by Brindi Quinn
But there was also something else that was different about ‘this time’.
This time, I could sing.
“The sky’s tears come, pour over me,
Fill this place with water sweet.
The sky’s tears come, pour over all,
Fill this place with glory’s fall!”
Yes, this time, I could sing, and when I did, I poured all of that crazy mess of swirling emotion – disappointment, confusion, betrayal, disbelief, sorrow, love – into the rainsong, and the result was anything but what I’d expected.
The ariando I produced was frighteningly intense.
In no time at all, the rain started to fall. But it wasn’t gentle or cleansing in any way. Quite the contrary, it came down like the sharpest arrows, piercing sharply and brutally into the ground. In response, the land sizzled where touched by water – an acidic scorching from some untamed and untapped power. The force was surely powerful enough to kill a man, but thankfully, none of the drops struck us.
I wasn’t trying, but the ariando knew, possibly from some subconscious command, where to send the searing rain, and from where to restrict it. As if taking on a will of its own, it chased after the retreating dargons until every last red eye had disappeared into the potholes.
With the threat of enemy completely gone, the rain halted, leaving no dripping remains. The night sky was immediately clear, and there was silence, filled only with the pants of our exhausted group. They were still running, though the threat had passed.
“How the heck did ya pull that off?” came Grotts’ voice.
Rend’s pace slowed.
“Miss Heart, that was . . .”
I wasn’t listening. For once, I wanted to escape into the darkness. I wanted to disappear into the fatigue produced from using all of my power at once. I wanted it to take me, so that I wouldn’t have to face him. I didn’t want to face anyone.
I got my wish, for just then, everything went pitch black.
~
I awoke to murmurs. My head and body ached, and I was in a small bedroom that smelled like pine and was lit with firelight.
“But I simply do not see how that can be.” Scardo’s voice slipped beneath the closed door. “Mngh! Nothing makes sense any more!”
“As I’ve asked you for days now, oh favored one, why would I lie about something like th-”
Where is this? Someone’s home? It’s cozy.
“Get out of my way!”
Heavy footsteps followed the Daem’s sudden order.
Ardette?
It all came rushing back to me, faster than a flash or a blink or a twinkle.
Ardette! He knew. He’d seen everything. He’d seen the past. Only he really knew.
The door swung open with a forceful thud, and then his arms were around me. They were safe and soft and comfortable.
“Ardette,” I muttered. Keep me safe.
“I will,” he whispered before shouting back through the open door, “False alarm!”
You did it again? You intruder.
But for some reason, it didn’t bother me as much this time.
“Upset, are you? I promise it wasn’t by choice. I was ripped out of you, more or less.”
It’s fine, I guess. I really don’t feel like talking aloud now, anyway. But . . . Ardette?
“Hm?” His face was buried in my hair. My face was buried in the pillow.
Please tell me, before anything else, please tell me the truth. We’re you that ‘Daem boy’? Please. Don’t lie.
“My, my, how racist of you.”
Please. I was trembling.
He sighed. “No, Aura. It wasn’t me. I wasn’t there on that night, or any night, for that matter, but . . .”
But?
“But,” – he sighed again – “my brother was.”
You have a brother?!
“I had one. Actually, you met him before they erased your memories.”
I was surprised, but there had been too many other shocking things for me to really react as I should have. I still didn’t feel like talking, but I at least unburied my face.
“Pray tell, what is this? What sort of nonsense are you spewing to yourself over her unconscious body? This is a new level of perversion even by your standards.” Rend was leisurely leaning against the open doorway.
“Piss off, Rend.” Rarely was he so blunt with a woman. “Go look after your husband.”
She stomped away.
Keeping his voice as low as he could, he turned back to me. “His name was Sowpa. Don’t ask me about him now.”
Why-
“Don’t. Worry about your own problems. That one brooding in the corner of the adjoining room, in particular.”
