Mistaken Hope

by Sarah Elizabeth

  Paul and Diane went through to sit with Holly in the kitchen when Rye and Alyssa stepped inside, and I’m guessing they did that because they didn’t wanna have to hear me explaining to our friends what’s been happening. It’s hard enough having to deal with all of the negative thoughts that are constantly running through your mind, on overdrive, without having to listen to it over and over again. Let’s face it, it’s just as painful to hear it for the tenth time as it is for the first.

  “How’s Holly doing?” Rye asks, his voice low. “Does she know?” I shake my head to answer his question, and he nods before letting out a deep breath. “And what about you? How are you dealing with all of this?” He’s watching me with caution, and I close my eyes while lowering my head. Besides Rach, he’s the first person to ask me that question. The first person to actually give a fuck about what all of this is doing to me and how I’m feeling inside. My chest becomes tight and I’m struggling to catch any air in my lungs. “Hey, come here, man.”

  Rye wraps his arms around me, pulling me to him, and I finally do it. I can’t hold it in any longer. I break down. My chest heaves and tears start to flow freely from my eyes. I was trying to stay strong, but I realize now that it’s an impossibility. It hurts too much. I grip a hold of his shirt, resting my forehead on his shoulder, his grasp tightening around me as I cry.

  It’s been years since I’ve felt severe pain like this, and yet after all of this time, Neil’s still the only one who can inflict this much torture and misery on my life. He was my fucking best friend, but somewhere down the line, he became my enemy.

  “Brandon?” I hastily step away from Rye and wipe my hands over my eyes, trying to inhale some slow and deep breaths. I don’t want Rach to see me like this. Not again. I guess it’s too late, though, because she’s already placed her hands on my shoulders and has twisted me around to face her. When she looks right into my eyes, hers start to fill with sadness and her lips begin to tremble.

  Rach is one of the very few people who’ve ever witnessed me like this before. Three. Three people in the whole of my twenty-six years on this earth have seen my at my weakest, caught me off guard, watched me break down. Rach, Rye, and Alexis. Three of the four most important people in my life have seen me at my lowest, and I just hope to God that the fourth will never have to.

  Rye pats me on the shoulder a couple of times and I notice that his eyes are almost as wet as mine, “I … um … I …” I take a sharp breath and turn away from the both of them. No. No, I’m not gonna let that motherfucker win this. I’m not gonna let him do this to us. Not again.

  “Hey, it’s okay to cry,” Rach says from behind me, and she softly places her hand on mine, squeezing it gently. The sound of the door swinging open draws my attention, and I turn back around to see both Paul and Diane stepping inside the room.

  I wait for Holly to follow in behind them, but when she doesn’t, I start glancing between the two of them, “Where’s Holly?”

  “She wanted to go and play in the yard for a little while.” Paul answers casually as he walks over to take a seat by the window. “I told her that we will call her back inside when it is time for her to get ready for dinner.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Is he crazy? What the fuck is he even thinking? I charge right by them, running through the hallway toward the kitchen. “Holly!” I call out to her as I make my way into the yard. The swing is rocking back and forth, but the seat’s empty. My gaze darts all around me, but I don’t see her anywhere. No. FUCK! “HOLLY!” I charge forward some more and my breaths become heavier, harder, faster. My thoughts are spiraling out of control, and my hands are clenched painfully together, balled into tight fists by my sides. It feels like I’ve just been punched in the goddamn head, throat, chest, and stomach simultaneously. It’s too hot and now I’m struggling to breathe. No. NO! Not Holly. Please, God. Not Holly, too. No. No. No. No. No. NO!

  I head straight toward the back gate, but when I hear something behind me, I immediately spin around and see her standing only a couple of feet away from me. She has her hand over her mouth as she tries to hide her smile and laughter, “Daddy! You would never have found me! Now it’s your turn to hide!”

