“She’s settling down for the night,” Rach whispers while bringing her index finger up to her lips, and I guess that this is her way of telling me to lower my voice a little bit. “Diane and I made dinner a little while ago and Holly surprised the both of us. She cleared the whole plate.” She tells me with a smile.
That’s my girl. Well, no. She takes after her mommy in that respect. Alexis has never been one to shy away from her food, and I guess that’s just one of the many things that I found and still find attractive about her. She should be the size of a house by now, I swear it. The amount of junk food she eats, well, it’s fucking incredible.
“Thanks, Rach” I tell her, my gaze dropping down to the floor while I roll back and forth on my heel. You could say that I’m feeling pretty ashamed that Rach had to witness what happened earlier today with Paul, and I’m finding this whole situation pretty awkward to deal with. Sure, she’s seen me at my worst before now, but it still doesn’t make this any easier to deal with. “Is she alright?” I ask, lifting my head up until my eyes lock back on hers, nodding toward Holly’s room.
“She’s upset and confused,” she answers, shrugging her shoulders as she tilts her head to the side, studying me. “What about you? Do you feel any better?” I shrug my shoulders as my reply. “Go in there and see her, Brandon. I think that she could do with spending some time with her daddy right now.” Rach adds, rubbing her hand on my arm and offering a smile as she steps to the side, making room for me to get by her.
When she starts heading toward the stairs, I pause and look over my left shoulder, “Hey, Rach? I’m um … I’m sorry about what went down earlier.”
She softly shakes her head as she walks back over to me, her eyes searching mine, “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about, Brandon.” She lifts her hands, cups my jaw, and starts to stroke her thumbs gently across my cheeks. “Nobody is blaming you or expecting you to apologize for any of this, do you hear me? We love you and we’re here for you and that’s something that will never ever change.”
I turn around some more and wrap my arms around her, squeezing her tight, “I love you, too.” I tell her before releasing her from out of my embrace. She smiles at me and then turns away, making her way back down the hallway at the same time that I turn toward Holly’s bedroom door.
I owe Rach. Big time. She doesn’t have to be here and she knows that just as much as anybody else. She could’ve cut all ties after her sister died that night, but she didn’t. She’s a huge part of my life and I sincerely don’t think that I would’ve gotten through half of everything that’s happened to me or my family over the past few years without her. She kicks my ass when it’s needed, and she listens when I need a shoulder. I’m a lucky guy to have her here. Really fucking lucky.
Peeking around the door, I offer her a small smile when her big blue eyes meet with mine, “Hey,” I say as I take a small step inside Holly’s room. She’s sitting on her bed, watching me as I walk hesitantly toward her. “Do you mind if I sit down for a second?” I ask, pointing to the small space beside her, and she starts to shake her head at me.
When she scooches over toward the wall, I go to take a seat beside her, bringing my legs up until I’m laid out on her bed, my back resting against the pink pastel headboard. She lets out a yawn, but she doesn’t say anything as I wrap my arms firmly around her, pulling her as close to me as I possibly can.
It’s silent for a few minutes before I feel her shuffle around to the side. When I glance down to look at her, I see that she’s looking right at me, her eyes filled with sadness, “Daddy? Doesn’t mommy love us anymore?” God, no. She thinks that this is the reason why Alexis isn’t here? I close my eyes and place my hand in her hair, tenderly stroking my fingers through the soft strands as she rests her head gently back down against my chest.
“Don’t ever think that, Holly. Mommy loves us more than anyone or anything else in the whole world, you hear me?” I tell her, my voice pained. “She’s just had to—”
“My new friend isn’t really my friend, is he?” Shit. “When will mommy be coming home?” She’s sitting up now, looking at me, expectantly. She’s waiting for me to give her the answers to her questions, but I can’t. I didn’t want her to know. I didn’t wanna have to bring her into this mess.
