How has he been so close and I never even knew it?
It’s almost seven o’clock in the morning and nearing the end of my shift when I finally decide to check in on Jace. When I crack open the door and peek my head inside, I see that he’s still on the floor.
His head pops up when he hears me enter, his eyes rimmed with deep red circles. He’s been crying, that much is clear.
My heart clenches tightly.
“This isn’t fair,” he mutters when I quietly close the door.
I cross the room, lowering myself down next to him on the floor the moment I reach him. I press my back against the wall and pull my knees up, mirroring his position.
“You’re right. It isn’t fair. You lost your brother, Jace.”
“I don’t need you to remind me.” Emotion clogs his voice.
“Let me help you.” I soften my voice. “At least for tonight. Come home with me.” The words are off my tongue before I really think them through.
I want to scream at myself to shut up, but I can’t resist the overwhelming need I have to make sure he’s okay. It was one thing to walk away from him when he wouldn’t get clean. But to walk away from him on the night he lost his brother, his only family? I don’t see how I could do that.
The truth is, I’ve been mulling the idea over in my head ever since he made the comment earlier about not being able to go home. And even though I had talked myself out of it, deciding that him coming home with me was probably the worst idea ever, and not only because of our history but because of Ellie too. Yet after one look at him and I’ve completely changed my mind.
“You want me to go home with you?” He seems as shocked by my request as I do.
“You made it pretty clear you don’t want to go back to Tommy’s apartment, and after everything that’s happened, I can’t blame you. And you have nowhere else to go. I have a small apartment attached to my garage. It isn’t much, but it’ll give you a place to crash for a few nights.”
“You’re offering to let me live with you?”
“No,” I shake my head, “I’m offering to let you sleep in my garage apartment for a few nights. There’s a big difference.”
I know what a bad idea this is. But looking at him now, I’m scared of what he might do if I let him leave alone. I’m scared that tomorrow night it’ll be him lying lifeless in that exam room.
“Oak, I can’t.”
I can tell he’s still in a state of disbelief, but eventually the realness of this situation is going to take hold and when it does, I want him to know he’s not alone.
Despite everything that has happened, despite all the bad, I know there’s still some of the Jace I love hidden in there and I can’t turn away from him. Not when he needs me the most.
“You can. And you will. Under two conditions.” I pause. “You have to be able to pass a drug test.” I hold up one finger.
I feel guilty bringing it up after everything that’s happened tonight, but I can’t bring him home with me unless I know he’s clean.
“You’re going to drug test me?” He seems mildly offended.
“Yes.”
“And what’s the second condition?”
“You are not allowed to come to the main house for any reason. My life and my home, are off limits.” I hold up a second finger.
As much as I want to help Jace, I have to protect Ellie first and foremost. If I can keep him away from the main house, there’s no reason why they should have any interaction at all. Right now, it’s the best I can do for all involved.
“So much for us being friends.” He brings up my earlier comment, his shoulders slumping forward.
“I want to help you, Jace. But I have to protect myself too. I hope you can understand that.”
“I do.” His eyes go to the ground before he mutters, “And it’s more than I deserve.”
Chapter Ten
OAKLEY
* * *
“So, you’re an ER nurse.” Jace stares out the window of my blue Ford Escape, his hands knotted in his lap.
“I am. For about a year now.”
“You did it. In spite of everything I put you through, you did everything you said you were going to do. You got out. You made something of yourself.” I can feel his eyes looking at the side of my face, but I keep my focus on the road.
“Well, not everything.” I shrug, knowing there’s a lot I wanted to do when I left Parkview. Places I wanted to go, things I wanted to experience. But finding out I was pregnant changed a lot of that. It was no longer about me.
“After the accident…” His voice trails off.
“I don’t want to talk about that right now,” I interrupt.
“After the accident,” he continues anyway, “I worried that maybe I had broken you.”
“Broken me?” I briefly glance in his direction before my eyes shift back to the road.
“I just… I worried that maybe after everything I did, what I did to you, that maybe it had changed you. But I should have known better. You’re so much stronger than me. You always were. And now look at you. You work as a nurse. You drive this nice car. You own your own home. It’s incredible to see how much you’ve accomplished.”
“Thank you,” I murmur, not really sure what else to say.
“I mean it, Oak. I’m really proud of you.” He pauses. “So, um, I know this is really none of my business, but… are you seeing anyone?” I don’t miss the way his gaze goes to my left hand as if this is the first time he’s thought to check for a ring.
“I am.” I nod, feeling weird even talking about this. “His name is Lance.”
“Lance. And what does Lance do…for a living?”
“He works in insurance.”
“How did you two meet?”
“Jace.” I throw him a hesitant look, not sure if this is the best thing for us to be discussing right now.
“What? I want to know.”
“Fine.” I sigh. “He works with my cousin, Keira. She introduced us.”
“You been together long?”
“About eight months.”
“Is it serious?”
