“Because I know what it means.” Her lips quiver.
Every nerve in my body reacts to her hurt. Why did I say anything? I thought it would reassure her.
“I told you it’s like a bomb.”
I kiss her neck then ask quietly at her ear, “Would you consider a relationship with me? Would you be willing to let me help you conquer your fear of falling in love and the idea that you’ll be abandoned?”
She slumps on her heels and eases out of my arms. “I want something that resembles everlasting love.”
I curl my body around her, my bare skin on hers. “Then don’t overthink it. Just let it happen. You just showed yourself you can do that. You felt so much, didn’t you?”
She twists to face me, her shoulders slumped as she tips her head up. “I felt more than I ever have. I didn’t know that kind of feeling was a possibility. The whole thing. Being with you, letting you touch me like that.” She smiles then bites her lip, something so childlike about it.
“And what about the things you said?” I cover her goose-bumped shoulders with a blanket. “The silent things you mouthed. Did you mean them?”
She brings one hand to her mouth and nibbles at a finger. “That I want you as my first? Yeah.”
My stomach somersaults with excitement. I was hopeful she’d say maybe. I was more sure she’d say no.
“And when do you want that?” I ask.
“Soon,” she blurts out as her stare wanders across my face.
“It might seem crazy to you that I’ve built it all up to happen sometime in the next week or two. I just have to do it that way. My way.”
Hugging her tightly, I say, “That’s okay. I’m just glad you want it to be me. Whenever it is, I’m glad to be that guy for you. And what about my question? Would you want a relationship with me?”
She sits on her heels and pulls the blanket tight around her. Please don’t let her say I’ll be a one-time fuck. At this point, I might agree to it though, my confidence brimming with hope that, if we are together once, I’ll make her mine regardless of her fears.
She cringes. “A relationship?”
Chapter 39
Flying…like a bird
Happy
It was so much more than enough, to be so free. A fantasy I never thought could come to life so easily. As for a relationship? Maybe I can shake my fears off and walk in. Hunt sure does make it seem like I could.
He shoves a pillow under my head, allowing me to study the room while we lie together. I watch the rain pelting the windows. An open book, flipped upside down on the arm of a couch, rests just beneath the windowsill. This place is so interesting, half dead, half alive. Like I was for years. A vase with lifeless flowers is on a table, and a dust-covered chandelier hangs over it, pink crystals hiding under layers.
“Do you dream?” I ask as Hunt rakes his fingers through my hair, his large hand covering my scalp with deep massages. My body is like a noodle when I turn my face toward his chest and smile.
“Every night. You?”
“I didn’t for the longest time, but I’ve begun again. The day my bird died, I had dreams of flying. Isn’t it odd that the day he died, you arrived, and that night I started dreaming again? Odd coincidence.” I yank the blanket up to my chin.
Hunt pushes it down past my breasts, where his fingers are drawing circles. “Yeah. I believe in chance happenings. They give me hope for things, opportunities. I think people come into your life when you subconsciously want things. Maybe that’s bullshit, but here we are.”
“You say subconsciously, but is that what you mean? You don’t seem like a guy who’s unclear about anything.”
“You got me. If I tell you what I want, you won’t go running, will you?” He leans over my chest, his lips closing around one nipple.
I fist his hair and pull him onto me in response. He sucks harder, and I moan. “You can tell me anything you want,” I say after he releases my nipple. “Under one condition.”
“Anything,” he answers. He bumps his erection against my thigh and smiles.
I swing my arm over his body and point toward our stuff. “Can you crack open the wine we brought? Do you mind if we day-drink since it’s pouring rain and we’re naked by the fire and relaxed and you’re fondling me, and now, you’re hard—”
“Crack open the wine would have worked. Guy speak.” He rolls over, stretching to reach the saddle bags.
“Okay. Get crackin’!” I ogle his body and ridiculously sexy position, zeroing in on his beautiful ass, which I have no time to stare at because he turns back over. “I like seeing you naked.”
“Good, get used to it. I like seeing you naked too, and I plan on seeing you naked a lot this week and after this week. And after that one.”
