* * *
Jane fell asleep after they made love again, and Izzy pulled the comforter over them to ward off the chill from the cold night air against the perspiration covering their skin. Snuggled under the covers, she held Jane in her arms and pushed her nose against the top of her head, taking in her scent. Izzy’s heart rate had just returned to normal after her last shattering orgasm. The taste of Jane was still in her mouth. She and Jane had made love like it was their first time, and they couldn’t keep their hands off one another. She loved her so much. She’d have to tell her soon. I’m so lucky to be with this woman, she thought, squeezing her, sighing, drifting toward sleep.
This won’t last.
The thought whispered through her mind. Barely there, it roused her just as she was about to drift off, planting a cold stone in her stomach, squeezing her chest. She opened her eyes in the dark room. She wasn’t sleepy anymore. It can’t last. You’re too happy. The thoughts hissed. The backs of her eyes stung, and hot tears squeezed from her closed eyes. The tears fell like boiling water on her cheeks, and she struggled to hold in the sob bubbling in her chest. It hurt so much to hold it in that her throat ached with the effort. It’s true. It can’t last. She’ll leave you. Break your heart. The thoughts raced through her mind, and she held Jane tight, her face buried in Jane’s hair, her throat aching even more from trying to hold back the tears. Stop it. Stop it! Stopitstopitstopit! She couldn’t breathe.
Loosening Jane’s arms from around her, she slid out of bed. Jane barely moved, proof she didn’t care about her. No! She’s just sleeping; she doesn’t know I got up. She brushed the hair away from Jane’s face, and Jane moved her face toward her hand, smiling. She loves me. She took a deep, shuddering breath. Until she doesn’t anymore. It’s just a matter of time. She shook her head. Shut up! Shut up! You’re just overwhelmed. It was a long day. You exchanged a lot of energy with each other. You just need some sleep. But she wasn’t tired, and she couldn’t stop crying.
She had to wipe the tears from her eyes to read the clock. Almost one a.m. Anxiety rose in her belly. She needed sleep. But the ache in her chest was too much. Putting on a T-shirt, she shut the bedroom door as quietly as possible and stepped into the hallway, heading to the kitchen for a glass of water.
Tears still streamed down her face. She wiped the snot dripping from her nose with the palm of her hand. She started to sob but covered her mouth. She didn’t want to wake Jane. Foregoing the glass of water, she grabbed her phone off the counter and went out to the garage. Gus followed her out and sat next to her on the single stair leading up to the house. He leaned into her as if he knew she needed the contact. Izzy wrapped her arms around him and cried into his neck, the doggy smell of him filling her head, giving her comfort.
“You’ll always be there for me, won’t you, Gus?” she said into his fur. He licked her cheek, and she smiled. She rubbed the tears from her eyes and wiped her nose on the sleeve of her T-shirt. She looked at the phone in her hand and hit the speed dial for Audie.
The phone rang once, and Izzy almost hung up, but she heard Audie’s voice. It was low and gravelly.
“’ello?”
Izzy didn’t know what to say and just sat there. Maybe Audie would hang up.
“Izzy? Are you there?”
Of course, she’d seen the caller ID. She cleared her throat.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.” She sounded stuffy, and her voice cracked as she started to cry again.
“Are you okay?”
“I don’t know.” Izzy heard rustling on the phone and imagined Audie sitting up in bed.
“What’s going on?”
Izzy pressed the palm of her free hand into her eye. “I can’t stop crying.”
“Why are you crying?”
She leaned against the door and let out a shuddering sigh. “I don’t know. I was falling asleep, and then I just started to think about how Jane is going to leave me someday, and I felt my heart break, and I don’t know if I can live through it again.”
“Okay. Did you guys have a fight or something?”
“No. We’re fine. Well, I think we’re fine. I stayed at work too late tonight, and I thought she might get mad, but she didn’t say anything. And we had a good night. We fell asleep, and that’s when the negative thoughts started, and I think I’m going to screw this up, Aud.” She pounded her fist against her thigh. “I don’t know how to keep from screwing this up.”
