by Kaye Dobbie
Pete was home from Pucka for a weekend in March, and Hope thought he looked tanned but skinny, as if he wasn’t eating enough. Pete said he was eating like a horse, but they were working them hard. He shared a hut with sixteen other men, and he was learning the basics of being a soldier. He seemed to be enjoying the life a great deal more than anyone had expected, despite the way the Nashos were treated by the regular army.
Joe and Faith took him out for a meal, and Hope came too. Mrs Cantani wasn’t happy when she heard, but it so happened she had a bad cold and was confined to bed. Pete asked Joe to drop them near the creek, and said he and Hope would walk from there.
When they kissed it felt a little bit odd at first, as if they were strangers. So Pete sat down with her and they talked. They talked for hours, and when they kissed again everything was all right.
‘Do you ever think of that day?’ he asked her afterwards, lying with his arm around her, her naked body curled against his.
‘All the time,’ she whispered.
‘Then you shouldn’t,’ he said, lifting his head to look down at her. ‘What happened … I’m paying for it by going to Vietnam, that’s how I look at it anyway. Isn’t that what the Bible says? A life for a life.’
‘Pete!’ she gasped, horrified. ‘You have to come back, you have to—’
He’d laughed and hugged her closer. ‘I’m not saying I’m going to die for that piece of shit,’ he said. ‘I meant I’m going to give two years of my life fighting for my country. I think that’s a pretty good bargain, don’t you?’
Hope hadn’t known she was pregnant then. She was tall and lithe, and any changes she noticed she thought were due to her turning from a teenager into a woman. Ironically, it wasn’t until Pete left for Vietnam that she realised the truth, and then she didn’t know what to do. For a week or two she was in shock.
This time when she wrote to Pete it was privately, without Joe’s involvement. She never doubted he would be happy, and that he would marry her. They loved each other, and that’s what people in love did. She had never thought for a second that by the time her letter reached him, he would be dead.
When Joe opened the telegram, and they learned that Pete had been killed, everything stopped. She felt cut adrift, alone, her happy future receding into the distance.
Mrs Cantani was screaming in the other room—short, sharp screams that pierced the air. When they realised what was happening, most of the guests started to leave, and Faith—who seemed like a grown-up stranger—stood at the door and thanked them all. Hope had run out into the backyard and sat on the old swing, made of half a tyre, which was tied by rope to the huge peppercorn tree.
A life for a life.
She’d sat there, unable to think, unable even to cry, just frozen. That was where Faith had found her.
By the time Faith had managed to persuade Hope to tell her the truth, she had already guessed it. Perhaps, thought Hope, because she’d experienced these changes for herself, and clothing that was suddenly too tight, and morning queasiness, now made sense to her.
Hope wasn’t sure what she had been expecting. Accusations, perhaps, or a family lock-down while they sorted it out. Instead, Faith had wrapped her in her arms so tight she could hardly breathe. And the relief of that moment, of knowing that despite Pete being gone she wasn’t alone, had been like the dull glow in the dawn sky, when you know the sun is just below the horizon and eventually it will rise up and shine on another day.
It was only later, when Mrs Cantani had received Pete’s effects and read her letters, that Hope had learned that the child she was carrying was never going to be acknowledged, not by Pete’s mother, and if she had her way, not by any of his other relatives either. Apart from Joe.
Mrs Cantani had begun the beatification of her son, and there was no place for Hope.
Hope blinked. She wasn’t sure how long she had been standing, staring in the mirror. The girl she was remembering felt like someone else. Her life had turned out very differently from the one she’d expected, and there was no point in wondering what might have happened if Pete had lived. He hadn’t.
One thing she had decided, that day she stood at Mrs Cantani’s door, looking into the woman’s haggard, grief-stricken face. She would never do what Pete’s mother expected her to do, and drag his name through the mud.
There was a knock on the door, and Prue’s voice. ‘Hope?’