“Uh, oh. Don’t get all Mr. Planner on me, okay?”
He opens the wine, pours it, then clinks his glass to mine. Thunder cracks, and I laugh when he shakes his head and says, “Maybe you don’t want to hear what I want after all.”
“I think I already know, so you’re not getting off that easily. Come on.”
“I’ve yet to ‘get off,’ for the record.” He finger-quotes ‘get off’. “And fine. I’ll tell you. Just take a sip or two first.”
“Okay. Enough drama. Spill it.”
“I’m eight years older than you are. I’ve worked hard to get where I am in my career, and I’m ready to settle down. I want to find someone to share my life with. I want—”
“Yes, I did already know this fact about you. You want a wife and kids. So, is that what you were looking for the night we met? Were you wife hunting?”
Hunt scratches his jaw then yanks a blanket across his lap. For a few seconds, an emotion I can’t read crosses his face.
“Nah. I was just burning some steam off that night. I’d had a big day. Delivered two sets of triplets and Sela had come in for her appointment. I was just looking to have a few drinks and maybe a little something with a pretty girl, but then I met you and things were altered. My perspective, for one.”
I yank my head back when he cups my cheek. Then I down my wine and grab the bottle.
“You look worried. Is it Sela? Most of my past girlfriends are patients, it’s no biggie, okay?”
He’s not my boyfriend, not my anything. Yet. But here I sit, a little jealous. So maybe I do want a relationship. But this piece—I’m not sure what I do with this whole most of my past girlfriends are patients business. Sela and then some?
Chapter 40
Clue~ very tasty *delicious
Hunt
Jealousy, you little bitch, I love you. She wouldn’t be jealous if she didn’t want me for more than just sex. Maybe it’s premature. Maybe I shouldn’t see everything so clearly. But I can’t help picturing a future with her. Happy is more than I could hope for and everything I want in a woman. Imperfectly perfect.
“I’m guessing you’re jealous. And the only reason you could be is because you might be getting invested in our relationship. Relationship. Yeah, I said it twice. You can’t stand the idea of me examining my exes, and it fucking thrills me to no end.”
She crosses her arms over her chest, her wine spilling as she fists the stem and grumbles out a grunt. She’s one second from exploding, and for some reason, it makes me hard for her.
“How’s that wine going down? You went from chatterbox to hush-hush pretty quickly. Don’t be pissed that I called you out on it, but I’m right, aren’t I?”
“I think you were right about your faults. If I recall, pushing boundaries and rushing into things. Maybe the ego thing?” She places her wine glass on the floor, then knuckle rubs her brow.
“Hey, you’re the one who wants to reinvent herself. I’m just offering to help you out.”
She shakes her head. “You’re damn lucky you brought this wine and gave me two orgasms. I’m tipsy and boneless. And yes. Jealous. Good thing I’m trying to trust you. Are you seriously over that relationship with your ex, and certain she’s not carrying
your kid?” Her face is beet red. She’s joking a little, but there’s no question she’s worried.
“Yes and yes. Positive.”
She pulls the blanket, which is loosely draped over her shoulders, across her breasts. “I’m not sure I believe you on either account. How could you be sure it’s not your baby?”
“You’ll just have to take my word for it. Now, shall we move on? Or would you rather I continue to gloat over your blatant jealousy?”
“I’m going to do my best to remember you’re a professional when you examine women and that ex-girlfriends means done. How’s that for brave?”
“It’s a fucking turn on. And that makes me want you more than I already do.” I pull her shoulders against me, throwing her off-balance. Her hand lands on my crotch, and words spill out of me at her touch. “I can’t wait to fuck you. Can’t wait to be inside you.”
“You’re hard? My being jealous made you hard?” She zeros in on my dick as I press my hand over hers, and it’s as obvious as an elephant in a Christmas stocking.
“As steel.”
She falls onto her back and cracks up. “I don’t mean to blue ball you, but I’m not quite ready to have sex yet, Mr. Steel.”