“I don’t know, what do you classify as serious?” I divert the question, because truthfully, I don’t know how to answer. I feel like we’re kind of serious, but at the same time we’re not. If that makes any sense.
“Do you love him?”
“I care for him, yes.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“I guess I love him,” I concede. I mean, I do. I’m just not sure if I’m in love with him yet.
“You guess?”
“I love him,” I confirm, my voice sure.
He nods, turning his gaze to look back out the window.
“So…” I clear my throat when there’s a lull in conversation, the earlier tension filling the space between us. “How long have you been living in Briar?”
“Since I got out of rehab. Tommy’s been here a little over a year. He thought getting out of Parkview would help us stay clean. You know, so we didn’t fall back into old habits.” He snorts. “A lot of good that’s fucking done. Didn’t help him any, did it?”
“Jace, sometimes people slip. You can’t outrun addiction. Though I do agree that getting away from the people and places you used to frequent is the best thing you can do. But no matter where you go, that urge will always be there.”
“I just don’t get it. He was doing so well.”
“Unfortunately, that’s how it happens. Getting clean is a lifelong commitment. One slip is all it takes.”
“I can’t believe he’s gone.” When I glance in his direction, his face is turned toward the window. I can see his reflection in the glass, the pain pulling at his features.
I reach for his hand, giving it a squeeze.
“I just got him back. After years of barely speaking, I finally had my brother back. And he was happy. Happier than I think I’ve ever seen him. He had a job, an apartment, friends. He was really building a life for
himself here. And now it’s just… over.”
I wish I knew what to say, how to make this better. But I know I can’t, so instead I sit silent, my hand wrapped around his.
“If he couldn’t do it. If he couldn’t stay clean when he had so much going for him, how do I even stand a chance?”
“You aren’t your brother, Jace. Just because he slipped doesn’t mean you will.”
“Doesn’t it though?” He tugs his hand away from mine before crossing his arms in front of himself. “I mean, look at me. Look at my family. We’re all a bunch of fucked up addicts. Maybe I should just follow in Tommy’s footsteps. Maybe I should remove myself from the equation with the one thing I could never get enough of swimming in my veins. Fuck! The world would be a hell of a lot better without me.”
“Don’t say that,” I snip, a hard pit forming in my stomach. The thought of Jace not being here – of him dying – it’s too painful to even think about. Even after all this time, I don’t know that I could bare losing him.
I’ve always known that one day that phone call might come, and as much as I pretended to be ready for it, the truth is I never was. And now to have him sitting next to me, I can’t even stomach the idea.
“Let’s face it, Oak. I’m a fucking mess. I’ve been a mess for years.”
“But it’s not too late to fix it. You’re what, four months sober now? Four months, Jace. That’s huge.”
“Four months is nothing,” he grumbles.
“Four months is everything. One day is everything. Every single day you stay clean is a day to be proud of.”
“But really, what’s the point?”
The way he’s talking is making me incredibly nervous. I know he’s hurting. Hell, I’m hurting and I haven’t seen Tommy since I was fourteen. I can’t even imagine how painful this must be for Jace. Tommy was his brother. His only sibling. I shudder to think how I would feel if it were one of the twins, and I’m not remotely close to either of them.
“Please don’t talk like that.” I turn onto my street, slowing the car as I pull into my driveway. I shift into park and kill the engine before turning toward Jace. “I know the world seems really dark right now. I know that you’re hurting. But please don’t give up on yourself. You owe it to Tommy. Hell, you owe it to me. So when you start thinking like that, just remember, it’s not only about you.”
With that, I peel open the door and quickly exit the vehicle into the early morning sun. Jace climbs out a few moments later, his shoulders slumped, his body absolutely drained.
“This is where you live?” He looks up at the remodeled ranch.
“It is.” I nod, glad to have something to distract him with, even if it’s just for a few seconds.
“Wow. This is really nice.”
“Thank you.” I tilt my head to the right. “Come on, I’ll show you the apartment.” I lead him toward the garage, veering off on the sidewalk that leads to the back half of the structure. Digging my keys out of my purse, I shove the right one into the door and click the lock before pushing the door open.
I flip on the lights as Jace follows me inside.
I’ve only been inside here a handful of times. I really have no reason to come out here as I have no use for the space. Well, until now.
It still has the furniture that the previous owners left behind. A metal framed bed with an old, tattered nightstand along the back wall. A worn-down brown couch in the middle of the room facing the side wall, which houses an old box television fixed into the built-in shelving. There’s a small kitchen area to the right and an even smaller bathroom tucked in the corner. It isn’t much, but given the circumstances, I think it’ll do.
“There’s no cable out here,” I tell him. “But you can get all the local channels. And there isn’t any food or anything stocked in the kitchen, but I can pick you up a few things later today.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I know. But you’re going to need to eat… eventually.”
“Honestly, the thought of eating makes me sick to my stomach right now.”
“You might feel differently after you’ve gotten some rest.” I turn to where he’s standing behind me on my right. “I’ll come check on you when I get up.”