Audie’s voice was gentle but firm. “Hey. Hey. Hey. Iz. Take a few deep breaths. You’re not screwing anything up.”
She wiped her nose on her sleeve again. “How do you know?”
“I just do.” There was rustling on the line as if Audie was readjusting her pillows. “Breathe for a minute.”
Izzy closed her eyes and inhaled. It helped. Her thoughts slowed a little. Audie was her rock. She steadied her. Suddenly, she was aware of how chilly it was in the dark garage. Giant goose bumps peppered her bare legs. Gus warmed her side, but the unforgiving cement step beneath her was sending shards of ice into her butt cheeks.
“Thanks, Audie,” she said through chattering teeth. Maybe the cold wasn’t the only thing causing her to shiver.
“Anytime, kid. Where are you?”
“Sitting in the garage.” She pulled up the neck of her T-shirt and wiped away the tears and snot.
“Where’s Jane?”
“Sleeping. She doesn’t know I’m out here.”
Audie chuckled. “You should get back into bed. Go hug on your girl and stop thinking negative thoughts. You’re probably just tired.”
“Yeah. I’m probably just tired.” And she was. The nearly full-on panic attack had taken her adrenaline way up, and now she was feeling the effects of coming down. She could barely keep her eyes open.
Audie yawned across the line. “G’night. I’ll see you tomorrow. You can buy me coffee to keep me awake during my staff meeting.”
Izzy laughed. She felt a little better. “You got it. Thanks, Audie.”
Izzy and Gus went back into the house, and Izzy poured herself a glass of water. She drank it slowly, and the ache in her throat started to ease. Gus stayed close, as if he knew she needed his warm presence to ground her. She blew her nose and took a few more deep breaths. Her headache receded until it was a low ache in the center of her forehead. Her emotions were back in their familiar places, no longer out of control.
She padded through the house, stopping in the laundry room to change from her snot and tear-stained T-shirt before she went back to her room. The door was open when she remembered closing it. Gus jumped up on the foot of the bed before she could stop him, but Jane was already sitting up and hugging her comforter-covered knees to her chest. She sounded angry or scared. “Where’d you go? I went to check on you, and you weren’t in the house. Your keys were here, though.”
She stopped at the foot of the bed. “I couldn’t sleep, so I went for a walk.”
“In just a T-shirt?”
Izzy looked down. “Yeah. I didn’t get farther than the driveway,” she lied.
Jane dropped her knees so she was sitting cross-legged. “Are you okay?”
Jane’s tension had switched to worry. Izzy wasn’t sure which she preferred. “Yeah. Just super tired.” She got into bed, leaving a little room between her and Jane, not sure where she stood with her.
“Me, too,” Jane said, sliding down and turning on her side, facing away from her. She scooted her butt into Izzy, which made Izzy feel a little better.
Izzy molded her body around her, spooning her. All of the intimacy they’d shared earlier seemed to have evaporated. When Jane relaxed in her arms and pulled Izzy’s arm tightly around her, Izzy wanted to cry again. She nuzzled into the back of Jane’s neck, and despite her worries, sleep soon swept her away.
* * *
Disagreements are bound to happen even in the best of relationships. It’s what happens when two people come together with two sets of perspectives, two sets of exp
ectations, two sets of opinions. In fact, if there isn’t some sort of friction, it would be a pretty boring relationship.
Often, when a rift occurs in a relationship and the couple fixes it, the bump makes the relationship stronger by building trust and a shared experience together. It provides a base for them to work from.
A Japanese art form, called Kintsugi, is built upon the idea of making something broken into something beautiful by gluing them together with gold. If you had Kintsugi eyeglasses, you’d see a world full of people with golden lines crisscrossing all over them.
Chapter Thirty-six
Seriously, they need to put a lock on these things.” Jane caught the cascade of chocolate-covered peanuts in the cup she held under the dispenser. “I miss these great breakrooms. We’re lucky if someone leaves cookies in the coffee nook at the school.”
