“Hey pops, how’s it hanging? Long time no see. I see you and mom still love each other.” “Don’t call me ‘pops.’” “No problem, dude.” “Do not call me ‘dude’ either. Address me as ‘father,’ ‘dad,’ or ‘sir.’” “Bite me!” “You will be on KP duty until your attitude changes for the better,” I ordered. I nodded to Corporal Wayne, our largest spider legionnaire. Wayne slid his claw alongside Joey Junior’s ear, grabbed a clawful of matted hair, and dragged the boy off to the kitchen to join Private Knight on punishment detail.
“Help!” cried Joey Junior, throwing wild punches. “Get this stinking alien off me! I’m not one of your legionnaires you can just order around! This is child abuse! I’m calling CPS on you! You will be so sorry! This is inhumane!”
“If you got a haircut, Wayne wouldn’t be able to grab your hair like that,” I advised, trying to be fatherly and helpful. “Those earrings are coming off too.”
Wayne pulled a dreadlock out by its bloody roots, tossing it at me contemptuously as he passed.
“See what you have to look forward to,” I whispered to Private Krueger, after he hugged and kissed Dawn. “Except you will have fifty of the little unappreciative ingrate monsters.”
“We’ll manage,” replied Krueger dismissively. “Sir!” “It’s not too late to change your mind, you know.” “What?” asked Dawn. “What’s he mean by that?” “Nothing, sweetie,” answered Krueger nervously. “Officers, they’re never happy.” Dawn and Private Krueger were whisked off to a special honeymoon beach shack built especially for them, designed for maximum privacy. Both were told to keep a low profile until the birthing.
* * * * *
Dawn was restless and declined to even go inside the honeymoon beach hut. She immediately began cutting palm tree branches, piling them atop the shack. Private Krueger looked on, helpless as the nest grew. Finally annoyed, Dawn turned her attention back to her husband. “Why don’t you make yourself useful and get me some pizza and ice cream? I don’t need male help building my nest. Get me some blue powder cocaine too. I’m all out, and I need something to relax my nerves. The sound of that damn ocean is driving me nuts!”
“Yes, dear,” replied Krueger, hesitating before leaving. “Sweetie, I don’t think blue powder cocaine would be good for the kids. They might be born addicted.”
“Go! And don’t come back until you have brought me my fix! How I let you live this long is beyond me!”
* * * * *
Private Krueger contacted his friend Guido to get the blue powder cocaine. “Czerinski told me no drug dealing,” explained Guido. “I can’t do it. I have no inventory.” “Who are you more afraid of?” asked Krueger. “Dawn or Czerinski? “Dawn. I’ll give you my last stash, but after that, I’m out.” “Thanks, Guido. You’re a real pal.” “So it’s true, Dawn is pregnant with little Krueger critters?” asked Guido. “I have connections. We can make a fortune putting the little guys in a circus. The whole galaxy is going to want to see this.”
“My kids are not freaks for a show,” advised Krueger, showing Guido the sonogram images. “See? Aren’t they beautiful?”
“No,” answered Guido, cringing as he looked closer. “Look at the size of that pecker!”
“I’m going to name one of them Guido, after you. In fact, I will name all my kids after my Legion family. Did I tell you there will be fifty eggs?”
“Don’t name any of your critters after Czerinski or Lopez.” “I might.” “You better hire a nanny or something,” suggested Guido. “Or build a cage. Do they bite?” “We’re on an island. How far can they go?” “Make sure they don’t cross the border,” advised Guido. “You know how anal the spiders get. They have no sense of humor about trespassing or interspecies fraternization.”
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Chapter 14
I visited Dawn at her love shack. Oddly, she was perched atop a ragged crow’s next on the roof, fanning herself with a palm as she rocked back and forth and chanted.
“Hi Dawn! Have you laid your eggs yet? I was hoping you would do your business inside.” “Would I still be sitting up here if I had?” hissed Dawn. “When is your due date?” “I am too tense to birth now,” she hissed again, seeming a bit on edge. “Have you seen Willie? I sent him out for some blue ... for some pizza and ice cream. Food calms me down.”