She’s only five years old and she shouldn’t have to be subjected to anything like this. She looks so unhappy; withdrawn. Well, so am I because what she’s just asked me has made my heart ache and my stomach drop. If Alexis knew what Holly was thinking, it would kill her, just like it’s killing me. Her eyes become dull again and she lowers her gaze to her blanket when I don’t answer her.
What do I do now? What can I possibly say? Am I supposed to tell her the truth? Because I honestly don’t think that I can. I’ve gotta think fast. Do something about this to make her smile again. He can’t do this to her; to us.
“Soon, beautiful,” I lie through the pain that I’m feeling inside. “She’ll be coming home really soon, I promise.” She brings her gaze back to meet with mine, and I notice that her eyes have suddenly brightened. They’re holding that same sparkle that’s usually forever present within them, and I wince, pulling her back closer to me again, this time holding her with regret.
I’ve just given my daughter false hope and made a promise that, deep down, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to keep.
Chapter Six
For the past five minutes I’ve been leaning up against her bedroom door, just watching her in her peaceful state. She looks just like her mommy when she sleeps. Her lips are slightly parted and she’s sleeping on her left side, with her left hand tucked in-between her beautiful face and the pillow.
It didn’t take long for Holly to fall asleep tonight. She looked so contented lying in my arms, with hers placed lightly across my abdomen, her face nestled against my chest. When her breaths became heavy, I decided to stay with her and wait a little while longer. I wanted to make sure that she was fully asleep before setting her comfortably back down on her bed and moving away.
Once I’d placed a feather light kiss on her cheek, I took a hold of her checkered pink and white blanket and wrapped it tightly around her body so that she’ll stay warm throughout the rest of the night. I guess that’s one of the things with living in Seattle. The weather isn’t particularly great at the best of times, but it’s definitely feeling a little chillier tonight.
I shake my head and briefly close my eyes when my thoughts drift back to reality, wondering if Alexis is alright wherever she is, hoping that, though she’s away from us, that somehow she’s still safe. Do you think that he’s taking care of her? That maybe, somewhere deep down inside and underneath all of his evil, he’s making sure that she’s keeping warm? What if he isn’t? What if she’s out there in the dark, cold night without even as much as a blanket?
I inhale a sharp breath while reaching over to switch on Holly’s nightlight, and when I see her nuzzling her face against her pillow some more, I start to make my way out of her room, quietly pulling the door closed behind me before making my way downstairs.
The living room is in complete darkness when I reach the first floor, the kitchen fully illuminated. I head down the hallway, take a small step inside the dining room and when I look over to my right, I see Rach rummaging through the refrigerator.
“Hey,” I say, sliding my hands inside the back pocket of my pants while glancing all around me. “Where’s Paul and Diane?” I ask, my gaze landing on the wall clock opposite to me. Shit. I must’ve been upstairs longer than I’d originally thought because it’s coming up to eight thirty already.
“They left for Salem just under an hour ago,” Rach answers me without turning around. “They went back home to grab some things because they want to be here when … they just don’t want to be too far away, that’s all.” She continues, briefly making eye contact with me as she glances over her shoulder.
Well, it’s perfectly understandable that they’d wanna be here when she comes home. Yep. You
heard me right just then. I’m making it my mission to bring Alexis home before her birthday. You wanna know what’s making me feel so positive and determined about this all of a sudden? Well, I’ll tell you. Holly. What she asked me earlier tonight, well, she should never have had to doubt or question our love for her, and I made a promise. I promised her that her mommy will be coming home real soon, and I’m damn well gonna make sure that I keep it. I’ve only ever broken my word once before in my life, and I fully intend on never breaking it again. Ever.
When I lean up against the wall only a couple of feet away from her, Rach peeks her head around the refrigerator door, and that’s when I see a pen hanging out of her mouth, “What are you doing?”
She reaches up and grabs the pen from in-between her lips, “Making a grocery list,” she answers while nudging the door back closed with her elbow. “I noticed that you are running low on a few things when we made dinner.” She adds as she goes to write something down on the notepad that’s placed on the counter just ahead of her.
