Death on the Installment Plan

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  I stopped again at the end of the rue Saint-Denis … I couldn’t go any further, I found a niche where I couldn’t be seen at all … I felt better once I was sitting down … it was walking that turned my stomach … When I began to feel dizzy, I looked up in the air … It relieved my nausea to look up … The sky was very clear … I think I’ve never seen it so plainly … I was astonished that evening to see it so cloudless … I recognized all the stars … Well, pretty near all of them … I knew all the names … The old clown had pestered me enough with his trajectory orbits … Funny how I’d remembered them … I hadn’t made much of an effort, I’ve got to admit. Caniope and Andromeda … they were right there on the rue Saint-Denis … right over the roof across the street … A little further right the Waggoner, that kind of blinks in the direction of Libra … I knew them all right … It’s a little harder to get Ophiuchus straight … You could easily mistake it for Mercury except for the asteroid … That’s a neat trick … But you pretty near always get the Cradle and Berenice mixed up … Pelleas is a hard one to pick out … That night you couldn’t miss it … That was Pelleas to a T … north of Bacchus … a nearsighted ape could have found it … Even the “great nebula of Orion” was clear as day … between the Triangle and Ariadne … You couldn’t go wrong … A unique, exceptional opportunity … in Blême we’d only seen Orion once all year … And we’d looked for it every night … Kid Spyglass would have been mighty glad of the chance to observe it so distinctly … he was always going on about it … He’d published a guide about the “Asteroidal References” … there was even a whole chapter about the nebula of Antiope … It was really a surprise to be seeing it in Paris … where the sky is famous for being so smutty and opaque … I could hear Courtial raving about it … I could hear him gassing away beside me on a bench …

  “You see, my boy, the one that trembles? … that’s not even a planet … it’s a fake … It’s not even a point of reference, not even an asteroid … It’s nothing but a vagabond … see what I mean? … So watch your step … A vagabond … Wait another two million years, maybe then it will give off a profuse light … Maybe then you’ll be able to get a picture … Right now it’s a phony and you’ll ruin your whole plate … That’s all the good it’ll do you … And those vaporids are deceptive, my boy … It’s not even a periodic comet … Don’t let them fool you, Antonio … The stars are a lot of floozies … Look before you leap! … They’re no little white elves … Watch your dynameter … A quarter of a second’s exposure! … A quarter tenth and your film is shot! Oh, they’re fierce … they’re incorrigible … Watch your step, Lolita … They don’t give plates away at the Flea Market … Not by a long shot, my dear bishop …” I could hear all the old blarney … “Once you’ve looked at a thing, you ought to remember it forever … Don’t force your intelligence … it’s reason that gums everything up … Give your instinct a chance … Once it gets a good look, the game is won … It’ll never deceive you …” My reason had taken a powder … all I had left was blotting paper in my legs … I kept on walking though … And then I found another bench … I crumpled against the back … It wasn’t exactly warm anymore … it seemed to me that the old boy was there on the other end, turning his back to me. I was seeing things … I shot the shit in his place … his exact own words … I wanted to hear him talk … to remember everything he’d said … He was in front of me on the pavement … “Ferdinand! Ferdinand! Ingenuity is man! … Don’t waste yourself on low thoughts …” He told me all his fairy tales, and I remembered them all together … I was talking out loud … The people stopped to listen … They must have thought I was drunk … So then I shut my trap … But it stirred me up just the same … my dome was all full of it … Those memories really had a hold on me … I couldn’t believe the old clothespin was dead … And yet I could see him with his head all marmalade … the meat still twitching … and messing all over the road … Hell! And the farm at the bottom of the hill! … and that Arton bitch and her kid! … and the trowel! … and the wheelbarrow! … and me and the old lady wheeling him down the road … Ah, the bastard! He wouldn’t let go! He went bouncing through my memory … I thought of all those things … the Insurrection bar … Formerly … the commissaire on the rue des Bon-Enfants … his cockeyed rays … And all those putrid potatoes … Ah, it was stinking when you think of it … the way that bastard lied to us … And now he was starting in again … He was right there in front of me … next to the bench … His meat smell was there … My nose was full of it … That’s the presence of death for you … when you do their talking for them … All of a sudden I stood up … I couldn’t stand it … I was going to let out one terrible yell … and get myself pinched good and proper … I lifted up my eyes … so as not to see the housefronts … They made me too sad … I saw his face too much on the walls … behind all the windowpanes … in the darkness … Up there Orion-tes had disappeared … I’d lost my landmark in the clouds … But I managed to find Andromeda … I kept looking … I looked for Caniope … the one that blinks at the Dipper … Naturally I got dizzy … I started walking again anyway … I went down the Grands Boulevards … I came back to the Porte Saint-Martin … I was dead on my feet … I was zigzagging … I knew it myself … I was scared pink of the cops … They thought I was tight too … In front of the clock at the Nègre I went “pst, pst” to a cab … He took me in …

  “To Uncle Édouard’s,” I said.

  “Uncle Édouard? Where’s that?”

