by Rose, Willow
The swamps were dryer than usual since it hadn't rained for weeks, so the water in the river was lower than the last time I had walked in it. It made passing through it easier on us. I wouldn't say I was still drunk since several hours has passed since my last beer, but I definitely still had a buzz going in my head, a dizziness that I knew would affect my coordination and ability to react quickly and aim in a dangerous situation. I could tell Jim suffered from the same condition. Nevertheless, we continued undauntedly our search for this animal I had once cared about. For Jim, it was personal. He wanted this kill to avenge his father and to get back at the beast for making a fool of him by disarming him in that attack earlier in the year. He wanted to show it who was in command, he wanted to take back his power and manhood or something like that I guess. No matter the reason, he was determined to get it this time. He had that look upon his face as we crossed through the river and ended up back on the trail leading us to the clearing—the look of one who had been knocked down by life several times and now was about to get his long awaited vindication. Even if I wasn't as determined as he was to kill this beast—I don't think I cared about anything that much at this point—but I wanted him to have that victory in life. If anyone should do it, then I wanted it to be him.
Jim was the first to walk into the clearing with his rifle held high searching around him to make sure nothing was lurking in the bushes ready to ambush us.
"Remember. If it is cornered it will attack like the last time. Then you shoot, you hear me?" he whispered. "This time don't let me down. Now throw out the meat."
I took off my backpack and took out the raw meat. I threw it on the ground and then I backed up so I wasn't too close to it when the jaguar came out. It had been more than three months since I had last seen the beast, and I had no idea if it was there or not. I had no expectation of it even remembering me after this long a time. After all, it was nothing but an animal that lived from day to day, from meal to meal. It had no feelings or thoughts, it didn't worry about tomorrow nor did it have friendships. I couldn't imagine that it would be able to remember me.
It took only a few minutes. It might have been longer - it is hard to remember after all these years - but it felt like only a short wait. The first thing I spotted were its eyes, those glowing yellow beads that suddenly appeared in the darkness between the trees. Like stars on a black night sky. I gasped as I saw them and immediately lowered my weapon by reflex. My heart started racing and I felt the adrenalin in my blood. Jim was standing next to me still pointing his rifle at the animal as it slowly emerged from the darkness, one smooth movement after the other. It was as if it was sliding towards us or even floating. It was a breathtaking sight. It uttered a low growl as it walked closer to the meat on the ground. Jim was shaking all over, causing his rifle to tremble as well. This was his moment. This was it. The jaguar sniffed the meat and started licking it and I was waiting, expecting, anticipating that Jim would take his shot. But somehow he didn't. I stared at him and realized he was frozen. The jaguar had its eyes fixed on him while sinking its teeth into the raw meat.
My heart was beating even faster now causing me to gasp for breath. I had no idea what to do. Jim seemed to do nothing, so was it up to me to finish it off? Was this even a worthy death for it? Being shot while eating meat we had brought it? Wasn't it kind of cowardly of us? I felt a sudden guilt come over me. I was the one who had tamed it and made it believe that it was safe to eat the meat that I put on the ground. I was the reason why it wasn't suspicious of us being there.
I lifted the rifle with my sweaty hands. I wiped them on my pants one by one to make sure they wouldn't slip when I made the shot. If I was to do it, it had to be a clean shot. I had to kill it immediately. I couldn't bear the thought of it suffering. At the same time, I really wanted Jim to be the one to kill it. It was, after all, his quest to kill the jaguar, his passion. It had never been mine.