“Yeah … we usually do the grocery trip on a Friday. We would’ve been heading over there tomorrow,” I tell her, lifting my left hand up before scratching the back of my head. “Grocery shopping hasn’t exactly been number one on my priority list, you know? I’d um … I guess that I’d better get on that.” I shrug my shoulders, exhale a deep breath, and she immediately starts to shake her head at me, resting her hand softly on my arm as she comes to stand just in front of me.
“No, I’m already on top of it,” she tells me. Of course she is. Even though they’re not related, Alexis and Rach have that same obsessive compulsive thing going on. That’s one of the things about these two women that I don’t think I’m ever gonna be able to understand. “Do you need me to add anything else on there?” She asks, pointing toward the notepad as she makes her way back over toward the counter.
I walk closely behind her, resting my chin in my hands and my elbows down on either side of the notebook. While leaning over to take a look at what she’s already got written down, my lips instantly curl up at the sides from seeing what’s in front of me. Huh. This reminds me of the last time I was headed over to the store without Alexis. We usually go together, but last week she got struck down with a virus, so I took it upon myself to go alone. Sure, she protested and demanded that she was going along with me, but I denied her pleads and started to make the list myself.
In all the time we’ve been together, last week was the first time that I’d actually managed to get myself riled up over a grocery list. I mean, I’m pretty laid back, you know this about me just as much as everybody else, but to be told that I had to write the list alphabetically and in aisle order? Nope. That’s not how we do it when I go to the store. I guess that’s why Holly prefers it when I take her there, just the two of us. Yep. I really don’t think that it has anything to do with the way she manages to bargain for candy or ice-cream each time we go there. Yeah, alright. Maybe that’s her only reason. What can I say? She’s my daughter and she’s learned from the best.
“Could I take that for a second?” I ask Rach, lifting my hand out and gesturing toward the pen. “There’s just a couple more things that we’ve gotta add down on here.”
“Sure,” she answers while passing it over to me, and I can sense that she’s looking over my shoulder as I note a few more items down. “Um … Brandon? Do you really think that it is wise to—?”
“I promised Holly that she’d be home soon,” I interrupt her while blowing out a breath and taking a step back. “I’m not gonna break my promise to her, Rach.” I turn my head to the side and look right at her. She looks as though she’s about ready to argue with me over this, but I know what I’m doing here. She holds her gaze on me and her eyes search mine, though I notice her face beginning to soften. “I can’t.” She nods at me the one time while a small, yet solemn smile starts to appear over her mouth.
“Okay,” she says quietly, breaking the gaze she was holding on me before grabbing a hold of her purse.
“Here,” I reach behind me and slide my wallet from out of my back pocket, but before I have a chance to pass her some cash, she puts her hand out flat, pushing the dollar bills I’m offering out to her back toward me.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she tells me. “I will be back soon, but will you promise me one thing?” I narrow my eyes and watch her as she heads back over to the refrigerator. She reaches up to the top shelf and takes out a dish. “Eat this.” Her voice is stern as she turns back around to face me, and when I look down, I see that she’s holding a plate filled to the sides with homemade lasagna out to me.
When I don’t take it from her, she jabs the plate against my stomach, “I’m not hungr—”
“It has been over twenty-four hours and you haven’t eaten a single thing, Brandon. If you do not want to do this for yourself, then do it for that little girl upstairs who is counting on you to take care of her. It might not matter to you whether you get sick, but she needs you, and now more than ever.” I take a breath and nod, accepting that she’s right. After a brief moment, I lift my hand up and grudgingly accept the food from her, turning myself around to watch her as she walks by me to grab her jacket from off of the back of one of the dining chairs. “I will be as quick as I can and I have my cell if you need me back or hear anything.” She slips her arms inside the sleeves of her cream jacket, untucking her hair and flicking it over her shoulders before adjusting the collar.