I toss the blanket over her legs, then drag it up her front. “No pressure, I promise. How about lunch, are you ready for that?”
Rain pelts the windows in sheets, and they rattle in response. Sharp cracks of lightning illuminate the tree tops, painting the sky with moments of vivid color.
I cover her hand with mine then smile widely. Last night, I thought I’d ruined everything. And, now, she’s ruined me. I kiss the edge of her smiling mouth, and run my fingers through her hair and trace a line down her arm. Our fingers entwine, and I bring them to my lips. She rolls to her side and kisses my fingers as I kiss hers, our tongues eventually meeting.
“I love kissing you,” I tell her. “Feels like you’re the only woman I’ve ever kissed. Feels like I know you so well.”
“I think you’re getting to know me pretty well since I’ve bared it all. Well, almost. You haven’t had me yet.” She blushes as she smiles then runs a hand down her face, one finger landing in her mouth.
“Yet. I like the way that sounds.” I kiss her neck, her cheeks, her breasts. “I want to tell you something else about me since you’ve been so honest.”
She grabs my cheeks, her eyes assessing me. “You’ve held back on me?”
“I wasn’t completely honest about where some of my flaws come from.”
“You can tell me anything,” Happy says in a soothing interested voice, calming the guilt that blooms in my stomach as it always does in regards to Hugo.
“Part of the reason I have what I call the hero disease is because I had a younger brother who died, and it was my fault. I’ve tried all my life to make up for it. I’ve tried to help heal everyone or anything I come across. Maybe to a fault. I don’t think I became a doctor just because of my family. I think I saw it as redemption. Every time I deliver a baby, I see one face: my baby brother, Hugo.”
Happy wraps her arms around my chest and presses her lips to my skin, peppering it with kisses. “I’m so sorry.”
“Maybe we’re more alike than I’ve admitted. Hugo is with me constantly. He guides so much of me I sometimes wonder if, when he died, he didn’t slip inside my soul so he’d never leave this Earth. It sounds like a blessing to be so compassionate, and mostly, it is. But some of my decisions and the way I want to fix everyone aren’t always healthy. Sela is my latest example. But my aspiration to alleviate other people’s pain is so great that I’ll do most anything to help them.”
Happy presses her forehead to mine, then places a small kiss on my lips. When she pulls back, we share a small smile that says she understands me and isn’t going to judge me. “What happened? Can you tell me how he died?”
I clear my throat, digging my fingertips into the back of my neck, a film of sweat beating my hand there. Happy reaches for my hand and twines her fingers with mine. “I was a helicopter brother. Hugo wasn’t quite two. I was ten. I followed him everywhere, helped him do everything. He came down with a cold one summer and cried a lot in the middle of the night. So I camped out in his room with my sister Helen, who is deaf, and five years older than me, but shared the same connection to Hugo. When he cried, I took him out of his crib and rocked him back to sleep. A nighthawk trying to catch moths hit his window one night while I was holding him to calm his cries. I watched the bird writhe as it lay on the sill, and it made me panic. I needed to help both of them. I couldn’t put Hugo down to help the bird, but I thought I could save it, help it somehow. Helen was dead asleep when I tried to pop out the screen with one arm as I held Hugo against my body. Hugo’s cries got louder when I jostled him around, so I pressed him against the blanket on my shoulder until his cries stopped. I pushed the screen out and was able to get the bird. I didn’t realize, until Helen jostled us hours later, as I sat in the rocker with the dead bird in my hand and my lifeless brother on my shoulder, what I’d done to him.”
Chapter 41
Let it go
Happy
Wrapping my arms around Hunt in a deep hug, I whisper at his ear, “That’s heartbreaking. Now I do understand you more, of course you want to save people. I’m so sorry that happened, and that you still carry some guilt.”
“It was a long time ago.” He pulls away, a small smile filled with sadness and recognition on his face.
“But it still hurts?”
