by Lainey Reese
She had sat there with her stomach churning, while he’d sat on that witness stand and cried. Looking at her with his perfect hair and perfect blue eyes overflowing with tears, while he’d begged her to forgive him.
Well, she hadn’t forgiven him, but the jury had. They’d seen it as a terrible and tragic mistake— an accident. No prior trouble of any kind for him and no other girls had come forth during the trial to show any pattern, so the jury had let him go.
“He didn’t get off completely scott-free. He lost his scholarship and had to leave school.”
“Yes but his parents were rich and just put him in another school.”
“Was that something you could control?” the doctor asked in her calm voice.
“No.” Knowing that she couldn’t have changed anything didn’t help her feel any better.
“Cami.” She leaned forward and placed her elbows on her knees, giving her an earnest stare, as though compelling Cami to really listen to what she had to say next. “This creep took something from you that you are never getting back. He took it in a brutal and unforgivable way. He stole that from you.” She paused for a moment that stretched until Cami could hear her own heart beat. “What I want you to ask yourself is: how much more are you going to let him steal from you?”
“I’m sorry. What?” Cami was more than a little baffled.
“Think about that. You date, but it’s never for very long. The men you’ve been brave enough to have sex with, you pushed away almost before the sheets cooled. You close yourself down sexually, especially in the fall and you can count on one hand the number of orgasms you’ve had.
“He did this to you five years ago, and I guarantee he walked away after that trial and went on with his life. You need to decide that you are going to go on with yours and not give him, or his actions, even one more second of it.”
Cami fidgeted and dug deep inside herself. There were things she felt, things that scared her to even think about, but the doctor was right. She needed to stop living like this. Stop living in this darkness and come into the light of day. She needed to face those fears if she ever had a chance at overcoming them.
“It’s just that—” She took a breath and mentally grabbed her courage with both hands. “It’s just that I only date guys who don’t scare me.” She peeked up at the other woman through her lashes.
“Go on.” There was knowledge and acceptance in her eyes that Cami took hope from.
“They don’t scare me, but they don’t excite me either. I try to find gentle men. Kind ones, you know? The ‘hold the door for you’ and ‘wait for you to make the first move’ kind. But, I just feel cold when they touch me. Empty, and honestly, bored.”
“Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. Is that why you break up with them so soon after you’ve had sex? Because they’re boring in bed?”
“Well, yeah.” Cami felt like her face was on fire and was sure she was red as a beet right now. But it felt good to be finally airing this. She felt like she’d just uncorked a bottle and all the fears were gushing out, freeing her. “Before Mark, before that night, I liked the guys who were kinda dangerous, you know? I know it’s super cliché for the good girl to lust after the bad boys, but that’s how it was for me. You know that movie Fatal Attraction, with Michael Douglas? I watched that one scene, when he and the psycho shrink go back to her place and tear into each other, over and over again when I was a teen.”
Dr. West was getting animated; Cami thought she looked like she wanted to get up and pace the way she shifted in her seat. “Cami, I have been waiting for you to get here for years. Keep going. You’ve almost got it. Tell me, what did you like about that scene? Why that one and not one of the others?”
Cami swallowed, afraid to say it, but more afraid not to. “Because he shoved her around, and ripped off her clothes. Because he forced her.” The last was a barely audible whisper and the root of her shame.
“No!” Cami startled at the sharp crack of Dr. West’s voice. “No. Cami, listen to me very carefully. This is vital that you understand this point. That scene was about consent. Aggressive? Yes. Primal and a little mean? Yes. But rape, it was not. They both knew what they wanted. They both enjoyed what happened. And frankly, that scene was hot as hell.” That surprised a laugh out of Cami, and Dr. West sat back to look at her with an indulgent smile.
“Cami, I think it’s time you and I start discussing your true nature. I think you are finally ready to face the truth of who and what you are.”
“What do you mean? What am I?”
“Cami, honey, you’re a sexual submissive.”
Cami felt like she should snort or shrug that off some way, but instead she felt herself nodding.
