“Only, what, Will? Tell me. Let’s make this a night when all the truth comes out. I think we’ll both be better off. Okay?”
So, hesitantly, I told him that I didn’t think it was healthy for him to keep reminding himself of Teddy.
He raised up and pulled away from me, and I was afraid I had gone too far. But he was smiling. He shook his head, looking into my eyes. “It’s not what you think. In a way, I’m all over him, Will. He’s a beautiful memory that I will always cherish, which I will probably make more out of as the years pass than was really there.”
“Then why do you keep torturing yourself by keeping that picture of him by your bedside? Why do you leave his dog tags out to remind you?”
“To tell myself that if it could happen once, it can happen again. Yes, I sometimes cry for the loss of what Ted and I had, Will. You’ll sometimes cry when you think of your father. You’ll cry with regret over things that you’ve done in the past. There’s no changing it, though, and you’ll go on. But I feel good about Ted and me. It’s not something I try to get back by reminding myself of him. He’s my legend, if you want. My story that two men can love each other and be committed.”
I was surprised to hear that and relieved too. “Only you still seem sad, Uncle Sean. I feel like you’re shutting yourself off from other guys. You could have stayed there in San Francisco and found those men who believe as you do, that marriage and commitment are possible and good and not something to scoff at. You’ve said, yourself, that the men here are too closeted and self-loathing. You need to meet a healthy-minded man who feels as good about being gay as you or I do.”
Uncle Sean was smiling now, his pink lips turned up in that beautiful smile that had always drawn me to him. “Look, Will. Part of what you may have seen eating at me was knowing I had hurt you, lied to you, really. Part of it was feeling guilty for my feelings for you and thinking I might have damaged you in some way. But I don’t think I’ll have to worry about that any more.”
“Then are you going to start dating?” I asked. “You’ll probably have to work your way through several guys before you find someone like Teddy.”
He laughed at that, this time without crying at the same time. “Yes. I’m afraid you’re right. You think an old guy like me can handle that kind of stress?”
“You’re not old, Uncle Sean, and I know for a fact that you’re the most beautiful man in Austin. I saw the way guys were glad to see you at the lake. Why don’t you check out some of Bryce and Carlos’ friends? Or, why not Charlie? He’s available.”
“Oh puh-lease!” Uncle Sean said, laughing, “I’m not about to take advantage of a virgin. I don’t want the responsibility.”
And so our serious talk turned light, and after a while we both began to yawn and get sleepy. But neither of us wanted to go to our separate beds, so we settled down on the couch together, and I pulled Uncle Sean’s head down on my chest and wrapped my arms around him. I knew we were at the edge and could easily jump. But he didn’t let his hands stray down my chest to touch the erection I had in my sweat pants, and I didn’t slide my hand under his robe, either, though I’d seen him rearrange himself as we both fell asleep.
Part Two
Time, Temptation, and Distance
Chapter Seven:
Lance
I called Lance the very next morning, when Uncle Sean had gone out for bagels and a Sunday paper. That was our Sunday morning snack before heading out to Mama’s for a big dinner. So as soon as Lance got on the phone, I told him about our trip to the lake with Charlie, our dinner, and about my talk with Uncle Sean the night before. I wasn’t going to leave anything out, either, because I wanted Lance to know how it had been.
“He was carrying so much guilt around inside him, honey, it was beginning to show through, you know?”
“But, Angel,” Lance said, long and slow, and I closed my eyes to just feel his deep voice in my ear, “what does he have to feel guilty about?”
So I gave him the short version of how he admitted why he’d really left so suddenly to go out to San Francisco. “He said he wasn’t sure how much longer he could have held off making love to me, instead of just kissing me. You understand?”
There was silence on the other end, then, “Angel, you’re so innocent sometimes. You construct your world like a painting and place people just where you think they belong. In your placement, you had Sean at arm’s length because he was your uncle and because he told you it wasn’t right. I’m not surprised that he was ready to jump your bones and knew he had to leave before he did.”