She went to open it, before turning back into the room. ‘Nearly ready,’ she said over her shoulder. ‘Now where is my handbag …’
‘Hope?’ Prue spoke again, and there was a note in her voice that stopped Hope in her tracks.
The girl’s face was white, and her mascara had smudged under her eyes, as if she’d been crying and had tried to clean herself up in the lift on the way up here. Although not very successfully.
She launched into speech before Hope could say a word. ‘I’m so sorry. They know about Curtis House. They’ve been there, interviewing the staff. They’ve been digging into the records. Hope, they know.’
Hope felt that sense of being frozen in time, just like the girl on the swing in the Cantanis’ backyard. They knew. They knew!
Prue hadn’t finished.
‘They’ve sent the pit bull to Golden Gully. Her name is Frances Durant and she has no scruples. She’s going to talk to your brother-in-law and your niece. Ken’s behind this. He’s weaselled his way into getting another chance. I told them how w—wrong it was, but they just said,’ she hiccupped a sob, ‘that they were sorry but they’d have to let me g—go.’
The ice was beginning to thaw, probably because her anger was back. Strangers had taken away the story that should have been hers to tell, that didn’t belong them.
What would Joe and Sam think? To be confronted with this news without any preparation, without any warning.
There was a cream-coloured telephone by the bed and she grabbed it up, dialling for an outside line. She remembered Sam’s number from her recent call, and her fingers were surprisingly accurate. The anger was helping, clearing her head. You’ve coped with worse, she told herself. Later, she could have her nervous breakdown, but for now she had to remain in control.
It was Lincoln who answered.
That threw her, but only for a second. This wasn’t the time for irrelevant questions. She was just glad he was there with Sam. Somehow she managed to get the words out, rapidly and concisely, and luckily he was the sort of man who was good in a crisis. By the time she’d hung up she knew the worst, but there was still time to undo some of the damage. And maybe even to make things right.
At last.
Hope began to pack, throwing her belongings into her case, while Prue stood watching her. Her mascara had run again, and Hope thought unkindly that, with her pink hair, she looked like a sad clown. She’d obviously overheard the telephone conversation, so she knew the pit bull had already arrived and made things worse. If she apologised again, Hope thought, she might just have to strangle her.
‘I need to go home,’ she said, slamming down the lid and flicking the locks.
‘To New York?’
‘Home!’ Hope snapped, all at once too angry to try to hold it in. ‘Willow Tree Bend is home, not—not New York.’
Prue nodded several times. The shouting seemed to galvanise her, and she went to drag the case off the bed. It was heavy and she struggled to get it to the door, despite the wheels on the bottom.
‘I’ll drive you,’ she said. And when Hope began to protest she insisted, ‘No, I want to. I need to.’
Arguing was a waste of time, so Hope didn’t. Together they wheeled her case to the elevator and pressed the button to take them down to the lobby, where Prue paid with the Looking Back credit card, at the same time shooting a smug glance at Hope. A moment later they were in her car.
FAITH
November 1969
Sleep took her almost at once. No time to think about anything before she fell into a deep, dreamless slumber.
&nbs
p; It was when Faith woke that her troubles crowded in on her. She sat up, pushing her hair out of her eyes, and saw that she was still wearing her boots. For what seemed like an age she just stared, and then she laughed. The laughter turned to tears, but afterwards she felt better. She could think more clearly, and as she got up and began to get ready for work, she began to plan.
Whatever Kitty might think, Faith could not accept Ray would reject her so callously. Not the man with the gentle eyes and tender hands. When he arrived at the Angel, she would ask him to meet her later, and after he’d told her his news—and she was sure it would be good news, the record company could not help but love his songs—then she would tell him hers. They would sit together and talk about what they were going to do, how they would balance his career with their new family.
Everything would be all right.
After all, he’d asked her to go with him to Sydney, hadn’t he? He loved her and she loved him. Now the time had finally come to make a decision about the rest of her life, and Faith chose Ray and their baby.