“Do you know what that means? To be a submissive?”
“Yeah.” Cami shrugged and fidgeted in her seat as she felt the heat of a blush wash over her cheeks. “I mean, I think so. I’ve read about them a little, you know, in romance novels and stuff.”
Dr. West leaned forward and braced her elbows on her knees. “What do you feel when you read about submissives, Cami?”
“What do you mean?” Although she was afraid she knew the answer to that already.
“Do you feel a connection with the women in the stories? A sense of belonging or rightness? Or, do you find yourself put off by their actions and what is being done to them?”
She had to take two deep breaths before she could summon the courage to face this question honestly. “I felt connected. Completely. I always wish it were me.” Cami swallowed and felt a panic attack building that she valiantly tried to hold at bay. “But that’s wrong, right? That’s awful. Do I want those things because of the attack? Is that why you think I’m a submissive now? Did he make me one?” Tears filled her eyes as she voiced the fears she’d been running from for years.
Cami hadn’t realized she’d closed her eyes until they flew open when her icy hands were engulfed in Dr. West’s gentle clasp. “No, no I don’t believe that. Lots of survivors of violence go on to have what is considered vanilla sex lives. The attacks don’t change their internal makeup or desires in almost all cases. Just as I believe your attack didn’t change yours. From our years together, and all that I’ve learned about who you are, I can say with full confidence that you are a submissive and you are one, not because of what happened to you, but regardless of it.”
“If you hadn’t been attacked, you would have discovered this about yourself naturally. You would have probably had a couple of normal relationships before you started exploring. It is too deeply ingrained in you for you to have ignored it for long. But, because of what happened, you’ve run from that nature. You’ve buried it. I’m just glad that you are now ready to explore it.”
“But, how can I be like that?” Cami felt the confusion and shame whelming up as tears filled her eyes. “How can I want to be pushed around and beat on or whatever after what happened to me? And if I do like that stuff, why didn’t I like when he did it to me? Was I asking for it really and then just didn’t like what I got?” That last humiliating thought had been haunting her for years and to speak it out loud, for the first time, was like a knife in her heart. Cami covered her face with both hands and cried softly into them.
“Cami.” The doctor’s voice was soothing and full of compassion. “There is a huge difference between BDSM and what was done to you. You had no control in what happened to you, you were taken against your will and you were hurt out of cruelty. In the BDSM community, that would never happen. Every single person in that lifestyle is supposed to live by a code of honor. Safe. Sane. And consensual. There are safe words that a submissive has that are there for them to stop any activity, at any time, completely. The Dominant may be handling the whip or meting out some other pseudo-punishment, but the person who has the true power in any Dom/sub relationship is the submissive. They can halt everything by simply uttering a single word.”
Cami dropped her hands and felt the cold and exposed wounds within her start to heal. L
ike the sun was shining on her dark places for the first time, and that warmth brought the promise of peace.
“Being a submissive is more than you think. It’s more than just sex for people that have it as deeply ingrained as you do.” Dr. West smiled kindly at her and Cami sat a little straighter, as there wasn’t judgment in her expression or revulsion, only the same calm compassion that she’d always shown. “Hit the internet. Research. Not just fiction, but look for actual active groups and also read some articles and non-fiction books on this lifestyle. Explore this part of yourself and embrace it. Take back your life Cami. Take back the joy you would have had if this had never happened.”
October, today, New York
“Evan.” Evan’s assistant Tanner stuck his head in the door. “You got a visitor. You got time for a break, or should I have her come back later?”
Evan looked up from the spreadsheet he was studying. His mind was jumbled with percentages, costs and gross vs. net profits, so he almost told Tanner to send the visitor away out of hand.
“Who is it?” he asked instead, checking his watch. It was barely nine in the morning, so he was curious as to who would come calling so early in the work day.
“Zoe Hollister.” A smile broke out on Evan’s face and he was glad he’d asked first.
“Send her in, Tanner.” As he was pushing up from his desk, Zoe came tumbling into his office as bubbly and happy as a puppy.
