Doubt is a horrible thing. Much like fear, it creeps up on you and seeps into your body, finding all the weak spots, using them to its advantage. As Asher continues to stare at me while these thoughts run rampant through my head, the air in the room goes thin. It’s harder to breath. Without air in my lungs I can’t think properly. All I can see is him not wanting the same things I do. And that scares me; making me doubt everything.
“Whatever, I don’t know what I’m doing here anyway. Doesn’t matter what I do, or how many days I’m in this place. I’ll always be a junkie. How am I ever going to stay clean out there? I’ll fuck up and then you won’t want me anymore.”
As the words leave my mouth I begin to think about how it would feel to fall off the wagon; to take the memory of what we’ve shared and chase my dream of what we might have become with heroin. Heroin may be bad, but the high colors your world, makes you see beautiful things. You can be anything, be anywhere, with anyone. And even with something as little as that though, it’s as if the warmth is spreading through my body again. For the first time in a long time, I feel the urge to use coursing through my veins. I close my eyes, and I’ve almost given myself over to the feeling when Asher takes my shoulders and shakes me. My eyes snap open and I know he knows what I’ve just been thinking about. He takes a step away from me, his face falling, and the tortured scream that leaves his mouth shakes me to the core.
“Would you shut the hell up and listen to me for one goddamn second!”
His demeanor has totally changed. Gone is relaxed, laidback Asher. His jaw clenched tight he stares at me, the anger radiating off him like steam from a hot dinner. My mouth opens and closes a few times before clamping shut, and I lift my knuckle and hold it over my lips to stop myself from interrupting him again.
Satisfied that he has the floor, he continues. “What I’m trying to say, Tegan, is that I don’t know where any of this was going. I don’t know how this is going to work. I don’t know what your plan is. Hell, I don’t even know what I’m going to do with my own life, but I do know that whatever I do I need you there with me.”
I want to be mad but his words launch themselves over the wall I’ve constructed and across the alligator-filled moat, straight into my heart. And once inside, they swell to twice the size they were when they left his mouth and my breath to hitches, catching in my throat, preventing me from drawing a full breath. My heart beats faster in my chest.
“But you can’t keep doing this. You can’t threaten to run and think about getting high every time the going gets tough.” He’s panting now, his chest rising and falling at an alarming rate and his eyes are wide, his usually perfect composure blasted to smithereens.
“The fuck I can’t!”
“You’re not the only one who’s scared here, Tegan, so stop acting like a spoiled brat.”
“That’s uncalled for.”
“And so is you talking about getting high again every time we have a hard time figuring shit out.”
“You know what?” I pause, searching for the right thing to say to him, but time runs out and I say the only thing in my mind. “I hate loving you.”
The words fall out of my mouth, even though I never expected to think them, let alone say them out loud. Shock widens my eyes, mirroring his.
His face, bright red only moments ago, drains and his jaw hangs open. I can’t believe I just said that. And to him.
He steps backward, stumbling slightly, and knocks into his desk, sending a file that was resting on the edge sailing to the floor, the contents scattering across the rug, but it’s like he doesn’t even see them. He blinks once, twice, then lifts his head so that he’s looking me right in the eye as he whispers, “Then I guess it sucks that I love loving you.”
He heads for the door and I reach out for him, my hand catching him at his elbow as he passes me. “Asher, wait.”
“No, Tegan.” He shrugs me off. “I just . . . I need . . . I can’t be here, with you right now. You can let yourself out.”
And he leaves.
What the fuck have I done?
I WAKE UP THE next morning groggy. I’ve had a terrible night’s sleep. I keep replaying my words to Asher, over and over. It’s not pretty.
I rub the sleep from my eyes. There’s a piece of paper on the floor. It looks like it’s been shoved under the door. I climb out of bed and scoop it up. I fumble as I unfold it, my fingers still numb with sleep, and read the single line scrawled across the middle.
We need to talk. My office, 3 p.m.
Confusion and panic settle in my stomach. It’s an unpleasant cocktail. This is unfamiliar ground for me and not Asher’s style at all. I look to the clock on my nightstand. It’s only 9 a.m.
Looks like I’m in for a long day.
Without any appointments to keep me busy, I go off in search of a distraction. I make my way into the common area to look for Luke. He’s usually camped out in front of the TV, if he’s not eating, but a quick glance around the room tells me he’s not there. He’s not in the dining hall either.
Something doesn’t feel right.
I know we’re both nearing the end of our time here. I never intended to make friends in rehab and I haven’t, really. But Luke is the closest thing I have to a confidant at the moment. He nearly always knows the right thing to say; and even when he doesn’t he can make a joke and take my mind off things. He has that je ne sais quoi about him, and at the thought of not seeing him again I can’t help but feel a slight pang of panic. I’m not ready to say good-bye to him. I don’t know if I can.
I’ve always hated good-byes. They seem so final. It makes sense though. I’ve never been one to openly deal with emotions, and good-byes tend to be the most emotional and open of them all. Hence no good-byes for Tegan.