As for Jared and Kitty, there was nothing more she could do. She knew Avery was going to use the secret book to charge Dalzell with Melanie’s murder, and then Kitty would be free. Whatever happened after that was up to Kitty, but Faith hoped she would cut herself off from the Angel and find a new life.
‘Faith?’
She’d been making her way up the back stairs to the staff cloakroom when she heard her name called. Lenny had followed her, and he looked as if he had something on his mind.
‘Have you seen Kitty?’
‘Why? Isn’t she here?’ Her ability to deceive was getting easier.
The doorman cracked his knuckles. ‘The cops’ve been here. That bastard Avery. He took Jared away, and Kitty hasn’t come in to work. I tried ringing her at home, but there was no answer.’
He was looking at her and Faith gave an apologetic shrug. ‘Sorry, I heard it, but I was sleeping. Haven’t been feeling so well. That wog that’s been doing the rounds.’
Lenny nodded, still watching her. Ever since he’d been arrested and bailed, he’d been more paranoid than ever. That he was even talking to her seemed unusual—he was Kitty’s friend, never hers.
‘Gaz’s gone too.’
Startled, she said, ‘Gone? Gone where?’
‘Just … gone. Mr Dalzell reckons he’s been part of it all along, telling tales to Avery. “A spy in our midst”, he says.’ And he smiled, pleased with the turn of phrase, and with himself for remembering it.
The name lodged in her heart like a stone. She took a moment to answer him, hoping he wasn’t going to tell her that Dalzell was here now. Hoping he wouldn’t see her.
‘Mr Dalzell …?’
‘He’s in Jared’s office.’ Lenny didn’t even let her finish. ‘Come as soon as I rang to tell him what was happening. He calls me “his man”.’ Faith could see he liked that.
Faith glanced in the direction of Jared’s office and was relieved to see the door was closed. ‘I should get to work,’ she began edging towards the cloakroom.
Lenny watched her with his suspicious eyes, but she told herself he couldn’t know. She just had to act normal until Ray arrived and then …
‘How’s Ray?’
It was unexpected and there was something in the tone of his voice, as if he was enjoying himself.
‘I don’t know, I haven’t seen him for two weeks,’ she said coolly.
‘Funny, isn’t it, how Ray’s always off somewhere whenever the cops come calling. I said to Mr Dalzell—’
‘Lenny!’
It was the captain of the Mezzanine, holding the staff door open, and staring straight at them. He didn’t look happy.
‘You were supposed to help move those tables.’
Lenny hesitated, but in the circumstances he could hardly linger here, talking with her, no matter how much he was enjoying upsetting her. He set off at a half-jog.
Down in the Cocktail Lounge, the girls were huddled together gossiping or speculating, or both. If Kitty had been there she would have torn strips off them. Faith didn’t join them. She began clearing away some glasses that had been left out from last night and then the black Bakelite telephone on the bar rang. No else one appeared eager to get it, so she went over and lifted the receiver.
‘Cocktail Lounge, the Angel.’
‘Faith?’ The voice was familiar.
‘Who—?’
‘It’s Gaz. Look, I haven’t got long. I need to tell you something.’
‘Lenny said you were gone,’ she said, dropping her voice and huddling over the handset. ‘Where are you?’
He made a breathless sound, like a laugh. ‘Never mind that. You said Lenny’s been talking about me? He’s been saying lots of stuff. Whispering in Dalzell’s ear, making himself look good. Maybe he’s planning to take over from Jared.’
‘Gaz—’
‘Listen! I haven’t got long. Lenny told Dalzell that it was Ray who was Avery’s inside man. He’s jealous of Ray, always has been. Until Ray came along he was Jared’s best mate.’
The other waitresses had broken up their gossip session and were wandering over to her. Faith huddled even closer to the telephone.
‘Lenny told Dalzell that Ray was Avery’s informer?’