“Evan!” She was stunning in her beauty. Raven hair and impossibly large blue eyes. She had a figure he knew, in intimate detail, was worthy of a mythical goddess and a rich sensuality that could bring lesser men to their knees.
She was also filled with an exuberant and precocious personality that spread joy wherever she went. Zoe was on her way to becoming a veterinarian, and with her boundless energy and her love of all things furry, it was the perfect fit for her.
“What a nice surprise, pet.” He caught her in a hug and held her close for a brief moment as pure affection filled his heart and brought warmth and contentment to his otherwise stressful morning.
“I am so sorry to interrupt you at work, but I just had to talk to you alone.” As she stepped back and he guided her to one of the leather seats facing his desk, he saw her smile falter. Rather than sitting back at his desk, he took the remaining seat and held her hand.
“What is it, Zoe?” He braced himself against letting his mind jump to possibilities and waited as she gathered her courage and her thoughts.
“Well.” Zoe smiled and straightened her shoulders as though bracing herself. “I wasn’t sure how to do this, so please forgive me if I’m stepping out of line or breaching protocol or something.”
“You know you don’t have to stand on formalities with me, Zo,” Evan assured her and gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. “Go on. Just spit it out.”
“Well, I’ve become close with someone I met through Brice. I can’t tell you details about her, because that would be her story to share, or not, but I can tell you that she is a sub.”
Evan made a ‘come on’ gesture with one hand and felt his shoulders relax. This was familiar territory for him. He was a Dom, so he was not surprised at the subject. To say he was relieved that this wasn’t bad news concerning her or her husband, one of his closest friends, was an understatement.
“She approached me and Terryn about this almost a year ago now, and we’ve been coaching her and answering all her questions about the lifestyle.”
“That’s very nice of you girls. I couldn’t think of more qualified teachers for her. She’s a lucky girl.” Evan smiled at the picture in his head of the two little subbies teaching this fledgling the ropes and preparing her for what was ahead. “Where do I come into this, sweetheart?”
“Okay.” she braced her shoulders again and Evan was having a hard time keeping the smile off his face. She was so worked up over this, and so far she hadn’t told him anything to cause this level of anxiety. “I need you to seduce her.”
“Oh, there it is.” Evan sat back in his chair in shock. Now he understood her nerves. “Zo, what the hell? Do you mean you want me to top her for a scene? Or take her on as my sub for a while?”
“No.” She shook her head emphatically. “This would be easier if I could tell you everything, but I can’t. The main problem is that she knows that she’s a sub, but she’s nervous. She’s scared to try. Evan, she has been studying for months about this. She knows more than Terryn and I put together, but she won’t do anything about it. She has been to the club as an observer only. Gage and I have scened for her on several occasions and Brice and Terryn, too. Brice and Terryn even invited her to join them to help her ease in to it, you know? So, she can experience it for herself with people she loves and trusts. But she won’t. She gets right to the edge of saying yes and then she chickens out.” Evan nodded, but he thought she was so caught up in what she was saying it wouldn’t have mattered to her if he hadn’t. “Well, you would think because she has gotten so close to Terryn lately that she would have at least said yes when she offered to let her come play with them, right? I thought for sure that would be the ticket, but no. Not even that.” Zoe stared at him in frustration for a moment then concluded with, “So you see, it has to be seduction. Otherwise, she is never going to get out there. And she needs to, Evan. It’s time, I know it is. She is ready.”
“Zoe, pet.” Evan shook his head at her. “I understand what brought you here, but this isn’t the answer. You can’t force someone to take this step. They have to make it when they decide they are ready, not when someone else thinks they are.” He held up a hand when she opened her mouth in protest. “Now, listen. Hear me out. You know this type of relationship is all about open communication and trust. Those lines get crossed, and you got nothing but danger. Seduction doesn’t have a hand to play in that game. Seduction is illusion and coaxing and subterfuge. The exact opposite of what a BDSM relationship stands for.”
