by Geri Krotow
“I wasn’t that terrible. I was only four!”
“I was Olympic-level right from age three.” Uncle Evan leaned in to prod her.
“No, you were five, I was three.” Eddie pointed his fork at Evan. The tines were a little too close to her eyes.
“Uncle Evan and Uncle Eddie, you’re both nuts.” But she couldn’t keep the smile off her face. She loved her uncles. Even if she felt really stupid about “Uncle” Max right now.
“Listen, kid, don’t worry about all that stuff with your mom, grandma and Uncle Max. Things work out in ways we never expect.” Grandpa Hugh smiled and gave her a wink once she looked at him fully.
“Yes, I’m sorry if I upset you with my reaction, dear. It’s…a surprise to me, that’s all.” Grandma wanted to be part of making her feel better. Krista loved them all.
Eddie and Evan exchanged a look and she squirmed. She still hated that everyone knew her business.
* * *
“THANKS FOR HAVING my back, sis.” Winnie taped up the sides of Maeve’s diaper and lifted her onto her feet. She’d changed her on the bed while Robyn was in the guest room bath, coaxing Brendan to use the toilet.
“No problem.” Robyn spoke from the bathroom as Winnie stood up.
“Grommmeeee!” Maeve squealed.
“Don’t you want a nap?”
“No.”
“Okay, we’ll go back. Just a minute.”
Brendan ran into the bedroom, making faces at Maeve. She let out her deep belly laugh. This only egged Brendan on, and he continued to behave like a vaudeville clown. As long as his little baby cousin was chuckling, he was ready to perform.
“Don’t think for one minute that I support you, though.” Robyn’s soft voice disguised the exasperation and anger that Winnie suspected lay just beneath her serene facade.
“What? You’re the only one who’s supported me through all of this!”
“Not true, Win. The whole family has supported you, including Krista. They just didn’t know what exactly they were supporting.”
“But you of all people understand—”
“I understand your motives, yes, but I’ve told you over and over that you need to come clean about all of it. Your guilt and fear have poisoned your relationship with Max. Maeve’s relationship with him, too. It’ll probably work out, but he’s missed the better part of her first two years. Krista would have benefited from seeing Max, too, you know. She needs to see a man be a father and know that not all dads die or leave.”
Robyn waved her right hand. “You can’t keep expecting people to be there for you when you do the most self-destructive things, Win.”
“What the hell are you talking about? You make it sound as if I had a choice about Tom’s dying.”
“Enough about Tom’s death! He’s been gone for over five years, sis. Five years. Krista’s memories of him are happy but they’re from when she was a little girl. Maeve will never know him. You need to focus on who’s here now so that you can make a life for today.”
Winnie stared at Robyn. Robyn’s curly hair, so much like her own, was in complete disarray, a fuzzy frame around her heart-shaped face. Her eyes were wild, the look of a woman who hadn’t slept in weeks.
“Were you up last night?”
“Of course I was up last night. Brendan has started to have night terrors.”
“Ouch.” Winnie thought back to when Krista had them—she’d been four or five, just a bit older than Brendan. Tom had been deployed on the aircraft carrier most of the scary nights and Winnie never forgot how Krista’s screams had wakened her night after night.
“‘Ouch’ is right, but this too shall pass. How old was Krista when hers stopped?”
“Oh, I don’t think it lasted that long, maybe six months on and off?” That time was a blur to her nine years later.
“Good. But back to the real issue, Winnie. What are you going to do about Max?”
“Why are you stuck on this? I’m not doing anything except what I should’ve done sooner. I’m supporting him as Maeve’s father.”
“And Krista’s uncle, coach and godfather.” Robyn didn’t relent and Winnie remembered why she’d hesitated to tell Robyn about Max in the beginning. Robyn never allowed any wiggle room for white lies or avoidance.
“Yes, yes. Can we move on?”
“I hope you do move on, Winnie. There’s a lot more to life than work and the girls, no matter how much you love both.” Robyn took Maeve from Winnie’s arms.