“You don’t have to do that.” He blows out a heavy breath, his eyes tired and bloodshot.
“Jace, I want to. I know you’re in a lot of pain right now. I want to help you. Please let me.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do you want to help me?”
“Because I care about you.”
“Why?”
“Why wouldn’t I? I know that a lot has changed, and we’re not the same two kids we once were, but that doesn’t erase all the years of history we have together.”
“I don’t deserve for you to care.”
“But that doesn’t mean I don’t.” I force myself to look away. Even though he’s been through hell, he’s still so damn beautiful it makes my chest hurt.
God how I wish things were different. How I wish we could go back and change so many things. A part of me feels guilty for leaving. Thinking that maybe if I had stayed, he would have gotten clean sooner. Who knows, maybe even Tommy would still be here. But I know I can’t obsess over the ‘what ifs’ and ‘what could have beens’. I chose my path and he chose his and this is where we are now, whether we like it or not.
“I’m going to run inside and get you some clean bed sheets. I’ll be back in a minute.”
“I don’t need anything.”
“Jace.” I give him an exasperated look. “I’m not going to have you sleeping on an old, bare mattress. I’ll also grab you some bottles of water. I’ll be right back.” I exit the apartment before he can object again.
I make quick work of grabbing some bed sheets, a couple pillows, and a comforter out of my linen closet before heading to the kitchen to grab a few waters. I also grab a couple packs of Pop Tarts out of the pantry, knowing how much he loved them when we were kids. Figuring that way if he gets hungry, he has something to snack on until I can get some real food stocked for him.
With my arms overloaded, I carefully make my way back outside, losing two bottles of water when I try to open the apartment door. It swings open moments later, and even though I knew Jace was inside, the sight of him still catches me off guard.
“Here.” He reaches forward and takes the bed linens out of my arms.
“Thank you.” I turn, retrieving the waters from the ground before walking inside, kicking the door shut with my foot. “I brought you some waters and a couple packs of Pop Tarts in case you’re hungry.”
“Pop Tarts?” He quirks a brow at me.
“You used to love them,” I say, setting the items on the kitchen counter.
“Still do. But if I remember right, you don’t.”
“Things change.” I shrug.
In truth, I still don’t like them. But Ellie loves them. And even though I try not to give her sweets for breakfast, sometimes it’s nice to have something quick to feed her after a long night at the hospital.
Glancing at my watch, I realize that Keira will be dropping Ellie off any minute.
“Um, I have to go.” I start to back away. “Will you be okay here?” I watch him set the bed linens onto the bed before turning toward me.
“I’ll be fine. Go.” He gestures toward the door.
I hesitate, honestly afraid to leave him. Because as much as I hope he’ll stay put and get some sleep, deep down I know there’s a very real chance that he won’t. That when I wake up this afternoon he’ll be gone. I shudder to think what the outcome might be if that’s the path he chooses.
“Don’t leave.” It’s a plea, one that sounds almost desperate on my lips.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he promises, his expression softening. “I promise.”
“I’ll come out and check on you later after I get up.”
“So you’ve already said.” A trace of a smile t
ips at the corner of his mouth.
I can tell he’s trying really hard to hold it together. I hate that I have to leave him like this. I hate that only hours after he lost his brother I’m abandoning him. And even though I know that’s not entirely true, it still feels that way.
“Well,” I hesitate in the doorway, “good night.”
“Night.” I feel his gaze on me as I turn and make my way back outside. I force myself not to look in his direction as I pull the door closed.
I round the garage and have just made it to the front porch when Keira’s car pulls into the driveway behind mine. I immediately glance behind me to make sure Jace didn’t follow me out.
Thankfully, there’s only one window in the apartment and it faces the backyard, so I know unless he comes outside, he won’t spot Keira, or Ellie as her Aunt Kiki lifts her out of her car seat.
“Mama!” She runs toward me when she sees me.
“Hi, baby.” I lean down and swoop her up, giving her a long hug. After the night I’ve had, all I want to do is hold onto my sweet daughter and never, ever let her go again. “How was she?” I ask my cousin who steps up in front of us and extends Ellie’s bag to me.
“Perfect, as always.” She smiles, running her hand down the back of Ellie’s red curls.
“Thank you again for bringing her to me this morning. Last night was… rough.”
Normally, I pick Ellie up from Keira on the way home, feed her breakfast, get her dressed for the day, and spend about an hour with her before dropping her off at Gianna’s before I get a few hours of sleep. But obviously I couldn’t do that this morning.
“No problem.” Keira smiles when Ellie turns and grins at her. “We had fun singing Frozen songs on the way.”
“Did you sing Frozen with Aunt Kiki?” I ask Ellie who nods excitedly.
“Can I go inside?” Ellie asks, squirming in my arms the way she always does when she’s ready to be put down.
“Yes.” I lower her to her feet. “Take your bag to your room and play for a minute. I’ll be in soon to get breakfast ready,” I tell her, watching her disappear inside the front door moments later.
Poison & Wine Page 7