  “Rue de la Convention … 14 …” I was bound to get picked up if I kept wandering around like that … feeling so rotten dizzy … It was getting awfully risky … If the cops had questioned me … I was all mixed up in the first place … I’d never know what to say … The ride in the cab did me good … It really picked me up a little … Uncle Édouard was home … He didn’t seem very surprised … He was glad to see me … I sit down at his table … I take off my coat … I only had the little corduroy jacket under it …

  “That’s some rig!” he remarked … He asked me if I’d had dinner.

  “No, I’m not hungry,” I said.

  “So you’ve lost your appetite?”

  He went right on talking … He told me all about himself … He had his troubles … He’d just come back from Belgium, he’d been in a terrible mess … He’d finally unloaded his little “extra-collapsible” pump on a manufacturing combine … the terms weren’t so hot … He was damn sick of lawsuits and claims … in connection with the “multiple” and “reversible” patents … He was fed up … He didn’t go for lawyers and headaches … With this little spot of cash he was going to buy some simple straightforward business … something in the mechanical line … a going concern … repairing small cars … secondhand jalopies … That’s always a profitable deal … In addition he’d take back his customers’ lamps and horns … that was down his alley … He’d modernize them … There’s always a demand for little nickel and copper accessories … All you’ve got to do is keep up with the styles … You fix them up … and then you find a customer good for a three hundred percent profit … that’s business for you! He wasn’t worrying … He knew all the tricks … If he hadn’t quite made up his mind, it was on account of the premises … He still wanted to think it over … The lease wasn’t very clear … They were asking plenty for the goodwill … He smelled a slight rat … They weren’t giving the equipment away either … He was letting the negotiations drag out … He’d learned his lesson … He’d almost bought into some kind of company that was building a regular factory for body accessories … not a hundred yards from the Porte de Vanves … Nothing had come of it … They’d been screwing him in the contract … At the last moment he’d got cold feet … He hadn’t trusted his partners … And he hadn’t been wrong … He always stopped to think … It was too good to be honest … Pretty near forty-seven percent … Hell, they had to be bandits … He didn’t regret it much … He’d have been taken sure as shit with those kind of gangsters … So anyway he s
pilled his story … he told me everything that had happened in his business from the time we’d gone to Blême to the present moment … Then it was my turn … I started off very slowly … He listened all the way …

  “My Lord! Well, kid … say, that’s rough …” He was flabbergasted … “Say, that’s unbelievable … Say, it’s no wonder you’re skinny as a rail … Say, you’ve been through the mill … Hell … That’ll teach you … You see, kid … that’s how it is in the country … If you come from Paris, you’d better stay there … I’ve often been offered little agencies, garages and stuff in the sticks … It sounds good … Selling bicycles, tires, and so on … Your own master … free as the air … that’s the old oil … They never took me in … Never, believe you me … All those country rackets, you got to know what you’re doing … You’ve got to be born to their sticky ways … You go out there to the woods … as innocent as the day you were born … Imagine! … You’re raring to go … They take you the minute you get off the train … You’re a sitting duck and no two ways about it … Everybody fleeces you … They have the time of their lives … You’re sunk … Profits? … Don’t make me laugh! … Not a sou … They screw you all along the line … How are you going to stop them? … You’re lost before you start … You’ve got to learn their ways with your mother’s milk … Then you’re all right … Otherwise you’re a sucker from the word go … How can you expect to succeed? … You don’t learn those things overnight … Artichokes aren’t invented … You haven’t a chance in ten thousand … And hell, the way you went about it! … With centrifugal farming … That’s a hot one … You were looking for trouble … Naturally you got screwed … What would you expect? … But say, kid, are you skinny! It’s incredible … Do you like tapioca soup? …” He rummaged around the kitchen … It must have been at least nine o’clock … “You’ve got to build yourself up … Here you’re going to eat, I can promise you that … You’re going to put it away … No two ways about it …” He took another look at me … the cut of my jacket made him smile a little … and my combination pants … with the string seat …

  “You can’t run around in rags … I’ll go get you a pair of pants … Wait a second … I’ll find something …” He went to the next room and brought me a whole suit, out of his closet with the sliding door … in perfect condition … and a bearskin coat … big and shaggy … “You can wear these for the time being …” He also gave me a cap with flaps and a suit of flannel underwear … I was all set up …

  “So you’re not hungry? … Not at all?” I couldn’t have eaten a thing … I felt sick … There was something mean going on inside me … My bowels were aJJ gurgling … No kidding, I was in bad shape …

  “What’s the matter, kid? …” I was beginning to worry him.

  “Nothing … nothing at all …” I was trying to keep hold of myself.

  “Have you caught cold? … Say, you must have the grippe …”

  “Oh no … I don’t think so,” I said … “But if you feel like it, Uncle, when you’re through eating … maybe we could take a little walk …”

  “You think that would make you feel better?”

  “Oh yes, Uncle … Yes, I think so …”

  “Do you feel sick to your stomach?”

  “Yes, just a little, Uncle.”

