“Yes, ma’am.” Izzy stood. Her clothes were off in seconds, and she straddled Jane. Jane slid her hand between Izzy’s legs. Her fingers pushed into her, and Izzy rocked above her as Jane’s fingers filled her. She leaned forward so she hovered above Jane, raising her hips to allow Jane room to move her arm, and soon Jane was moving in and out of her in a delicious rhythm.
Izzy shifted her weight to her left arm and used her right hand to rub her own clit while Jane’s hand continued to pump between her legs, and her other hand played with her nipples. Her orgasm built quickly. She didn’t even try to stretch it out. As soon as she felt the first surge of spasms, she urged it on with her own fingers. Hard thrusts with her hips to bring Jane’s fingers against the front walls of her vagina took her over the edge, and her muscles clenched around Jane’s fingers. She shuddered with the massive release of pleasure as she rocked through the burst of fire raging through her. As the pulses eased and her muscles relaxed, she eased down until she was lying on Jane. They were both panting, and a thin shimmer of sweat coated them. Where their skin connected, it glided over each other, and Izzy squirmed a little, enjoying the sensation. Jane’s fingers slipped from her, and she instantly missed the feeling of being filled by Jane.
“I love making love with you,” Jane said next to her ear, causing her to shiver.
“I think that’s what you call fucking, my love,” Izzy said, rising to see Jane’s face. The arm holding her up shook slightly. The brilliant orgasm had temporarily sapped her strength.
Jane’s face broke into a slow smile. “Well, then, I love fucking you.”
“I love fucking you, too.” Izzy moved a strand of hair from Jane’s face. “I also love how your one eyebrow goes up when you say ‘fucking.’”
Jane scrunched her eyebrows. “It does?”
“Yeah. This one,” Izzy said, tracing the perfect arch of Jane’s right eyebrow. “This eyebrow is in collusion with your filthy language.”
Jane laughed. “What?”
“Anytime you curse, this eyebrow gets all archy. It’s like it’s daring anyone to call you out for using such foul words.”
Jane wriggled her eyebrows. “I had no idea.”
“Try it. Say something dirty.”
Jane blew a stray hair away from her mouth. “Like what?”
Izzy helped move the stubborn hair away. “Anything.”
Jane thought a moment. “I honestly can’t think of anything to say spur-of-the-moment.”
“Oh, I think you can,” Izzy teased.
“Seriously! I can’t.”
Izzy narrowed her eyes. “Say, fuck me until I scream.”
Jane laughed and then reset her expression. She tried to look serious. It almost worked, except her eyes sparkled with amusement. “Fuck me until I scream, Izzy.”
Jane’s eyebrow twitched but didn’t arch like it had before. But the way she said it made her voice deep and sultry, and Izzy felt the low timbre of it deep inside. She shivered.
“Ooh la la,” she said and wiggled against Jane.
“It didn’t move, did it?” Jane sounded pleased with herself.
“A little.”
Jane ran her hands down Izzy’s back. “I’m not going to be able to curse without being aware of my eyebrow now.”
“I’m glad I could enlighten you on this very cute thing you do.” Izzy wrapped her arms around Jane, squeezing her as she relaxed against her. “I could stay naked with you all day. I think I’m getting addicted.”
“Me, too,” Jane said, squeezing Izzy back “I have to go see my mom today, though.”
“Oh, yeah?” Izzy said. Would Jane finally ask her to go? She wanted to get some more writing done, but it would be nice to at least meet some of Jane’s family.
Jane trailed her fingers in lazy patterns over Izzy’s back. “I’ll only stay for a couple hours. Just long enough to have lunch with them and to sit with my dad while he watches the ball game.”
Did she not want Izzy to come? Or was she waiting for Izzy to ask to come along? “I was just going to write a bit today.”
“It will probably be nice to have the house to yourself.”
Now it was obvious. She wasn’t invited. Izzy was disappointed. “I kind of like having you around, skulking about and all.”
“I’ll be back around two, and I’ll skulk around for the rest of the day with you. How about that?” Jane indicated she wanted to get up.