‘Yeah,’ Gaz sounded tired. In the background she could hear a voice over a tannoy, calling passengers to board. ‘Ray’s back, Faith. He called me this morning to leave a message for you. He said he’ll be late getting to the Angel tonight, but never mind that. Now things are changed you need to get word to him. Tell him to stay away until you know what’s happening with Jared. Ray will need a friend at the Angel if Dalzell turns on him.’
‘I thought Dalzell was going to jail,’ she said.
There was a silence on the other end. ‘That was the plan,’ he said gently, ‘but you just never know.’
‘Faith? Should we open the doors?’
Faith looked past the waitress and saw that the doors were still closed and locked. ‘I …’ Ray was already home, and when he arrived at the Angel he would be walking into a dangerous situation. Gaz was right, she had to warn him. She had to find him and warn him.
She hung up and turned, heading for the cloakroom. She’d need her handbag and her money. Ray might want to go straight back to Sydney. And she’d be going with him.
‘Faith!’ the call echoed after her, but she ignored it. Hardly heard it. She snatched up her handbag from the shelf, and as she turned around, the door to Jared’s office opened.
Dalzell didn’t see her at first, not until she moved, and then he found her. She wondered if everything was written on her face, because she felt as if it was. Guilt and fear and desperation.
‘Hello, Faith,’ he said in that low, oily voice of his. ‘Would you like to step into my office? I have a few questions I want to put to you.’
She actually took a step towards him, before she stopped herself. She knew she couldn’t go in there. She could tell herself he didn’t know what she’d done to bring him down, but he had as many spies as Avery. She wouldn’t be safe.
Faith turned on her heel and ran back down the stairs to the Cocktail Lounge. She heard Dalzell calling for Lenny, but she was already halfway to the entrance doors. They’d been opened by one of the girls, and in one movement she pushed her way through and ran out onto the street.
The heat rose up from the footpath under her shoes, and with it came the smell of car fumes and unemptied rubbish bins. She gagged but kept going. No time for that. She had to get to Ray’s house.
One step at a time, she told herself. One step at a time.
One of the Allnights, bleary-eyed and with his hair on end, opened the door. Obviously he’d been asleep, but he broke into a smile when he saw Faith standing outside.
She didn’t give him a chance to start a conversation. ‘Is Ray here?’
His smile wavered. ‘Ah, Faith, I’m not sure if he wants … Faith!’
She was already pus
hing past him and he was too slow to stop her. She knew the way, up the stairs, second on the right, and as she opened his door she was already talking.
‘Ray, you have to get out. Dalzell thinks you’ve been talking with the police and—’
It was a moment before she realised Ray wasn’t alone. The head that lifted from the pillow next to his was that of a woman, long dark hair tangled around her naked torso, her dark eyes narrowed in annoyance.
‘Faith?’ Ray was awake now. He was half out of the bed, staring at her in dismay. He stood up, seemed to remember he was naked, and reached for his pants. ‘Faith, what are you doing here?’ he said. ‘I was going to meet you later at the Angel.’
Faith turned away. She had thought she felt shattered earlier, after Avery took Kitty away and she realised she was pregnant, but this was worse. Somehow, she’d convinced herself that Ray loved her and everything would be all right. Now nothing was.
She wasn’t sure where she was going, but she’d hardly taken a step before she stopped herself. Whatever Ray had done to her, he was in danger. She had to warn him at least. If she walked out now and something happened to him, it would be her fault. She might tell herself now that he deserved it, but later, when time had cooled her anger and soothed her pain, it would be hard to live with.
‘I have to talk to you.’ She stood just outside the door, looking away, not wanting to see them in there. ‘It’s important,’ she added, when the woman muttered something about stupid bitches.
Ray’s voice was a soothing murmur. ‘Come on, babe,’ he said, ‘just give me a minute.’
The words were so familiar her heart felt as if it had cracked in two. He’d spoken to her like that. They were his words to her, her memories, and this was all wrong.
