“Seriously?” Rachel said with a laugh. “You don’t bother to question why zombies are able to dig themselves up, attack us, fire your gun at you, and even talk, but a walking skeleton has you perplexed?”
I put up my hands in surrender. “Fair enough.”
She was right, but so what? There was something about skeletons that just seemed dumb. Zombies I got. They were creepy, stinky, scary looking, and downright gross. Skeletons though? Come on.
“This entire thing is stupid, if you ask me,” Rachel whispered. “Some old asshole reanimating corpses and skeletons and doing other stupid shit. Don’t people have better things to do with their lives than mess with everyone else all the time?”
She was acting more annoyed than usual.
“Something wrong?” I asked carefully while sitting at a stoplight. She gave me a dull look. “I mean beyond the obvious.”
“No.”
That was a lie. She was chewing her lip. That was a tell that I’d seen for years.
“Come on, Rachel, spill it.”
“I’m fine.”
Her trademarked arm-cross betrayed her statement.
“You’re obviously not fine,” I replied. “I’ve known you way too long and…” I paused and my jaw dropped open. I’d seen that look before. I’d seen it many times, in fact. “Oh shit. You’re jealous.”
“What?”
“You’re jealous of Priscilla,” I said as the realization continued sinking in.
“I am not,” she argued, though not very convincingly. “You have way too high an opinion of yourself, Ian.” She snorted. “Ridiculous.”
“If you say so,” I said, unconvinced.
“What kind of name is Priscilla anyway?”
“Ah ha! I knew it!” Then I realized I was coming off a bit too enthusiastic. While I longed to poke at the wound, I decided to back off. Toning it down, I said, “Sorry. I’m just rarely right in these types of discussions.”
“You’re still not.”
I aimed for a different angle. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, you know. You could easily order up an incubus for hire. I’m sure they’d be just as solid in the sack as I am…in a manner of speaking.”
“They’re not,” she replied and then slapped herself on the forehead.
“Oh, no way,” I said, fighting to keep my eyes on the road. She was just feeding the fire at this point. “You’ve tried?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Too late. Who’d you get? Someone from the Incubus Cartel or was it a solo artist?”
“It’s really none of your business, Ian,” she said sharply. “I’m not discussing this with you.”
“Okay, jeez,” I replied as if I’d been slapped. “I’m just trying to help.”
“How is making fun of me helping again?” I didn’t reply. “How would you like it if I started asking you questions about your ‘Priscilla?’” She said the name using finger quotes.
“That’s actually her name and she really exists,” I said with a squint.
“So?”
“So why’d you use air quotes?”
“What are you talking…” She groaned a second later. “Oh. I don’t know!”
I didn’t want to push her too far, but I couldn’t resist. She teased me about things all the time, so a little turnaround seemed like fair play. Therefore, I donned my Ian’s-an-asshole-cap and I pushed forward.
“She called me by my nickname, you know.”
“You mean ‘douchebag?’”
“Ha. Funny.” It was, actually. “No, I mean the other one that you used to call me back when we were allowed to be intimate.”
I let the thought stew for a minute without saying a word. She was probably digging through her memories in the hopes of figuring out what I was talking about. The anticipation was killing me.
Finally, she said, “I don’t recall using any nickname with you.”
The bait was floating before her and she was eyeing it.
“Well, it’s been five years so you probably just forgot.”
“No, I wouldn’t have forgotten something like that.”
“It’s not a big deal,” I said, waving off the point while knowing that my casualness would entice her to bite. “Anyway, back to the skeletons…”
“I would remember if I called you a nickname, Ian,” she said with a hint of menace, signaling that the hook had indeed been set. “I remember all of the other names I call you quite well.”
“Again, it’s not a…”
“What’s the nickname you’re talking about?”
“Seriously, Rachel, we don’t have to go there.” Oh, how I so wanted to go there! I was reeling her in now. “Let’s just stick to the case.”
“Fine,” she said and then turned in her chair. “No, it’s not fine. I never called you by any damn nicknames while we were having sex.”
I fake sighed. “Yes, you did.”
“What then?”
“The same one Priscilla used,” I replied. “You both said it repeatedly.”
“Well?”
We pulled in to the Davis Memorial parking lot and I shut off the car. I then undid my seatbelt and turned to her.
“‘God,’” I said matter-of-factly. “As in ‘Oh god, oh god, oh god.’”
She punched me in the head.
Chapter 19
“Ouch,” I said while rubbing my head as we stepped out of the car. Thank goodness her punch wasn’t hard enough to make me hit the glass. “That wasn’t nice.”
“You deserved it,” she said, looking like she was fighting to hold back from laughing. “‘God?’ Please.”
“You said that a lot, too,” I teased as I walked around the car, but quickly jumped out of striking distance.
We began scanning the area for skeletons. I didn’t see anything, so I assumed they were further in on the graveyard.
Before starting to search for them, though, I decided to see if I could spot Shitfaced Fred.
“Everyone, listen up,” I called out through the connector, “I know we’re here to confront skeletons, but keep an eye out for the wacky necromancer. And let’s not leave Warren alone this time.”
