs,” I say. “We’re going to the fair. All aboard for the ride! …” They knew the routine … I open the pretty basket wide, the one we took them ballooning in … They all come running … I batten down the lid, I run a rope through the handles … I tie it in all directions … Finally it was ready … First I leave it in the hall. I pop downstairs a while … I don’t say a thing to Courtial … I wait until he shoves off for his train … Violette taps on the windowpane … “Come back later, beautiful …” I say, “I’ve got to run an errand …” She hangs around … she mutters something …

  “Ferdinand,” she insists, “I got s
omething to tell you …”

  “Scram!”

  So I go upstairs for my animals … I bring them down. I balance the basket on my head … I go out by the rue Montpensier … I cross the Carrousel … When I get to the Quai Voltaire, I look for a good place … I don’t see a soul … On the bank at the bottom of the stairs … I pick up a big cobblestone … I tie it on … I look around again … I pick it up in both hands and throw it in the drink … as far out as I can … It didn’t make any noise … I did it automatic …

  Next morning I gave it to Courtial straight … I didn’t wait … I didn’t beat about the bush … He had no comment to make … Angelface, who was in the shop too, didn’t either … They could see by the way I looked that this was no time to fool with my ass.

  If they’d left us alone, we’d probably have made out all right … We’d have saved our ante without any help from anybody … Our Genitron magazine, nobody could say any different, was getting along fine … It was read all over … Lots of people remember how interesting it was … Lively from cover to cover! From beginning to end! Always perfectly informed about everything connected with inventing and the interests of inventors.

  On that end I’m not exaggerating … Nothing has ever taken its place … What knocked us for a loop was our joker with his racetrack fever … I knew he’d start playing again … even if he told me different. I saw the money orders coming in … fifteen francs for a new subscription … and whoopsy daisy! … if I wasn’t careful to hide them p.d.q., they’d melt into thin air! In a flash! He was a regular prestidigitator! … No business can stand up under that kind of drainage … not even the Bank of Peru! … He must have been spending our dough someplace … He wasn’t going to the Insurrection anymore … He must have got a new bookie … I’ll find out who it is, I says to myself … That’s when they started after us some more … More proceedings! … They call him back to the Préfecture … That little bastard on the rue des Bons-Enfants wouldn’t let go his bone … He started up again … He had us in his clutches … He was out to get us … He found more victims … of that damn competition… he’d even gone poking around in the furnished rooms on the Avenue des Gobelins … He was stirring them up against us … getting them sore again. He persuaded them to put in new complaints … Our life wasn’t worth living … It was time to shake the old gray matter and do something about it … We thought it over, and this is what we came up with: we’d have to divide and prosper … That was the only way … All those pests fell into two classes … On the one hand and mostly … the ones who were griping for the sake of form … the melancholies, the hard-luck boys … That was easy … we wouldn’t refund those stinkers anything … On the other hand, the characters that were really in a temper and never came out of it … That’s where the danger lay! … We’d have to get to those boys and smooth them down right away … talk things over with them … a little cash maybe … Naturally we weren’t going to reimburse them completely … It was impossible … out of the question … But slip them a little present … say, five ten francs … That way they wouldn’t be taking a total loss … They might be made to realize that this was an act of Fate … When it came to carrying out his lovely plan, Courtial went white as a sheet … The stuffing went out of him … Couldn’t he do it himself? … Inconceivable! … How would it look for him to go ringing bells? … What about his authority? He’d lose face with the inventors … Better I should go spreading the good word … I had no standing, no dignity to lose … But what a smelly prospect! I could see that in advance! I’d have chickened out too, but then we were sunk … If we let things drift, the rag was through … That would be ruin, we’d be out in the street! … Things really had to be bad for me to take on such a rotten job …