I don’t know how to face him. I don’t know what to do. I’m overcome with feelings of betrayal, but at the same time . . . is he even guilty of anything?
“Why, my cherry pit, of course. The scoundrel deserves to be punished. He’s caused you any grief you’ve suff- Dammit. Don’t cry like that.”
I wasn’t shedding tears, but I was crying. Ardette was the only one to know it, though.
“If only I could say otherwise. Wouldn’t it be great if I could say otherwise?” Ardette cringed and shook his head. “But alas, he’s as hurt as you are right now. He doesn’t know what he’s done, and to me, it looked like he was under Pietri’s orders. I’d say if anyone’s to blame, it’s that old geezer. Whatever your boy is, it seems it’s what he was raised for.” He tucked my hair behind my ear. “Now, you tell me, can someone be blamed for something like that?”
I liked that way of thinking. It pushed away the negativity just a little.
Is that what you really believe?
“Of course not,” he said dryly. “Honestly, I hate the guy. But what matters is that it’s what you believe. Isn’t that right, my cherry?”
What I believe? Something to be said for perception once again, eh?
“Something like that . . .” His voice trailed off, and his eyes trailed down my neck.
Such a piercing red gaze made me shiver. I shouldn’t have had that reaction, but I did. He’d brought me from the depths of oblivion, and how could I thank him for that, not to mention he was yet trying to cheer me up. Always trying to cheer me up, make things better, keep me company. He truly was one of the most selfless people I’d ever encountered even if he’d never appear that way to anyone else. Being so close to him was dangerous. The small something liked it. It liked the intimacy. If I wasn’t careful . . .
Ardette, I’m sorry. You deserve better than dealing with the mess that is me. You know, you’re a really great friend – the best kind – and I just . . . I have nothing to give you in return. I can’t even undo the chains-
“What’s this? Those sorts of sentiments really aren’t necessary-”
I wish I’d met you sooner. I wish . . . I wish I could escape the pull of destiny. I wish-
“You are, without a doubt, the most complicated woman I’ve ever encountered. But maybe that’s why you’ve come to affect me so. And you have no idea how alive being affected can make a person feel. That’s enough, for now.”
Thank you.
There was silence until Ardette groaned. “I suppose it’s time I alert the others to your awakening? I’ve already recounted to them all of the charming details that were swimming around in your head, not that they believe much of what I tell them.”
Five more minutes alone, please.
I needed more time – much more time than five minutes, but it would have to suffice.
“How demanding of you.” Ardette started to stand, but I grabbed his sleeve.
When I said alone, I didn’t mean . . .
“Oh?”
A light smile settled on his lips and he kneeled back into place.
“Maybe I’ve a chance yet. How about a kiss to see if your feelings have changed?”
Not in a million years.
~
The five minutes passed far too quickly.
I begged Ardette to stretch it into ten, but it was no use, Grotts came in to make sure that he was ‘behavin’ himself’, and then the jig was up. Grotts alerted the others.
“She has awakened from her slumber?!” came Nyte’s worried cry. “Aur-”
From what I could hear, he was interrupted by someone blocking him from getting to me.
“What are you doing?”
“Pardon me,” said Scardo, “but as the Pure Heart’s protectors, we must clarify whether or not she even wants to see you right now.”
“Or ever,” added Darch under his breath.
Their comments immediately quieted Nyte. In my heart, I was pained.
“Aura!” Kantú burst through the doorway.
I still didn’t feel like talking, so I settled for mumbling.
“Hey, Kantú.”
“Oh! Aura! I was so worried! Is it true? Is what Ardette said true? Was Nyte . . .”
She struggled to finish, but I didn’t want to hear it put into words anyway, so I nodded, putting the question to rest before it was even asked.
“What are you going to do?!” she asked in a squeaking whisper.
I don’t know. I conveyed it as much as I could without saying anything. She understood, for she gave me a sympathetic nod.
“And Kantú, there’s something else.”