“I noticed you’ve put on a few pounds,” commented Major Lopez, standing next to me. “There are no pizza parlors on Quenaudenville. Want some MREs?”
“I would rather starve to death than eat that toxic waste,” advised Dawn, crossing all four arms.
“How about some coconut milk?” I offered. “We have lots.”
“You can shove your coconut milk up your poop chute,” replied Dawn sweetly. “What do you and your pet snake Lopez want? Willie told me about you suggesting an abortion. You disgust me!”
“It’s not abortion if it’s just unhatched eggs,” I reasoned. “It’s more like omelets.” “You are a beast!” “If you aren’t in the mood for laying eggs now, how about we give you a tour of the island? Peace?” “What are you up to Czerinski?” asked Dawn, suspicious. “Whatever it is, I am sure it is no good.” “Ever see a volcano from the top?” I asked pleasantly. “It’s quite a sight, seeing a lake of bubbling red-hot molten lava.” “It’s cool way up there in the clouds,” added Major Lopez. “Very relaxing.” “I am all for that!” exclaimed Dawn, scrambling down from her palm mound. Her sudden mood change was startling. “The heat and humidity is killing me. I am used to dry heat, you know.”
“I’ll pack some sweet iced tea for the trip,” I suggested. “We can ride the conveyor belt to the top.”
“How nice,” gushed Dawn. “You really are quite charming when you want to be. Although I doubt it, maybe that Butcher of New Colorado tag is just bad press after all.”
“Don’t count on that,” grumbled Major Lopez to himself.
“I suppose Lopez has to come along?” whispered Dawn. “I do not trust that snake-in-the-grass Lopez. See how his facial muscles twitch with every perverted deceitful felonious thought in his tiny evil brain?”
“I’ll be sure to keep Lopez on a short leash,” I promised, offering Dawn a hand down from the last step. “You’re right. Lopez is a bendaho.”
“You both deserve your fate,” bristled Major Lopez, following us to the lift.
“Shouldn’t we wait for Willie?”
“I’ll text Guido to have your husband join us,” I replied. “Who knows? Maybe by that time Willie will have found pizza and ice cream, and we can have a picnic.”
“Or a barbecue,” added Major Lopez, smirking. “All I have on me is some Pirate’s Booty Aged White Cheddar Puffs,” I added. “Arrrr, arrrr, arrrr!” “Oh, I love the taste of Pirate’s Booty!” exclaimed Dawn. “Do you have real pirates in these waters?” “Yes, lots.” “The Pirate’s Booty people should pay us for the good press,” commented Major Lopez. “Just saying. Taco Bell and McDonald’s, too.” “I hope Knight gets sued by Pirate’s Booty.” “Walter Knight, that fine looking boy with the big nose?” gushed Dawn. “The world-famous science fiction writer? Don’t be silly.” “You don’t know Knight like we do,” warned Major Lopez. “He’s not to be trusted. No story with a looming volcano in it ends well.” “It’s always the quiet types who sneak up on you,” I added. “I hope Nike sues Knight too.” “I love Nike’s spider-wear shoes,” advised Dawn, glancing down at her brand new Nike spider-runners. “Nike wouldn’t sue a nice boy like Walter.”
* * * * *
It was a pleasant ride to the top, if you don’t mind hitching a ride with compacted garbage. The higher altitude brought immediate relief from the heat, and a nice breeze. At the summit, the view was spectacular. A lake of bright orange lava swirled through the sulfur gas. Like clouds in the sky, I could almost see distorted images in the lava. For a moment I thought I saw the Grim Reaper, laughing and smiling his toothy grin.
“Come closer to the edge,” I suggested. “That’
s the Empire on the other side. Can you see their construction site?”
Dawn teetered on the edge to get a better look. She seemed entranced by the enormity of the colorful pyrotechnics. Dawn screamed as I reached out to shove her into the molten lake below.
