‘And you thought you’d come down here and confront them? With a thin stick of wood that would shatter as soon as it made contact with something hard, like a human skull?’
‘It was all I could find quickly.’ She eyed him defiantly.
‘You seriously thought you could cause damage with this thing? You know the house is armed to the nth degree, right?’ he rebuked gently. ‘If I really had been an intruder, you should have stayed upstairs, locked the doors and called the police.’
‘And let them come and get us? No chance,’ spluttered Evie. ‘Although you really need to have a rounders bat or a cricket bat hanging around. That would have been a lot better.’
‘You didn’t think that it might just be me?’ He chanced another attempt at coaxing her out of her fury. ‘It is my house.’
‘Apparently so,’ Evie ground out, furiously refusing to be placated. ‘Yet you abandoned me here.’
‘Abandoned?’ he scoffed. ‘That’s a bit overdramatic, surely?’
‘Abandoned,’ Evie repeated angrily. ‘You beat a hasty retreat to your safe haven of the hospital the minute things got a little...muddied here. It didn’t exactly fit with you dragging me from the security of my family with the claim that my recovery here would be better than it would have been with them.’
Max folded his arms across his chest, ready to argue with her, before realising she had a valid point. Or, more accurately, another valid point. He had wrestled her from her brother’s house claiming he would take care of her and Imogen. And he had left her alone when he’d come on so strong. But he’d assumed that would be what she wanted.
‘I thought you’d prefer some space,’ he managed, less certainly now.
‘You left me here, with no word as to where you were or how long you’d be there. When you’d return here, if you’d return here. I have no one I know around me, and it was just Imogen and I for the last few days. And you think I preferred that?’
She spat the accusation at him as he stood, dumbfounded.
‘You knew I was at the hospital, though. And I asked Edina to make sure you were okay.’
‘Oh, yes, your cleaning lady. Thanks for your concern,’ Evie choked out sarcastically.
Max hesitated. He had been concerned. More than he’d cared to admit. But he’d thought Edina was the most neutral party to check Evie’s welfare.
‘After...what happened, I assumed you’d prefer me not to be around for a while.’
Evie opened her mouth, then blew out hard.
‘You assumed wrong,’ came her eventual clipped response. ‘It’s quiet here. And lonely. I’m used to the bustle of family. You should have asked me, checked with me.’
‘You’re right,’ Max acknowledged.
She was hurt, he realised with a jolt.
It was an eye-opener. He’d expected Evie to be furious with him for coming back so soon. But he hadn’t considered she might be hurt that he’d left her alone in the first place. Abandoned her, as she’d put it.
She didn’t even seem to care about what had happened that night before he’d left, apart from her initial dislike of him dismissing it as merely a misstep.
‘Do you want a coffee?’ he asked gently. ‘A tea?’
‘Geez, Max,’ she grumbled, but the initial heat had dissipated from her voice. ‘It’s so early it’s still practically the middle of the night. I’m going back to bed.’
‘Right.’ He swallowed abruptly as she stomped back up the stairs and he noticed her attire for the first time. A strappy vest did a poor job of covering generous curves, whilst light pyjama bottoms followed the contours of her bottom.
He dragged his gaze away but the heat was already suffusing his body.
He was in serious trouble. One tiny indication that she might not be as immune to him as he’d first thought and his resolve was crumbling again, faster than a chocolate sunbed on a sunny beach.
This was shaping up to be more of a roller coaster than their fling had been, and all he could hope to do was hold on and see where the ride took him.
* * *
‘So, that brings us to section six: Sex after transplantation.’
A low groan of objection escaped Evie’s lips and she shifted uncomfortably in the consultant’s office chair.
After her humiliation of the other day, and their cringeworthy row earlier this morning, the last thing she wanted to do was to discuss the intimate details of her libido whilst sitting a foot away from the man who stirred said libido but who couldn’t have been less attracted to her.