“I know!” Her eyes grew wide. “I am special, aren’t I?! I’m a vassal!”
“More like hassle,” I said, my lip curling just a bit. I wasn’t in any sort of mood for puns, but I couldn’t help myself. Anything to push away the impending and inevitable confrontation waiting just beyond the doorway. “The word’s vessel, not ‘vassal’, batty squirrel. And yes, you are apparently that.”
“What’s that mean?” She was far too excited for me.
“I was assuming something to do with the Spirit of In-between. Maybe there’s some kind of connection between Elder Nosrac and Elder Pietri? They sent you to be a vessel so that he could keep tabs on me? I don’t really know, though.”
“But that doesn’t make sense. I mean, my parents were the ones that kicked me out. Have you ever seen a tail as big and beautiful as mine? They did have just cause.”
“Yeah, I don’t know. Too bad your pet is such a stiff.”
“Pew! I know!”
In turn, the rest of them came to hear my own recount of the memories’ events. I didn’t try to cover for Nyte. I didn’t sugarcoat anything. I just repeated it the best I could. It was torturous, knowing that he was on the other side of the wall, listening in, probably suffering with questions of his own. Sinking. I knew that feeling of sinking. I knew that it wasn’t right for me to let him hang, but I didn’t know what to do. It was awkward. And I was so conflicted, and I just didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t want what I’d seen to be true, but it was, undeniably, and I couldn’t change that. I had to cope.
When there was no one left to recount to, Grotts whispered the very question I’d been wrestling with.
“Ya still wanna see ‘im, don’t ya?”
“I . . .”
I what?
“You?” pressed Grotts.
“I-”
“Leave me alone, Daem!”
“What? Can’t take it? Finally being found out for the villain I always knew you were?”
“A villain I may be, but I would never think of running from my sins. If I have committed them, then let me atone!”
Your memories’ ally. It is The Mystress that will pay, not you. It is Elder Pietri that will pay, not you.
But isn’t that just passing the blame?
He was just a kid! He was just a kid and he was ordered. Did he have a choice?
He took ILLUMA!
Illuma wanted to go.
“I would fall on my blade, would it undo what I have done. But it will do nothing! The only way for me to make amends is to return that which I have stolen! I will leave for Farrowel tonight if that is what it takes!”
“Why not fall on my blade instead?”
The clang of metal alerted me that they really had followed through on the threat this time. Without thinking, I bolted from bed and out into the other room, which turned out to be a very quaint sitting parlor. Warm and cozy with quilted decorations and doilies upon its walls and furniture.
“Stop it, both of you! Ardette, what are you-”
But the smirk on his face was enough to tell me that this had just been a ruse on his part to get me to confront Nyte.
My heartbeat quickened when our eyes met.
Upon seeing me, Nyte dropped his sword. It clamored against the floor.
The apparent sadness I’d always seen in his eyes had grown into an obvious sadness. But despite this, his eyes lit up when they saw me. It was a short-lived brightening.
“Miss Havoc,” was all he said before letting that light die and dropping his eyes to the floor in a downcast wince.
I shared in the wince.
The pain I’m causing him.
I was a hypocrite. I’d claimed to be his memories’ ally. I’d claimed that nothing would change no matter what he’d done. So why was this so difficult? I even still loved him. I was excited just seeing him there. I missed him, and yet, I felt guilty continuing to love him after what I’d seen. But really, could he be blamed? Everything he knew was also a lie. He’d fallen in love with me under false pretenses too, but that love was still real, wasn’t it?
“We need to talk.” Scanning the group of eavesdropping guards, I added, “Alone.”
Nyte nodded.
“Outside,” he said in a soft voice.
I followed him out the door, making my steps as light as possible for fear of what might be waiting on the other side. But when we reached the outside, I realized that any fear was unnecessary.
