“Arlene tells me that you have someone in San Francisco?”
His question was so vague, it could have meant anything, and I looked to Rita for a hint as to how I should proceed. She nodded ever so slightly, and I just went for it.
Actually, I think I blathered on about Lance, using “husband” and “gay” and fiddled with my wedding band, all the while checking Mama’s expression and Ernie’s and Rita’s rather amused, evil-sister smile. And Ernie just nodded, seeming to be nonplussed at the whole monologue I was carrying on, and when I took a breath to continue, Ernie stopped me by putting a hand on my knee.
“Listen, son, you don’t need to be so nervous. In the little bit you’ve told me, I think you’re an extremely nice young man, and I’d never judge you. I hope I get to meet your...husband, if that’s how you prefer to think of him. I have a brother like you. Now back then, must have been in the late fifties when he told me about himself, it was a lot harder than you kids have it nowadays. But I knew him for a good soul. So I’ve had my time to take a different kind of look at people.” Then he leaned back. “But what in the hell are you doing separated? I’d think...well, it don’t matter what I think.”
I felt giddy at that moment, because I hadn’t told anyone that I was planning to go back to San Francisco with Lance. And I hadn’t told them that Lance was coming here for Christmas.
So when I did, Mama actually burst into tears and an excited smile, and so did Rita. It’s just the way Mama was. She would cry at the happiest of moments, like this.
“Then we’ve got some shopping to do,” she said, as if she intended to get up right then and head for town.
At least that news got me off the hook, and I still didn’t tell them what I was planning to do. But time was growing short and I needed to withdraw from the university, get my transcripts in order and check on getting into Berkeley with my scholarship intact.
Later, as Uncle Sean and Hank and me and the kid were getting ready to leave, Mama wanted to know exactly when Lance would be arriving. “And don’t keep him all to yourself, either, Will. He needs to spend some time with us. You can spend a few nights with us, can’t you?”
“Sure, Mama.”
“If you need the room, son,” Ernie said (and I didn’t mind him calling me ‘son’ at all), “you two are welcome to stay over with me. I’ve got a big old house with lots of room.”
I appreciated Ernie’s offer, but knew we wouldn’t be taking him up on it, though I did hope that Lance could meet him. He would be happy for Mama, as well.
Chapter Sixteen:
A Turn in the Weather
I can remember watching cartoons as a kid, and one that always intrigued me was where one of the characters would get caught in a snowball rolling down hill, gaining bulk and momentum as it rolled, faster and faster, until it was a massive ball of ice with the little legs of the cartoon character sticking out, and when it hit a house or building, everything just exploded. It was that way with the end of my first year in college. Finals were coming up. I had unfinished work in the geology lab. I still had to negotiate the sea of paperwork with the registrar’s office, contact UC Berkeley, and keep my secret about planning to move out and go back to San Francisco with Lance. So even the surreptitious packing of my books and things into boxes was a challenge.
And one evening when I thought Uncle Sean and Hank were in the living room watching TV and snuggling now that the kid was in bed, I was surprised and a little embarrassed when I looked up and Uncle Sean was leaning against the door frame watching me pack some of my clothing into boxes.
He smiled oddly. “If I didn’t know better, Will, I’d say you were planning to make a getaway.”
I didn’t want to lie, but I wasn’t ready to tell him what I was really doing, either. I went for the truth.
“I can’t stand it anymore, Uncle Sean,” I said, at first alarming him. “I mean not being with Lance. So I’m going back with him when he returns to school in January. I thought I could make it for two years, but I can’t.”
He didn’t move, and he was still smiling oddly. At that moment he was beautiful. I hadn’t taken much notice of that lately, but with his time with Hank working miracles on his outlook, the outer beauty and the inner happiness came together to give his cornflower blue eyes and his whole face a happy radiance. So I was standing there half turned with a stack of T-shirts in my hands. I stuffed them into the box on the dresser.