Izzy pretended she didn’t notice and continued to lie on her. “Sounds like a fine idea.”
Jane put her hands under Izzy’s shoulders and pushed gently. “I need a shower before I go.”
Izzy settled against Jane even more, willing gravity to make her heavier. “Yeah. You might want to wash all this sex off you before you go out and about.”
Jane lifted Izzy’s head and stared into her eyes. “I can’t have people knowing I’ve been fucking my girlfriend.”
Izzy laughed and pushed herself up. “See? You can’t do it! You can’t make your eyebrow stay still when you use dirty language.”
Jane took the hand Izzy offered. “Remind me not to play poker with you. Come take a shower with me.”
Izzy let Jane guide her toward their room. “Okay. I think you’ve become a nymphomaniac. Not that I’m complaining.”
Jane looked over her shoulder at her. “You’re awful.”
Izzy’s heart melted. Jane was so beautiful. “Awful sexy, you mean.”
“That, too.”
* * *
When you love someone, everything is awesome. Every day is Valentine’s Day. You can’t wait to be with each other. You get butterflies when you think about them. Nothing feels as good as how you feel when you’re with them. You want to do anything in your power to show them how much you love them.
While it’s tempting to change things in order to accommodate your new relationship, it’s important to not lose yourself in it. Eventually, things calm down. The newness will wear off, and life will return to something like your old life. But if you’ve changed everything, you won’t have anything to settle back to, and you’ll begin to miss some of the things you enjoyed doing before you got together. This is when things can get dicey. You don’t want to start resenting your lover because you don’t have any time to yourself, do you? And you sure don’t want to blame them for causing you to neglect your friends.
The best thing you can do is maintain some of your individual activities and don’t let your friendships suffer. You’ll be happy you have them when the new-love smell wears off.
Chapter Thirty-three
The last coat of paint was finished, and Izzy stepped back to look at her handiwork. She couldn’t take all the credit. Max and Teddy had helped quite a bit. The paving-stone walkway had gone in that morning, and last thing to do was the touchup paint. The new shed they’d built in the backyard looked great, and they had hardly any injuries to show for it.
“What did I do to deserve you?” Jane wrapped her arms around Izzy from behind.
Izzy hugged Jane’s arms to her and grinned like a fool. “Do you like it?”
“I love it. I’ve never had my very own studio.”
“Well, you haven’t been able to do your stained glass since you moved in here. This will let you set up all your equipment and supplies.”
Izzy had stayed up most of last night painting the inside and installing shelves, and then she’d risen early to finish it. She knew she should have gone to bed at a more reasonable time, but once she’d started, she couldn’t wait to get it done. And now she was. It was worth it to see Jane so happy. Plus, she wasn’t too tired. She’d get back on a regular sleeping schedule soon.
“I’ve never had my own personal studio before. The little corner in my landlord’s garage at my last place was awesome but a little cramped. This is awesome!”
“Well, as far as a twelve-by-ten shed will let you spread out. You get to be as messy as you want to be. You know why? Because this is your space.”
Jane kissed her. “You’re the best girlfriend ever!”
Izzy grinned. “I think I’ll have a T-shirt made up to remind you when I forget to put the paper roll on the toilet roll thingamajig.”
Jane spread her arms to take in the entire shed. “This gives you a get-out-of-jail-free card for the rest of the year.”
“Awesome!” Izzy started to celebrate and then realized she’d been duped. “Hey! There’re only three more weeks left in the year!”
“Three whole weeks of no worries about leaving me in a delicate state in the bathroom. Sounds fair to me.”
“Maybe I’ll build one of those toilet-paper-roll-holder stack things after I finish this.” Jane looked confused so she explained. “You know, those cutesy decorative things you put near the toilet meant to hold a bunch of rolls? They disguise the fact that they’re there to contain toilet paper and are not, in fact, a whimsical piece of bathroom decor.”
Jane ticked one eyebrow up. “Oh. Like the classy outhouse sculpture at your grandma’s? Right next to the magazine rack full of National Rifle Association magazines? Under the corncob mounted behind the glass inscribed with ‘break in case of empty roll’?”