Boom! A shot was fired towards the quietly eating jaguar. Jim had pulled the trigger. It hit the jaguar on the left hind leg causing it to roar out loud with a sound that let us know it was hurt but not yet killed. The sound pierced right through my bones. Jim loaded again and fired another shot. But his hands were shaking too much and he missed. Instead he hit a trunk somewhere. The jaguar roared again but didn't try to run away. Why doesn’t it just run away? I thought desperately. The sight of the suffering animal in anguish and pain made me realize that I didn't want it to be killed. I really didn't. I felt a lump in my throat that was growing as Jim fired another shot and struck its back. The jaguar fell to the ground with a huge roar. I couldn't breathe. Jim reloaded and got ready for another shot when the jaguar suddenly was back on its legs. Its eyes were twisted in agony. Before I was even aware of it moving, it leaped into the air towards Jim and knocked him over with a huge snarl. As if in slow motion, I saw it grab onto him with its paws, hold him down with its weight and then sink its teeth into his left leg. I could hear bones being crushed like someone crushing ice between their teeth. Jim screamed in pain while the jaguar effortlessly ripped his leg open causing Jim's blood to color the ground beneath them.
Then I pulled the trigger. There was no way out of it. I had to save Jim. My bullet hissed through the air, and with a coarse sound, it entered the tawny elegant fur of my jaguar on its right side. The jaguar roared deafeningly in the night as it let go of Jim's leg. It was bleeding now and seemed defeated, weak and hurt. I lifted the rifle once again to fire a last shot when my eyes again caught the jaguar's and I hesitated. The animal was mewling, crawling on its legs, crouching, as it tried to walk. Just do it, Christian. It's the merciful thing to do.
But I couldn't. I couldn't finish it off. I couldn't get my finger to pull the trigger again and fire that last shot. Instead I watched as it turned its back to me and with great difficulty and pain limped its way back in between the trees, leaving behind a trail of blood.
I was breathing heavily as I ran towards Jim. He was no longer conscious. His blood had colored the entire riverbank red. I was panicking now. We were far from everything. If I left him to run for help he would bleed to death. I took my shirt and ripped it and with the remains I tied a sort of bandage around the wound that was immediately soaked by the gushing blood. Then I lifted Jim up on my back and started carrying him down the river.
Chapter 32
I have no idea how I managed to carry him so far. He was almost the same size as me and even heavier because he was more muscular than me. But they say that with adrenalin people can do even the most impossible things.
Nevertheless, I managed to carry him all the way back to his car where I threw him in the back seat before driving off. He woke up as we were on our way towards Flagler Hospital in St. Augustine, the only hospital I knew of since that was where Mrs. Kirk had been. Jim was moaning in pain and I tried to calm him down.
"Hang in there. We are almost there, Jim. Just stay awake. Stay alive for me," I yelled while the sweat ran like water across my face.
I received nothing but more moaning but that was enough for me. Enough to make sure that he was still alive.
It took twenty minutes that felt like forever, till we got there. I drove directly to the ER entrance and a team of nurses and doctors received Jim and put him on a stretcher before they took off with him running into the building.
I exhaled with relief. Now he would at least be in good hands. Then I parked the car in the front and ran inside where a nurse showed me to a place where I could wait.
The wait was unbearable. Simply tormenting. I found a payphone and called his mother and his brothers, and soon they filled the waiting room with anxious faces and worried eyes. I also called Mrs. Kirk to let them know where I was and told them not to worry. Then I sat in one of the green chairs.
Jim's older brother kept questioning me, trying to figure out what exactly had taken place in the swamps.
"What I don't understand is how could the jaguar attack him like that when he was armed?" he kept asking.
"Jim doesn't freeze in an important moment like that. He is the best hunter I know. He always shoots first. He always hits and kills in that first shot. He never misses."
"But he did tonight," I said. "He hit it on its leg and then he missed one. Then he shot it on the back and that's when it leaped towards him and bit him."
"So where is that beast now? You shot it, right?"
I nodded. "I shot it and that made it let go of Jim. Then it ran away."
"Why didn't you kill it?" he asked. "You should've killed it right there on the spot for what it did to my brother."
"I know. I tried but it was too fast. I am sure it is dead by now. It was shot several times it is unlikely to survive."
The brother exhaled. "Well, you did your best."
