by Geri Krotow
He’d promised her he’d be her friend. That he didn’t need more.
But his desire had ruined his plan to set the foundation for their partnership as parents.
He glanced over his shoulder to check that Winnie was keeping up with him. For the first time in ages he wasn’t in any physical pain as he forged ahead on the wild path before them. For once he had energy to spare.
Energy that he’d rather have spent making love to Winnie.
* * *
THE FIRST FEW MILES of their ride back to Coupeville were quiet. Winnie was both horrified that she’d been so needy with Max and humiliated that she’d practically begged his forgiveness.
She didn’t deserve anybody’s forgiveness, least of all Max’s. Not after the way she’d betrayed him. She might tell herself that they should forget the past, focus on the future. But she wasn’t convinced it was possible.
And if he’d continued to kiss her, had resisted her request to stop, they’d still be out there on that cliff, lying in each other’s arms.
“Max, we have to make this work. For Krista and for Maeve.”
“We are, Winnie. Not as smoothly as I hoped, but trust me, we will make it work no matter what. They need me, and I need them.”
As always, she warmed at his use of “they.” He accepted Krista and Maeve as his daughters, his to love. She also noted that he didn’t include her, which was a good thing, right?
“After today we won’t be tempted to do anything so stupid.” She waited for his response, certain that he’d agree.
Max said nothing.
They entered her driveway and he idled the truck engine.
“Do you want to come in and see the girls? Maeve is probably down for her nap but she’ll be up soon, and you could visit with Krista.”
His face looked set in stone but his eyes revealed an inner torment she couldn’t identify.
“Not now, Winnie. I need some time to regroup. Tell them I’ll see them at soccer.” He placed his wrist on top of the steering wheel and stared out the windshield. “I’ll see you sooner, with Sam?”
“Yes, on Tuesday.” Opening the door, she stepped down from the truck. “Thanks for lunch, Max.”
“You’re welcome.”
She shut the door. He backed down the drive but didn’t look at her again as he maneuvered the truck onto the road.
Winnie didn’t realize there were tears pouring down her cheeks until he was out of sight.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“KRISTA, YOUR UNCLE Max is here,” Mom shouted up the stairs. Krista yanked her sweatshirt over her head.
“Coming.” Uncle Max was taking her and Maeve out for a Saturday-afternoon treat. It’d been a month since Uncle Max and Mom went on their lunch hike and they’d seen a lot of him on their own. Mom seemed to trust him, and Krista loved it. But it might be even more fun if all four of them did things together every now and then.
Krista didn’t get it. Uncle Max was around almost every day, and Mom seemed happier. They’d all adjusted to the fact that “Uncle” Max was also “Daddy” to Maeve. But there wasn’t anything going on between Mom and Uncle Max and that puzzled her. As much as it grossed her out, didn’t grown-ups need to be together, alone? Didn’t Mom and Uncle Max even think about being a family?
“C’mon, Krista. Do you have your shin guards?”
“Yup.” She hoisted her backpack higher. “Bye, Mom.”
“Bye, sweetie. Maeve, be good.” Mom kissed Maeve on the cheek before she handed her over to Uncle Max. He’d bought a car seat so they wouldn’t have to switch the one from Mom’s car all the time.
“Great. Let’s go, baby girl.” He hugged Maeve to him. “We’ll be back later this afternoon.”
“Oh, I thought I’d take Sam for a good run on the beach. I can meet you at the soccer fields down there in a couple of hours.”
Mom had that stupid fake smile on her face again. Maybe there was something between them, after all, but not the way Krista had hoped. She’d hoped for a family, a family with a dad.
With Uncle Max.
Uncle Max was taking her and Maeve to City Beach. He was going to kick around the soccer ball with her and then they’d go to the playground so Maeve could have fun, too.