“Look!” cried Dawn, jumping excitedly, almost causing me to fall in. “I see gold!” “What?” asked Major Lopez, crowding to the edge. “Did you say gold?” “Yes! Can’t you see it? Directly across the crater, half way down.” “I can’t see anything through the sulfur steam,” answered Major Lopez, straining for a better view. “Are you sure?” “Oh, I forgot,” replied Dawn. “You human pestilence are almost blind as bats. Plain as day, I can see a huge vein of gold in the crater across the lake.”
“I can’t see anything,” I said.
“It’s right there!” insisted Dawn, pointing.
I grabbed Dawn and pulled her away from her precarious perch. “Don’t you know better than to jump around like that by a cliff? Especially in your condition?”
“Tough guy,” flirted Dawn. “Don’t let Willie catch you holding me like that.”
I immediately let loose of Dawn. “Lopez! Escort Dawn down the mountain where she will be safe. I should have never let you talk me into allowing Dawn and her precious cargo up here.”
“What about General Daly’s orders?” “Daly can find his own damn gold!” I snapped. “Find some pizza and ice cream for poor Dawn before she starves to death.” “I am not your errand boy,” replied Major Lopez, giving us the one-fingered salute. “I don’t know what Lopez was thinking, offering you MREs,” I commented, comforting Dawn. “Bad Lopez! No biscuit!” “Lopez is a brute,” hissed Dawn, sticking out her tongue. “Bendaho!”
“Bad bendaho,” I added, placing my arm around Dawn’s shoulders. “Let’s keep this gold business a secret. We don’t want rumors to start a gold rush before our claims are staked. You must not tell anyone. Understand?”
“Not even Willie?” asked Dawn, pouting.
“Especially not Willie,” I advised, conspiratorially. “You know how Willie gets when he’s been drinking. He’ll brag to everyone at the bar about my gold.”
“Our gold,” corrected Major Lopez.
“Yes, our gold,” I agreed. “All three of us. We are all partners, if there is really any gold in the crater.” “Our gold is on the Arthropodan side,” commented Lopez. “What do we do about that?” “All the more reason to keep this discovery quiet,” I insisted. “There may be legal issues.” “Okay,” relented Dawn. “I will lead you to the mother lode after I hatch my babies. Ka-ching! We are all going to be rich!”
* * * * *
Private Krueger was waiting for us at the love shack, holding two frozen pizza pockets and a dry powder ice cream MRE – yum-yum. Willie gave Dawn a frantic hug.
“Sir, we want you to be our babies’ godfather.” I lost it, crying uncontrollably. I rushed to hug Dawn too. We had an emotional group moment. “I am so sorry Dawn, I don’t know what I was thinking,” I cried. “I would never do anything to hurt you or your babies!” Legionnaires passing by stopped and stared. Helmet cameras zoomed in. Major Lopez pulled me away from the group hug. “Get a grip!” he shouted, slapping me soundly across the face. “Legionnaires don’t hug, and they certainly don’t cry. People will see. You need to set a proper example for your men!”
Too late. Several legionnaires cried too. No hugs, though. I don’t ask or tell. However, my emotional slip was quickly broadcast on the database across the galaxy.
“It was temporary insanity,” I said, crying on Lopez’s shoulder. He immediately pushed me away. “Get a grip!” he repeated, about to bitch-slap me again. “No one touches Dawn’s babies,” I warned, grabbing the front of Lopez’s shirt and pulling him near. “Understand that? You better.” “No problem,” answered Lopez. “You’re the psycho Butcher of New Colorado, not me.” “I’m their godfather.”
* * * * *
My breakdown was posted all over the database, right next to my porn videos. The news services immediately ran with the story about Dawn’s inter-species pregnancy. Already news crews were bound for Quenaudenville, along with a shrink sent by General Daly.
My communications pad filled with text messages from females of all species lauding my sexy male sensitivity and wanting to have my babies.
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Chapter 15
Arthropodan Intelligentsia officers arrived by submarine at Quenaudenville, shortly after seeing the database news stories about Dawn and her babies. The black garbed Nazi spiders were not happy.
“Now we know why Colonel Czerinski is here,” commented the ranking Intelligentsia officer. “The human pestilence mad scientists hoped to keep their breeding experiment secret. Mutant hybrids must not be allowed to survive. Not on my watch!”