Izzy leaned against the island and stirred the coffee she’d just brewed. “There are probably some doughnuts from this morning’s all-hands left in the breakroom on the first floor.”
Jane made a face. “The M&M’s are bad enough.”
Audie entered the orange breakroom with a grin. “Look who’s back. Should I tell Hector you’re here to help with the quality reviews on the new release? God knows he could use the help.” She gave Jane a hug and leaned against the counter.
“I waved at him through the window of the fishbowl when I got up here. I’m sure he’ll come find me.” The big conference room in the middle of the floor was glass on four sides, so people felt as if they were fish on display when they were attending a meeting there.
Audie grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and rubbed it on her sleeve before taking a bite. “What are you here for? Just a visit?”
“I had a meeting with the recruiting team to finalize some of our new ideas for student connection between Bay Shores and Gigify. I’m just hanging out here until Izzy gets off so we can ride home together.”
Audie looked at her watch and then at Izzy. “Are you actually going home at a decent hour today?”
Izzy took a sip of her coffee and glanced at Jane. “Tonight’s the holiday party at the university. Jane’s going to show me off to her colleagues.”
“Sounds like fun,” Audie said.
Jane popped a candy into her mouth. “I’m a little nervous about it.”
“Why? Are they going to make you sing karaoke?” Audie joked.
“Ugh! I wouldn’t go if they had karaoke,” Jane said. “It’s just…I’ve never taken a date to the holiday party before.”
Audie’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Are you not out at work?”
Jane pushed her hair back. “I’m out to the other teachers and to my students. I just haven’t had the opportunity to be open about it to the higher faculty. I think the dean knows, but we’ve never talked about it.”
“Interesting.” Audie tossed her apple core into the composing bin. “I totally had you pegged as a totally out there, flag-waving lesbian.”
Jane shrugged. “There’s something about authority. It makes me feel like I need to be careful.”
“I’m sure it’s because of your parents.” The words came out before Izzy had a chance to think. She immediately regretted saying anything when Jane flashed a look at her, making her feel like she was a kindergartener who had just said something totally inappropriate. Why had she said it?
Jane put her cup of candy on the counter. “I’m aware of the root of my issues, Izzy.”
Izzy stroked Jane’s arm. “Sorry.”
Jane gave her a half-smile. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have bitten your head off. I’m going to visit the little developer’s room before we head home. Be right back.”
Izzy still felt bad and watched Jane leave the breakroom.
“You guys are so cute.” Audie hopped onto a barstool and was leaning over the counter. She lowered her voice. “How are you doing today? I haven’t seen you since your phone call the other night.”
“You were right. I was just tired.” Izzy wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened. It had been a spike of emotion, but she’d been mostly fine since then.
“We can talk about it when you’re ready.” And that was it. No pressure. One of the million reasons Izzy loved her.
Izzy took an orange from the fruit bowl and tossed it from hand to hand. She checked the doorway before she spoke. “Is it so wrong that I don’t want to go to Jane’s work party?”
Audie threw her head back and laughed. “Knowing you, no. You don’t exactly thrive in hyper-social situations with people you don’t know.”
“I don’t want to come off badly to Jane’s boss and peers.”
Audie leaned forward. “They’ll love you. Everyone loves you. But, I get it. You probably feel like you’ll be on display.”
Izzy rolled her eyes. “Thanks, Aud. I was hoping for comfort, not a reminder about how people will be sizing us up.”
Audie ignored her last comment. “How is it that she’s never brought a date to a work thing? She’s worked there how long?”
Izzy wasn’t sure what Jane would want to divulge. She decided to tell Audie what she would have told her. “Her ex is in the closet. In fact, I brought this on myself. She was planning to go alone again this year. I’m the one who asked her why I wasn’t going with her. You should have seen her eyes light up when I said it. I immediately regretted it. It was suddenly a Big Deal. And now I’m stuck.”