Once they got to the park, they ran all over the soccer fields. There were a few other families out there since it was Saturday. Krista hated the way the wind whipped her breath away but loved how much better she’d learned to control the ball since Uncle Max had been working with her as her coach. But she really liked being one-on-one with him, too. They talked about everything, not just soccer.
He jogged up to her, Maeve at his heels.
“Wheeee!” Her tiny giggle made Krista laugh. And a little jealous. She’d loved her dad and would never forget him, but being able to call Uncle Max “Dad” would be neat, too.
“What’s got you in such a funk, Krista girl?” Uncle Max tugged at her ponytail. She felt safe and protected when he was beside her.
“Nothing.”
“I can see it on your face, honey. Something’s eating at you.”
“Come here, Maeve.” Krista didn’t answer as she bent over to pick up her baby sister. Maeve immediately wriggled, asking to be put back down.
“She wants to run, don’t you, pumpkin?” Uncle Max took her from Krista and set Maeve on his shoulders. “Let Daddy help you get there, and then you can run all you like.”
“Uncle Max, do you think we could all go camping together, you know, with Mom, too?”
Uh-oh. Uncle Max looked way too serious.
“I’m not sure,” he said cautiously. “We can ask her and see what happens. It’s tough to get all our schedules synchronized.”
Krista stayed silent.
“You didn’t answer my original question, Krista.” They’d drawn even with the playground and had a bit more of a walk before they reached the soccer fields.
“I don’t want to ruin what we already have, Uncle Max,” she finally said. “But I’d really like it if you were my dad, too.”
Uncle Max stopped and stared at her. Krista didn’t like the feeling in her stomach, so she shifted her gaze to the water. She’d blown it, and now she’d scared Uncle Max off.
She snuck a glance at his face and couldn’t read it. He was looking out at the water, too. Even Maeve was quiet as she sat on his shoulders and played with Uncle Max’s short hair.
Krista wanted to cry.
* * *
MAX’S CHEST ACHED FROM trying to take large gulps of air without letting Krista or Maeve see his distress.
Winnie is going to kill you.
No kidding. Winnie had spent the better part of their hike making it “clear,” as she said, that their relationship wasn’t going to be anything but a friendship. She didn’t want any false hint to the girls that he and Winnie were ever going to be more than coparents.
Krista couldn’t hide her disappointment at his lack of response. Max groaned.
“Honey, you’ve given me the biggest compliment ever. Your dad was a great man and the fact that you even think of me in the same way fills my heart with so much happiness.”
He watched Krista’s expression carefully. He didn’t have a lot of experience with kids. None, in fact. Other than playing with Krista when she was still a toddler and for a few months after Tom died.
But Max knew he had to honor the commitment he’d made to Tom. To be there for him no matter what. Since Tom was gone, he’d be there for Krista. And he’d be damned if he was going to do anything to hurt her.
“Maeve’s my biological daughter, yes. Ouch!” Maeve’s fingers pulled his hair. Krista didn’t even smile.
“But I’ve known you since you were born, Krista. I made a big mistake when I didn’t keep in touch with you, especially over the past few years. But I’m here for you now. I want you to always feel comfortable with me.”
A single tear fell from Krista’s left eye. The sight of it was more painful than any of the shrapnel th
at remained in his body.
“Aw, honey, come here.” He lowered Maeve from his shoulders onto his hip and pulled Krista close with his free arm. Maeve’s attention was on an errant seagull that ran back and forth in front of them, squawking.
“Bird, bird!” Maeve seemed oblivious to the angst her older sister was going through.
“Krista, I never want to hurt you. What have I done?” He kissed the top of her head.
She sniffed, and he wished she wasn’t so stiff and tense, resisting his hug. But she didn’t step out of it, either.
“It’s not you, Uncle Max. It’s me. I want a full family for us, with a dad. I think Mom’s happy around you and I don’t get why she won’t let her control-freak self go, so we can all be happy together.”
