Mama: “That’s your grandfather Al. It was taken by your grandmother Carol, just before your dad and I left for Oakland.”
Then she held up another photo of a big brown horse. Al’s horse, Belle, she said. But my dad rode her, too, from the time he was a boy.
Mama: “Of course, Belle must have died by now.” Mama put the photos against her heart, then in her lap.
But I felt anger like a volcano bubbling up inside of me because of the COLOSSAL HUGE GIGANTIC TREMENDOUS fabrication by my own parents, who never told me I had other relatives!!!!!!!!! There are a hundred more synonyms I could have used, and they’d all mean BIGGER THAN BIG.
“You lied to me!” I said. Actually, I shouted.
My own parents created a fabrication for almost one whole decade!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All my life, I had believed a romantic story about two orphans falling in love, and it was a big fat lie. They may have fallen in love, but only one of them was an orphan.
I am not speaking to Mama and Sammy at this point in time.
Love,
Pen
FRIDAY, MAY 29, 2015
Dear You,
I have only had a few tiny conversations with Mama and Sammy since last night. They have done almost all of the talking.
Mama: “Honey, we just didn’t want you to get hurt. But adults don’t always do the right thing, especially when they are hurting, too.”
Sammy: “We made a big mistake. We tried to protect you too much.”
Mama: “I am so sorry, sweetheart.”
Sammy: “I hope you will forgive us one day. Everyone should know who her relatives are.”
Me, to all that: SILENCE.
Mama, with a sheepish smile. And SHEEPISH has nothing to do with sheep, if you remember, You.
“Isn’t it wonderful that of all the people in Junoville, your letter found its way to your own grandfather? Could it be some sort of sign?”
Me, because I couldn’t help it: “There aren’t THAT many people in Junoville, so it’s not that amazing!!!! Anyway, I thought you said you didn’t believe in signs and magical thinking and superstitions!”
Mama: “Well, maybe I’m starting to.”
Me: “Hmmmf!!!!!”
Sammy: “Will you ever speak to us again? It’s getting boring around here without your conversations and questions.”
Me: SILENCE.
I have to admit that not talking to Mama and Sammy is harder than going on a hunger strike.
I told Gabby, and she was flabbergasted at what has happened. But she said she sort of understands how both sides feel. I’m not sure I do.
Love,
Penny
SATURDAY, MAY 30, 2015
Oh, Mama.
Oh, You.
Please, please hold on to each other.
2 P.M..
Mama and Sammy have left for the hospital. Mama was having some contractions. You want to be born.
3 P.M..
It’s too early for you to be born! You have some more growing to do. Just about two months’ worth.
Uncle Ziggy is here, we are scared, and I’m so, so, so sorry.
9 P.M..
Why did I upset Mama by expressing my disappointment and by not having empathy?
Uncle Ziggy said it was ABSOLUTELY NOT my fault!
Love,
Penny
SUNDAY, MAY 31, 2015
Dear You,
Mama is coming home this afternoon. The contractions inside of her have stopped. You and she are fine so far. The doctors told her to rest in bed. You wanted to come a bit too early, but I guess you changed your mind.
1 P.M..
I AM SO RELIEVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mama and you are home.
I think this has been my fault. Sammy says “ABSOLUTELY NOT.” She must have told me that forty-two times. Still, I don’t believe her.
7 P.M.
I want to make a few vows.
I vow to take care of Mama as much as I can.
I will never yell at Mama again. Or Sammy.
And I have been spending much too much time scribbling in this journal and thinking about basketball, and, of course, fabricating. Winning isn’t everything, and losing isn’t the end of the world. That’s what a mature person understands.
