"No. It's okay. He'll understand."
Glancing at my friend, I blinked my surprise. "Really."
"Sure. Yeah. He'll be fine."
"Okay. Um, thanks." I opened the car door and climbed out. I didn't plan to return to their home. It wouldn't feel right. So I entered my house and walked right past my mother, climbed the stairs two at a time to my bedroom, and once inside, I flopped down hard on my bed, and I cried.
*****
The following month I avoided all of my crazy friends. I went to school every day and stayed home on the weekends. I prayed each night before bed that my period would come. When it finally arrived, I nearly fell apart and sobbed with relief. I couldn't chance that scare again. I needed to get on the pill.
My father sat at the dining room table eating eggs and bacon the morning I finally got up the nerve to ask him for help. Not used to seeing him at home on a Saturday morning, I asked, "Why are you here?"
Dad offered me a wry grin and asked, "Do you want me to leave?"
Shaking my head, I sat at the table beside him and said, "I need to go to the Family Planning clinic downtown. I hear they can give out free prescriptions for the pill, and I need it. My cramps keep getting worse and they're so wicked painful I can't stand it anymore." I clutched my abdomen to emphasize that point.
My father stared at me a moment and said, "I'll take you today if they're open."
"I think so. Let me check." I proceeded to look up the clinic information in the Yellow Pages with trembling hands. My father was actually agreeing to take me to get on the pill? Unbelievable. But I appreciated it. Hopefully he wouldn't figure out there was another reason for my sudden need.
Thankfully, the hours were posted in the ad in the phone book. They were open on Saturdays from noon to five. "They open at noon. Is that time going to work?"
"I'm off today, so yes, after lunch we'll head downtown. Okay?"
"Sure." I licked my lips and entered the kitchen. My mom slaved over the stove as usual. "Can I have some breakfast too?"
"Of course." My mother studied me a moment as she handed me a plate of food.
I avoided her gaze and received it. "Thanks."
After devouring my breakfast, I went up to my room and changed my clothes. My dad was actually taking me to the clinic so I could get on the pill. It seemed too good to be true. But when I saw him at the bottom of the stairs jiggling his keys, I knew he meant to get my attention for another reason. "Dad, it's only ten."
"I know, but I wanted to buy my girl something for Christmas. I need your help."
Not sure why my dad always referred to my mom as "my girl," I almost refused him. But the pleading look in his eyes told me that would hurt his feelings, and he was doing me a favor. So I said, "Sure."
As we drove to the mall before heading downtown, I wanted to make small talk with him, but couldn't come up with something to say that would be neutral enough to work for both of us.
Finally my dad said, "Jenny has been asking about you. She and her boyfriend broke up and she said you might know something about it."
"When did this happen?" I swallowed the bile rising in my throat.
"A few days ago. Apparently she'd gotten pregnant and he insisted she have an abortion. When she did, he broke up with her just like that." My dad snapped his fingers.
"Wow. That had to hurt." Thankfully it had nothing to do with my experience with Dirk the dick -- er, jerk.
"I'm sure it did. I'm glad you stopped hanging out with her. Any girl that would sleep around like that and have an abortion is someone you don't need to be friends with. I'm sorry I introduced you to her. Her boyfriend sounds like a real creep."
"You have no idea," I muttered.
"What did you say?" My dad turned the radio down.
"Nothing. I just said you're right." Staring at my cuticles, I picked at them while deciding if I should tell my dad about him or not.
"Your mother miscarried again."
I glanced at my father as he blinked back tears. "I'm sorry, Dad."
"Yeah, well, I don't think we're meant to have any more kids. We just have to accept it and stop wishing things would work out. It hurts your mom too much to lose the babies." He cleared his throat. "I wish she'd get on the pill too."
I stiffened. Did my dad sense there was more to the story with my sudden desire for the pill? I dreaded the truth, so I wasn't about to ask him.
As he pulled into a parking spot outside the Sears entrance, he turned to face me. He shut off the engine, but made no move to get out of the car. "I would understand if you needed the pill for other reasons."
