The nurse said, “Hold her close to your skin. That way she knows you’re her mommy.” Lee did as instructed, holding the baby to her chest and kissing her damp forehead. She held one of the petite wrinkled hands in her own, gazing at the miniature fingernails and then back to the round newborn eyes, which hadn’t moved from Lee’s face. Lee shushed the baby, her baby, rocking her and kissing the top of her head. “Don’t cry now, we’re all so happy to see you.”
Lee looked up at Tommy. His eyes brimmed with tears and he murmured something in Spanish as he touched the top of the baby’s head. Ellen, on the other side of the bed, sniffed and patted Lee’s shoulder, “You did good, girl, really good.”
The nurse took the baby from her and put her on a scale that looked like a bigger version of the one Billy used at the restaurant. “Six pounds, nine ounces. Now all she needs is a name.”
* * *
It was morning when she awakened to the antiseptic smell of the clinic’s recovery room. She lay back onto the pillows, wincing from the pain in her groin. Tommy was asleep on the cushioned bench next to her bed. Ellen rocked and cooed to the baby, who was wrapped in a pink blanket and cap. Lee watched them for a moment, swallowing the lump in her throat. Ellen looked up and came to the side of Lee’s bed. “How’re you feeling?”
“A little sore, but better.”
“You ready to feed her?”
“You think she’s hungry again?”
“She’s rooting around for something over here and I had to tell her that ship’s long since sailed.” Smiling, Ellen placed the warm bundle in her arms. Lee stroked the small features before opening her hospital gown, guiding the mouth that looked like a rose petal onto her breast. The baby clamped on and sucked, her cheeks moving in nature’s patterned rhythm of suck, suck, breath. Ellen clucked and patted Lee’s shoulder. “I knew you’d be a natural. Your father was giant, almost ten pounds. Did I ever tell you that? He had a cone head the whole first month, but this one’s so petite her head just came out perfectly round. To me she looks just like your Grandmother Rose.”
“I didn’t think you’d be the gushing type.”
“Well, shoot, she’s perfect.”
“Ellen, I’m terrified I’m going to screw this up. You’ve got to help me.”
“This mean you’re staying?”
She reached for Ellen’s knobby hand. “I can’t leave your pies.”
Ellen’s eyes misted and she pulled the baby’s cap further down her petite forehead. “We’ve got a lot of pies to make up for.”
“Ellen, I’ve been thinking about something. I want to call Dan’s parents and tell them about the baby.”
Ellen nodded, pursing her lips. “I think that’s the right thing to do.”
“She’s going to want to know them. And it might give them a little peace.”
“Having lost my own son, I can tell you that it will. You want your phone?”
She looked at Tommy’s sleeping form and shook her head, no. She’d call them later, after some things were settled.
Tommy stirred and sat up with a start. “Was I asleep?” His eyes darted from the baby to Lee. “You alright?”
“Just tired.”
He jumped from the bench and hovered next to the women. “Is the baby alright? I heard the doc say babies that are born a few weeks early sometimes get jaundice and have to sleep under special lights. Did they check for that yet? What about you? Are you still in pain?” He looked at Ellen. “Has the doc checked on Lee? Should I go get her? Maybe we should give her one of those pain pills the nurses left. Where’s the ice pack?”
Ellen laughed. “Relax, Papa Bear, they’re both fit as fiddles.” She motioned to Lee to give her the baby. “It’s been thirty-five years since I held a new life and I’m going to get my fill. I’ll take her for a little walk around the clinic. Show her off to the nurses.” Ellen left, never taking her eyes from the baby. After the door swooshed shut, it was silent except for the ticking of a clock and Ellen’s footsteps making their way down the tiled hall. Tommy sank onto the bench, rubbing his eyes and scratching the stubble on his face.
“Thanks for staying,” she said.
“Lee, I wouldn’t leave, after all we’ve been through.” Everything about him sagged, the lines in his face seemed deeper and his voice was hollow and sad. “She’s beautiful.”
“Did Ellen tell you what Joshua found?”
“Yeah, she showed me the letter when we were looking for you.” He smiled and raised his eyebrows. “Can’t believe I didn’t see it before.”
“Knowing I was wanted, that he wouldn’t have walked away, well, it’s made things easier to accept. And, knowing about Ellen is better than those fantasies I used to come up with as a kid.”
He flinched and turned towards the window. “I’m glad.”
“Tommy, you’re better than any fantasy I could come up with, too. I know I’ve hurt you and I’m truly sorry. I don’t want this to be ruined.”
He turned to her, sat on the side of the hospital bed, sighing and running his hands through his hair. “All these months, keeping this secret.”
“What would you have done if you’d known?”
“Sold everything I owned to pay him off and if that wasn’t enough, gone after him myself.”
“See, I knew that, and I couldn’t let anything happen to you because of me.”