‘I really don’t think we need to go into that now.’
Undaunted by her lack of enthusiasm, however, her nephrologist shot her a smile as she slid a pamphlet across the coffee table separating them.
‘Evie.’ Arabella Goodwin cocked an eyebrow at her. ‘We’re all adults here and, whilst I appreciate you and Max kept your relationship impressively discreet whilst you were working between here and the centre, we do nevertheless need to consider the fact that you clearly have a healthy sexual relationship.’
‘Oh...no...we don’t...that is, there is no...relationship.’
‘I do understand you don’t want to be part of the rumour mill, Evie,’ the woman cut in, not unkindly, ‘but I also understand that you have a daughter together, and therefore we really do need to cover this material as part of your post-operative care. However, please rest assured that nothing said in here will leave my office.’
‘No...it’s just...’ Evie tried again, her cheeks stinging with humiliation as she felt unusually flustered. She wanted to look to Max for support but was concerned that he might not wish to be dragged further into it. Besides, she couldn’t bring herself to meet his gaze. As a doctor she might have asked similar kinds of personal questions without thinking twice, but it was very different from discussing her own sex-life with former colleagues. And, again, there was that little issue of doing so in front of Max.
As if reading her mind, Max shifted in his own seat and cleared his throat calmly. She waited for his icy tone to set his colleague straight once and for all.
‘Please, Arabella.’ His voice was controlled, polite. ‘As you say, we kept things discreet when we were colleagues but, yes, we have a daughter together. Do continue.’
With a squeak of embarrassment Evie snatched her hand away from the pamphlet.
She snapped her head around, no longer too ashamed to look him in the face, only to be met with his steely gaze. Clearly he wasn’t encouraging—what threatened to be a deeply intimate—conversation for his own entertainment or to make her feel any more humiliated than she already did. But his expression was unreadable. She was going to have to go along with it, for now, but she made a mental note to challenge him just as soon as they were alone again.
Not that that was a particularly thrilling prospect at this moment, either.
‘Thank you. Let’s start by noting that there are many factors which can influence sexual desire after transplantation, not least a patient’s self-confidence.’
With a whoosh of breath, Evie resigned herself to the inevitable conversation, which already had her feeling as uncomfortable as she had when, as a teenager, she had been caught with her boyfriend at the time by her bumbling stepfather, who had subsequently attempted to have The Talk. She reached subconsciously once more for the pamphlet as Professor Goodwin continued.
‘During the pre-operative period, especially when on dialysis, there are obviously more toxins around the body, which might have influenced your physical health. But also going through the process of dialysis could understandably have made you feel less confident in yourself?’
There was an expectant lull and Evie realised with a start that she was expected to offer her personal experience here.
Oh, joy.
She cast a surreptit
ious glance at Max, but he was steadfastly ignoring her, focused on the nephrologist. She twisted the pamphlet in her hands, buying herself a few more precious moments. With her palms sweating she felt more like an adolescent than a woman, and a doctor to boot.
‘It’s not exactly the...sexiest thing, being on dialysis, is it?’ she mumbled.
‘So you experienced a loss of sex drive?’
Her whole face felt as though it were on fire. This was excruciating. How many times had she replayed their wild, sensual explosive five nights together, just to get through the last year?
‘Not exactly a loss, no.’
Both Max and the surgeon sat—one waiting stiffly, the other waiting patiently—for her to carry on. Clearly they weren’t about to let her off the hook. She saw Professor Goodwin, glancing down at her lap, pucker her eyebrows. Following the surgeon’s eyes, Evie finally noticed the shredded pamphlet on her own lap.
Giveaway or what?
‘I know this isn’t the easiest conversation to have, Evie. But understanding what point you’re at both mentally and physically, in terms of your sexual needs, is an important part of the recovery process. Which is why it helps to acknowledge where you were before the transplant and where you hope to be post-transplant, as your recovery progresses.’
