by Dan Gutman
“What does that have to do with your machine?” Billy asked.
“You’ll see,” Mrs. Yonkers replied. “In 1929, an astronomer named Edwin Hubble proved that the universe is expanding all the time.* With the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator, I figured out how to accelerate the rate of expansion by altering the molecular structure and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah . . .”
Mrs. Yonkers went on like that for a while. It didn’t seem like the universe was expanding to me, but it sounded like a cool idea. If the universe was expanding, maybe there would be more video games and skate parks.
Finally, Mrs. Yonkers finished talking about the universe expanding.
“So what does the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator actually do?” asked Andrea.
“Oh, that’s simple,” Mrs. Yonkers told us. “It makes stuff bigger.”
WHAT?!!!
“You mean to say that if you put something in that machine and turn it on, it makes the thing bigger?” asked Ryan.
“That’s right,” said Mrs. Yonkers. “See for yourself.”
She picked up a pot holder from the kitchen counter and put it inside the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator. Then she pushed a button. The machine turned on and made a noise just like a microwave oven. About ten seconds later, there was a little ding sound. Mrs. Yonkers opened up the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator. And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what was inside.
A GIANT POT HOLDER!
“WOW,” we all shouted, which is “MOM” upside down.
“That’s amazing!” Andrea said. “It’s like the universe expanded in the machine!”
She was right. That is, if the universe was only made up of pot holders.
“Will the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator work with other objects too?” asked Michael.
“It will work with anything.”
“Will it work with candy?” I asked.
“Sure!” said Mrs. Yonkers.
She picked a Hershey’s bar out of her bowl and put it in the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator. Ten seconds after she turned the machine on, she opened the door and took out the Hershey’s bar.
It was the size of a cereal box!
“Gasp!” we all gasped.
“That is the greatest invention in the history of the world,” I said. “You should get the No Bell Prize, Mrs. Yonkers.”
“Oh, I don’t care about prizes,” she told us. “But think of how the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator could be used. It could help poor people get enough food to feed a large family. It could help people with vision problems to see tiny objects. The possibilities are unlimited.”
Personally, all I cared about was getting some really big candy. Mrs. Yonkers said we could take our bite-size Halloween candy, put it in the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator, and turn it into GIANT, FAMILY-SIZE CANDY. We did it, and it was the coolest thing ever! When we were finished, I could barely lift my pillowcase full of giant, expanded candy.
“Thanks, Mrs. Yonkers!” we all said.
“Now remember,” she told us. “The MicroMole 4000 Expandinator is a top secret project. Nobody knows about it yet except for us. So not a word to anyone, okay?”
“Our lips are sealed,” Andrea said.*
We were about to turn around to leave when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. I felt the presence of someone else in the room.
“Not so fast!” a voice shouted.
We all turned around.
It was the Halloween Monster again!
11
The Return of the Halloween Monster
“Ahhhhhhhhhhh!” we all screamed.
“It’s the Halloween Monster!”
That big, ugly, disgusting, furry Halloween Monster was standing right in front of us! He must have followed us to Mrs. Yonkers’s house.
“Run for your lives!” shouted Neil the nude kid.
But there was no place to run. There was no place to hide. We were trapped in the kitchen. Emily was on the floor, freaking out. For once I couldn’t blame her. We were all freaking out.
“Who are you?” Mrs. Yonkers yelled at the Halloween Monster. “Get out of my house, you varmint! I didn’t invite you in here.”
“Take our candy!” I shouted. “Go ahead. I don’t want it. Just don’t chop us up into little pieces. Please!”
“I don’t want your dumb candy,” the Halloween Monster said angrily.
“What do you want then?” asked Andrea.
“I want . . . the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator!” the Halloween Monster shouted.
WHAT?!
“No!” Mrs. Yonkers yelled, wrapping her arms around the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator. “This is my invention!”
“But soon it will be mine,” said the Halloween Monster. “Think of it. I could build a larger version of your machine. Then I could take solid gold coins and turn them into solid gold manhole covers! I could take a compact car and turn it into an SUV! I could climb inside the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator and supersize myself. I would become a giant! With this technology, I could . . . rule the world! Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
The Halloween Monster let out an evil, cackling laugh. He was obviously crazy. Any time somebody says they want to rule the world and they let out an evil, cackling laugh, you know they’re nuts.
“Get out of here before I call the police, you varmint!” shouted Mrs. Yonkers as she reached for the phone with one hand.
“First hand over the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator,” said the Halloween Monster.
“Never!” yelled Mrs. Yonkers.
“Don’t make this difficult, lady,” said the Halloween Monster. “Just give me the machine, and nobody will get hurt.”
“No way!”
“You heard her,” I yelled at the Halloween Monster. “Get out of here! She’s not going to give it to you.”
“Oh, well,” he said, “then I guess I’m just going to have to take it.”
He reached out to grab the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator from Mrs. Yonkers’s hands. She held on tight.
The Halloween Monster got hold of the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator!
Mrs. Yonkers grabbed it back!
Then the two of them were wrestling on the floor and yelling at each other!