“Are you a sleepy baby?” Maeve leaned her head on her aunt’s shoulder and did a long, slow blink. She’d be asleep in seconds, despite her insistence on not napping.
“You’ve got to give Mom and the boys time to absorb everything.”
Tears burned Winnie’s lids and she wished she was alone so she could release the sobs—and the pent-up frustration and anxiety she’d been holding inside.
Instead, she wiped her eyes and looked at her sister. “Well, that’s that. They know. I’ll never be able to thank you enough for keeping my secret all this time. Even though you didn’t agree.”
“You’d do the same for me.” Robyn turned to leave the room. “C’mon, Brendan, do you want a cupcake? Grandma made your favorite kind.”
“Chocolate with vanilla icing and sprinkles!” Brendan recited his beloved cupcake ingredients with a hopeful expression. “I can count to twenty, Mommy.”
“You’re such a smart boy. Where did you learn to count all the way up to twenty?”
“On the side of the house. I painted the numbers so I’d ’member them.”
Robyn’s eyes widened. “You painted the side of the house?”
“Uh-huh. Grammy said I could.”
“Was Grammy with you when you did this?”
“No, she went inside to put on her play clothes.”
“Was Daddy with you?”
“No, you and Daddy were in the car.”
“Hmm.” Robyn stared at her son for a moment, then turned back to Winnie with a questioning look.
“What’s that about?”
“I have no idea but I’m sure we’ll find out.” Robyn sighed. “Anyhow, I’d think you’d be relieved that you don’t have to keep your guard up anymore. And, Win, Max seems to want to be with you and the girls. Why are you fighting it?”
“Correction—Max wants to be with the girls. Especially Maeve.” Even as she said it, she knew that wasn’t fair. Max hadn’t shown favoritism to either girl; he’d acted as if he’d found out he had two daughters, not one.
He’ll never forgive you.
“Winnie, trust me. There are ways Max could get to know Maeve better without involving you and Krista so completely. He’s interested in getting to know you again, too.”
“You can’t assume that when you haven’t even seen him, Robyn. You’re just putting your rosy spin on things, as usual.”
“Not rosy, Win, practical. You’re obviously still hot for the guy or you wouldn’t be so damned defensive. He wants a chance to see how things could work, so why not let go for once and see what happens?”
“I don’t need a man in my life, Robyn.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. Your girls need him, therefore you need him. It’s not just about you anymore.”
Where had she heard that before? “Nice try, sis, but you don’t understand. Max wants to know the girls. Me, not so much. I’m the one that betrayed him, remember? Plus, we have too much history between us. How could we look at each other without all of that getting in the way? And he’s going to keep flying after the Navy. I’m never getting involved with a Navy man or a pilot again. It’s hard enough to let the girls become close to him but I don’t have to do the same.”
“You had a choice, Winnie. You didn’t have to take Max on as a client. You didn’t have to leave Sam there—all weekend. You didn’t have to tell him about Maeve right away. You could have continued to avoid him—and put off his discovery of Maeve for quite a while. Whidbey’s a big island, even on the
base. It’s easy not to see someone unless you really want to.”
Winnie stayed silent. It was the only defense against Robyn when she was on a tear.
“Get real, Winnie. No one forced you to have sex with him.”
Winnie sighed. “And your point is?”
“My point, sis, is that you want to let Max back in. Even if you can’t admit it to me yet, admit it to yourself. You have ulterior motives. Why else would you risk the security and peaceful life you claim you’ve built for you and the girls? All in one day?”
Winnie was spared having to provide an answer. Barbara’s shriek outside the guest-room window cut through the intensity between her and Robyn.
They both hurried to the window, and Winnie pulled back the sheers and cracked open the window.
Barbara stood outside with Maeve on her hip, one hand over her mouth—staring at a wavering row of crudely drawn numbers.