“Of course it does. It’ll always hurt.” He looks over his shoulder as a massive crack of thunder shakes the windows. “It’s part of why I am who I am. Good and bad. But I’ll be honest, it’s also why I keep most of my relationships, even ex-girlfriends. Just as friends of course. I can’t seem to say goodbye. I seek out people I can help. I like when people need me.”
“Because it helps you…saves you a little each time? Lessens your guilt?”
“Yeah.” He kisses my forehead.
I want to cry for him. “And is it why you want a family so badly?”
“Yes,” he answers. “It is in part. I’m ready to be a father…a husband.”
But, when our gazes meet, his eyes hold a sadness, something filled with guilt and pain. What is it, and why won’t he say something about it?
“Tell me more about why you want a baby,” he says. “And why you want to do that alone?”
“We’re not so different, you and I. I suppose I’m looking for redemption too. I want more in life than just me. I want a child to pour unconditional love into. I want to be forgiven by giving someone life, odd as it sounds. But my reality is I don’t need to sleep with a man for that.”
“You just need sperm.” His tone is cold. Then he looks away, and it feels like his entire spirit has left the room.
“Sorry if it sounds a little harsh. People get pregnant every day with no thought at all. I’ve put a ton of thought into it.”
“We really might be two peas in a pod.” He crashes onto his back and runs both hands down his face.
“You’re confused,” I say as I tickle his ribs, hoping to find him. “It’s patch. Remember our first night?”
Hunt tucks his hands under his head, the bulge in his arm muscles popping out and turning me on all over again. “How could I forget that night? I made you smile.”
“Wasn’t it the other way around?”
“Yes, Happy. You did make me smile. You still do.” Hunt wraps an arm around my shoulder when I nestle under his arm. “You like me, don’t you? When did that start?”
“When you saw how scared I was to be examined and you plugged in my Christmas lights and wore them over your shoulders. What kind of man does that?”
“One who wanted to help a nervous, lovely woman who happens to keep a string of lights in her purse at all times.”
How did I miss it? Hunt wanting to save everyone. Tender and strong, tenacious and stable. But could he be everlasting? My brain crisscrosses with thoughts as I
study his long, stretched-out body. Signs everywhere, as if Hunt is laying a trail of crumbs for me. So maybe I could be his eternal love.
He reaches over my body and drags the saddlebag holding our lunch toward us.
“Why did you bring me here?” I ask as he unwraps lunch while I drape wet clothing over close by chairs and move candles closer to us.
“Because I want you to trust me.”
“Well, it’s working. But I mean, why did you bring me here? Really?”
“Because it’s as if life eighty-sixed you, and I don’t like that. I want to tell that feeling you’re having to kiss off. Because I want you. All of you. Including the stuff you decided didn’t make the cut after Sebastian pulled that shitty stunt and punted you into a different universe. That place where you’re alone and feeling undesirable. And where you’ve committed a bigger crime than he did. Self-abandonment. Now, that’s a true sin, girl.”
I sit cross-legged, my back facing the fire, a blanket wrapped around me as I nibble on sandwiches and fruit. “I did, didn’t I? That is a worse crime. I left me. Fuck, I did.” I chomp on a fat strawberry, the juice spilling over my lips chased by Hunt’s thumb.
He sucks it off, and I turn it into something dirty.
“I like me,” I tell him. “I didn’t mean to do that. It just sort of happened when I freaked out after they died. I died a little too that day. Death might have been his end, but it was a beginning to my personal hell. I don’t want that part of me dead. I want to be worthy of loving someone. And I know, if I can’t love me, no one else will. The second I saw this place, I thought you were showing me a mirror.”
“A fucking gorgeous reflection.” He leans over and gives me a long, slow, berry-tasting kiss.
When he pulls away, my mouth feels naked. I really am coming to the surface for air to breathe again. It’s so life-affirming. I’m not sure how I existed without it, or him.
“What are you thinking about? You have a cute, silly grin on your face,” he says.
“Oh, just one more thing that’ll make you wonder why you’re interested in me.”
Of Winged Creatures & Nesting Grounds: (A Quirky, Sexy, Dirty Doctor Romance) Page 18
