by Shaw, Rhonda
“What if I don’t know what to do?” he asked quietly. He was ashamed to admit that for the first time in his life, he didn’t know what to do, that he didn’t have the answers readily available.
“You’re a smart man, Chase. I know you’ll do the right thing.”
“I’m not use to it hurting this much, not being able to brush it off,” he whispered, hating the weakness he felt and heard in own his voice.
“I know. That’s how you know it’s the real thing. Don’t let it get away. It only comes along once in a lifetime.”
Chase hung up the phone and collapsed back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling for the answers. Did he know? Was it the real thing? Even though he’d once believed it to be true, he couldn’t help but question it now. If it had been the real thing, would Maddie have been so quick to bail? He wouldn’t have thought so.
At the moment, all he knew was that even though he wanted answers like a man dying of thirst wanted water, the last thing he wanted was to see Maddie—not now or anytime soon—and that pretty much left things at a standstill. Besides, as far as he was concerned, she was the one that should be coming to him and giving him the explanation that he deserved, and since he knew that wasn’t going to happen, they were back to square one.
* * *
Somehow, Maddie felt worse. She didn’t know how it was possible, but rather than her wounds healing with time, they were growing. They were becoming big, open sores that refused to scab over and heal. No matter what she tried to do to get her mind on other things, she always found her thoughts somehow coming back around to Chase and wondering what he was doing and what he was feeling. She knew the game suspensions he’d been given had to be eating away at him.
Desperate for any distraction from her bleeding heart she could find, she grabbed her watering can from under the kitchen sink, filled it and walked out the front door. Her geraniums were in desperate need of some TLC since they’d had little rain throughout August and she’d started to neglect everything, including herself. Intent on her watering, she didn’t hear when Chase quietly stepped up the sidewalk and hesitated a few feet away.
* * *
He took a few moments to study her before announcing his arrival. The decision to come over to see Bree after getting home from the road trip had seemed like the right thing to do, even though it had taken him a few days of going back and forth. He’d convinced himself that he could ignore the emotions storming within if he saw Maddie, but now, standing near her, he wasn’t so sure. She looked pale, so pale her dark hair stood in stark contrast to her delicate skin, and it didn’t hold the glow and vitality it once had, but instead looked dull and lackluster. She’d shoved it into a messy ponytail and wore simple jean shorts with a baggy green T-shirt.
To see the evidence of her misery so obvious in her physical appearance nearly killed him. Chase wanted to yell and scream at her, demanding to know why she was doing this since they were both obviously a mess, but his pride held him back. He wasn’t going to beg for answers anymore. She’d made her decision, without discussing anything with him, and he had to live with that. She obviously hadn’t trusted him, so he needed to read between the lines and move on.
The more he watched her, however, the more he could feel himself swaying. He wanted so badly to tug at her ponytail and pull her into his arms, and that just made him mad. So instead, he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and cleared his throat. Her head popped up and her eyes widened in shock. She clutched the watering can to her chest as she continued to stare at him tentatively.
“Hi,” he said tensely. As soon as he heard the edge in his voice, Chase knew he shouldn’t be here. It was too soon to be around her again, but it was too late to turn around at this point.
Maddie nodded and continued to stare, but didn’t say anything.
“How are you?” he asked, trying to calm the rage he felt building in his head. He had to remind himself again that he was here for Bree, not for her.
She shrugged a little, but didn’t move otherwise. “I’m all right. You?”
“I’m good,” he said with a clipped tone even though the bags under his eyes and his gray pallor said otherwise.
“I’m sorry about your suspensions. I heard about that...” she trailed off.
It was his turn to shrug. “Shit happens. Some stuff you can control, others you can’t. I was lucky I only got three games, so there’s just one more to sit out.”
They stood in silence, neither knowing what to say to the other. He finally could hold his tongue no more.
“Ready to tell me what happened yet?”
She desperately wanted to, but held her ground like a stubborn fool, figuring it was too late to explain anything. “There’s nothing to tell. Nothing happened.”
“Would you stop lying?” he hissed, his voice rising. “I’m tired of your B.S.”
Her eyes quickly filled. “Chase...I...” she stammered, not knowing what to say.
“Naw, that’s okay. It’s no biggie.” He shrugged as if he didn’t care.
“Chase...” she started again, ignoring the tears streaming down her face.
He tried to keep his face flat, but she could see the pain in it. “I told you I loved you. Did that mean nothing to you?” he whispered.
“Of course it did,” Maddie cried. “I loved you too...I still do.”
“Then what the fuck are we doing?” he implored, throwing his hands up.
“I can’t do this. I told you that.”
“And you won’t tell me why...” he broke off.
“I told you, a feel—”
“Yeah, I know,” he interrupted. “A fucking feeling.” He grumbled in irritation as he put his hands on his hips and stared at the ground, shaking his head before he looked back at her.
They stood in uncomfortable, tense silence, words failing them again, when he finally broke it. “Uh, I actually came here to see if I could take Bree to the park for a while.”