  As she goes to run by me, I reach out and grab a hold of her arm, pulling her with me and back inside the house, “Holly! This isn’t a game! Dammit!” My hands are shaking, my whole body trembling, and I’m having a really hard time trying to turn the key in the lock. “Dammit!”

  Turning back around, I see that she’s looking right at me, her eyes the widest I’ve ever seen them, “But—”

  “No!” I growl, shaking my head from side to side and gasping for air. “You don’t go out there again, do you hear me? You can never go back out there again!” I point to the door at the same time agonizing pains start to shoot through my chest again. I clutch my hair, trying to clear my mind of all the thoughts about what could’ve happened to her.

  When I look to her, I see that her mouth is tugging downward, I watch as her face crinkles, and then she starts to cry as she backs away from me. I’m not the fucking monster here, doesn’t she know this? Can’t she see that I’m just trying to protect her from harm’s way? Shit! She has to know that I would never do anything to hurt her. I need to make her understand. She needs to understand.

  “I want my mommy!” she cries when I put my hand out to her. Stepping away from me some more, she looks so afraid. No, she doesn’t need to be scared of me. She can’t be afraid of me. All I wanna do is protect her. All I’ve ever wanted to do was protect the both of them.

  “Holly, come here,” I say, my voice weak, my vision blurred. “Please, Holly. Daddy didn’t mean to shout at you, I’m sorry.” When I lift my gaze, I see them all standing in the dining area. Rach, Rye, Alyssa, Diane, and Paul. They’re all watching me, concern over each and every one of their faces.

  “No, I want my mommy,” she whispers, her words causing an overwhelming and unbearable pain to shoot through my chest. “I miss my mommy.” So do I, beautiful. So do I.

  “Come here, Holly,” I hear Paul say to my right, and from the corner of my eye, I see him taking a step forward. What is he doing? What the fuck does he think he’s doing?

  “Holly, come to me.” I tell her. No. I plead with her, offering my arms out again as I bend down on my knees. As soon as I see her shaking her head and cowering away from me, I stand back up tall and turn around to face the rest of them. “This is your fault! Not mine! Yours! What the fuck were you thinking, huh? Why would you let her go outside on her own when you know that he’s still out there? Why the fuck would you put her in the same danger as Alexis?” I snarl, pointing my finger directly at Paul while striding toward him. In the next moment, Rye steps forward, placing his hands flat on my chest, blocking me from getting any closer to him. “Move outta my way, man.” I hiss. “Don’t be getting involved in this.” He’s not listening to me, and instead, he starts to shake his head and comes to stand right in front of me while taking the keys from out of my hand.

  “Not in front of Holly, bro.” He nods his head to the side, gesturing toward my little girl. When I glance back to Holly, I see that she’s sitting on the tiled floor now, with tears streaming down the both of her cheeks. Her knees are pulled up tight to her chest, and she’s hugging herself, rocking her body forward and then back again, over and over. “She’s scared. You’re scaring her, man. Just … just take a step back for a few minutes, alright?” Rye moves around and places his hands on my shoulders from behind me, steering me toward the hallway. “You need to take some time.”

  Chapter Five

  The way I was with Holly, well, it wasn’t me back there. It wasn’t. I can honestly swear to you that I’ve never raised my voice in front of her before or made her feel as though she needs to be afraid of me. Ever. What I said was inexcusable, and I hate myself for doing what I did. I should’ve curbed my temper. Shit! I didn’t realize that I even had one until today. But, what the hell else was I supposed to do? If
anything would’ve happened to my little girl then, I swear to God, I wouldn’t have been held accountable for my actions.

  I dunno, I guess I just snapped, but wouldn’t you have done the same thing if you were in my position? Yeah, exactly. If it isn’t bad enough having to deal with the fact that Alexis has been snatched away from me, I was confronted with the fear that somebody had come along and taken my daughter away from me, too. The emotions I felt at the time are indescribable, the feelings way too intense and painful to form into any words at all.

  I’ll admit that I was wrong to act the way I did, but Paul was wrong, too. He should never have put her in danger. He knows it. I know it. Hell! Every person who was present in the room while the whole thing was playing out knows that what he did was wrong.