Swallowing hard, I asked, "You would?"
"Yes. Your mom was only sixteen when she got pregnant with you."
"She was?" I'd never really thought about my mom's age when she'd had me. But if I did the math, he was right.
He turned to face me and searched my eyes like he did when we used to have our heart to heart talks. I had all I could do not to sob and throw myself into his arms. "Just make sure you love him, sweetheart. Don't throw your innocence away on a jerk."
My pulse pounded in my ears and my mouth went dry. "I…"
"What is it, Melissa? You can tell me."
Turning my face away to hide my guilt, I said, "I'll do that."
What I really wanted to say is I wasn't innocent anymore. Honestly, part of me still blamed my dad for introducing me to Jenny and causing this whole mess. But I didn't want to hurt him, so I kept it to myself. I might have gotten in trouble with a guy anyway. If not Dirk, some other user.
"She said her boyfriend told her that he'd slept with you. Is that why you've been avoiding her for months?"
"She what?" I ground my teeth, seething to the point I considered shouting the truth in his face. How dare Dirk the dickhead make it sound like a mutual thing!
"It's okay, honey." He patted my hand. "I don't believe her. I know you wouldn't do something like that willingly. Would you?"
"No. You're right. I wouldn't." I pressed my lips together to avoid saying more. The grief-stricken expression on my dad's face told me he was already hurting and feeling some guilt over the issue. The last thing I needed to do was confirm his fears.
"You were with them the night you came home early in the morning and sat on the picnic table waiting for me to open the door, weren't you? You can tell me the truth."
Why did my dad suddenly care? It irked me. "Yes, but I was too upset with myself for disobeying you to tell you at the time. And there's no way I'll call Jenny to work things out. I want nothing to do with her, or her ex-boyfriend."
He studied me a moment, and then sighed. "Let's get some shopping out of the way, okay, honey?"
"Sure." Anything to avoid discussing Dirk the jerk and that entire situation. For once, I was glad my dad wanted to avoid a subject.
We stepped inside the shopping mall, and for the next two hours, my father acted like he didn't have concerns about me. That I hadn't started to tell him Dirk had raped me. But I preferred his avoidance to his intense scrutiny any day. It hurt less than admitting the truth.
And the truth was, he didn't want to know what happened. Then he'd have to deal with it. Avoidance worked for him, so I'd play along. My mother always did.
Chapter Nine
Christmas was less than two weeks away and I couldn't wait for our school break to begin. I started my prescription just like the nurse had instructed and remembered to take my pill every day without fail. After I finished my last final exam and they dismissed us from class, I headed for my house. I wanted to isolate myself for a little while and try to get my head straight. Maybe putting some distance between me and my messed up friends would help, though I doubted it. I had a hard time saying no.
Mary and Cathy called that night right after I finished dinner. They weren't the best friends a girl could have, but they always knew where the action could be found. So when they asked me if I wanted to go to the new arcade in town, and since it was within walking d
istance of my house, I figured why not? The temperature was just below freezing, but I sucked it up and shoved my bare hands into my pockets. I didn't want to look like a little kid wearing a hat and gloves.
Even wearing my new leather coat -- an early Christmas present from my dad -- did little to keep my body warm. It blocked the wind, but without a scarf I still froze my butt off walking to the arcade. My legs felt stiff underneath my jeans and I could understand why in the old days people wore long johns.
By the time I arrived at "Buttons Arcade," which had just opened near the strip mall on the north side of the city, I was glad I decided to give it a try despite the bitter cold. To my delight, Buttons was loaded with guys. They came in every size, shape, and color. Well, almost. But I had never seen so many cute guys in one place before outside of my high school. It was like a smorgasbord of good-looking boys, and the few girls hanging out were outnumbered at least three to one. That meant more choices for me and my girlfriends.