Audie squeezed her shoulder. “You’ll do fine. You clean up well. Wear your jacket with the elbow patches to match the scholarly thing. What’s Jane wearing?”
Izzy grinned. “A clingy black dress that shows off her entire back.”
Audie sucked air in through her teeth. “Sounds sexy as hell.”
“You don’t even know.”
“You get to watch people admiring her all night, and then you get to take her home. Imagine the build-up of sexual tension.”
“Are you seriously having fantasies about my girlfriend right in front of me?”
Audie showed no shame. “Are you kidding me? Have you looked at her? I guarantee there isn’t a straight male or a lesbian among us who hasn’t thought about your girlfriend, Iz. Hell, half the gay guys and most of the straight ladies would probably sample the goods, given the opportunity. She’s a bona fide hottie, my friend.”
Izzy agreed, but Jane’s beauty was only the smallest part of what made her so hot.
Audie shoulder-bumped her. “So, you two are pretty serious. Have you exchanged the L-word yet?”
Izzy groaned and slid a hand down her face. She didn’t want to talk about this at work.
“I take it that’s a no?”
“I haven’t told her I’m bipolar yet. I think I need to do that first.”
“What?”
“I know. I know.”
The click of Jane’s low heels preceded her through the doorway, and they both looked up as she entered the breakroom.
Jane cocked an eyebrow. “You two look like you’re conspiring over there.”
“We were just talking about what a great time you two will have tonight.” Audie was a master at changing the subject.
Jane didn’t look convinced, but she didn’t say so. “I think we will. I’m probably just being anxious for no reason.”
“With this stud on your arm, you’re golden.” Audie wrapped an arm around Izzy’s shoulders and squeezed her.
“Speaking of, why don’t we hit the road so we have time to get ready?” Izzy held a hand out to Jane. “I want to get a quick run in before we go.”
An expression of irritation flashed across Jane’s face so quickly, she wondered if she’d imagined it.
* * *
When they arrived home, Izzy went into their room to change into running shorts. It was a little chilly outside, so she wore leggings under them.
Jane leaned against the door frame with her arms crossed and watched her change.
“You look like you want to say something,” Izzy said, sitting on the edge
of the bed to tie her shoes.
“I’ve been trying not to be negative about your running because it’s something you really like to do. But sometimes, I think there’s something more to it than just the exercise. And you going tonight just reinforces the idea. You’re going to have to shower and everything, which will make us late to the party.”
Izzy finished tying her shoes. “Do we have to be there right at the start time? I thought this was more of a casual tapas-and-mingling kind of thing.”
“I wanted to be there close to the start time so we arrive with everyone else and avoid standing out.”
Izzy grinned. “Are they going to stop the party and announce us or something?”
Jane crossed her arms over her chest. “Don’t try to minimize my discomfort, Izzy.”
Izzy was sorry she’d joked. “I wasn’t trying to.”
“It sounded like you were making fun.”
“I honestly wasn’t.” But she had. Not in a mean way but more to get Jane’s mind off whatever was bothering her. But it hadn’t come out right, and now she felt as if she couldn’t say anything right. She needed to run now, just to get rid of the anxiety she was feeling about it.
“Okay. You weren’t. But do you really need to go for a run? Can’t you take one night off?”
“I’ll be quick. Twenty minutes. Maybe less, if I go faster than normal.” Izzy resented having to coax Jane into being okay with her going for a run. She’d already given up her morning runs. She needed them. They were keeping her level. She didn’t want Jane judging her or being angry about them.
“Fine. I guess it doesn’t matter how I feel.” Jane pushed herself from the door frame, headed into the bathroom, and shut the door.
Izzy didn’t know what to do. Jane was clearly upset. She refused to yell through the door, though. She would wait until she came out. But that would just make them later, and Jane was already angry. And now Izzy’s head was spinning with too many thoughts for her to know what she was actually thinking. She had to go for a run now, or she’d explode. She leashed Gus and gave Lester a treat for understanding his limitations before she headed out the door.
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