  After what went down earlier, I came up here like Rye suggested. I needed some downtime, some space to clear my mind, and I also needed to calm the fuck back down before things got really outta hand. Being in here has helped me in some ways, but then not so much in others.

  You know, Alexis would’ve laughed hard if she could’ve seen what I was doing in here, I know she would’ve. She knows how I get when she attempts to sleep over on my side of the bed, but today, I was the one on hers. I had to feel close to her, and I felt like I was because I could smell her perfume on her pillowcase. I closed my eyes, inhaled her scent, and pretended that I was lying right beside her, holding her. Yeah, I know. Crazy. But, I miss her and I needed something, anything to feel close to her again.

  “Hey,” I open my eyes and lift my head up from off of the pillow when I hear Rye’s voice. Turning on my side, I see him peeking his head around the bedroom door. “Me and Alyssa are going to head back out.” He sounds regretful as he takes a small step inside the room.

  I nod to him, offering a tight smile as I shuffle myself up the bed until I’m resting back against the headboard, “Alright, man.”

  “We wanted to stay for a while longer, but Paul said that it would be for the best if we leave, y’know? Let you guys get some rest,” he explains, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. “I take it that Paul still isn’t your number one fan?” He asks, and a slight smirk starts to cross over his face.

  I shake my head and let out a sigh, “You take it right,” I tell him. Rye knows all about my relationship with Paul, or lack thereof. I don’t think that we’re ever gonna see eye to eye, and I suppose that’s something I’m already growing accustomed to. You know, I still remember how afraid Alexis was on the first day I met him; when he paid her a surprise visit back at the campus. She was terrified because she thought that he was gonna call the cops and have me taken away from her again. But, I’ll be the first to admit that he had us both surprised when he actually agreed to listen to my side of the story.

  All seemed well, but then I did the unthinkable. One of the worst things that I’ve ever done in my whole goddamn life. I betrayed Alexis, and you wanna know something else? She may have forgiven me for what I did to her in the past, but I haven’t, and it’s most likely that I never will. She’s my one; my only. Without her … no. No. I’ve gotta stop with that. I’ve gotta stop wasting any more of my time and energy thinking about that shit. My life isn’t gonna be spent without her in it. I mean, it’s because of him that I’ve already had to say goodbye to somebody I was deeply in love with and truly cared about. No. No, there’s no way in hell that I’m gonna allow for that to happen again. Not in this lifetime.

  Going back to Paul, if I’m gonna be completely honest with you here, I don’t think that it would really matter who Alexis had chosen to settle down with. At the end of the day, through Paul’s eyes, nobody is ever gonna be good enough for his daughter. I try not to take his distaste toward me personally, but it’s kinda hard sometimes, you know? Maybe in a few years, when Holly starts dating, maybe then I’ll be able to see it from his perspective. But, until that day, I wish the guy would realize just how much his daughter means to me.

  If it wasn’t for this guy here, the one who’s sitting just a couple of feet away from me right now, I think Paul would’ve ended up wearing a pretty nasty shiner around his right eye. In fact, he’d probably already have been on his way over to the hospital to get his face fixed. Come on, I don’t fight, you know this, so you’ll understand just how fucking pissed I was earlier. Actually, I was a whole lot of others things, too. I wasn’t just angry. I was anxious, nervous, I felt nauseated. The pain that flowed through every single part of my body was something that I’m hoping you’re never gonna have to experience at any point in your own lifetime.

  I blink away my inner thoughts and bring my attention back over on Rye when I see him eyeing me, guardedly, “Listen, Rye. Thanks for … um …”

  “Yeah,” he answers before I have a chance to tell him just how grateful I am to him for stepping in when he did. Because of the way I was feeling, well, it could’ve gotten completely outta control and I’m regretful enough over my actions as it is. He reaches over and pats me on the shoulder a couple of times before standing back up, and I swing my legs around, jumping up from off of the bed so I can follow him back over to the door. “Call us, bro. Day or night. Just whenever. Whether they find something or you need anything or …” He’s struggling to get his words out and takes a breath. “We’re here for you, man. Me and Alyssa are here for all of you.”