Not that Mary was very picky these days. Nor had she ever been, come to think of it. And after Cathy's recent rejection by Dave the Drummer, she said she was open to checking out her options, too. It sort of felt like we'd showed up at a bar to find ourselves some dates, not that I'd know what that was like. A bunch of guys stood alongside the wall checking us out, probably because young women were scarce tonight. Others watched two young men playing pool.
Smoke wafted in the air and I bummed a cigarette from Cathy since she always had at least a pack on her. I lit up and watched the two guys playing pool. The tall one had a nice build. I liked the way his muscles bulged when he leaned over and took each shot. He looked pretty sexy when he did it while clamping a cigarette between his lips. The action made me think of James Dean from the old black and white shows.
Within minutes, I became too warm from all of the body heat, so I peeled off my coat. Mary sat on a bench talking to a guy who looked about the same age as her. She held her coat on her lap so I figured she could hold mine, too.
"Hey, Mary? Do you mind holding my coat? I'm dying in here."
"Sure." Mary barely glanced in my direction and continued to flirt with the guy next to her. Maybe this time she'd find a guy who really liked her and didn't talk to her so he could use her for a good time.
We all wanted to be loved. We just had different ways of going about finding it.
Several minutes later, the tallest guy won the pool game. He winked at me. "I want to play you next. I'll pay for the game. Do you want solids or stripes?"
I glanced to the right and the left. Was he talking to me? Had he noticed I was admiring him earlier? "I'll pick solids, but I'm not playing until you tell me your name."
He grinned. "It's Mick. What about yours?"
"Melissa. But I prefer Missy."
"Missy it is, then. You go first."
For the next hour I played several games against Mick. He said he'd keep playing me until I won, so I determined not to give up until I bested him. I concentrated on the angles and gestured with my pool stick. "Eight ball in the corner pocket."
To my surprise, the ball went straight in and I didn't scratch. "Whoo hoo! I won!"
"That you did, Missy. What do you say you and I go outside for a bit?" Mick's gaze slowly crept along my body, lingering on my legs before returning to my face. He grabbed his jean jacket and slipped it on.
I glanced over at Mary who sat on the same bench, still deep in a conversation with the same guy. In the meanwhile Cathy had found an admirer by the Ms. PacMan game in the back corner of the arcade. He dipped low and kissed her while feeling her up where anyone could see him. I glanced at the owner, who sat behind the counter and exchanged money for tokens. He didn't seem to notice or care.
"Sure," I said as I followed Mick outside.
Though freezing out, the heat of his gaze torched my face. But in spite of his smoldering looks, I still shivered.
"Come here. I'll warm you up." Mick gestured for me to come closer. He took his coat off, then draped it over my shoulders. He pulled me so close I could hear the sound of his heartbeat. I couldn't believe he liked me enough to cuddle and we'd just met. He was better looking than any of my previous boyfriends. I couldn't tell his age, though, so I asked, "How old are you?"
"Seventeen. You?"
I knew if I told him the truth, that I'd be sixteen soon, he'd run screaming like the rest of the guys had, with the exception of Margie and Sharon's brother. So I said, "Sixteen."
He squeezed me tighter and whispered into my hair. "I want you to be my girl."
Had he just said what I thought he did? I tipped my head back to ask him when he covered my lips with his. The kiss started slow and innocently enough, but quickly grew steamy and warmed me all over. Several parts of my body heated, and they were in areas I didn't have much experience with. At least, not in a good way. So far sex hadn't been much fun for me at all.
Mick's hands roamed over my chest and legs. After several minutes of gentle touches, he paused to unsnap my jeans. I glanced around and saw we were alone. What was he doing?
Afraid to move, but enjoying the sensation of him touching me at the same time, I allowed him to explore me in a way that made my knees weak. I'd never felt anything like this and I wanted more. He rubbed inside my panties and asked, his breath now coming in erratic spurts, "Want to go to my aunt's place? I have a room there."
My heart pounded and I thought maybe I'd found love this time. It certainly felt better than what I'd experienced with guys thus far. The hungry look in Mick's eyes made me want to do whatever he asked. So I said as I snapped my jeans, my body still swimming with pleasure, "Okay, but first I need to get my coat."