“Exactly!” Izzy said.
Jane tapped her chin in consideration. “A plausible solution. Or you can simply replace the roll. Just a thought.”
Izzy laughed and leaned back to kiss Jane.
The screen to the back door slid shut, and both of them looked in the direction of the noise.
“Hey, Haley!” Izzy said, and she and Jane went to meet her on the back porch. “Where’s the baby? Is Josh watching her?”
Haley wrapped her arms around herself and didn’t even smile when she saw them. “The baby is the only thing anyone talks about anymore. It’s like I’ve become invisible,” she said.
A heavy stone of worry filled Izzy’s stomach. This wasn’t the Haley she knew. Her sister’s words over Thanksgiving echoed in her mind.
“You know you’re still my favorite.” Izzy gave her a hug. Haley just stood there and didn’t hug her back. “Babies are like getting a new toy. They even have that new-human smell.”
“Oh, I love to smell the tops of baby heads,” Jane said.
Haley flopped her hand toward the house. “She’s asleep in her car seat in the living room. She sleeps all the time. Thank God. I’m not sure I could manage it if she were always awake.”
“I’m gonna go in and stare at her,” Jane said, skipping into the house. Izzy would have laughed at her if Haley didn’t have her so worried.
“Do you take naps while she sleeps?” she asked.
“I try. All I want to do is sleep all the time.” Haley looked down at herself in disgust. “That and eat ice cream, as if I need to gain any more weight.”
Izzy took in her niece’s appearance. She didn’t look like her usual cheerful self. She looked listless and drawn.
“You’re beautiful, Haley.” Izzy draped an arm over her shoulders and led her into the house. She had an idea. “Ice cream sounds good. Jane, would you mind watching Simone while Haley and I go to Cow Licks for a couple of cones? I promise to bring back some lemon caramel.”
Haley barely registered the suggestion for ice cream. The old Haley would have danced at the suggestion. This Haley simply shrugged.
“Exclusive baby snuggles just for me and ice cream? Absolutely! Take your time!” Jane started to unbuckle Simone from her car seat.
“You are such a baby freak,” she said with a laugh.
The baby stretched but didn’t wake when Jane lifted her carefully from the seat and cradled her in her arms.
Jane kissed Simone’s forehead. “Babies happen to have the purest energy on the planet. Can you blame me for wanting to soak it up? Just look at her. She’s gorgeous.”
Izzy could easily see Jane with babies of her own. She was such a nurturer. The thought made her smile.
Izzy quickly changed from her paint-splattered clothes, and she and Haley walked to the ice cream shop. When they arrived, the smell of fresh-baked waffle cones filled the air.
They ordered. It was always the same for them. Mint chocolate chip for Izzy and butter pecan for Haley. They took their cones to a small café table for two in the corner of the shop, far enough away from the rest of the tables to not be overheard. The bright sunshine and cloudless day gave the impression it was warmer outside than it was.
The ice cream was perfect, adding sweetness to the tension surrounding Haley. “So, your mom says you’ve been a little down since the baby came,” Izzy said.
“I guess.” Haley stared at her ice cream and took a tentative bite. She looked like she wanted to cry.
“What’s up?” Izzy tried to keep her tone light. Maybe Haley would open up. “Do you think it’s hormones? Lack of sleep?” If they needed to pretend until Haley was able to talk about it, she’d do it.
Haley wiped her tears away, then dropped her face into her hands. Izzy took the melting ice cream cone from her. Haley rubbed her eyes, reminding Izzy of when her niece was a toddler and was overwhelmed. She placed the cone on a stack of napkins she’d taken at the counter, letting the paper absorb the melting ice cream. Haley didn’t seem to notice. Her eyes were unblinking and unfocused.
“I’m not sure I can do this, Aunt Iz.” It was almost a whisper.
“Do what, sweetie?” Izzy reached across the table and cupped her elbow.
“Anything, really.” A sob shook her. “It’s so hard. I’m an awful mom.”
“What makes you think that?”