“You’re not?”
“He’s very much in love with you, Will. That was obvious when he came out to the farm on his way to Austin. But he respects you too much to give in to what would ordinarily be a normal impulse.”
My heart was beginning to pound because I hadn’t yet told Lance just how close we came, nor how much I had fought off the urge, myself.
“Well, you’re right,” I said. “But I also wanted to tell you that we could have made love last night. He said he needed body contact, Lance, and I let him hold me. We shared a joint, too, which you should know takes away inhibitions. I had a boner much of the time we were talking, and so did he. I hope you aren’t too angry about that, but you know how I always felt about him. Like you say, though, we both respected the other too much, but we came close.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t, Will. It might be what Sean needs, you know?”
I felt choked up all of a sudden, because I knew I had to tell Lance how it was. “I would have, Lance, if he had asked. Do you know what I’m saying?”
“But he didn’t?”
I shook my head, even though it was a lost gesture since Lance couldn’t see it. “No. He didn’t, and I was relieved. I don’t want anything to spoil what you and I have.”
“It would have answered a lot of the questions you have in your heart, though. Wouldn’t it?”
I was a little dismayed at how casually Lance was treating what I’d just told him. Then the green-eyed monster rose up in my chest, and I was afraid that he was being understanding because, well, he might have something to tell me. But I wouldn’t look my jealousy in the eye. I just had to trust that he’d tell me. I would not ask. “What do you mean?”
“Whether you’ve made the right choice.”
I was beginning to be upset, so I tried to keep my breathing under control. “I made the right choice, if you mean between you or Uncle Sean.”
“But for the right reasons? Or just because he’s your uncle and it wouldn’t be ‘right’?”
“That’s Uncle Sean’s reason, Lance. He’s the one who said he and I couldn’t be boyfriends all those years ago, because we were related. I know that’s an important reason. But it’s not my reason for not doing anything with him. From the moment you and I met, you had me hooked. You still do.”
“Still…you say you have feelings for him in that way. Wouldn’t it be better if you explored them?”
“I think last night was the big test,” I said. “We both chose not to do anything about it. That’s now in the past. We both know it.”
It was almost like I could feel Lance shrug on the other end. “I’m just telling you that it wouldn’t devastate me if you had, Will. I’m the one who’s been around the block a few times, and you’re basing your entire future on me, without ever knowing for sure, without ever making love to another man.”
“That’s how it’s going to stay, too. What about you? Are you still sure about us, or do you want to explore things out there?” I had fought to keep my voice steady, my question flat, so it wouldn’t sound like I was accusing him. I waited a heartbeat, then two.
“Are you still there, Lance?”
“Yes, Angel. Thank you for asking. But I’m still as sure of ‘us’ now as I was a year ago. I just want to make sure that you are, too. You could do worse than Sean, you know.”
I knew I was supposed to feel relief, but our whole conversation was fright
ening me, deep inside, to the foundation of everything I believed in. I finally figured out that this was Lance’s way of testing me.
“Well, then thank you for knowing how it is with me and Uncle Sean. I guess I’ll always have those kinds of feelings for him somewhere inside of me. But when he came out to visit on the farm, remember? And you met him for the first time, I asked myself that question, whether I could give you up for him, and it’s the same answer now as it was then. I couldn’t because you’re the guy I fell in love with, the guy I gave my heart to, the guy I married. You believe me, don’t you?”
“I do, Will. This separation is killing me, if you want to know the truth. I hang out with friends, and like you and Sean, there’s sometimes this mutual attraction, but I fight the guy off, even when we’re trying to become friends.”
“You mean like your friend Taz or Guy?”
“Yes. I met Taz about a week after school started. He’s a motion picture student. I know he’s got the hots for me, and there have been nights when I’ve been so lonely, I could see myself going through with it. But I never do, because like you, I don’t want to spoil what we have. Before you came along, being gay was just having sex with other men. But it’s more than that. And I’m selfish enough to want to be a part of your family, too. You understand?”