“Wait a minute, gal.” He leaned back and raised her chin so he could meet her eyes. “Your mom loves you and Maeve more than herself. You’re her life. She’s not going to do anything she feels could put either of you at risk, emotionally or physically. You understand that, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but—”
“No buts, Krista. Your well-being is your mom’s number-one driving factor. If it wasn’t, you could be living a very different life.” He couldn’t tell Krista, who was fairly sheltered, about the single parents he’d seen go the other way—sleeping around, bringing home stranger after stranger, exposing their children to God knows what kind of partner and situation. For a very brief time, Winnie had almost gone that way. She was human like anyone else, she’d been grieving and desperate, but she’d made the choice to put her girls first.
“Just because Mom doesn’t sleep around doesn’t mean our well-being is number one for her.”
“Krista! I never want to hear you put your mother down like that again. Let’s chalk it up to the emotions of the moment, okay?”
When Krista didn’t respond but stared resolutely at the gravel path, Max gently squeezed her shoulder. “Okay, Krista?”
“Yeah, okay.” She wiped her nose with the sleeve of her hoodie. “Now you think I’m a complete jerk.”
“Honey, never.” He kissed her forehead. Her hair smelled like strawberries and girl sweat. How could he have let himself miss so much time in her life? He was her godfather, and her father had died. Guilt sank a nasty claw in his gut.
“I want Mom to be happy, too, Uncle Max. I just don’t know if she even knows what makes her happy.”
Max forced back a smile. He’d thought the same thing.
“Tell you what, Krista. Let’s not worry about the details, but keep enjoying our time, together. You and Maeve are the most important people in my life.”
He didn’t add that Winnie fell in there with them. He couldn’t. He had to be honest but use discretion with Krista. She was a kid.
“C’mon, little gal. Let’s go play!” He jogged with Maeve in his arms and Krista ran alongside them toward the soccer field.
* * *
“SAM, STOP IT.” WINNIE jerked on his leash and Sam got the message. He stopped trying to drag her over to the beach.
He’d spotted Max and the girls sooner than she had and was relentless in his quest to join them on the rocky sand. She should have stayed home a bit longer but the weather was too nice.
Max and the girls looked so natural together on that beach. As though they’d been a family forever.
They have. No thanks to you.
Her eyes filled with tears. True, she’d readily agreed when Tom wanted Max to be Krista’s godfather. Her brothers would’ve been honored to be named, but they wouldn’t have appreciated it as much as Max. Nor did either of them know Tom as well as Max did.
Now she’d let Max into their circle, not just for Maeve but for Krista, too. It would be perfect if she and Max could work it out. But there was no “it” to work out. He’d seen her as Tom’s wife and could never see her as the woman she felt she was today—very different from what she’d been fifteen and five and even two years ago.
You’re not so different if you can’t accept the choice a man makes for his career.
Sam’s sharp bark jolted her from her thoughts. His tail wagged restlessly and he kept looking at the water, then at her.
“Okay, let’s go throw the ball and then if you want you can take a dip.” Sam loved the water as if he were more Labrador than German shepherd.
You’re just killing time until you can be with Max.
They hadn’t discussed their physical attraction for each other again, not since their hike almost a month ago. They’d fallen into a routine of short phone calls to plan his time with the girls. As much as possible, they didn’t do things together. Winnie told herself this was so she could have more time to herself as Max, among others, had suggested.
But nothing erased her body’s response to him or the fact that she felt most alive whenever she was near him. She wished she could get rid of her anxieties, but they were like Max’s PTSD—they’d never be completely gone. And she couldn’t, wouldn’t, bring another man into that with her. Hadn’t she hurt Tom enough with her fears and complaints?
* * *
MAX LOOKED UP AND WHEN their eyes met Winnie saw his unspoken apology.
“What?” she asked.
He shook his head and turned his attention back to the girls, who were up on the grassy fields.
“Is it okay to let Sam off leash or are you still doing soccer drills?” Sam sat ramrod straight. He knew he was moments from free play. His astuteness always astonished her. The experts said it was all about obedience training but she felt a deeper connection with Sam. Always had.