And if you will just hang on for a little while longer, You, I HEREBY MAKE A SOLEMN VOW TO BE A BETTER HUMAN BEING IN GENERAL. I VOW TO WORK INCREDIBLY HARD TO BE AN OLDER, MATURE SISTER YOU WILL BE PROUD OF. I WILL NO LONGER FABRICATE. I WILL EVEN TELL MR. CHEN THE TRUTH ABOUT MY DNA ASAP. I WILL EVEN STAND UP ON THAT STAGE IN THE AUDITORIUM AND CONFESS IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL!!!! AND, OF COURSE, CONFESS ALL TO MAMA AND SAMMY.
If you will only, only continue to hold on, You.
We will meet again in person after you are born. Meanwhile, I will be busy helping Sammy around the house, making sure Mama rests, concentrating hard on being mature, and building up my courage to tell the truth.
So until you are born,
Love,
Penelope
FRIDAY, JUNE 5, 2015
Dear You,
Hello, I’m back.
Yesterday, Mama said she couldn’t stand me slouching around the house with a long face, staring at her with big, mopey eyes. I told her I just wanted to help out. I have been racing home after school every day. Mama stays on the couch most of the time. The days are very warm, so Sammy plugged in a fan that slowly blows cool air on Mama’s perspiring face. Sammy and I bring her trays of sandwiches and cold lemonade.
Mama: “Do you want to know how you can help out?”
Me: “How?”
Mama: “You can do three things.”
Me: “Sure, anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Mama: “NUMBER ONE: Go outside and shoot hoops with Gabby. Every day. NUMBER TWO: Get back to your journal. Writing makes you feel better. NUMBER THREE: Watch the NBA Finals against Cleveland with Sammy and me. You can educate us about basketball and how to be great Warriors fans.”
Three easy things. Three things I would love to do. Three things that feel like three gifts I really don’t deserve.
I began their education right away. We watched game one together in bed with Mama last night.
Then I gave them homework. Actually, it was a quiz. I gave them permission to use YouTube if they were stumped.
Love,
Pen
QUIZ FOR MAMA AND SAMMY JUNE 4, 2015, GAME ONE, NBA FINALS V CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
I am beginning your quiz with an easy question.
1. Who won and what was the score?
2. Who is the Cavs’ star player and how many points did he score?
3. Why does everyone hate LeBron James?
4. Which team had the most rebounds?
5. Which Warrior had a concussion in his last game but was able to score twenty-one points?
6. Who cheered the loudest in our house?
SATURDAY, JUNE 6, 2015
Dear You,
Mama and Sammy did well on their quiz except for #3. They said that they couldn’t understand why everyone is so enraged at the Cavs’ LeBron James, just because he is such a good player.
They are recent fans, so I had to explain about LeBron being a traitor to the Cavs and leaving them for the Heat and how heartbroken the Cavs fans had been. And how even though he returned to them, many people still can’t forgive him.
Sammy says that HATE and TRAITOR and HEART-BROKEN are very strong words to use when talking about a basketball game, but I certainly don’t agree.
Love,
Penny
SUNDAY, JUNE 7, 2015
Dear You,
While I was not speaking to Mama and Sammy, they were busy speaking to Al Wolney. They emailed him. Then they phoned him. I was flabbergasted. They told me they wanted to make amends to both him and me, if it wasn’t too late.
So guess what? This afternoon we all Skyped him.
Mama: “You look well, Al.”
Al: “You and Samantha look exactly the same
! But who is that young lady with you?”
Me: “I’m Penelope.”
Duh.
Al: “You mentioned that we don’t have a professional basketball team out here. True, but I like the game. I would really enjoy talking basketball with you some time.”
Me: “Sure.”
I was too shy to look him in the eye. But when you Skype someone, you are supposed to look at the tiny camera hole at the top of the computer. The other person thinks you are looking straight at him, but you really aren’t.
I did take a quick peek at him.
Al has a big gray beard and kind eyes and a giant smile. He has much, much less hair on his head than in the old photo he sent of himself and my parents. So I guess the wind in his hair in his book title happened a long time ago. I think I saw a gap between his front two teeth, like my dad’s.
He still seemed like a stranger, though. Not a grandfather.