“I understand, Will,” he said, then launched himself away from the door frame and came up to me. He held out his arms and I walked into his hug. “And to tell you the truth, I was wondering how you could go this long without going crazy.”
“You mean it didn’t show?” I said into his shoulder. We pulled away and he looked me square in the eye, smiling.
“I could tell you were unhappy much of the time, and I figured you were missing Lance. But I never thought it was getting this serious. So your decision doesn’t come as a big surprise. I’m just kind of disappointed you didn’t tell me sooner.”
“I didn’t mean to disappoint you, Uncle Sean.”
“I know that. But no more stalling. We need to tell Hank and Arlene and the girls, too.”
“Not yet,” I said. “I mean sure we can tell Hank, and break it to the kid.”
“Yes, he’s going to be sad and confused.”
“Hank?”
Uncle Sean shook his head. “No, Hank will be fine with it. He’s told me several times he doesn’t see why you and Lance ever separated. I mean Hanky-Hank.”
“I will.” And even as I said it, I regretted leaving Hanky-Hank. I wanted to see him grow up.
“You need to tell you mother and the girls, too.”
“I’ll break it to them Christmas.”
Uncle Sean looked at me then, smiling sadly. “I’m going to miss you, too, Will. Maybe if it’s in your plans, when Lance finishes art school you and he can come right back here.”
It was my turn to smile sadly. “I’m going to miss all this, I said, glancing around and indicated with my eyes the rest of the apartment. “I’ll miss you most of all. But I’ll also miss Hank and the kid, and even school and Austin. If things were different, you know Lance and I would be right here.”
“But?”
I told him about Lance’s art agent and how she wanted him to go to Europe to study the masters. “He’s that kind of artist. He’s not into the modern art, but the serious old-fashioned kind.”
Uncle Sean smiled at my lack of knowledge. “There are many kinds of ‘old-fashioned’ art, Will. But I think I know what you mean. It will probably do you both a world of good to see London and Paris and some of the other great cities.”
We walked together back into the living room and Hank was sitting there reading. He looked up when we came in.
“Is everything all right?” he asked, looking from Uncle Sean to me and back again.
I told him what I was planning to do and he smiled without a hint of sadness. “It’s not my place to offer an opinion, Will, but I couldn’t see why you were here in the first place. Not that I haven’t enjoyed getting to know you. But...do you know what I mean?”
I did and said so. Hank was so deliriously happy to finally have a man for a mate, after so many years of what he called ‘living a lie,’ that he had often asked me how I was holding up without Lance. “It means you and Uncle Sean and Hanky-Hank will have more room.”
Hank just nodded. Then he stood up and gave me a hug.
A little later, I returned to my room and tidied it up. Since I didn’t have to worry about packing in secret any more, I could put it off for a while. I sat at my desk and took note of the number of days until Lance would leave San Francisco. I was surprised that it was just a little less than fourteen days.
* * *
Day 12.
In between finals, I visited the registrar’s office and other offices where my records were kept. I made a folder of my important papers, especially the records of my scholars
hip, and spent as much time with Charlie as I could.
Neither of us felt like spending time with the other gay guys we’d called friends, because both of us were feeling a little odd about how they looked at being gay. It was the same thing I had felt a glimmering of back in Animas with Casey and Dick. Even though they were kind of dating, when it came down to it, there was little between them to keep them together when Casey got in trouble and was thrown into jail. Charlie and I felt the same way about having husbands, and even though his first time out with Lee hadn’t been what he wanted and it ended quickly, he was still hoping to meet someone he could date and then be in a long-term relationship with. He wanted what I had. He wanted what Uncle Sean and Hank had, and so we excluded ourselves from the other guys for the rest of our time together at UT.
I still liked Lee and Tim and a few of the others, but I didn’t feel much in common with them, except for being gay, and I sure didn’t share their politics. What had been the promise of a great way to be ‘out’ and ‘proud’ by belonging to the GPA and marching in the gay pride parade had kind of soured on us, and neither Charlie nor I felt very committed to the group anymore.