“Sure, go ahead. We’re wrapping up.” Max called out to Krista, “Do you think you can give me one more length of the field with the side dribble?”
“I’ll try.” Krista’s grin was a mile wide. She’d not only try, she’d excel. Her soccer talents had flourished under Max’s tutelage. Winnie didn’t doubt Max’s abilities as a coach but she also thought Krista pushed herself harder in order to impress him.
Why shouldn’t she?
Winnie leaned down and unfastened Sam’s leash. He immediately ran up to Max, greeted him, then raced after Krista. She laughed and shouted at him as he tried to take the ball away from her.
“I didn’t realize he was adept at athletic training, too.” Max stepped up beside her.
The heat of his body didn’t surprise her anymore, but that didn’t make it any less disconcerting.
“Do you ever wonder if we’re both missing out on something extraordinary, Winnie? Something between us?” he asked in a low voice.
She opened her mouth but no reply came. She bit her lip. “Max, we—we have an agreement,” she stuttered.
“Agreements can be renegotiated.”
“Really? Suddenly you’re not concerned about breaking your promise to Tom, breaking the Navy ‘code’?”
“I’m more concerned that it was so easy for you to keep Maeve from me. What else would you hide?”
Ouch.
“Even with that, I’d like to think I have an open mind. We’re building a friendship here, aren’t we? Couldn’t we eventually move beyond that?”
“You’re building a relationship with the girls, Max. Let’s just focus on that.”
He surprised her when his hands covered hers, clenched on her crossed arms.
“Can you just consider it, Win?”
She looked at him and wanted to give in, wanted to pretend the past no longer influenced the present—and, more important, that he wasn’t going to put them at risk every time he went up in his tiny aircraft.
“No, Max, I’m afraid I can’t.”
He gazed at her for a moment, then dropped his hands.
“Well, that’s that. I need to tell you what Krista and I talked about.”
“What happened?”
He pursed his lips and sighed. “First Krista asked if we could all go on a camping trip together. Then she said she’d love it if we were more than just four people hanging out. If we were…a family.�
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“She did?” Anxiety gripped her. She felt as though she was gasping for air. No, no, no! It was so not going to play out like this.
“Yeah, she did.”
“We’re the adults here, Max. We make the decisions.”
“It takes two of us to make ‘we,’ and you’re the only one throwing out the decisions.”
He stood a foot away and his hands remained at his sides but it felt as if he’d slapped her. Tears stung her eyes and she blinked.
“No one’s ever dared to tell you that maybe your way isn’t the only way, right, Win? With the occasional exception of Robyn, everyone’s too busy tiptoeing around you.”
“That’s not true!”
“Oh, but it is, babe.” He stepped closer, into her space, and Winnie had to fight to stay put. Her legs trembled and she wanted to take a step back.
No, you don’t. You want to grab him and kiss him right here on City Beach.
“I never asked for your opinion, Max.”
“You did the minute you let me back in your life, Win.”
“So now you’re attacking me for having integrity?”
“Hardly. This isn’t an attack, Winnie. You won’t accept any help or consider any other approach. It’s an observation. And judging by your reaction I hit it right, didn’t I?”
“Let’s remember who needed the help most recently, Max.” She watched his expression go from triumphant to shocked to completely guarded.
Winnie felt sick to her stomach. She’d never thrown anyone’s disability at him like that. And she’d been the one to volunteer to work with Sam and Max. He didn’t ask for her help.
“That’s what it’ll always go back to, is it?” The growl in his voice shook her out of her defensiveness and the remorse that ran through her made her shiver in the bright sun.
“Max.” She put her hand on his forearm. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Right.” His lips were set in Navy Commander mode.
“Mom, Sam’s going crazy!” Krista and Maeve were in front of them, winded from running.
“What?” Winnie had a hard time moving through the fog of pain she’d just imploded on herself and Max.