  “Say, that’s a good idea … Let’s go right away … I’ll eat later … I’m a little like your mother, you know … subito, presto, don’t put things off!” He didn’t finish his supper … We strolled, very slowly, to the café on the corner … He sat us down on the terrace and ordered mint tea for me … He talked about one thing and another … I asked him for news … Had he seen my parents? …

  “As I was leaving for Belgium … that was two months ago yesterday … I dropped in at the Passage … I haven’t seen them since … They were really racking their brains over your letters … They studied them word for word … They couldn’t figure out what had become of you … Your mother wanted to go see right away … I dissuaded her … I told her I had news … I said you were getting along fine … but you didn’t have a minute to spare on account of the sowing … Anyway a lot of blarney … She postponed her trip … Your father was still sick … He was absent from the office several days in succession this winter… They were both afraid that this time would be it … that Lempreinte and the other guy wouldn’t wait … that they’d fire him … But in the end they took him back … But they docked him in full for the time of his absence! … Imagine! … For illness! … A company with a capital of a hundred million … with real estate all over the place! Isn’t it disgraceful? …

  Isn’t it disgusting? … Well, that’s the whole trouble … The bigger they are, the more they want … They’re insatiable … They’ve never got enough … All that dough only makes them crummier … Companies are horrible … I see it in my own little business … They’re bloodsuckers the whole lot of them … they’re wild beasts, vampires … It’s hard to imagine … but it’s true … That’s how people get rich … it’s the only way!”

  “Yes, Uncle …”

  “Anybody that gets sick on the job can go to hell!”

  “Yes, Uncle …”

  “It’s the final shindig, * son, those are the things you’ve got to find out … and the sooner the better … Watch out for millionaires … And say, I forgot to tell you … There’s something new … about their ailments … Your father refuses to see a doctor anymore … Not even Capron, who wasn’t bad … and really not dishonest … He didn’t force his calls on you … Your mother too … she won’t have him … She just doctors herself … And I assure you she limps … I don’t know how she manages … Plasters and poultices the whole time … with mustard, without mustard … hot, cold, hot, cold! … And she never stops working … And she runs herself ragged … She’s got to go looking for customers … She’s found some new ones for the new Embroidery House … Bulgarian lace they sell … Good God! . , . Your father of course doesn’t know anything about it … Her territory is the whole Right Bank … That’s a lot of mileage … If you could see her face when she comes home from those treks … Ah, you wouldn’t believe it! … I’d have taken her for a corpse … She really frightened me the other day … I saw her in the street … She was coming home with her boxes … At least forty pounds, I’ll bet … Forty pounds, do you hear? … Holding it all up … That crap is heavy … She didn’t even see me … Exhaustion will be the death of her … You won’t last long either if you’re not more careful … Take it from me … In the first place you eat too fast … Yourparents were always telling you that … They were right for once …”

  All that was perfectly possible … But it didn’t matter… anyway not very much … I didn’t want to contradict him … I didn’t want to start an argument … What troubled me while he was talking … was that I wasn’t even listening very well … That was on account of my bellyache … My guts were all twisted … He went on talking …

  “What are you going to do now? … Have you got something in mind? … After you’ve put a little flesh on your bones? …” He was kind of worried about my future too …

  “What I’m saying, son, isn’t to hurry you … Not at all … Take your time before you start applying … Get your bearings … Don’t go for any old thing … You’ll only be making trouble for yourself … Naturally you’ve got to go looking, but easy does it … Watch your step … A job is like food … It’s got to be the right kind … Think it over … use your judgment … Ask me … Feel around … Look in all directions … And don’t make up your mind until you’re sure … Then you’ll tell me … There’s no fire … Not yet … Don’t take any damn thing … just to please me … No little two-week jobs … Nothing doing! … You’re not a kid anymore … No more screwball schemes … You’ll get hurt in the end … You’ll get a bad reputation.”

  We started back toward his place … We walked around the Luxembourg * … He talked some more about jobs … It was on his mind, kind of, trying to figur
e how I was going to make out … Maybe in the bottom of his kind heart he was wondering if I’d ever get over my disastrous instincts … my jailbird tendencies … I let him bubble a while … I didn’t know what to say … I didn’t answer right away … I was really too tired and I had a rotten ache in the temples … I was only listening with half an ear … When we got to the Boulevard Raspail, I couldn’t even walk straight … I was looping all over the sidewalk … He noticed … We stopped again … I was thinking of something entirely different … I was resting … Uncle Édouard was driving me crazy with his prospects … I looked up in the sky again … “Say, Uncle Édouard, do you know the Veils of Venus … and the Hive of Shooting Stars? …” They were just coming out of the clouds … all that Stardust … “And Amarine … and Proliscrpe?” I’d spotted them one right after the other, the white one and the pink one … ‘“Wouldn’t you like me to show you?” Uncle Édouard had known his constellations in the old days … At one time he’d even known the whole Great Boreal Zenith … from the Triangle to Sagittarius, almost by heart … He’d known his whole Flammarion … and his Pereires too naturally … But he’d forgotten it all … He didn’t remember a single one … He couldn’t even find Libra!