It was night, and we were in a small village. The inside of our lodgings had been cozy, but that feeling carried over into the rest of the village as well. Twenty or so petite stone cottages were set up in a perfect circle. At their center sat a small well surrounded by a smaller ring of rough stone benches. Though it was night, the circle of cottages was bright, lit with escaping light from each home’s hearth. Tiny puffs of smoke drifted from the tops of stone chimneys, accumulating into a gray trail that floated away with the night wind, traveling alongside the slight hum of quiet murmurs that floated about like a nighttime slinker.
“Where is this?” I asked, feeling warm, though the air was chilled.
“The town is called Carpar. We are on the southern edge of Abardo.” Nyte stared into the gray.
Was I using small talk as an escape? Maybe, but that was fine. Until I could clear my head.
“Southern edge?! Really? How long-”
“Over a week.” He did not shift his gaze.
“What?! Really?! It felt like a few hours at most.”
I wandered into the center of town and peered into the stone well. Its bottom was too deep for me to see anything, but the blackness offered respite for my eyes, which wouldn’t look at Nyte no matter how hard I tried to will them.
How? How do I . . . ?
Nyte sat on a bench and buried his face in his hands. He was quiet for several moments. I’d been asleep an entire week, but I wasn’t hungry for food; rather, I was hungry for air. I took the still opportunity to take in my fill, pulling in cool, cleansing air and pushing out the toxic feelings of stagnancy.
After a while, Nyte spoke up.
“Aura, your ad’ai. I fear that you have missed it. While you slumbered, it passed by.”
“Oh? That’s all right. It hardly feels like something worth taking notice of with everything else going on.”
“But I do not feel the same way. I think it is something important. There is something that I wish . . . no. Aura, look at me. We cannot avoid it any longer. We must discuss the things I have . . . The Daem recounted the events, but I admit I do not believe-”
“It was all true, Nyte. You had to have heard me tell it to the others as well.”
>
From the corner of my eye, I saw him cringe. “Yes. Although there is no way for me to properly atone, I selfishly must say these words: I apologize if I have . . . that I have deceived you. I have always known that I am a sinful being, but I did not know the depth of that sin. Hearing the Daem’s recount – it is like hearing the atrocities of someone else, and I-” His voice cracked, preventing him from going on.
I finally looked up at him, unable to bear the distress behind his words any longer. He looked ill, like he hadn’t slept at all during the week I’d been out. There were bags under his eyes and his face was unshaven, and he’d lost a little of that boyish quality I’d always loved, but even so, my first impulse was to run to him, to kiss him, to hold him.
The night breeze blew past him, and his hair swept along his cheeks and ears as he sat hunched with his chin against his wrist.
‘You are, without a doubt, the most worrisome captive I have ever had.’
‘Then, you are going to destroy the world, are you not, Miss Havoc?’
‘Do I seem like an old man to you?’
‘Care to race, Miss Havoc?’
‘A song just for me. I treasure it, Aura.’
‘Walk with me? The thing I wanted to show you is actually over there.’
‘I am yours, wholly and truly.’
‘Eventually, Miss Havoc, I would like you to become mine forever.’
‘This is why I cannot refrain from feeding you my spirit. I want you to have it because . . . I love you.’
Those thoughts made my veins begin to crawl beneath my skin. I wanted to be with him always, no matter what. No matter what. No matter . . .
What are you going to do? Can you live with the guilt of loving him?
Could I?
“Nyte, these are the things I know to be true:” – I took a deep breath and readied myself to let all go – “it was shocking, you know, finding out that you played a role in Illuma’s disappearance. It was so shocking that I didn’t know how to cope with it. I didn’t know how to get past it . . . but really, when I stop and think about it, you were just a child then, and you were under orders from Elder Pietri. At that time, when we first met – can you believe it, in a way, we’re sort of like childhood friends – anyway, at that time, you already had the emulator pendant, so that means that you were already locked into whatever role that is, and . . . ,” – I took another deep breath – “Illuma freely went with you. I saw it all, Nyte. You didn’t kidnap her; you didn’t force her. She just went.