He puffed his cheeks and threw up his hands. “You’ve got to be the most exasperating woman that ever lived. That’s not the way this works. Love isn’t like your lists. When you love someone there’s nothing you won’t do for them, and sometimes that means it’s a colossal mess. I’ve felt from the first moment I saw you that we’re connected in some kind of mysterious, otherworld way. You fought it instead of giving into it and I couldn’t understand why, until I figured out your secret was bigger than my love for you. You allowed it to be bigger than my love for you. But it was an excuse because deep down you didn’t believe you’re worthy of my love. And that’s where you’re wrong, because you don’t get to decide. Because the way I see you, the way I feel about you—I get to decide that.”
“I know.”
He stared at the floor, his voice soft. “I’ve been miserable without you.” He rubbed his eyes and then looked at the ceiling. “I’ve been going insane. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat.”
“I was too.”
He looked at her. “It can’t be like before. No more secrets.”
She reached for his hand. “It won’t be. I have nothing left to hide.”
He turned his face towards her and his eyes were wet. “I want you to marry me and I want to adopt the baby. I want to be a family.”
“I want that too.”
He brushed her hair away from her face. “You sure? I know you never wanted to live here and I’ll move if you want. I’ll go anywhere you want.”
“When I was a child I felt the landscape here run through me like it was part of my blood or bones, like it fed me somehow during those times my mother broke my heart. When I went to art school, I used to paint it from memory, the bend of the river, the arc of the mountains as the sun set behind them, the hue and sway of the dry summer grasses. When I left here I thought my love for these simple treasures would sustain me but as the years passed I lost that feeling. The emptiness, the difficulty of surviving in this world all alone, it took over. I tried to fill that hole with security, money, order, and with the heat of the anger towards my mother. But I see now that this place and our friends, the work of Riversong, these feed me, these fill me. And, you. Especially you.”
Smiling, he took her hands. “I’ll spend a lifetime making sure that remains true. You have my word on that.”
“Me too,” she whispered. “Always.”
Epilogue
The morning of the baptism ceremony, Lee heard Ellie-Rose howling from the nursery. Knowing that particular cry meant the baby was hungry, she smiled to herself, thinking how desperate she sounded, as if the tiny person thought s
he might never be fed again. Lee padded down the hall and picked her daughter up out of the crib, nursing her in the glider rocking chair Linus had given her. Ellie-Rose ate ferociously while Lee listened to the wind rustling through the firs and the river’s melody mingling with the notes of the winter sparrow. She caressed her daughter’s delicate ear and smoothed the strawberry blond hair over the soft spot in the middle of her head.
After Ellie-Rose had her fill, Lee set the wriggling, grinning baby on the floor of the bedroom while she dressed. They’d decided the only solution that seemed right was for her to move into Tommy’s house and for Annie and Alder to move into her house. Here there were no memories to haunt her sleep. And Annie and Alder loved the transformed home, with Ellen close by to help.
She heard the front door slam and Tommy’s keys drop on the table. He was in the doorway then, sweaty, smelling of lime and the outdoors, watching her for a moment, carefully, like he did. “You look beautiful,” he said to Lee as he kissed the baby on both cheeks. “How’s Daddy’s girl? Have you been good while I was gone?”
He sang in the shower. She held the baby in her lap, closing her eyes, listening to the sweet notes of his voice while breathing in the perfect smell of her daughter’s head. She had no idea she would love a daughter this much. No one had told her it would be this way. She thought of Clive and her cubs then, and sent silent gratitude.
* * *
She sat in the front row of the church, cradling warm Ellie-Rose against her chest. It was a non-denominational Christian church built in the simple style of the Shakers, all clean lines and natural wood. The midmorning light of early December flooded in from the skylights and it smelled of vanilla and lilies that Ellen had grown in her greenhouse for this occasion. Tommy sat next to her, absently playing with his wedding ring and talking in a low voice to the pastor about the details of Ellie-Rose’s baptism.
Dan’s parents, Ralph and Betty, sat in the row across from them. For this, their third visit since her birth, they stayed at Linus’s newly opened bed and breakfast, The Second Chance Inn. This morning, Ralph, back straight, eyes darting around the church as if looking for something to orchestrate, caught Lee’s eye and nodded. Dressed in a dark pink suit, her feet held daintily together, Betty gripped a digital camera. Dan’s sister was there too, without the husband and children, a hint of the former peace she had before Dan’s death there on her face. Last night they’d all eaten at Riversong, passing Ellie-Rose from one to the other, kissing her and making funny faces to get her to laugh. After the dessert, a chocolate soufflé, Betty gave Lee a present to open. It was Dan’s christening gown. Betty’s eyes filled as she said, “I thought it might be nice for tomorrow, but only if you want.”
Lee hugged her. “It would be lovely,” she said.
* * *
Billy, sitting behind Dan’s family, fiddled with his tie and looked uncomfortable in a suit a size too big for him. Cindi sat next to him, chomping gum and swinging her crossed leg back and forth. Mike came in with Ray. Lee smiled at them as Mike reached over to pat Tommy’s shoulder. “Quite a day. Quite a day.”