"Damn right he did," another voice roared through the waiting room. All the brothers and even Jim's mother who was crying, stood up. Into the room rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair. He could be none other than Jim's father. The man that hadn't left his office in years since the accident had now showed up for his son. With a nurse helping him, he rolled towards me. "This boy saved his life," he said fighting to pronounce the words properly. He was spitting while pressing the words out. "Is it true what I hear? Did you carry my boy all that way ... all the way through the swamps on your back?"
I bent my head humbly and nodded. I didn't feel like a hero at all.
"Then I owe you my life," the father said. "Anything you ever need, I will provide. You can be sure of that." I detected a small tear in this proud man's eye and felt tears piling up in my own.
I was touched. I had never met this man before in my life but I could tell that this meant a lot to him. He was a man of honor, and I knew leaving the house and his solitude to come here was a huge thing. "It was my honor, sir," I said. "Jim is a great friend."
Only a few seconds later we were interrupted by a doctor. All the family gathered around him. "He will be fine," he said. A sigh of relief burst out of the his mother. I knew how she felt. Suffice to say, I was terrified of losing him as well.
"He will, however, lose the leg," the doctor continued. "The bone is completely crushed. We tried for a long time to save it, but unfortunately we didn't succeed."
I sank back into the chair with a heavy exhalation. I was thrilled that Jim would survive, but losing his leg? Jim was an outdoor person who liked to hike, swim, play tennis, and go fishing and hunting. All kinds of sports. This would truly be a handicap. This would be devastating for him. This could easily end up crushing him.
Since the doctor told us that Jim was sleeping and wouldn't be able to see anyone until the next day anyway, I took a taxi home to the Kirk's house. I dozed off a couple of times on the ride back while watching the old city pass my windows in the night. I watched the old houses in the light from the streetlamps and somehow they entered my dream. When the car stopped at a red light, I woke up with a start, breathing heavily. My feelings were one big mess. I was happy Jim was alive, but felt guilt that I hadn't been able to do something before he was attacked. I mean I could easily have shot the beast while Jim was hesitating. If I had only done that this would never have happened. Jim would have both of his legs and could outrun me and beat me in tennis like he always did.
I fell into a heavy sleep that lasted the rest of the ride. As the car pulled up in front of the house, I paid the driver and watched it as it drove away. Then I turned and looked at the house. It looked like it was sleeping just like the people inside of it. Then I did something I hadn't done in months. I turned and stared at Aiyana's house. It looked the same. Nothing seemed to have changed. Then I noticed what sounded like mourning. I couldn't help but smiling. That had to be Wyanet, Aiyana's mother. She was even playing the cello at night. I stood at the pavement for a long time listening to the sound of the deep cello music. It was beautiful, but so desolate. Even more than usual. It was almost like hearing someone cry in deep sorrow. It left me with a gloomy feeling and I hurried up and went inside. I took a quick glass of water in the kitchen before I walked up the stairs to my room.
Inside my room, I was in for quite the surprise. Heather was sleeping in my bed and as I opened the door and went in she woke up. I hadn't seen her when I started undressing in the dark sitting on the edge of the bed, but suddenly I felt her hands on my back. She crept up behind me and started kissing me in my neck. I felt a chill all over, a chill of pleasure.
"Is he alright?" I heard her whisper close to my ear.
I nodded. "He will lose his left leg, though."
"Poor Jim," she said gently. Then she kissed my ear.
I exhaled deeply. As she continued to kiss me, I drew in my breath in a long sigh. Again I felt some sort of happiness but it was mixed with a sorrow and the feeling of extreme guilt. Guilt over leaving Jim like this at the hospital and guilt over being with the woman that he loved. But he had given me permission, hadn't he? Wasn't that what he had said? "You should be with her." Those were his words. I was allowed to do this.
"I want this, Chris," she whispered. "I want to be with you." Her voice almost broke. "I have wanted you since the first time I saw you."
I took her in my arms. I held her, kissing her silky neck and her pale ivory cheeks. "Me too," I whispered. "I want this to happen too."