“Thanks, Chief.”
We split up and began a slow comb of the graveyard until we caught sight of rail thin bodies milling around in the moonlight.
Skeletons.
Now, I’d be the first to admit that I wasn’t heavily versed in wizardry, but I had my moments. If Fred was in the area he’d probably be connected somehow to the light that he was using to raise the dead. If I was right, nobody’d note it; if I was wrong, I’d never hear the end of it.
“Griff, can you see that light thing Fred uses to raise the dead?”
“One moment.” We all stopped. “Yes, I see it.”
I took a breath. “Wouldn’t the wizard have to keep some kind of connection to it?”
“Not bad, Chief,” Warren chimed in, giving me more credit than I’d expected. “Griff, if you…”
“It ends at the hedges to our left,” Griff interrupted while pointing. “He may or may not be there, though. It all depends on the level of magic he’s using.”
I could only hope that he was there. Maybe we could take this bastard out tonight and be done with all of this. My first thought was to just annihilate Fred and stop this trickling zombie apocalypse, but I had the feeling that the Directors would want to get some intel from him.
“Can you guys think of a way to trap him without killing him?”
“Not likely, Chief,” Jasmine replied first. “He’s pretty powerful.”
“I would agree with that assessment,” stated Griff.
I nodded as we continued moving forward. “Rachel?”
“Griff and Jasmine are right. We either nuke him or he gets away. I’d vote the former. I’ve got enough fire to torch the prick thoroughly.”
Obviously, she was in favor of attacking at the moment. It probably had something to do with my teasing her
in the car. I had that effect on people.
“Warren?”
“I could probably work something up, Chief,” he replied, “but it’d take a fair amount of study and preparation.”
“No time for that, I’m afraid.”
The first of the skeletons noticed my arrival. This was clear because they spun on me as one, just like the zombies had.
“All right, gang,” I said while pointing at the suspected location of Fred, “go ahead and nuke the bastard.”
The mages unleashed hell at those poor bushes while Felicia, Chuck, and I fired at the skeletons.
They were harder to hit than the zombies because they were literally bone thin. Worse, when we did connect, any bone that was struck just flew away. So if you caught a rib, it’d disappear along with a few others, but the rest of the body would stay intact. The problem there was that it didn’t impede their movement at all. Blowing away a finger or an arm wasn’t going to stop a skeleton.
I adjusted my aim and said, “Target their legs.”
That worked, mostly. They were still able to crawl toward us, but they were no longer running. The legless ones anyway.
At first, the skeletons seemed like a much more effective weapon than the zombies because of the complexity of “killing” them. They were hard to take down, requiring multiple bullets in the process. But then one of them made it through and got to me. It put its arms around my neck and just stood there clacking its jaw.
“Uh,” I said as the others kept firing at the mass of skeletons. “What’s this thing doing?”
“It looks like it’s trying to dance with you, Chief,” Warren suggested. He then stepped over and pulled the skeleton away and threw it on the ground. “Oh wow, they have no strength at all.”
The skeleton went to get up, but Warren stepped on its chest and reached down, popping its arms and legs from their sockets. He’d done it like it was nothing. It was a bit gross, truth be told.
“Yes!” He did a fist pump. “Finally something I can beat the crap out of.” He then turned to Chuck and Felicia and yelled, “Stop firing! I’m going in!”
He rushed into a mass of skeletons.
The three of us stood there with our mouths agape as Warren went completely ballistic. I’d never seen him like this before. He was ripping their limbs away with a maniacal laughter that was borderline insane.
“He’s lost his mind,” Felicia said.
We all nodded.
“Did you know he was capable of that, Chief?” asked Chuck.
“I really didn’t.”
In the distance, my three mages were shredding the hedges where the light was attached. The magical mayhem hitting the area was enough to wipe out a band of ogres. They clearly weren’t taking any chances, which told me they felt Shitfaced Fred was even more powerful than they’d been letting on.
Seeing that Warren had this situation under control, I decided to run over to help apprehend what was left of the necromancer.
“Stick with him,” I commanded Chuck and Felicia. “Just in case.”
As I approached the mages, I was getting the feeling that they had done more than enough to kill Fred. The hedge was a wreck, being pummeled with fireballs, ice shards, and energy blasts. It was amazing that it was even partially intact.
“Okay, guys,” I yelled over the cacophony of magic, “I think you got him!”
“Can’t stop!” Rachel cried back.
“What?”
“Another virus,” Griff croaked.
“Oh, shit. What do I do?”
Griff struggled to face me, though his hands were still unleashing streams of power at the hedges. “Knock us out,” he grunted through the connector. “Quickly.”
“But…”
“Do it.”
I jumped behind them and gave three quick chops to their respective necks.
They all collapsed and the magic stopped.
Chapter 20
Serena was using her healing touch on them after they’d come to. I felt somewhat guilty about hitting them all, but they appeared grateful.
“It was either that or we died,” Jasmine noted somberly. She groaned. “This Fred guy is really advanced.”