It seemed almost rude to keep eating her ice cream, but they didn’t have any more napkins to use, and it seemed ruder to get up to toss it while Haley struggled, as if it would call more attention to her breakdown. So, Izzy kept on eating without tasting, and she held on to Haley’s arm, wanting to ground her while she wondered if Haley would answer.
Haley leaned back in her chair, wiped her face with both hands, and took a deep breath. When she finally looked at Izzy, her eyes were like lasers. Accusation, fear, challenge poured from them. The quick shift was familiar, reminding her of herself when her meds needed to be adjusted.
“I don’t want to say it. You’ll think I’m a terrible person.” Haley held her chin high, her expression cold and challenging.
“I’d never think you were a terrible person, Haley.”
The intensity of the stare diminished some, but it was still there. It would be easy to misunderstand. She could easily think Haley was angry at her. For what? Making her think? Making her feel? Making her say it out loud? It wasn’t her fault, but Izzy would allow her to throw accusation at her. She had firsthand experience at how this felt. There had to be a place to focus the pain, the anger, the confusion. Otherwise, she would explode into a million little pieces, and each piece would continue to feel and grow, and—
“Everyone always talks about falling in love with their baby the first time they saw them. Not me. All I felt was fear and emptiness.” The volume of her voice rose as she spoke, gathering intensity. “I thought it would go away. But it’s only gotten worse. Every day, it gets worse. I’m so afraid I’m going to ruin this baby. All I want to do is run away, or…” Haley didn’t finish, but Izzy felt a rush of cold run through her. Haley’s voice dropped to a whisper. She stared at the table, all challenge gone from her expression, a haunted shadow replacing it. “She doesn’t deserve me. She should have a real mother who loves her and wants to be with her.” Tears streamed from her eyes.
Izzy dropped the last few bites of her cone on top of the melted mess on the napkins and held Haley’s arms with both hands. “You love her. You are a real mother, sweetie.”
“You have no idea what I mean!” Haley shouted, and then her shoulders immediately dropped. Her face seemed to crumple in on itself. Tears rolled down her cheeks unnoticed. “I’m sorry. So sorry. I’m a terrible person.”
“It’s okay. It’s okay. I love you. You aren’t a terrible person. You’re having a hard time. You can say
or do anything, and I will always love you, always be here for you.” Haley wouldn’t remember her exact words. Izzy knew. But it was important Haley knew she would always be there, would always be safe.
“I know, Aunt Iz. You’re the only one who really understands me. I know you understand why I know I’m a terrible person.”
To acknowledge or dismiss Haley’s words would be equally unproductive, so Izzy chose not to do either. She wanted to know what Haley meant earlier.
“You said you ‘want to run away or…’ Or what, Haley?” The options were terrifying, knowing how she had once been where Haley might be going. Her jaw was aching from clenching her teeth. Old memories played at the edges of her mind. This was about Haley, not her.
Haley took a stuttering breath. “I don’t want to say it.”
“Why not?”
“It’s terrible.”
She rubbed Haley’s elbow. “We’ve never had secrets before. You can tell me.” Did she really want to hear, though?
“It’s horrible, Aunt Iz. Don’t make me say it.” Haley’s voice was barely audible. Snot dripped from her nose into her lap. She didn’t acknowledge when Izzy pulled her hand into her sleeve and wiped it away.
“Haley, do you think about doing something to the baby?” The question had to be asked. Haley snapped her head up, the angry expression back, and she glared at her. The shifts in emotion were jarring. Izzy felt the echoes of whirling, overpowering emotion skidding through her head, the sizzle of lightning-fast changes, the frustration of not being able to control them, the guilt of being mean to others, the indignant response of not giving a shit, the judgment—They were only memories, she reminded herself. This was not about her. Haley needed her. “I know you wouldn’t—”
“No! No! I would never do anything to hurt her.” Haley put her hands over her face and rested her elbows on the table. “Never!”
Relief washed through Izzy, but it was short-lived. “Then what? What do you think about that could be so awful?”
Haley’s hands were still over her face. Izzy waited. “I think Simone and Josh would be better off without me. People would be better off if I disappeared.”
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