Ray nodded in agreement. “Glad to be here.”
Lee rested her head on Tommy’s shoulder. He kissed her cheek. She heard someone’s coat scrape the back of the bench and turned to see Annie and Alder take the seats behind them. Ellen and Verle walked in next, holding hands like teenagers. Ellen sat next to Alder and whispered something in his ear that made him giggle, while Verle loosened his tie that looked circa 1973. Linus and John came in next, dress shoes clicking on the wood floor of the church and sitting on the other side of Annie. Linus leaned over the bench, resting his hand on her shoulder. “You three need anything?”
Tommy glanced at Lee and down at the baby. “No, we’re all set.”
The pastor smiled at them as he came up the aisle and took his place at the podium. Ellie-Rose stirred in her sleep, let out a short squeak, opened her sapphire-colored eyes and stared at Lee for a moment before closing them once again and falling asleep, her mouth slack and her little hands splayed on top of the pink blanket.
The pastor asked Tommy and Lee and the godparents, Annie and Linus, to bring the child up to the front. They all rose and joined the pastor. He sprinkled Ellie-Rose with holy water, blessed her, and said a few words.
Lee looked down at the bundle in her arms. Ellie-Rose gave a toothless smile and something in the quality of it reminded her of Dan. She thanked him, wherever he was, for giving her the precious gift of this daughter.
As they were walking out of the church, Lee saw Zac standing at the bottom of the church steps. He approached them, saying, “Hope you don’t mind if I was here. Just wanted to say hello, see the baby.”
Tommy shook his hand. “Good to see you, man. We hear you’re doing great.”
His face was trim, the bloated look gone and his eyes clear. “Came back to get some stuff, see my dad. Don’t know if he told you but I have a little apartment in San Diego, about six blocks from Mission Beach. Got a job at a little surf shop down there. Going to meetings, the whole bit.”
Lee put her hand on his arm. “A surf shop sounds great.”
“Wanted to say thanks, too, for y’know, pushing me to clean up my act.”
“We’re just glad things are going so well,” said Tommy.
Mike came up behind them, kissing the baby, slapping Tommy on the back, hugging Lee. Then he put his arm around Zac. “You ready, son?”
“Yep. Hey, I’ll see you guys around.”
* * *
At Riversong, in the exact moment “The Hick Brigade” raised their glasses to toast their sweet Ellie-Rose with a pinot noir from the Willamette Valley, the sun appeared through the front windows, sparkling in the icicles that hung from the blue awning. Basking in the warmth of that rare December sun, they laughed and talked while dining on Annie’s croissant bread pudding that was warm comfort in their mouths and stomachs. They reminisced about the opening of Riversong and the progress they hoped to make that coming summer in the transformation of their community. All the while, Ellie-Rose babbled from her bouncy seat next to the window, her hands playing in the streaks of sun.
Riverbend
BY TESS THOMPSON
Copyright 2013 Tess Thompson
* * *
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.
Attribution — You must attribute the work in the manner specified by the author or licensor (but not in any way that suggests that they endorse you or your use of the work).
Noncommercial — You may not use this work for commercial purposes.
No Derivative Works — You may not alter, transform, or build upon this work.
Inquiries about additional permissions should be directed to: [email protected]
* * *
Edited by Jennifer D. Munro
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to similarly named places or to persons living or deceased is unintentional.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2013939798
For Jesse James Freeman,
Loyal friend through every bend in the road or river. Thanks for always being there.
Prologue
2003
From their bedroom, Annie waited for the sound of Marco’s boots on the hardwood floor and then the slam of the front door. After this, she watched the second hand on the small plastic alarm clock make its way around the clock five times. She dressed quickly in a long-sleeve shirt and jeans even though it was August and hot. It was habit now, this hiding of her bruises in the daylight. Adrenaline coursed through her body and it was like a drug propelling her forward in spite of her fear that Marco would know she’d left home without his permission. Looking behind her a dozen times, she marched to the bus stop, her mind reeling. What if he came home unexpectedly? What i
f he became ill at work and had to come home? What if he called the apartment and no one answered?
The 310 bus dropped her two blocks from the Planned Parenthood building. It was hard to breathe and she dripped with perspiration under the hot sun as she zigzagged between other pedestrians. She marveled, as she always did, at the diversity of the faces and attire. Other people. How long had it been since she’d been anywhere but the neighborhood grocery store? She couldn’t say. Maybe six months. Perhaps longer. After the last time he’d come home and she’d been out, she decided the subsequent beating wasn’t worth it. She would stay inside and cook and clean. This was her life now. There was no way out.
Her hands shook as she filled out forms in the tan and orange lobby, waiting her turn. She didn’t bother to look around at the other young women waiting. There was nothing to see in the other women’s eyes she couldn’t see reflected in her own image. Women without funds, without insurance, without choices.
The forms asked her the question no one had asked in her isolation. “Are you in a safe environment at your home?”
She marked the box: no.
The River Valley Series Page 29