“I told him he could do his finger painting later,” she said. “But I guess he misunderstood…” Apparently Grandma hadn’t approved of Brendan’s self-teaching plans, after all.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“IT’S NOT A BIG deal, Mom. As long as you’ll keep Maeve happy, Krista and I will take care of this.”
Winnie had put on one of her father’s work jumpsuits and stood next to Krista. A large bucket of white paint and two large paintbrushes sat between them on the tarp they’d spread on the grass.
“We owe you, and Brendan knows it.” Robyn looked down at Brendan with reproach.
“I like to paint, Mommy. And I like numbers.”
“Yes, but you’re not supposed to paint them on walls or the sides of buildings.” Robyn’s initial anger had faded once she saw the huge tears in Brendan’s eyes.
“The men are lucky to get out of this.” Barbara held Maeve and they both giggled. The energy between grandmother and granddaughter was magical and Winnie never tired of watching it.
“Hard to believe there’s a hockey game today, in this weather.” It was a warm spring day, unusual for Anacortes. Spring was usually a combination of sun and clouds but always with a brisk cold breeze. The temperature had climbed into the low sixties.
“It’s the play-offs.” The guys had left immediately after brunch to go to Vancouver, Canada, for an evening game. The brothers were rarely home individually, let alone together, and it was male-bonding time. Doug had given Robyn a lingering kiss before he left with them, and Winnie felt a pang of wanting that for herself again.
Was Robyn right? Did she, despite her protestations, want to be with Max?
She needed to stay away from her family’s Sunday meals for a few weeks if she wanted to keep her sanity.
“We’ve got it, Mom. You can put Maeve down for her nap if you want.” Barbara hesitated; Winnie knew Mom desperately wanted to ask for details of Maeve’s birth and Winnie’s relationship with Max.
“Yeah, Mom. I’m going to take Brendan home now. Why don’t you lie down when Maeve does?”
“Oh, no. I’ll be right out to help you, Winnie.”
“Mom, you have to stay inside so you’ll hear her if she wakes up.”
And I want to be alone with Krista.
Krista had remained silent throughout the conversation. She attacked the red numbers with gusto and splattered globs of white paint on her and Winnie.
“Whoa, girl, careful with that weapon you’re packing!” Winnie tried to force a smile.
Krista didn’t react.
Winnie met Robyn’s gaze.
Help me. Get Mom out of here.
“Mom, let’s go back in. I have to ask you something.”
Finally Barb got the hint and turned back to the house with Robyn. She paused and looked over her shoulder, frowning. “Call if you gals need me.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Thanks, Grammy.”
Once Winnie was sure they were out of earshot she took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry about today, Krista. This is not your fault. Or your problem.”
Krista kept stroking her brush back and forth, up and down. When they’d covered the numbers, the whole wall would have to be repainted.
“Actually, it is my problem, Mom. Maeve isn’t the only kid in this family.” Her tone was acid but Winnie didn’t miss the trembling in her voice. Her heart ached for Krista but Krista wasn’t a little girl anymore. Her hurts couldn’t be hugged away so readily.
“I know, sweetheart. I should have told you sooner about Uncle Max, maybe even right after, um, I found out I was pregnant.”
“Yeah, you should have. Instead of all that bullshit about ‘it’s someone you know but I can’t tell you who it is yet.’”
“Watch your language. Your sister is a miracle—and so are you. I told you that when the time was right, we’d talk about Maeve’s father. The time didn’t come along until this week.”
“I’ve missed Uncle Max. I’m glad he’s back.”
Here it was. Krista’s real concern.
Winnie nodded. “Well, now we all know, and we’re going to be spending a lot of time together. I don’t want you to get your hopes up, Krista. I mean, um…” She focused on the swath of wood siding where the paint had dripped after Brendan painted 17.
“You didn’t want me to think we were going to have a new dad. I’m not a baby, Mom. I know you had sex with Uncle Max. It doesn’t mean you have to marry him. But you did let him kiss you in the kitchen that night.”