Evie jerked her head into something resembling a nod, working her tongue into a response.
‘It was a difficult year,’ she started, falteringly. ‘My renal deterioration was quite rapid, especially being pregnant with Imogen, and I went from feeling completely healthy eighteen months ago, to needing dialysis five times a week during the last few months of carrying Imogen.’
‘So which do you believe had the greater impact on your sex drive? The physical drain of the pregnancy and dialysis, or the psychological effect of them?’
‘I don’t know.’ Evie tapped out some unknown tune on the wood as she stalled for time. ‘A bit of both, I suppose.’
‘And can you remember...? When was the last time you wanted physical intimacy?’
This was the question she’d most wanted to avoid. Especially here, in front of Max. A fresh wave of heat flooded her cheeks, but what choice did she have?
‘A few days ago,’ she muttered awkwardly.
She felt Max’s eyes burning into her neck, and kept her gaze resolutely forward.
‘Hmm, you’re currently...’ Professor Goodwin checked her notes ‘...eleven days post-op, so that’s very positive. And did you actually have physical intimacy?’
Evie shook her head.
‘Was that because of a lack of energy? Because the desire waned? Or something else.’
‘Something else,’ Evie managed.
‘Right?’ Both a statement and an encouragement to continue.
Evie chose to ignore the latter. She couldn’t bring herself to tell anyone, least of all in front of Max, that it was because her attraction wasn’t reciprocated.
So she flailed around in her head for an alternative explanation that might sound convincing, but nothing came.
‘Evie...?’ Arabella urged gently, smiling kindly as Evie could only stare helplessly at her.
Evie opened her mouth but nothing came out.
‘Let me get another of these for you.’ The surgeon stood up unexpectedly. ‘I’ll be back in a moment.’
Evie watched her leave gratefully. Clearly Arabella Goodwin was not only a good surgeon but a compassionate individual. This was a perfect excuse to give Evie and Max a moment together, and Evie a chance to compose herself. The woman couldn’t have known that Evie could easily have clung onto the woman’s immaculately tailored suit and begged her not to leave herself and Max alone in the room.
As the door closed with a soft click Evie stared into her lap, waiting for the inevitable questions.
‘You’re still...attracted to me?’
He actually sounded surprised, and a little put out, and for a moment Evie forgot her embarrassment. She jerked her head up to stare at him. The man did look in the mirror, didn’t he?
‘Yes,’ she answered slowly. ‘I can’t help that you don’t feel the same. My kidney...situation is hardly a turn-on, but you don’t have to act as though I’m so completely undesirable as a woman. You were attracted to me, too, once.’
‘Is that what you think?’
‘That you were attracted to me?’ Evie was confused.
‘No—’ he actually clicked his tongue at her ‘—that I don’t find you desirable.’
She barked out a humourless laugh.
‘I think the fact you walked out on me the other day, whilst I was lying practically naked on the bed, is pretty much all the evidence I need.’
‘Because I thought I was taking advantage of you,’ he exclaimed in a low voice. ‘You’re only a week post-op. A major op, I should add, and you needed my help to even wash your hair in the shower. And there I was, reacting to you. I thought you felt somehow...obligated to me.’
Obligated? Evie’s head raced. No wonder he’d looked so disgusted. But not at her, as she’d assumed. At himself.
A bubble of happiness wound its way up inside her chest.
‘So you don’t find me undesirable? Unattractive?’
‘I think our curtailed week last year makes it clear just how desirable I find you,’ he refuted, his voice thicker than usual.
But any response died on her tongue as the door opened up again and the surgeon walked back in.
So, Max had wanted her?
Had he really walked out because he was disgusted at himself, wanting her the way she’d wanted him? Had he really stayed away because he hadn’t been sure he could control himself around her and not, as she had surmised, because he had abandoned her?
She chanced another look at Max, who was now also toying with the pamphlet the nephrologist had placed on the table.