Watching grown-ups wrestle is cool. And we got to see it live and in person. You should have been there!
And then, suddenly, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Two men burst in the front door. They were wearing policeman costumes.
“Freeze, dirtbag!” they hollered at the Halloween Monster.
Cops on TV always shout “Freeze, dirtbag” at bad guys. Nobody knows why.
Everybody froze.
But not really. It would have had to be really cold in Mrs. Yonkers’s house for everybody to freeze.
“Step away from the machine, mister,” said one of the guys dressed up as a policeman. “Put your hands in the air.”
The Halloween Monster stepped away from the MicroMole 4000 Expandinator and put his hands up.
“Hey, those are great costumes,” I said. “I’ve never seen a trick-or-treater dressed up as a policeman before.”
“They’re not dressed up like policemen, Arlo!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes. “They’re real policemen.”
Oh. I knew that.
“My name is Officer Harwell,” one of the policemen said, “and this is Officer Trotta. We got a report that there was a man going around town stealing candy from kids. We followed him to this address.”
“I didn’t steal any candy!” hollered the Halloween Monster.
“Has this man been stealing candy?” asked Officer Trotta.
“Yes!” we all shouted. “He stole it from us!”
“You’re under arrest,” Officer Harwell said to the Halloween Monster. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”
He went on like that for a while
.
“Remove the head of your costume, sir,” said Officer Trotta. “We need to be sure you don’t have a concealed weapon in there.”
We all gathered around because we wanted to see the true identity of the Halloween Monster. As he started to take off the head of his costume, we were all on pins and needles.
Well, not really. If we were on pins and needles, it would have hurt. But it was really exciting. There was electricity in the air.
Well, not really. If there was electricity in the air, we would have been electrocuted.
Anyway, the Halloween Monster reached up and removed his head. And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years who was inside the costume.
I’m not going to tell you.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter to find out. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!
12
The Big Surprise Ending!
If you’ve read a bunch of My Weird School books, you probably think you know the true identity of the Halloween Monster. You probably think it’s Mr. Klutz, our school principal, playing a trick on me and the gang. Or maybe you think it’s Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education. He is a mean guy. Or it could be Officer Spence, our security guard. Or maybe you think it’s Mr. Docker, our science teacher.
Well, you’re wrong! It’s not any of those people. And it’s not George Washington or Christopher Columbus or Lady Gaga either. Nice try though.
Slowly, the Halloween Monster removed the head of his costume. We could hardly believe who was inside.
“Mayor Hubble!” everybody shouted.
Mayor Hubble used to be the mayor of our town. Then he was arrested for stealing fake gold and silver that our groundskeeper, Mr. Burke, hid in the playground. The mayor was sent to jail, but he got time off for good behavior. After that he was sent to jail again when he got caught trespassing and stealing signs from people’s lawns.
“I thought you were in jail,” said Mrs. Yonkers.
“I got time off for good behavior,” said Mayor Hubble.
“You’re supposed to be a role model for young people,” scolded Mrs. Yonkers. “Instead, you’re going around stealing their candy and trying to take over the world. You should be ashamed of yourself!”
The policemen slapped handcuffs on Mayor Hubble and started dragging him away.
“Wait!” Mayor Hubble yelled. “I can explain!”
“Let’s hear it,” said Mrs. Yonkers. “I want to know why you wanted to steal my invention so badly.”
“Okay, I’ll tell you the truth,” said Mayor Hubble. “My grandfather . . . was Edwin Hubble.”
For a moment there was silence. You could hear a pin drop.*
“Who’s Edwin Hubble?” I finally asked.
“He’s the guy who proved that the universe is expanding,” Andrea said. “Weren’t you listening, Arlo?”
“Your face wasn’t listening,” I said.
“When I was a little boy, Grandpa Hubble told me his theory about the universe expanding,” Mayor Hubble said quietly. “He said that someday he would build a machine that would speed up the process and make things bigger. But he never did. For years I’ve tried to build such a machine myself. It was my lifetime goal. But I couldn’t do it. And now it’s too late. You made the machine. You’ll get all the glory. My life is ruined.”
Mayor Hubble started weeping and sobbing. What a crybaby! That guy is worse than Emily.
“Take him away, boys,” Mrs. Yonkers told the policemen.
“B-but . . . ,” said Mayor Hubble.
Everybody started giggling because the mayor said “but,” which sounds just like “butt” except it’s missing a t.
“I’m not a crook!” Mayor Hubble yelled as the policemen dragged him away. “I’m an honest man! I’ll be back, I promise you that! I’ll be back!”
Well, that’s pretty much what happened. It was a weird Halloween night, that’s for sure. We all piled into Mrs. Yonkers’s minivan, and she gave us rides home. The policemen took Mayor Hubble away in the back of the patrol car.
Maybe he’ll go to jail for good this time. Maybe my mom will let me eat candy on October 30 next year. Maybe I’ll find out who TP’d my house. Maybe Ryan and I will go bird-watching. Maybe we’ll find out what a cognito is. Maybe Billy will stop parading around in his underwear. Maybe some talking penguins will take me to Antarctica with them. Maybe I’ll paint some pictures with the pigments of my imagination. Maybe grown-ups will stop saying blah blah blah blah all the time. Maybe Mrs. Yonkers will win the No Bell Prize for inventing the Micro-Mole 4000 Expandinator. Maybe if I can convince my parents that the universe is expanding, they’ll increase my allowance.