A jolt went through Winnie and she dropped her brush. Where had Krista gotten such an attitude? Did she really understand what she was saying?
“It’s best if a baby can be brought into a loving home with two parents,” she said calmly, picking up her paintbrush. “Like you were. I’ve felt bad about you and Maeve not having a dad around, but not bad enough to find a man just for the sake of it.” Krista was entitled to honesty.
“Or woman. Joanna’s parents are two moms.”
“Yes, they are, and that’s fine, but I like men. So for me, for our family, it would be a man.” Winnie’s hand shook as she continued to paint even where it wasn’t needed. She’d always been candid with Krista about sexuality and the facts of life, but it hadn’t really hit her yet that her daughter was on the verge of becoming a young woman. She had an open mind and heart, qualities that Winnie admired and espoused—even if they weren’t so easy for her at the moment.
“So why didn’t you marry Uncle Max when you had Maeve?”
Here was the difference between a thirteen-year-old and a young woman. As much as Krista’s brain knew that sex wasn’t a prerequisite for marriage, her heart still longed for the full picture. The family she’d had before.
“Well, as I said, it wasn’t time to bring a man into our lives. It was still too soon after your dad’s death.”
“It was over three years after he died, wasn’t it?” Krista had always been good at math.
“Yes. But, honey, three years isn’t very long. It sounds like ages to you now, but it can feel like the blink of an eye. I was gaining momentum with my career and you were doing great in the new school.”
Winnie paused and stared away from the bright white side of the house, toward the water that lay just past the tree line on the edge of her parents’ property.
“Life’s complicated, honey. Adults don’t deal with change as easily as you do when you’re younger. I know you miss Daddy and you’d bring him back if you could, but I also know you don’t have as big a hole in your heart anymore. You told me so last year.”
“Yeah, but having Uncle Max around has made me realize how much I miss having a dad.”
Breathe. Breathe again.
She tried to relax. She felt Krista’s emotional punch physically, as if she’d been hit in the stomach. But Krista deserved to be heard and there was no right or wrong about her wishes. They were just the desires of a daughter who’d spent most of her childhood with her mother and was keenly aware of the loss of her father.
“I’m so glad you’re enjoying your time
with Uncle Max, honey. And it’s important for Maeve to know her father. I’ll never get in the way of that with either of you.”
She put down her brush and looked at Krista. “You need to understand that it’s not an automatic given that we’ll all get along. Uncle Max and I will always be dear friends, but we’re two very different people. We’ve both been through a lot. I lost my husband and, he, well, you know he was in the war, right?”
“Yeah, he told me he has DTSP.”
Winnie’s lips twitched. “Uh, that’s PTSD.” She paused, watching Krista for any sign that this was too much information for one day. When she saw nothing to indicate an overload, she pressed on.
“Yes, Uncle Max has some injuries to work through. He’s done well recovering from the shrapnel wounds and he’s physically strong again. He just needs more time for his brain to heal from the shock of everything he saw and experienced.”
“He said it’s like when you go to a rock concert or listen to your MP3 player really loud. When you can’t get the songs out of your head. But his songs are a lot quieter now, he said, and most days he doesn’t hear them anymore.”
Leave it to Max to put something so complex into terms a teen could comprehend.
“Yes, and he’s working with Sam to help him get rid of the remaining ‘noise.’”
They’d finished painting over Brendan’s numbers and Krista became quiet. A bee buzzed near the rhododendron bush next to them, and its hum seemed to loosen the tense knot in Winnie’s neck.
“I’m really sorry, Krista. I love you so much and I never wanted to hurt your feelings. You know that, don’t you?”
Krista nodded, her gaze lowered. Winnie took in the dejected expression on Krista’s face.
“Come here, honey.”
Krista stepped forward and Winnie hugged her tight. She’d already messed up by not telling Krista more about Maeve from the start. She didn’t want to risk losing her because of anything as stupid as her own stubbornness.
Krista hugged her back, and that made up for every swearword uttered by her eldest daughter.