I ripped off her nightgown and looked at her naked body in my bed. Then I touched it, touched the skin and kissed the top of her breasts. I heard her exhale and saw her body give in to my touches helplessly. I let my tongue caress the dark circle of her nipple and then I sucked them hard one after the other while touching them with my hands. She was twisting feverishly under me, her mouth opening slightly, leaving room for me to kiss her. I stuck my tongue into her mouth and kissed her aggressively while my hands were still working her body, causing her to twist and turn helplessly as she felt my chest and pinched my nipples. I was so hard now. I wanted to climb her. Her smooth skin looked like it was glittering in the weak light coming from the bathroom. I was on top of her while her hand moved on my crotch pulling my underwear off and bringing out my hard sex. Our bodies were pulsing against each other as I entered. I entered her with all my desire and lust and months of repressed anger.
I have no idea what came over me at that second, but I rode her hard after that. Brutally hard. I slapped her face and made her turn her eyes away while I used her body for mere pleasure. While I showed her who was in control. As my hips slammed against hers I went deeper and deeper into her, all the while thinking of someone else. All the while the pictures of Aiyana beneath me flashed before my eyes causing me to be even more ruthless towards Heather.
Then I closed my eyes and exploded inside of her.
Chapter 33
That night, I dreamt about Aiyana. Not in any sexual way as I used to, but I dreamt that she was in trouble. I woke up when it was still dark outside. Something was going on with me, something inside of me felt all stirred up and uncontrollable. I had this incredibly strong feeling and I had no idea what it meant. You might call it a fear or an anxiety that wouldn't go away. But those words don't suffice. They're simply not enough to describe how I felt. My heart was racing in my chest and I couldn't lie still, I couldn't find rest again. Heather was sleeping heavily next to me, her body moving quietly in the darkness with her breathing. There wasn't a sound in the big house except for my pounding heart. Was it guilt? Was I feeling guilt for having been with someone else? For having slept with Heather? Guilt towards whom? Heather? She wanted this herself, she said so. She was the one who climbed into my bed and was waiting for me there. Had I used her? Maybe. But she was a grown woman who made her own decisions. Could it be guilt towards Aiyana? But it was over between us, she was the one who had left me. Why should I feel guilt?
I put my head back on the pillow and closed my eyes. Pictures flickered through my head faster than ever. And there were the voices, too. Voices that nearly drove me insane. Some were whispering, some were y
elling. Words, phrases, a few sentences here and there, that I couldn't make any meaning of. It was worse than ever. They were so persistent. It was like they wanted something and it was not just important, it was crucial. I tried everything. I tried to ignore them, but that only made them louder and stronger. I tried to listen to them, decipher some of the voices and pictures and see if some of them meant anything to me, if I could recognize any like I had with Anna, but there were too many and it was all too fast for me. The voices talking inside of my head seemed like they were giving me urgent messages, they were a lot more pushy than I was used to, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't figure out what they were saying or what they wanted from me.
I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. I felt like screaming at them to shut up and leave me alone! Was this what it felt like to go mad? Was that what was happening to me? Maybe it had been on its way for quite some time and now I was finally losing it for real. Maybe this night's events with Jim started something in me. Maybe it was like some sort of post-traumatic stress that I had heard about, that people got after an event or something huge happening in their life, like a big trauma or after being at war. I was thinking about being checked again by the doctors. Something wasn't right in my brain. If they couldn't find something I had to see a psychiatrist. Maybe medicine was the right answer after all.
I tried once again to go back to sleep, telling myself that I had to pull myself together to not lose it. It is all in your head. You have to keep it down or you'll go nuts! After a few minutes I started having trouble breathing. I opened my eyes and gasped for breath. It felt like someone was trying to strangle me and I sat up and took in a big breath, trying to calm myself down with medical facts. Come on. There is nothing to it really. Breathing isn't difficult it is merely the bodily process of inhalation and exhalation. The process of taking in oxygen from inhaled air and releasing carbon dioxide by exhalation. That's right. Breathe in and breathe out. Slowly to stay calm. Don't lose it. Whatever you do. Do not panic!