After we’d all chatted a bit more and said goodbye, I asked Mama and Sammy why they’d forgiven Al. Mama said that the great thing about forgiveness is that the forgiver feels just as good as the forgiven.
Sammy: “People learn and change. Look at us! We’re basketball fans now.”
Mama: “And by the way, are WE forgiven?”
Me: “Depends how you do on the next quiz.”
Game two was a loss, 93–95. Mama and Sammy were just as disappointed as I was. But Mama and Sammy admitted that watching the game all the way through made everything more exciting.
Duh! It’s about time they found that out.
Love,
Penny
PS. I am thinking about the people in my own life I haven’t forgiven.
QUIZ FOR MAMA AND SAMMY JUNE 7, 2015, GAME TWO, NBA FINALS V CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
1. Who won and what was the score?
2. For each team, which player had the most points?
3. Give the main reason why people didn’t think the Cavs would win.
4. Who hit LeBron in the face in the fourth quarter?
5. How was this game similar to the end of game one?
6. Who made the last free throws of the game?
MONDAY, JUNE 8, 2015
Dear You,
What to Expect says you weigh over three pounds already. You are around eighteen inches.
Good for you, You.
I want you to know that
I have grown up a little, too. I have kept my vow.
It isn’t easy to fix a lie. It’s like untying a tight knot in a shoelace. Not that long ago, I used to get lots of knots in my shoelaces, because I wasn’t used to tying bows. On account of all those sneakers with Velcro straps I wore when I was little.
But today after school, I told Mr. Chen I needed to talk to him about something important. I was nervous. My hands were shaking, so if I had a real knot to untie, I probably couldn’t have done it.
Mr. Chen was at his desk. His summer tie had a pale blue sky, a dark green ocean, and an empty golden beach with two bare feet sticking up. If you looked at it long enough, you could imagine yourself lying on that beach.
Here is his tie:
You may think I’m digressing. But I’m not. It was a hot day, and Mr. Chen’s tie made me feel cooler and calmer. And so did his kind, kind eyes.
I just blurted everything out right away. I told him that the early Ohlone are not really my ancestors. They are Sammy’s.
Me: “Sammy is my mother’s domestic partner. She has adopted me, but we are not really related through DNA. I borrowed her heritage. I guess my imagination got carried away when I told you about it the first time.”
“It happens,” said Mr. Chen kindly.
But then I told him that it wasn’t only my imagination. Because I knew darn well I’d been fabricating, and then I got stuck inside my fabricating and I couldn’t climb out. Like sinking into a big muddy sinkhole.
And even the basket was a lie, because it only existed in Mele Grace’s memory, I told him.
ME: “I did lots of research, though. It was all extremely interesting.”
I showed Mr. Chen my poodle notebook with all my Ohlone notes and my drawings, copied from the books he’d lent me, from what I remembered from third grade, and from what I’d learned from Sammy and her relatives. I told him about the protests at the Bay Street mall.
He looked thoughtful, leafing through the pages of the notebook.
Me: “At this point in time I have some information about my Wyoming relatives. I can talk about them instead. But first, I want to confess my lie to the whole school.”
Mr. Chen: “This is wonderful research, Penny. And I can tell how sorry you are. It seems to me you can still present your research about both sides of your family. I think the younger grades and their teachers would appreciate your personal experience with regards to what they are studying. You have some important things to share. And Sammy is your parent, after all.”
Me: “I know she is.”
Mr. Chen: “So go for it!”
I ran home because I couldn’t wait to tell Mama and Sammy the whole story. They said they were mostly sorry I had been keeping everything inside all this time.
Well, no, I said. I told Gabby and Hazel, and I have been writing about it in my golden retriever journal. They were both very glad to hear that.
Mama: “But we should have told you the truth all along. Maybe that’s why you felt you needed that story about your heritage. Big secrets can make a family sing off-key.”
“That’s a good use of metaphor, Mama,” I said.
I liked her word story too, even though I knew lie was the better word.