I did. He had come as close as I had, maybe even more often, and he trusted me enough to tell me. I was relieved.
So I drifted away from such frightening talk and asked him about school and how his freelance painting was coming. Thus far, he said, he’d sold well over a dozen paintings through his contact with the rich man whose mural he had painted.
“I bought a car!” he said, suddenly. “I’ll tell you more about it in a letter, but since we’re talking, I can’t stand waiting to tell you. I paid cash for it, Angel, without touching my savings and the money Mom gave me.”
I told him I was proud of him for it. Soon after, we said good-bye. As usual, as soon as I laid the receiver in the cradle, I wanted to snatch the phone right back up and call him again.
* * *
Instead, Uncle Sean came back with the bagels and the paper, and we went out to the breakfast room where the sun was streaming in. In this light, Uncle Sean looked as beautiful as ever, or rather ‘pretty,’ which is how I always thought of him. His mouth looked luscious as always, and I think for the first time in many months, his happiness was more than a passing expression on his otherwise sad face. I hope our talk helped. Maybe now he would begin working at meeting someone he could love, rather than living to work and working to live. I’d have to see. But right then, he was smiling radiantly, and inside, so was I. I think that I passed a hurdle in my separation from Lance. He and I had talked frankly about our own attraction to other guys, and I’d finally spelled out what he already knew about my feelings for Uncle Sean. I would have to believe he wasn’t upset that I had such feelings; and while that was difficult to believe, even more difficult to me was to so casually accept that he had such feelings for other guys besides me. I think that realization and acceptance will strengthen, not weaken, our relationship.
Besides, what am I really afraid of? If our commitment is strong and our ‘marriage’ is a good one, it will survive the separation of time, temptation, and distance. If it doesn’t, what I would really have to realize and accept is that our love for each other wasn’t that strong to begin with.
* * *
I wrote all that in a letter to Lance. He must have written soon after our last telephone call, because I got his letter by Tuesday of the next week.
Only it wasn’t just a letter.
My Angel! My Dearest Will, My Husband!
I wanted to write you as soon as we got off the phone. I want to reassure you that your feelings for Sean don’t bother me. Ok? Honest! I don’t think it would bother me, even if you had sex with him. God only knows I am far from innocent when it comes to having sex with other men. I told you about all that when we first met. So how could I not understand? But if you don’t feel right about it, don’t do it. I know you love me! I love you so much! How could I not? You’re my angel. You came along when I needed an angel and I got you!
I’m glad you told me though, about Sean and the virgin Charlie. Don’t let Charlie go off and get mixed up. Keep an eye on him. He sounds like a nice guy, a lonely guy.
It’s different out here in ‘Frisco. Let me tell you that! Sean was right. These guys fuck like rabbits. You wouldn’t want to know how many times I’ve been hit on. But I can just blow them off, ‘cause they’re not you! I told you about my two friends Guy and Taz. I told you how much they have sex whenever they can. It’s making them old and cynical real fast, you ask me. I can’t keep from thinking they’re like Dick Lamb from back in Animas. I think I saw him, did I tell you? Anyway, it was just in passing.
About my car. It’s a Subaru. Brand new for only $3,000. Runs like a top. Good gas mileage. So, when Christmas vacation comes, I’m driving out there. The school shuts down a week before Christmas and doesn’t start up again until mid January. I can’t wait to see you! Or Mom, or Rita and Trinket, and Sean, too. I want to see my family, ‘cause all of you are my family you know? Only don’t tell anybody and get their hopes up, ‘cause if something happens and I can’t make it, I’d be disappointed, and I think Trinket would be, too. But I can’t wait! It’s a lifetime till then, though.