Then one day as we were walking across campus near the end of the day, Charlie pulled his jacket tighter around him. “Damn it’s cold!”
“Yeah...it is, Charlie. Astute of you to notice.”
He stopped and I stopped and he looked at me with a dumb-founded expression on his face, like he couldn’t believe I didn’t get what he meant.
“This is Austin. It’s not even winter yet. It’s not supposed to be this cold. I think we’re in for some bad weather.” He looked toward the sky and so did I. The clouds were racing in from the north, and when I looked up I shivered at the dull gray.
“Well, how bad can it get? I got here last January and I thought it was pretty mild.”
“It’s going to be worse this year, Will. I can tell.”
* * *
Day 6.
Charlie was right about the weather. We’d been having cold winds usually from the north all week, and I was getting kind of antsy about it. I had begun watching the weather. Mainly trying to see how the weather was north of us, because it was Lance’s plan to catch Interstate 40 and to travel due east until he got to North Texas, and then to cut down through Denton and head south. We figured that would be the quickest route.
But there had already been snow in Colorado and in northern New Mexico, all the way down to Albuquerque, where I-40 headed east.
So Lance and I were on the phone often.
It was now the seventeenth of December and I was getting worried. So I called him and suggested that he drop down into New Mexico the way I had on Interstate 10 and to pass through Lordsburg, then continue on I-10 through West Texas and to take Highway 290 east before I-10 turned south toward San Antonio.
“It’ll take a little longer, but at least you’ll avoid all that nasty snow.”
* * *
Day 1, December 22, 1974
So Lance called in the afternoon of the 22nd. He had left San Francisco around one that morning, getting off a little later than he had planned, he said, and he was calling me from Phoenix, in the very same truck stop where we had stopped in January. He said he wanted to keep driving, and his voice was full of laughter. I was teary-eyed just because I imagined him finally on his way, but I didn’t let on, because I didn’t want him to worry about anything on his trip, just to concentrate on getting here. So I told him he should drive a while longer and spend the night in Lordsburg.
I was staying at Mama’s house, since we had all been talking about how difficult it might be for Lance to get through Austin and figured he could just turn off when he saw the sign for Dripping Springs and we’d all be waiting here, so before I hung up I made sure Lance knew to watch for signs for Dripping Springs before he got into Austin.
“I will, Angel. I figured you’d be there. I bet the house is beautiful from all the pictures I’ve seen.”
“Good. Then call Mama’s from here on. We’ll all be waiting for you here.”
So we were—all of us. Uncle Sean, Hank, the kid, Mama and the girls, Ernie, and the biggest surprise of all, my sister May and her lover Kelsey Snow, but I didn’t tell Lance about them because I wanted him to be surprised. May and Kelsey had decided to surprise Mama with a Christmas visit, and they had pulled in to Mama’s on the twentieth. And so, we sat around visiting and wrapping presents, and eating too many sweets, and laughing about old times and new news. Waiting for Lance to arrive was like anticipating the coming of Santa Claus. I tried to relax, knowing that he was going to make it, though I didn’t know if it would be in the next sixteen or twenty-four hours. May and Kelsey had said that they had run into patches of snow, hard-blowing wind, and even some ice on their way here. Still, it was neat knowing that Lance had so many people who loved him, waiting for him as I said with the same anticipation a kid waits for Christmas morning to see what Santa has brought.
Trinket had shown me what Mama and she and Rita had gotten for Lance, and May and Kelsey had bought gifts for everyone, including Lance. May got teary-eyed when she showed me what she and Kelsey had for him. It wasn’t the gift so much as it was knowing that she was going to see him again. Back home in New Mexico, she and Lance had a special kind of love for each other, and I remembered how she had been so helpful to both of us, even while she laughed at our intensity with each other.
As early night came on and it turned colder, Mama lit the fireplace and made hot apple cider, filling the house with a cozy aroma.