Sammy: “And of course you should talk about my family’s history in your presentation! But why do you have to say ‘parent by domestic partnership’? Can’t you drop a few words and just say ‘parent’?”
Me: “Of course I can.”
I love Sammy so much.
Love,
Penelope
LATER, BEFORE BED
Here is one of Mr. Al Wolney’s poems. It doesn’t rhyme, and I don’t really understand it, but I like it. He uses his senses, which Mr. Chen says is a good thing to do when you write. Mr. Chen also says that, sometimes, you don’t have to totally understand a poem to think it is beautiful.
Ah, Belle,
Daughter of Juno,
pounding hoof
kind eye
ear soft to my touch
sweet smell of hay
more precious now than then.
I guess he is saying he is awfully lonely since his horse and wife died. He didn’t really say that in his letter, but he said it in his poem.
WHAT I LOVE TO TOUCH
Mama’s belly
Flower petals
Warm water in the bath
A dog’s nose
Mele Grace’s cheek
TUESDAY, JUNE 9, 2015
Dear You,
Gabby and I walked over to Hazel’s house after school. When we rang the doorbell, she opened the door right away, as if she had been waiting for us, even though we hadn’t phoned in advance or anything. Maybe she had been looking out the window every day, hoping we’d come by.
I’m glad we did. She looked so happy to see us.
Hazel, talking very fast: “Penny, I have thought and thought about everything. I should have said something to Rick! Please don’t think I agreed with him. I should have been a better friend. I was just so, so sad and mixed-up that week. Please accept my absolutely sincerest utmost apology.”
Hazel said she still hated Rick, but she is trying to make the best of things. And the other day, Hazel’s mother and Rick had a fight and Hazel’s mom yelled at Rick to move back to Colorado. But Rick asked to stay. Hazel told him that if he stayed, he had to stop bossing her around, because he is not her father or her stepfather. And he had to try to stop smoking and work on his prejudices.
Rick has begun Smokenders Online. She is not sure if he is working on his prejudices.
Me: “Sometime
s people learn and change.”
Hazel: “Hope so. But will you please accept my apology?”
Me: “Yes, I accept it.”
That is all we both needed to say. I thought it would be harder to repair a friendship gone wrong, but it was actually easy. And forgiveness really does feel good. Gabby forgave her, too.
Then Hazel asked her mother to phone Mrs. Applebaum and ask if we could visit Nell. Hazel said Mrs. Applebaum is always home and always says yes, and Hazel was right. Hazel’s mom drove us over.
Mrs. Applebaum: “Welcome! I just happened to make some fresh yogurt from the goats’ milk! Let’s have it in the backyard with Nell.”
Nell nuzzled our hair when we hugged her. You could tell she remembered all of us. And it made us happy to know that Nell has some goat buddies. Mrs. Applebaum says Nell gets along with all the other goats and seems to have overcome her biting and butting problem (hee-hee).
Nell: “M-AH-AH-AH-AH!”
We think she was saying, “I’M OK. DON’T WORRY!”
By the way, yogurt made from goat’s milk must be an acquired taste. Hazel and her mom gobbled theirs down, but they had previously acquired a taste for it. Gabby and I are not sure we actually want to acquire a taste for it, but we ate some anyway. We will be visiting Nell pretty regularly, and we don’t want to hurt nice Mrs. Applebaum’s feelings.
Love,
Penelope
PS. I really wanted a win in game three, especially the night before my presentation, but we lost 91–96. I am trying to be mature and hopeful. But I began to worry that if the Dubs lost to the Cavs, then my presentation wouldn’t go well. Sammy slapped her hand to her forehead and said my presentation has absolutely nothing to do with the game and everything will be fine. And to STOP being superstitious.
It did make me feel better about my presentation to yell at the Cavs on TV tonight.
QUIZ FOR MAMA AND SAMMY JUNE 9, 2015, GAME THREE, NBA FINALS V. CLEVELAND CAVALIERS
Love, Penelope Page 12