Angel. I’m so happy. I love this city, but I get tired of so much rain, so much fog. It’s cold in July! I’m quickly losing my tan, so don’t be surprised when you see me all white and pale. But I’m working on my art and learning a lot. I’ve painted you over and over. And the old geezers who have been buying my other art—the nudes—keep raising their offers on you! I’ve posed you on the beach, on a rainy street, in the doorway of a café. I eat at the Fairmont with Taz at least every couple of weeks. I try to sit at the same table you and I sat at. I’ve painted you sitting at that table! Everybody asks who you are, the ones who don’t know you’re my husband! They die when they see you, and cream in their drawers when I pull out the nudes I’ve done of you. They say nobody can be that beautiful!
But I know different.
I closed my eyes and thought of you, and you can guess what’s in one of the vials I sent you! Now it’s your turn! I mean it. Okay? Fill up the empty one and send it back.
Love, kisses, bruised lips!
Lance
So without waiting—I couldn’t possibly have waited—I did what Lance asked me to do and wrote him a little note to go with the vial. His, I held to the light, amazed at the pearly rainbow luster that shone from the translucent white contents, and I held his vial to my lips and kissed the glass as my tears spilled out. I needn’t have worried, and I swore, gripping the little bottle in my palm until it was warm with my own body heat, that I would not let anything ruin what Lance and I had. Then I put the vial under my pillow where I would be able to grasp it during the night. This talisman, unlike our wedding rings, didn’t just represent his essence; it was his essence. In a way, he was there with me.
Then I laughed long and hard at the way his mind worked. I never would have thought of something like that!
Chapter Eight:
Temptation
As the fall semester at UT got underway, I felt more energetic and hopeful than I had during my first seven months separated from Lance. He was planning to come out to Austin during the Christmas break and that was only a little over four months away. I thought I could hold off that long. I was about to burst, however, not being able to give the good news to Mama, Rita, and Trinket, but Lance had said he didn’t want to disappoint them if he couldn’t make it.
But I just had to tell Uncle Sean. He was happy for me. He was also happier than he had been in a long time, too. After that night when we talked things out and he confessed his deeper feelings for me, you would have thought we’d be on edge, but it closed a door that had been open, and I think we were both glad about that. Hmmm... What do I mean by that? It r
eminded me of how I’d felt after he had kissed me back when I was a kid, even though he had said right after that we could not be boyfriends. He had closed the door on that idea of mine. By kissing me deep and long, however, he’d given me that essential experience I had craved, wondering what it would be like to kiss those beautiful lips of his. With that under my belt, I felt he had given me something valuable, and I didn’t have to intrude upon his more realistic needs for a mate who could provide him the complex companionship he needed.
So we both went around the apartment working on our projects, kind of tidying up our lives to get ready for the next phase.
“Why don’t we invite Bryce and Carlos over for dinner?” he asked one day.
“Only if you tell them to bring one of their friends, Uncle Sean, so you can have a dinner date besides you’re horny nephew.”
“But that’ll make you the fifth wheel. I couldn’t do that!”
I shook my head. “I’ll eat with you old guys, but afterwards, when you all start talking about boring stuff, I can clean the kitchen, fetch the wine, and listen in when the conversation gets juicy.”
He laughed about that and hugged me. I hugged him back and even kissed his cheek. “Besides,” I said, grinning, “I need to meet your potential husbands. I can’t just let you run off to those smoky clubs. Someone’s got to watch out for you.”
* * *
So we planned this little dinner. Uncle Sean was a pretty good cook, but we didn’t want to fuss with something fancy, so we made lasagna, a salad with everything in it but the kitchen sink, and had a full-bodied Chianti chilling in the refrigerator. We fussed a lot more with what we were going to wear, though, and we decided to freak everybody out by wearing matching blue and green striped polo shirts, freshly pressed khaki pants, and Birkenstock sandals. I’d noticed they were popular around campus—the sandals, that is—and I had kind of tried to modify my clothes to fit in better with what the other students were wearing, but I just couldn’t make myself go Bohemian. Besides, Uncle Sean wouldn’t have wanted me to, and Mama would have pitched a fit if she thought I was dressing worse than a farmer now that I was in college.
All Over Him Page 8