Zoe wasn’t daunted. “How about if you just meet her? What if you came to her place tonight? She runs this great tavern, fantastic food, good music and a really warm atmosphere. It would be a perfect place for you two to meet, because since it’s on her turf so to speak, she won’t feel as vulnerable. Then, after you get to know each other and she sees how great you are, you can tell her you’re a Dom and everything will be perfect.” Zoe was so taken with the idea that she slapped her hands together and started to get up as though to leave.
“Whoa there, Zo.” Evan chuckled and placed a restraining hand on her shoulder to keep her in her seat. “If you think that settles things, you got another think coming.”
“Please, Evan. Please?” Her big blue eyes welled with tears and he felt his resolve crumble under the impact.
“Dammit.” He ran a frustrated hand over his scalp. “I tell you what. I’ll go to her place and meet her. But only if she knows I am coming, and she knows I’m a Dom. Understood?” Her quick nod wasn’t convincing so he added, “I mean it. I refuse to ambush this girl, Zo. Besides, if this were to turn into something and she found out it started under false pretenses, it would demolish any chance we had at establishing trust between us. You know that.”
“I know.” Her sigh was full of defeat and frustration. “It’s just so terrible to see her suffering.”
“Suffering?”
She looked up in panic. “Oh, well, you know. Because she’s a sub, but she’s scared to leave the nest, you know?” Evan could tell she was backpedaling, but he let that go. She had told him more than once there was more to tell but that she was not at liberty to discuss it. He was intrigued and wanted to question her, but he knew that would be unfair, so he stood and helped her to her feet. “Text me the address and the time she’ll be expecting me. I’ll meet her, but I’m not making any guarantees. You’ve heard the old adage ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink’? Well, you can lead a sub to a whipping bench but you can’t make them bend over it. She’s going to have to make that choice all by her l
onesome and there’s nothing you or I can do about that.”
“Of course.” Zoe leaned in and hugged him tight for a second. “I didn’t even think about the way it could have come across as a broken trust until you pointed it out. She’ll know who and what you are before you even step foot in there, I promise.”
“He’s not stepping foot in my place, Zoe!” Cami was horrified and not to mention mortified. “I can’t believe you went to some stranger and told him I wanted him to come beat on me.”
“Honey, you’re overreacting a little, don’t you think?” Ziporah rubbed soothingly on Cami’s arm. “Zoe told you she didn’t give your name or any details about you specifically. She is only trying to help.”
“I know.” Cami tried to pull the panic back in and think things through rationally. “You’re right. I’m sorry I snapped at you, I just don’t think I’m ready to take that step yet.”
Cami heard both Zoe and Ziporah sigh over that and she cringed when Ziporah said, “Yes you are. It’s time, Cam. It’s time.”
“Cam,” Zoe said in a soft and gentle voice. “I’ve scened with Evan. He is the one and only Dom that Gage ever let touch me, so that says something, doesn’t it?” Cami shrugged a little and Zoe went on. “He’s freaking gorgeous, too, if that helps. Almost as tall as Gage, really great body, these amazing green eyes that just laser beam you and he’s bald. Not bald in a creepy comb-over way. Bald in a– used to be a swimmer who was dedicated and fierce, oh my God he’s freaking beautiful–way.” Zoe tried a smile on her, but Cami was still reeling and wouldn’t be charmed. When Ziporah laid her head on Cami’s shoulder from behind, Cami reached back and cupped her hand on top of the other woman’s silky hair. “I am just so scared of doing this alone. And of doing it at a club with a bunch of people watching, too. Why am I such a basket case? And how in the world is it possible for me to want something so much when it scares me this bad? This feels just like it did when you took me on my first roller coaster, Z. Remember how terrified I was?” When Z smiled and nodded, Cami added, “And then remember how you couldn’t get me off the thing after you finally got me to try it? But, this is different, this is the biggest roller coaster in creation and I feel like I have to ride it all alone with no safety harness.” She huffed in disgust at what she saw as her own shortcomings. “If only you were a sub, too. Then I wouldn’t have to do this alone. We could do it together.”