  “Thanks, bro.” I say, watching him as he makes his way back into the hallway. Glancing over his shoulder, he throws me a small, controlled smile before closing the door back up behind him. Rye’s one of the good guys. He always has been, he always will be, and I’m so fucking thankful that I have a friend like him in my life. I don’t have many, but I sure as hell have the best. At least, these days, anyways.

  Rye’s life hasn’t been all smooth sailing itself. Sure, it hasn’t been as eventful as mine has, but he’s had a rough time over the past couple of years all the same. Well, both he and Alyssa have. They even separated for a while when it all became too much for them. She was a mess, he was much worse, and having to stand back and watch them deal with everything they were going through was tough on everybody around them. But, they somehow managed to come out the other side stronger, and I for one couldn’t be happier for the both of them.

  On the day we said our vows, Alexis let it slip right after the ceremony that Alyssa was expecting their baby. I’ll admit that I was surprised, but I was also pretty damn amused and badly wanted to be a fly on the wall so that I could witness Rye’s reaction when she told him that he was gonna be a father. Yeah, well, I didn’t feel so amused once we’d arrived back home. Actually, I felt like a fucking asshole and the shittiest friend on this earth.

  When me, Alexis, and Holly got back from our honeymoon a couple of weeks after we got married, we were told the news, and it was heart breaking to say the least.

  She miscarried while the three of us were in another country, having the time of our lives. Rye told me that he was shocked to learn that he was gonna be a daddy, and that it was most definitely unexpected, but he said that it would’ve been kinda cool having a mini-Rye running around the place. Alyssa was only six weeks pregnant when she lost their baby, and it took them both a while to get over it as you can imagine, but they moved on. At least, for a little while.

  Every month they went through the same agony, and eventually they started to argue with each other. The pressure became all too great and they decided to call time on their relationship. It took them a while, but a few months after they’d called it quits, they decided to give it another try. I mean, I could see it, Alexis could see it, but they couldn’t see just how perfect they were and still are for each other. They told us that they were trying for another baby and believed that maybe what happened in the past was for a reason; that fate stepped in.

  Rye was pretty pleased, actually, he was totally stoked when they eventually realized that they wanted the same thing. He was grinning wide when he told me that they were getting back on track, but that wasn’t the only reaso
n for his smile. Nope. It was because Alyssa had apparently turned into some kinda sex-starved crazed woman and demanded sex two times a day, sometimes even three. But, it still hasn’t happened as of yet, and it’s been, what? Two and a half years now?

  Nobody, and I mean nobody can ever say that those two wouldn’t make awesome parents, because they would. All you’ve gotta do is take one look at the way they adore Holly to see that.

  I take a seat on the edge of mine and Alexis’ bed, laying myself back and staring up at the ceiling for a little while before closing my eyes. While I’ve been up here, I’ve been thinking back over the past few weeks, trying to remember something, anything, that might help us to find Alexis, but I keep coming up with nothing.

  A few more minutes pass by before I finally decide to head back downstairs. I climb back off of the bed and head straight over to the other side of the room to grab a fresh shirt from out of the closet. When I go to throw it on, I momentarily pause when one of my three tattoos catches my eye. I start stroking my fingers across the black ink that’s embedded over my skin on the left side of my chest, and my eyes instantly become glazed. I swallow, hard, tracing the outline while willing myself to take a breath. This is one of the promises I made her back then, and I’ll continue to swear it for the rest of my goddamn life. Forever, I whisper, before throwing on my black tank and making my way toward the bedroom door.

  I grasp a hold of the handle, swing the door open, and pause in the doorway when I see Rach stepping out of Holly’s bedroom, “Hey.” I say, and she glances up at me while placing her cell phone back inside her shirt pocket.