But it won’t be easy!
Professor A.J.’s Weird Halloween Facts
Fun Games and Weird-Word Puzzles
My Weird School Trivia Questions
The World of Dan Gutman Checklist
PROFESSOR A.J.’S WEIRD HALLOWEEN FACTS
Howdy, My Weird School readers! Professor A.J. here. I’m going to tell you a bunch of stuff you probably don’t know about Halloween. Because it’s really important for you to learn stuff so you won’t grow up to be a dumbhead like certain people I know (Andrea).
Okay, here goes. . . .
Halloween started about a million hundred years ago when aliens from outer space landed in Hershey, Pennsylvania. They showed up with these huge pillowcases and shouted “TRICK OR TREAT” into bullhorns. They said we had to give up all the candy on Earth or they were going to blow up the Hershey factory.
Okay, I made that up. Here’s some true stuff about Halloween that I bet you didn’t know. . . .
There’s a lot more stuff you could learn about Halloween, but learning stuff is boring. I’d rather go out trick-or-treating so I can get more candy and eat it. See ya!
Fun Games and Weird-Word Puzzles
MYSTERY MAZE!
Directions: Help A.J. and his friends find their way to the Haunted House. Be careful! There are some spooky, scary creatures waiting to jump out at you along the way!
MONSTER MATCH
Directions: Each of the words in the list below matches one of the words in the circle. See if you can pair them up!
WACKY-WORD STORY TIME!
Directions: Before you read the story, fill in each blank with a word that fits the description next to it. ONLY after you’ve filled in all the blanks, go back and read the story out loud! Is it funny? Scary? Or just really weird!?
PRETEND PICTURE
Directions: The picture on the right is trying to “dress up” like the picture on the left! However, it looks as if the picture on the right made a few mistakes. See if you can find all the differences between the two pictures! [Hint: there are ten!]
WEIRD-WORD SEARCH
Directions: There are ten Halloween-themed words hiding in this messy jumble of letters! Can you find them all?
WORDS AND WITCHCRAFT
Directions: Words can do weird things. See how many smaller words you can make from the letters in these bigger words. Try to come up with at least ten smaller words for each!
WEIRD SCHOOL
1. CLOSE
2. DISH
3. COLOR
INVISIBLE IMAGES
Directions: There are two pictures on these pages, but they are magically invisible! Connect the dots in number order until you reveal each invisible image! Then color the pictures in any way you’d like!
MY WEIRD SCHOOL TRIVIA QUESTIONS
There’s no way in a million hundred years you’ll get all these answers right. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!
Q: WHAT IS MISS DAISY’S FAVORITE FOOD?
A: Bonbons
Q: WHAT FAMOUS FOOTBALL PLAYER VISITS ELLA MENTRY SCHOOL?
A: Boomer Wiggins
Q: HOW BIG IS MRS. COONEY’S FOOT?
A: One foot long
Q: DURING RECESS, WHAT DOES ANDREA DO FOR FUN?
A: Reads the dictionary
&
nbsp; Q: WHO IS MRS. ROOPY’S HERO?
A: Melvil Dewey, inventor of the Dewey Decimal System
Q: WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENT DOES MR. HYNDE PLAY?
A: Turntable
Q: WHAT DO THEY EAT IN EGYPT?
A: Food pyramids
Q: WHY DOES A.J.’S FAMILY EAT IN FRONT OF THE TV?
A: Because there’s no room behind the TV
Q: ACCORDING TO MRS. COONEY, WHAT CURES ANY SICKNESS?
A: Licking your elbow
Q: WHY DOESN’T A.J. PICK HIS NOSE?
A: He doesn’t want to pull his brain out.
Q: WHY DID MR. DOCKER MAKE A CLOCK OUT OF POTATOES?
A: He wanted to see time fry.
Q: WHAT DOES PTA STAND FOR?
A: Parents who Talk A Lot
Q: HOW DOES MRS. KORMEL SAY “SIT DOWN”?
A: “Limpus Kidoodle”
Q: WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST THING RYAN EVER ATE?
A: A piece of the seat cushion on the school bus. With ketchup.
Q: WHAT IS NEIL THE NUDE KID’S REAL NAME?
A: Neil Crouch
Q: WHAT DO THEY GIVE OUT TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T HAVE BELLS?
A: The No Bell Prize
Q: WHAT’S A WICHSAND?
A: A sandwich that has the meat on the outside and bread in the middle
Q: WHICH PRESIDENT LIKED TO GO SKINNY-DIPPING?
A: John Quincy Adams
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ANIMAL DOCTOR WHO DOESN’T EAT MEAT?
A: A vegetarian veterinarian
Q: HOW MANY SPOONS CAN RYAN HANG FROM HIS FACE AT THE SAME TIME?
A: Four
Q: WHAT DOES MR. KLUTZ HAVE IN HIS LIVING ROOM?
A: A half-pipe