When I approached Mary, she barely glanced at me when I told her I was leaving with Mick and I'd catch her later. Oh well, at least she wouldn't miss me. One glance at Cathy, who was still making out in the corner, told me she wouldn't care where I went any more than Mary did.
I pulled on my coat and we stepped outside. Though it was dark out, I had four more hours until my curfew, so I announced, "I don't have to be home until eleven."
"I'll get you home by then." Mick grabbed my hand and I followed him down the street. His fingers were warm and his large hand swallowed mine up. Fish had small hands in comparison, not that I wanted to think about him right now. He'd never made me feel like Mick had managed to do from his kisses alone.
After walking several short blocks, we arrived at a two story home badly in need of a paint job. The moment I stepped inside I nearly gagged from the smell of cat pee, so I continued breathing through my teeth. I heard the television in the other room. It sounded like they were watching Frosty the Snowman.
Mick led me up the stairs and within minutes I'd grown accustomed to the scent. If I focused on other things, like the handsome guy standing next to me, it didn't seem too bad. I studied the small room he'd brought me to and waited while he closed the door. A few sparse posters hung on the wall containing pictures of different rock bands. A twin-sized bed covered with crumpled sheets rested against the wall.
I sure hoped the sheets didn't stink as bad as the rest of the house. I removed my jacket at the same time he removed his. We set them on the chair in the corner of the room.
Mick smiled and grabbed me around the waist. He pulled me toward the bed so I sat on his lap. "Now where were we?" he whispered as he kissed my neck.
Soon everything melded into the background except for the sensation of his hands roaming over me. I let him do whatever he wanted. He gazed into my eyes and gestured toward my shirt. "Can you take it off?"
Though it was cool in the room, the heat between us made it bearable. I peeled off my tee shirt. He studied me and smiled, like he thought I was sexy sitting beside him wearing only my bra. He motioned toward the bed.
I lay down beside him. We touched and explored each other's bodies, but I wasn't scared. Maybe because he was gentle and I was willing this time. Even odder than that, however, was the fact that I was completely s
ober.
Had somehow getting on the pill made me less scared of pregnancy, so it was easier for me to do this? I didn't think so, but nothing else made sense.
He must've heard my thoughts, because he asked, "You're on the pill, right?"
I nodded, and from that point on there was no stopping him. He went full speed ahead, but it didn't end quickly like it had with my friends' brother. When he finished and sat up to light a cigarette, I marveled that I'd actually enjoyed feeling him inside me. Maybe this was what true love felt like. If not, it sure felt close.
Though Mick barely knew me, I could tell from the way he kissed and touched me that he really liked me. Now all I had to do was figure out a way to make him love me. If having sex would do the trick, I didn't mind at all. In fact, I wanted to do it again.
Mick studied me and smiled. "You liked that, didn't you?"
I nodded and attempted to cover myself with one arm. "You were great, Mick. I don't have much experience, but I'd like to learn more. Will you teach me?"
For a moment I thought Mick would choke on his cigarette. Instead, he lit another and handed it to me. We smoked them down to the nubs, and since he never responded, I started to get dressed. Maybe he didn't want to do it more than once.
He touched my arm. "Don't get dressed yet. We still have time."
"Okay. I'm not in a hurry." I returned my clothes to the pile and waited.
Mick touched my hair and gazed into my eyes as if seeking permission for more. I didn't resist, so he bent to kiss my lips, then pulled me against him. Never before had I felt so wanted by a guy. It was the headiest feeling in the world. No wonder Jenny thought having sex with her boyfriend was true love. Right now I felt the same way.
Later that night, Mick walked me home. I thought about inviting him inside, but decided not to risk it in case my parents didn't like him. Before he left, Mick asked if I'd meet him at Buttons again tomorrow night to play some more pool.
"Sure. I'd love to hang out." I gave him the sweetest smile I could muster. "I really enjoyed tonight, Mick."
Somebody Love Me (Journeys) Page 6