I head for the garden, thinking he might be out there, and spot him loitering by the arbor, looking out at something over the horizon. I smile knowing that today isn’t the day I’ll have to figure out my good-bye. Instead I walk across the grass until I’m in front of him but even though he’s looking straight at me, I know he hasn’t got a clue I’m there.
“You look like your head is about to explode.”
Surprised, his head snaps up and for a second he looks pained. But then his features smooth out and he forces a smile. “Hey.”
“Hey? That’s all I get,” I tease.
He looks back in front of him, picking at his fingernails, lost in thought.
“What’s with the seriousness?”
“I’m leaving.” His voice is flat. Luke’s voice is never flat. My heart breaks a little bit.
“Today?”
He nods once. “Right now.”
I pause for a second, doing the math. When I first met Luke, he was a few days behind me in the program. It doesn’t make sense for him to be leaving now. “But you’re not supposed to leave yet.”
“I fucked up, Tegan.”
I don’t say anything. I know what that means. I sigh and take a seat next to him, looking out at the horizon and sliding my hand into his. There are no words that I can say to make things better. To slip up this late in the program is devastating. I can’t imagine the pain that he’s going through. In fact, I don’t want to.
“It was stupid to think that I could just have a little sip of a beer,” he leads. I’m not who he’s talking to. “You know what they say, ‘Once a mood alterer, always a mood alterer.’ I just couldn’t stop at one, y’know.”
“I’m sorry, Luke.”
“No need to be sorry. I’m a big boy, I’ll figure it out.”
I can’t help but wonder if he really will.
“Well,” he stands up and my hand falls away from his, “I guess I better get going.” Just when I think he’s going to walk off he turns, wrapping his arms around me and holding me close. I can feel his heart beating against my cheek and it’s going a million miles a minute. “You got this,” he whispers into my ear.
I nod, not trusting my voice, and he drops his arms.
>
“Word of advice,” he says, peering at me through those ridiculous glasses.
“Please.”
“No matter how much you think you have a handle on things, don’t trust yourself. Not yet. If you think it’s bad, it is. Stay away. Stay focused. But most of all, don’t be a dipshit like me.”
I consider what he’s saying and I wonder if I’ve been focused at all during my last eighty days here. “Where will you go?” I ask.
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Hopefully my parents will let me come home.”
I nod and for a moment we’re both silent. There is so much to say, but nothing to be said. “Just don’t let this be your downfall. One mistake doesn’t define you.” I surprise myself with my words. They’re profound and wise; two things I never thought I would be.
“Yeah,” he says hugging me again. “You’re going to be just fine.”
With my chin against his shoulder, I sigh. “I’m glad I found you before you left.”
“Me too.”
“Just so you know, I don’t do good-byes,” I say.
“Fine by me.” He smiles and his eyes twinkle. “There’s a new season of some reality TV show starting soon.” He takes a few steps backward away from me. “I know you’ll be at my door with popcorn and soda to watch it.”
I nod even though I know that it won’t happen. I won’t be watching crappy reality television with Luke again, at least, not in this lifetime. He turns his back to me and adjusts the strap of his backpack before walking off, leaving me standing alone. Alone without an idea of what is to come. Not for me. Not for Luke. Not even for Asher.
The future is a mystery.
And scary.
But most of all, change sucks.
I lower myself to the ground and sit with my legs crossed in front of me. I look out at the horizon for hours, just letting my mind wander. I think about the past. About where I’ve been, how I’ve been hurt. But mostly I think about all that has changed for me over the last few months. I never imagined the journey ahead of me when my family dragged me in here, kicking and screaming. The pain I felt for all those years had rooted itself deep inside me. I didn’t think I could ever detach from it. I didn’t think I had it in me.
But he believed I did.
Change brought me him.
He brought me strength.
My strength brought me hope.
And hope will set me free.
Maybe change isn’t so bad after all.
I hop to my feet and swallow, finally laying to rest the last bit of fear that still hid deep in the crevices of my soul. I refuse to let it control me any longer.
I KNOCK ON HIS door, slowly turning the knob and letting myself in. He’s sitting at his desk and I can’t help but notice how awful he looks. The bags under his eyes are my first indication, but the lack of color in his face is enough to make me nervous.
“I got your note,” I say quietly, closing the door behind me.
He keeps his eyes glued to whatever he’s working on and nods. “I see.”
“Asher, look at me. You’re scaring me.” He does as I ask. “Are you okay?” I ask, already knowing the answer. “You look awful.”
“I didn’t sleep at all last night.”
Immediately, I wonder if I came on too strong yesterday when I tossed out the ‘L’ word. Even if it was with a negative connotation the meaning was still there, out in the open for both of us to consider. “Was it something I said?”