“Oh, Bree,” she said stupidly.
“Yeah, I like to keep my word.”
Maddie knew he was referring to her not keeping her promises, but she refused to let it hurt any more than it did already and took a deep breath. “She would love that. Let me go get her.”
Chase waited outside, pacing up and down the sidewalk as she went to get Bree. It had gone all wrong. He’d let his emotions dictate, even though he’d told himself on the way over he wasn’t even going to broach the subject with her, and things had gotten absolutely nowhere, but at least he was trying, unlike her. It was apparent she was sticking with her choice and leaving him in the dark.
He glanced at the house and took a deep breath. He hated how weird the situation was now. Not that long ago, he’d been the one to go into Bree’s room and get her ready for a day at the park. Now he was like an ex-husband coming back to pick up the kids for his weekend.
Chase heard Bree before he saw her and that brought a small smile to his face. The door flew open and he kneeled down as she threw herself into his arms, her face aglow, in such stunning contrast to her mother.
“I’m so happy to see you! I knew you’d come back,” she said.
He squeezed her gently, taking in the soft powder smell of her hair and made himself ignore the pain from how much he’d missed her. “What do you say we head down to the park and see what we can hit with a baseball?”
She giggled as he set her down and grabbed her hand. Chase looked back at Maddie. Her face was set in tight lines while her eyes were bright with tears as she watched their exchange in silent pain. If she was determined to remain miserable, there wasn’t anything more he could do about it. “Is it okay if I have her back in a couple of hours?”
“Sure. No, that’s fine. Whatever works for you,” she stammered and wiped hastily at her tears.
H
e nodded and walked away without a backward glance.
* * *
Maddie stood glued to the sidewalk and watched until they disappeared around the corner. Bree was talking animatedly the whole way with Chase holding her hand and listening intently to what she was saying. It was the most life she’d seen her daughter show in a while, and if it was possible to feel even worse, Maddie did.
She’d known that her decision wasn’t the right thing to do when it came to Bree, but she’d convinced herself that Bree was young and would get over it quickly, that she herself would be the only one deeply affected. She now had to acknowledge her own lie.
Her shoulders started to shake as she felt the sobs come over her. She turned and made her weak legs carry her back into the house. She didn’t think it was possible that she could affect so many people at once with one decision but that’s exactly what happened. Not only were she and Chase the victims of her decision, but her daughter was an innocent bystander. It seemed she caused pain and suffering all around and she was the only one who could fix it. But she couldn’t. To do so would mean losing her job and her daughter. She couldn’t forget that.
At the sound of the door opening, Maddie felt herself flush thinking that Chase and Bree had returned early catching her in the midst of her meltdown, but when she glanced up, she was relieved it was only Karen.
Taking one look at her friend, Karen sighed and walked over to the couch. “What happened now?”
“Chase came over.”
Karen’s brow raised in surprise. “He did? What did he say?”
“He took Bree to the park. She was so excited to see him. You should have seen her,” Maddie said as she hiccupped and tried to wipe her eyes dry.
“He didn’t say anything to you?” Karen pressed.
“He asked again,” she replied simply.
“And you told him nothing, right?”
“He’s so angry with me. I could see it in his eyes.” She looked up at her friend. “He resents me,” she whispered, horrified at the thought.
“And yet you could change all that and you didn’t,” Karen reminded her as she set her hands on her hips.
“It’s not that easy, Karen,” Maddie said standing up and walking around her to the kitchen. She grabbed a tissue out of the box on the sink and wiped her nose. “Even if I tell him, it doesn’t change anything. There isn’t anything he can do.”
“You’re not giving him a chance, Mad. He could help, he would want to help, but you won’t even give him a chance.”
“It isn’t his responsibility. Bree is my responsibility,” she said as she poked her chest hard with her finger.
“Jesus, Maddie. The same excuse over and over. It’s tiring!” Karen shook her head and her eyes filled with pity. “I thought you loved him and he loved you.”
“I do...we did.”
“So, then who the fuck cares if he isn’t her biological father. Being with you makes her his responsibility and that’s what he wanted. He wanted her to be his responsibility.”
Maddie shook her head, refusing to hear what Karen was saying. “No. No, she isn’t. She’s mine and I have to protect her.”
Karen walked over and grabbed Maddie’s arms to shake her gently. “He isn’t Kyle, Maddie. He isn’t going to turn his back on her, no matter what happens and he proved that today. What guy is going to come over after being dumped to take her kid to the park? Come on! Get over yourself and get over this bullshit of yours of putting every guy in the same category with Kyle when it comes to Bree.”
She continued to shake her head in denial. Maddie knew it was true, but she couldn’t hear it because then it would mean she had made the wrong decision. That she’d ruined everything for no reason. She tried to wrench herself out of Karen’s hands, to get away from the hard truth, but she had her gripped tightly.
“I know it’s hard, Mad, but you’ve got to do it. You have talk to him and tell him what’s going on. Let him in, Maddie. Let him help. He loves her just as much as you do.”