The house was beautifully decorated with our old Christmas wreaths and tinsel, the old bubbly lights we used to hang on the tree, real evergreen branches over the fireplace in the living room, and the Christmas tree in front of the French windows that looked out on a snow covered driveway. Mama and Ernie had gone all out, and he had brought over his own decorations and added them to the mix. There were lights lining the eaves, lights outlining the windows, lights in the tree and over some of the doorways, mistletoe which, when two of us met beneath it was call for a hug or a mutual peck on the cheek. And with the heat inside the house, the windows steamed up and added to the feel of being inside on a cozy winter night. But my mind wandered out over the vast state of Texas, out to the west and into New Mexico, knowing that Lance was probably driving or getting a few hours sleep in some lonely out-of-the-way place.
Still later that evening, the weather turned, again, and a misty rain began to fall, which turned colder and colder, and I kept going out to the porch and watching the sky. By midnight of the twenty-second, going into the twenty-third, Lance had been on the road for almost twenty four hours, and my worst fears had been realized. The news said an ice-storm was moving into Texas from the north, and I hung onto any of the radio reports I could find about road closures. Lance had Mama’s telephone number, but other than the afternoon of the day before, we hadn’t heard from him.
I had maps spread out on Trinket’s bed in her bedroom, which was where Lance and I would sleep when he arrived. Oddly, May and Kelsey had agreed to Ernie’s invitation to stay with him. It was even more surprising to me that Ernie had invited them. But everybody was still at Mama’s. We were all worried. Everybody but me was down in the living room talking or working on projects for Christmas morning, writing cards, sharing the convergence of four families’ histories, including ours, Hank’s, Kelsey’s, and Ernie’s. I had marked off places on the maps of California, Arizona, New Mexico, and West Texas, trying to figure out where Lance might be at any given time. But listening to the reports of the massive ice-storm that had begun to grip Texas and Oklahoma, I was losing the ability to figure very accurately, no telling how slowly he was having to drive.
Maybe he spent the night in Lordsburg. That would have been tonight. But he hadn’t called. Or maybe, as I had done, he just kept on driving. But I had no way of knowing. I was frustrated, because I didn’t know what the weather was like there.
We heard nothing tha
t evening, and so everybody went on to bed.
Then I walked outside around two that morning. May and Kelsey had gone to Ernie’s, and I felt badly that I hadn’t visited with them as much as I should have. But May had hugged me on the front porch when we were seeing them off. She was a little more wiry than she had been just a year before and I figured she was getting plenty of work on the Snow ranch, but she looked happy and smiled her freckled smile at me. “We’ll see you in the morning, honey. He’ll be all right, you know. Then we can visit proper-like.” Then she laughed and Kelsey hugged me. “May says you’re crazy about Lance and always have been. I just kind of think you’re plain crazy, Will. But Lance will be all right. You can’t drive for him, so you should try to get some sleep.”
Of course I couldn’t. Of course I told Kelsey she was right and I would go to bed straight away.
And of course I didn’t. Besides, the only place I had was the couch. Trinket and Rita were sleeping together in Rita’s room and Hank and Uncle Sean and little Hank were up in Trinket’s room, since they had decided it wasn’t a good idea for them to be driving on the ice-covered roads, either.
I stayed by the phone in the living room and had even put on another pot of coffee to hold vigil, though I did strip down, except for my robe and thought if I fell asleep, fine. If I didn’t, fine.
Around four in the morning I stepped out onto the porch again, this time barefoot and in my robe. Everything was silent. The misty rain had actually melted the snow and in its place the ground was glazed with ice. The trees were shiny and, under the full moon, which occasionally peeked out from the clouds, I could see that the ice covered everything, including the barn, where icicles had begun to form. In a way it was beautiful, as if everything was made of glass. The misty rain hissed softly as it fell, and I could imagine that by morning it would have formed layer upon layer of ice. Driving in this would be treacherous.
All Over Him Page 18