He shakes his head. “Last night, when you said you hated to love me, I didn’t feel sad, in fact, just knowing that there was any love at all there made me feel the happiest I have in a long time. And I want you to know that when I said it back, I meant it. But after coming to terms with the fact that we were in so deep, I realized that I wasn’t being fair, to either of us.” He pauses and runs his hand along his jawline. “It’s time for me to come clean.”
“What do you mean?”
“This thing between you and me . . .” His voice trails off. “When I started it, I didn’t exactly have the best of intentions.”
I look at him, confused beyond belief.
“When you left, that time you ran off, I knew exactly what you were going to do. I knew my knocking you back might lead to a relapse. I tried to ignore the little voice in my head that kept telling me I had the power to stop it, but I lost out. All I wanted to do was keep you clean. I had a reputation to uphold. I’m the best at what I do, Tegan. I knew it was wrong and that I was abusing my power in a fucked up way, but I knew that deep down in there you had spark. You just needed something to ignite it.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I’ve been through it before, losing someone to their lust for the drug. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something about you that reminded me of her. I couldn’t go through it again. I wouldn’t. It would feel like I was losing her all over again.”
Silence surrounds us like a thick fog. I hold my breath and as the clock on the wall measures every second that ticks by, I edge closer and closer to death.
Please don’t say it, Asher. Please don’t.
“I did what I had to do to make sure I didn’t have to endure that again. I set you on fire.”
My knees go weak and I wrap my arms around myself. Unable to stand, I fall back onto the couch, my voice incredulous as I ask the one question I never ever want the answer to. “Are you telling me that you were leading me on the whole time? It was never about just you and I, there were three of us in this?”
“When you say it like that it sounds bad—”
Snap!
That’s the sound of my heart breaking in two.
“Well then how would you say it?” I scream.
“I was doing whatever it took to keep you on track, for your benefit and mine.”
Suddenly it all falls into place. “The promotion.” I say, hoping that my hunch is wrong but knowing in my gut I’m bang on the money.
He shakes his head. “That was just bad timing. The promotion had nothing to do with what I did. It was just me being selfish.” Through the tears falling from my eyes I manage to laugh.
“You have got to be kidding me.”
“I wish I was.”
“Was any of it real?” I manage to choke out.
He nods, standing from his desk and making his way across the room toward me. I pull my knees up to my chest, not wanting him to get too close but not being able to stand the distance between us either. I can’t win.
He sits next to me and tries to take my hand but I flinch and pull away. “The instant I saw you, you shook me to the core. It was like I had traveled back to the past, I was given another chance to save her. But then, it got real for me after we both really opened up. Once you knew my story and I knew yours, I realized I was in too deep. I’d overstepped the line getting there, but by then it was too late for either of us. I’m so sorry.”
I look at him in disbelief. Everything that I had thought was wrong. It had all been a game to him. I had been a conquest. A pawn in his game. Every ounce of trust I had in Asher melts away. “I don’t even know what to believe anymore.”
“Everything I have said to you was the truth Tegan. I never lied to you, I can promise you that. I just did what I thought had to be done.”
Silent and shocked, I weep without tears. It’s like I’m too frozen, too shocked, too . . . whatever, and they won’t come. He reaches across the space between us and gently touches my elbow. I yank my arm away from him and stand up, needing to put space between us. Pacing the room, I focus on my breathing.
In, out. In, out.
“I meant what I said. I love loving you.” His voice is low, almost inaudible but the words hit me as if they’d been shouted from a megaphone on game day. I look at the man I thought was my whole world, staring at him in disbelief. “You’re just as fucked up as I am.”
“I know.”
“I deserve better than this.”
“I know that too.”
The arguments.
The sex.
The unhealthy dependence.
The wants.
The sex.
All of it passionate, but none of it right.
We continue on just being, in his office, neither of us really knowing what to say. Each of us has been in the wrong at some point. We’ve both taken it too far at times. Is this how it’s supposed to end? Is this the part where we both concede? My heart is crumbling into a million pieces, but my first thought isn’t drugs or him. It’s me.
What am I going to do now?
“I can’t do this with you anymore, Asher,” I say firmly. “We’ve got to stop the games.”
He nods, his lips pressing into a hard line. He knows just as well as I do that what we have going is toxic. A real relationship doesn’t operate like this.
“I’m gonna ask for that transfer to a halfway house. You and I both know that I’m ready. Ninety days is slowly creeping up on me anyway. It’s time to start making plans for my future.”
A future that doesn’t include him.
“Once I’m gone, I don’t want you to contact me.”
Another nod.
“It’s time for me to do this on my own. It just has to be me for a while. It’s probably the only way I’m going to truly heal.”
“And I know you’re right,” he says quietly, “but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”
“You know, I think I get what you did. In a fucked up way it makes sense, and I thank you for it because you saved me from myself. But I can’t rely on you to be my savior anymore. I can’t fight your demons as well as my own. I have to look out for myself. I can’t be my own worst enemy anymore. I’m done being the villain. It’s time to be a hero.”
Reprieve Page 21