She shook her head violently as she sobbed against her friend’s shoulder. “I can’t, Karen. I just can’t.”
“What do you think is going to happen if you tell him?”
“He’ll see how weak and horrible I am.”
“Maddie, answer me this. Do you think you did the right thing?”
Her shoulders sagged as she leaned again the counter. “I have to know what I did was the right thing.”
“That’s not what I asked you. Do you believe it? You have to believe it yourself.”
Defeated, Maddie closed her eyes and put her head in her hands. “I don’t believe it,” she whispered.
Chapter Twenty
Dropping Bree back at Maddie’s hadn’t been as eventful as when he had picked her up, since Karen had answered the door. Thankful for that, at least, Chase walked back to his place, his mind a churning mess.
On one hand, he felt better after spending time with Bree. He thoroughly enjoyed her carefree spirit and, for the first time in a long time, he’d found himself smiling and laughing for real rather than forcing it. She lit a spark within him that made it easy for him to block out all the darkness threatening to overtake him.
On the other hand, it did remind him of what he was missing. One day he’d been thinking that perhaps he could be in Bree’s life permanently, the father figure she’d never had, and now had to act like the ex whenever he wanted to spend time with her. Did he even have a right to spend time with her? He didn’t know, but he knew he didn’t want to stop seeing her when he could, regardless of what had happened between him and Maddie.
However, it just made him angry with Maddie and the situation all over again. It seemed he was stuck in a never-ending cycle that he had no idea how to break out of. He knew the key was finding out the answers from Maddie, but he wondered if even that would be enough. Once he learned the truth, would he be able to move on? Would he stop being so angry all the time? He didn’t think so and that only pissed him off even more.
He couldn’t swallow the fact that he was letting Maddie ruin his life, but he couldn’t figure out a way to stop it either. It was a downward spiral and he’d never felt so out of control. From day one, he’d always been the one in command, never letting anything else dictate his decisions, and for once, he was out of the driver’s seat and he didn’t know how to handle it.
Opening the door to his condo, he stepped in and threw his keys on the table. Jerry, slouched in the beanbag on the floor playing an Xbox game, glanced at him while he continued shooting at the alien on the screen.
“What’s up? Where you’ve been?”
“I took Bree to the park for a while,” Chase replied as he slumped down on the couch watching the action on the TV in front of them.
“Oh yeah,” Jerry said as he grimaced and pushed some of the controller buttons more aggressively. “Die, you fucker,” he mumbled under his breath.
When the alien finally won out the battle and Jerry’s character finished dying his untimely death, Jerry tossed the controller onto the floor and leaned back with his hands behind his head. “Did you see Maddie?”
Chase sighed and closed his eyes as he rested his head on the back of the couch. “Yep.”
Jerry waited a few pauses. “And?”
“And what?”
“Cut the shit, Chase. What the fuck is going on with the two of you? You going to talk this out with her or what?”
He shook his head before he raised it and looked at Jerry with dull, lifeless eyes. “No, probably not.”
“What?” Jerry said, obviously confused. “You were head over heels for this girl and then suddenly that’s it? I don’t get it.”
“Yeah, well I don’t either, and I guess I’m not supposed to.”
“Chase, you need...”
Chase raised his hand stopping him. “Look, Jer, I get what you’re trying to do, but it’s not going to work okay. Besides, I’m not sure it’s even worth it anymore. I get more frustrated and angry even time I think about it, so I’m better off just trying to move on and forget any of this happened. Maybe this is for the best and it wasn’t meant to be.”
Jerry watched him for a few seconds and then scoffed. “You don’t actually believe that shit, do you?”
He stood and threw his arms up in frustration as he looked down at Jerry. “Of course I do, I have to. Don’t you get it, Jerry?”
“No, I don’t get it. Why don’t you explain it to me?”
“It’s over, Jer. That’s it. Done. I don’t get an explanation, no answers, no nothing. Just a big ‘fuck you’ and thanks for a good time, but it’s over and there’s nothing I can do about it. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I say, that’s it.”
“Well, maybe that’s not it,” a female voice said from the front door catching them both by surprise.
Jerry jumped up as Chase walked over to the door where Karen stood on the opposite side.
“Hey,” he said as he opened it to let her in.
“Hi.” Karen glanced around the room and her gaze landed on Jerry. She froze as she took in her hero standing just a few feet from her before she cleared her throat. “Hi.”
“Jerry, this is Maddie’s friend, Karen. Karen, Jerry Smutton,” Chase said.
Jerry’s smile lingered as he gave her a quick appraisal. She was definitely nice on the eyes. “Ah! The infamous Aunt Karen.”
Her cool, blue eyes bugged a bit, before she quickly composed herself. “I’m afraid to ask exactly how you know that, but unfortunately, I have more pressing matters at the moment.”
Chase pointed to the couch. “Have a seat. Can I get you a drink or something?”
“Water would be great,” she said as she looked for a clear spot to sit on the love seat.