“You are exaggerating the seriousness of the problem,” advised the spider commander. “This is just two youth making poor decisions.”
“You are naďve. Database research shows precedent. The human pestilence intend to fornicate our species into extinction, the same as they did to the Neanderthal, the original owners of Old Earth.”
“What do you propose?” asked the spider commander, still annoyed at the Intelligentsia meddling in marine territory. “I command this island, and you will not do anything stupid, like start another war. Your shell-rattling conspiracy theories are ridiculous.”
“I have the governor’s blessing on this issue,” advised the Intelligentsia officer. “At night my commandos will slip across the border and torch their nest, killing the whole brood before it hatches.”
“Are you nuts?”
“That abomination must not spawn,” insisted the Intelligentsia officer. “I understand your concern. The extermination must not look like we did it, and it won’t.”
“How is burning down their house with a flamethrower not going to look like we did it?”
“We hacked into the human pestilence computer networks,” explained the Intelligentsia officer, playing a video on his pad. “Look what we discovered from the human pestilence’s own weather surveillance camera atop the volcano. Czerinski and Major Lopez escorted the renegade Dawn to the edge of Quenaudenville’s lava crater. Watch closely. Czerinski attempts to push Dawn into the lava lake. Dawn jumps away at the last moment, unaware of Czerinski’s murderous plot.”
The spider commander replayed the recording. Sure enough, Dawn just narrowly avoided being shoved to her death. “That butcher bastard!”
“We will blame Czerinski for our attack, using this recording to prove intent,” explained the Intelligentsia officer.
“Your plan is sound,” conceded the spider commander, grudgingly. He replayed the video a third time. “We may get rid of two problems at once by framing Czerinski. Look. Dawn is pointing at something. What attracts their interest?”
“Your construction project, I suppose,” replied the Intelligentsia officer, not caring. “Is there a problem?”
“There is something lower, deep in the crater. It is important. I can read their facial expressions. I do not like surprises. I will know their secret.”
“Whatever. We strike tonight. The funeral pyre will be glorious.”
“We?” scoffed the spider commander. “I am not a part of your treacherous scheme. I wash my claws of you, and only allow you to operate in my military zone of control under extreme protest. You are a fool if you think you can stop babies from happening.”
“Do you think the governor is a fool, too?” “Yes, if he really approves of your folly.” “You will assist in all aspects of this Intelligentsia operation, or else.” “Threaten me at your peril. I do not like any of you Intelligentsia idiots and do not need much of an excuse to throw the lot of you into the volcano for the good of the Empire.”
* * * * *
Four Intelligentsia commandos crept silently single file through the high grass. Unseen, Corporal Tonelli’s dragon Spot, lay sleeping in their path. The last commando st
epped on the dragon’s tail. He disappeared in the high grass, torn apart by the dragon. Startled spiders fired in all directions, losing their night vision to the flashes. Another commando went down.
A Legion flare drifted overhead, lighting the field. A shot rang out, hitting an Intelligentsia team leader. He fell wounded.
“Drop your weapons and surrender!” called out Corporal Tonelli.
The last spider tossed his flamethrower aside, raising his claws. Spot sniffed the spider’s leg, then lunged, taking the hapless spider in the throat. Tonelli quickly leashed his sentry dragon, pulling Spot back to protect the lone wounded spider. Legionnaires took the spider into custody.
* * * * *
I chained the prisoner to a coconut tree in front of my office because we still had no jail. Medic Ceausescu duct-taped the spider’s wounds as best she could.
“What was your mission?” I demanded.
The prisoner refused to say anything. I punched him a couple times. Still nothing. Tired, I went inside my hut and sent the spider commander a text, advising I held a wounded Intelligentsia commando on terrorism charges and would be filing a formal protest with his superiors.
The spider commander, after receiving my text, called to discuss the matter. “Our soldiers strayed across the border on a training mission,” he insisted. “Per treaty, you are responsible for the prisoner’s well being and are to return him as soon as possible.”
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