“Hey, Rach?” I call after her when I see her heading away, and when she reaches the doorway, she swings back around to face me. “Thanks.” I tell her, and she smiles before making her way out of the room. She’s right as always. Holly’s depending on me and I can’t let her down. Failing her is not an option for me. It never has been and it never will be for as long as I have air filling my lungs.
I do what she asks and heat up the food before taking a seat at the table. Am I gonna eat what’s sitting in front of me? It’s highly unlikely that I am, but at least I’ll be able to tell Rach that I tried if nothing else.
Glancing to my watch, I let out a deep sigh when I see that it’s coming up to nine fifteen. This means that I’ve been staring at the plate in front of me for well over twenty minutes already, just pushing the lasagna around while listening to the rain hammering down harder and harder against the windows. As more and more time passes by, I flick the fork back down before rubbing my hands over my eyes and pushing back in my seat. It’s no use. I wouldn’t be able to stomach anything even if I wanted to.
The house is far too quiet without her. It’s never been like this in all the time we’ve lived here. There’s always background noise, and I prefer it that way because, let’s face it, anything’s better than having to suffer through this deathly silence.
Most evenings after we put Holly to bed, I’ll go and grab myself a bottle of beer and pour Alexis a glass of white wine before we both head through to the living room to settle down for the night. I’ll rest my feet up on the coffee table, watching sports, while Alexis will come to lay beside me, snuggling up close while reading a book or something. She rests her head on my chest and I run my fingers softly through her hair. Then, once the game’s finished, we make love; every night without fail. And, you wanna know something else? Every time with Alexis feels just the same as it did the very first. It always feels special when I make love to her. Always.
Shaking my head as I stand, I grab a hold of the plate and carry it back over to the kitchen, sliding it across the counter at the same time that I hear a crashing sound coming from outside.
I pause for a second before slowly making my way back through to the dining room and over toward the window. Tilting my head to the side, I try to get a good look at what’s going on out there, but all I can see is my own reflection staring right back at me. Yeah, just as I thought. I look like a bag of shit. No. Worse than that. Even though my reflection is faint, I’m still able to see the dark circles underneath my eyes and the two day old stubble acros
s my jaw.
I lean in closer, resting my hand on the glass by my forehead to block out the bright light that’s shining behind me while narrowing my eyes. When I don’t hear anything else, I come to the conclusion that it was most likely the—nope. No, it isn’t the wind.
My heart starts thrashing inside my chest and my jaw steels when a dark figure steps out in the black of the night, drawing closer until his menacing eyes are staring directly into mine.
He came back.
My blood runs cold when his mouth forms into a mocking smile and I head straight for the door because there’s no two ways about it. I’m gonna kill that motherfucker! I grab for the handle and go to pull the door open, but it won’t move. It isn’t budging. It’s locked. My eyes dart down when I go to reach for the keys, but they’re not in there. They’re not fucking there. Dammit!
I try harder. I try harder to get it open, glancing all around me for the keys. Where the fuck are the damn keys? No. No, there’s no fucking time! I sprint back to the window, resting my hands flat on the glass, swallowing hard when I see that his face has now been replaced by a note. I step closer, my breathing erratic as I take in the words that are scrolled across the piece of paper.
Finally I get you on your own.
Head onto the I-5 toward Edmonds.
Keep driving until you reach 3rd Avenue.
15:00 tomorrow.
NO COPS.
Chapter Seven
“I think that I’ve got the last of it,” I hear Rach say and bring my gaze back over on her. She goes to stand back up on her feet, and I see her holding the brush in one hand, the dustpan filled with tiny shards of glass in her other one. “I’ll get rid of this and then make a start in the kitchen.”
“Leave it.” I tell her, my voice tight as I push away from the table and stand. Stepping over the books and the other things that are scattered across both rooms, I make my way inside the kitchen, my legs numb. No. No, it isn’t only my legs that I can’t feel. It’s my whole body. It’s me. I don’t feel anything. Well, nothing but defeat.
Mistaken Hope Page 6