A grin played at the corners of her mouth.
She wondered if it was time for a bit of fun. Everything had been so serious lately. Fears weighing so heavily on her, between her own health and Imogen’s. And the shock of finding out he had a daughter must have been incredible for Max. But what if they could rediscover some of the fun they’d once shared? The wild side they’d seen in each other during their brief fling.
Yes, the sex had been incredible. But they’d also had fun, laughing and joking in such a way that any outsider would have thought they were in a relationship rather than just indulging in a brief fling before Max disappeared overseas.
Was it possible? Or was it a foolhardy idea? There was only one way to find out.
It was like a switch clicking in Evie’s brain as a cheeky thought slid inside.
‘I didn’t lose interest in sexual intimacy.’ She met her nephrologist’s eye boldly. She couldn’t risk looking to her side. ‘I still thought about it, even if I didn’t have the opportunity I’d had before my daughter was born. I thought about it a lot, in fact. Especially in the beginning, and then again in the last week before my operation.’
When she’d moved in with Max. Let him work that one out. In her peripheral vision, she could see his head twisting around to look at her, but she didn’t dare acknowledge him for fear of laughing.
‘That’s interesting,’ her surgeon noted, oblivious to the significance of the statement. ‘And did you feel able to act on it?’
‘Not really,’ she answered honestly. ‘Having an infant isn’t exactly conducive. And then there was the dialysis as we talked about before. Although they weren’t the only factors.’
‘And how do you feel now?’
‘Now?’ She affected an air of nonchalance. ‘I feel very much back to my old self already.’
‘So where does that leave us?’ Max’s deep voice reverberated around the room.
Evie twisted her head around.
A wry smile hovered on his lips as his eyes narrowed at her. He’d clearly decided two could play at that game. She felt a kick of pleasure low in her abdomen, rippling down through her core.
‘Let me be clearer,’ he added robustly. ‘Is Evie ready for us to be intimate again? Is that normal?’
‘Well, for the most part, I’d say that’s entirely up to Evie.’ Arabella smiled. ‘And I hesitate to use words like normal, Max. You know as well as anyone how differently patients can bounce back after any operation.’
Evie could practically feel the anticipation warming her skin. It felt good. She felt alive in a way she hadn’t in a very long time.
‘But in your case,’ the surgeon addressed Evie again, ‘where you had a willing donor and therefore didn’t have to wait for your transplant or spend too long on dialysis, it’s a very positive sign.’
‘I see,’ Max growled.
‘So, Evie, you’ll probably find you feel ready for sexual intimacy sooner rather than later. And I really would encourage you, if you do feel well and want to resume intimacy, to start exploring it together as a couple.’
‘Together,’ Evie echoed confidently. ‘Got it.’
‘However, we do advise you to avoid penetrative intercourse for four to six weeks after your transplant. This is purely to allow the incision site time to heal and not to do with causing any kind of damage to the transplant itself, you understand.’
Oh, no, that had to be a cruel joke, right?
‘Don’t let that put you off exploring your changing libido as a couple, however. Many people get confused and think that sex only refers to the actual penetrative act of intercourse. However, lovemaking can include multiple things.’
‘Such as hugging? Kissing? Touching each other?’ Evie asked, beginning to enjoy herself.
‘Exactly.’
Evie might have known not to underestimate Max.
‘And what about more than that?’ His low voice rumbled through her chest, winding a hot path down. Lower and lower. Images of his tongue skilfully caressing her until he brought her to orgasm filled her head, and a shaft of heat shot through her.
‘Again, that’s entirely up to you. As long as it isn’t too vigorous and therefore doesn’t put too much strain on the incision whilst it’s knitting.’ Professor Goodwin leafed through her notes. ‘And once the four to six weeks are up, be aware that fertility in a woman, post-transplant, can increase and, whilst oral contraception can be taken, we would recommend using the barrier method.’
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