Rachel nodded. “And he’s doing this without demon batteries like Reese had.”
“Precisely.” Griff was rubbing his neck while waiting for Serena to get to him. “The fact is that we are facing a wizard who has learned the intricacies of warfare in a manner we are unaccustomed to. We must tread carefully going forward.”
“Thanks for that obvious assessment,” I said and then winced. “Sorry, Griff. Anyway, it seems that this time Fred wasn’t looking for the skeletons to take us out. He was trying to figure out a way to destroy you three instead.”
Rachel looked up. “Why do you think that?” She held up her hand. “I mean, I know he was trying to wipe us out, but why do you think the skeletons were nothing but a diversion?”
“Because Warren-the-skeleton-slayer shredded them,” I answered soberly while pointing at our resident wizard. “He didn’t even use a weapon.”
The mages all turned and looked at Warren. He was all smiles.
“I couldn’t believe it either,” I continued. “It was like watching one of those Kung Fu movies where the little guy kicks the crap out of a bunch of dudes.” I had to give Warren his due. He had stepped up and fought like a madman. “You did a great job, Warren. If we’re ever faced with an army of skeletons again, you’re going to be our go-to guy.”
I walked over to the burning hedges to give them a study. The likelihood of there being additional traps left behind by Fred was low, but I didn’t want to risk it. I had enough magical capability to be naughty, and it would be embarrassing to die from incessantly firing embers. My crew would surely save me before that eventuality, but it’d take a while since they’d be rolling on the ground in laughter. Just in case, I kept my distance and used my enhanced vision.
Sitting on the opposite side of the hedge was a small box that had a slew of glyphs drawn all over it.
“Warren?” I called out, waving him over. He drew near and I pointed it out to him. “What’s that?”
“Rune box,” he answered as he started to move toward it.
I grabbed his arm. “Not so fast, Slayer. It could be boobytrapped, right?”
“Oh, yeah,” he answered with a surprised look. “I didn’t think of that.”
You’d think that the one guy who has to study and heavily prepare for doing magic would have enough sense to use caution when faced with something like this. Warren was a man with two speeds: Slow and fast. He either took his time or he knee-jerked.
“If it is a trap of some kind,” I said slowly, “would you have any idea as to how it could be disabled?”
“We need someone without magic.”
A few minutes later, Chuck stepped out from behind the hedge holding the box. He moved to a clearing so that he and Felicia could work on it while Warren gave them instructions from a distance.
It seemed that Shitfaced Fred was quite the tinkerer. Not only had he instigated a power siphon against my mages, he integrated a bomb in the box that would be triggered by any magic-user who touched the damn thing. And it was more than likely there’d be another explosive connected to just opening it.
I was starting to really dislike our necromancer.
“Carefully unhinge the bottom panel,” Warren instructed Chuck while Felicia held on to the main box.
“The bottom?” asked Chuck.
“Yes,” Warren replied. “Don’t let it fall off. There are probably a couple of connectors holding it. You have to disable the negative side first or it’ll go boom.”
“And which one is the negative side?” Chuck asked as the bottom gently slipped free.
“It’ll have the symbol for negation on it.”
“Algebraic or wizard?”
“Huh?”
“The symbol. Are we talking algebra here or is it something specific to wizardry?�
��
“Oh, good point, Chuck,” said Warren. Then, “It’s the wizard one. So it’s a small circle with two lines coming off it like horns.”
“You wizards are so strange,” I noted.
Warren smiled genuinely. “Thanks.”
“Got it,” announced Chuck.
“Okay, that should be it. Just disconnect it completely and throw it aside.”
Chuck did. No boom. Phew.
“Is it safe now?” asked Felicia, looking up at Warren hopefully.
“Yes.”
Everyone let out a collective breath of relief. Felicia set the box down as Warren moved over to study it more closely. He was saying “hmmm” and “huh” a lot.
We left Warren to his studies so we could check on our mages.
Serena was still getting them back to normal, but they were looking pretty rough. Between Fred’s magical siphon and my karate chop, I’d be surprised if they’d be back to one hundred percent any time soon.
“How are you feeling?” I asked Rachel as I knelt next to her and rubbed her head. “You look like hell.”
“Thanks.”
“You know what I mean.”
She smiled weakly and put her hand on my arm.
That’s when we heard a beeping sound.
Faster than any normal could manage, I jumped to my feet and ran to Warren. I cannoned into him while simultaneously pulling the box away and launching it across the compound with all of my might.
It landed with a thud.
Nothing happened.
“Ouch,” said Warren while rubbing his shoulder. “What did you do that for, Chief?”
I was confused. That sound had been coming from the box, right? It had to have been.
“That beeping,” I said as I helped him back to his feet. “Wasn’t that the box?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, good.” At least I wasn’t losing my mind. “I thought it was going to blow up.”
He gave me a funny look and knelt down to pick up the pieces that were still sitting there.
“Nah, Chief, it was just a…”
And that’s when the box exploded with enough force to blow the crap out of anything within five feet of it.
Grave Creatures Page 7
