“Maybe after work. I’m calling the pastor today. We can’t go on like this, Hope. We need help, and I see that now.” James rubbed his face and peered deep into my eyes. “I love you so much, but I feel like I’m losing you. I don’t know what to do.”
Guilt knotted my throat. Rather than speaking, I wrapped my arms around his neck and sat on his lap. I rested my head on his shoulder. His shoulders shook and I knew he was crying. My husband rarely cried, so whatever was bothering him must be tearing his heart out. “I saw her, Hope. When you were in L.A.”
My body stiffened. He saw her? Was he talking about his ex? I was gone for less than a week…and he saw her?
“She stopped by the house when you weren’t home. Jimmy was at a friend’s.”
I slid from his lap and eased onto the chair next to him. “And…?”
“Nothing happened.” The look on his face confused me. His expression suggested he spoke the truth. But he was a man and she was gorgeous.
“Nothing…happened?” Our sexual troubles coincided with that time frame. She came over, and he hid that from me. He secretly kept a nude photo of his ex in his drawer. How was that nothing?
“I meant nothing big happened. She wanted to talk and apologize for cheating on me when we were married. I guess the man she’d left me for divorced her for someone else. I told her I wasn’t interested. Then she sent me the note.”
“Did you talk to her after that?” My voice sounded scratchy.
“She left messages. I never called back. It was too much temptation for me.”
Oh, boy. He had resisted temptation, and I hadn’t. That was, if he spoke the truth.
“I find it hard to believe that she didn’t try something with you. Canada is not exactly close by. She had to have driven half the day to get here.”
“She wanted to spend the night. I sent her away. Honestly, Hope. The guilt has been eating at me all this time. I should’ve told you before. I’m sorry.”
I could tell from the look in his eyes that he meant every word. But why did I get the impression there was more to the story?
“So you didn’t know she was coming over and she just popped in when Jimmy just so happened to be at a friend’s house?” Clenching my fists, I rested my hands on my legs, my nails digging into my palms.
“She called first. I sent Jimmy to his friend’s house so we could talk. Until I saw her again, I didn’t realize I still had feelings for her.”
Okay, now that made me cry. I covered my face and hunched over my legs.
“Hope.” James pulled me close. “I should’ve told you. I’m sorry.” His voice croaked. “At least we didn’t do anything. She was pretty mad when she left. I think she hoped the picture would get my attention and I’d call her. But I didn’t. I won’t.”
Raising my head, I knew my eyes must look swollen. “So why keep the picture?”
Exasperated, James rubbed his head. “I don’t know. Maybe in case you lost interest in me. I wasn’t thinking. But I’ve gotten rid of it, Hope. I burned it last night.”
I had no choice but to believe him. I knew the letter and envelope were gone since he’d torn them up right in front of me. James may be a bit of a tease, but he was otherwise an honest, hard-working man.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
James drew me into his arms again for a brief hug. He sucked in a deep breath and released it. “Wow, confession really is good for the soul. I feel better already.”
He tweaked my chin, then kissed me briefly on the lips. “I’ll see you tonight. I have to leave now or I’ll be late for work.”
Then he was gone.
*****
At ten thirty I seriously debated on whether or not I should still keep my “date” with Tony. After all, I technically couldn’t call him to cancel, since he’d told me not to, but I didn’t want to stiff him either. So I did the lesser of two evils and called.
“This is Tony.” His sexy accent made me shiver. It always made me shiver.
“Hey.” That was all I could get out. My throat closed up. Tears rolled down my cheeks.
“You there? Hope?” His voice sounded concerned. “Is there problem? I know you would not call me on phone unless there is problem.”
“I…I don’t think I should come over today. I just wanted to let you know.” There. I’d gotten it out. This had to end. God knows I didn’t want it to, and I was weakening by the minute. Something about Tony just drew me. But I had to be strong.
“Oh, but I look forward to seeing you. I miss you. I will move in a month and never see you again. Is anything I can do for changing your mind?”
“I don’t think so.” My breath hitched and my chest pounded as I waited for his response. I was so close to changing my mind and seeing him that even a little bit of encouragement on his end would tip the scales in his favor.
“What if I promise this be the last time we make love? Would that change your mind for you? I just want to be inside you one more time, Bella Speranza. Please?” His voice deepened and I could hear the desire in his words. Drat, I wanted to see him regardless of my effort to the contrary. I could feel his kisses, his touch…in my mind.
“Okay. But just this once. No more after this. I can’t keep seeing you.” I sighed.
“Is great. I be here waiting. Please, hurry.” The purr in his voice made my body throb.
Without considering the consequences, I touched up my makeup in the mirror, pulled on a jacket, grabbed my purse and keys, and drove to Tony’s house.
For some reason, knowing this would never happen again made me want to enjoy it all the more. Before I stepped inside Tony’s house, every inch of me longed for him. He sat on his leather couch and patted the cushion. “Tell me what bothers you, Hope.”
I sat beside him, willing myself to be honest and not cry. “I think my husband is coming around. He wants to get help.”
Sadness appeared in Tony’s eyes. “Is that why you no longer want to see me?”
“Yes…no…I don’t know.” I exhaled deeply at the intensity of his gaze. “Of course I want to see you, but it’s wrong.”
Tony touched my cheek. “But it feels so right.” Leaning toward me, he drew me into a lazy, heady kiss that sent all of my senses on edge. Something forbidden always seemed so much sweeter. And I was tangled in the sticky web of his passion.
My breathing grew heavy as I removed my clothing. He prepared himself for our encounter and I watched with longing, wishing my husband responded to me physically like Tony did. Why couldn’t Tony be my James?
Or James want me like Tony obviously did…
Shoving that thought from my mind, I grabbed his hand to lead him to the bedroom. He shook his head. “Stay here…stay with me.”
When I realized what he wanted to do, I became drunk with desire and climbed on his lap. The sensation of him inside me was more powerful than a narcotic drug and I gently rocked on his lap until he couldn’t handle it anymore.
He writhed under me and the sexy look in his blazing eyes made me want him all the more. Maybe it was lust, maybe it wasn’t. But whatever that look meant, I wanted to see it again. I adjusted my position and we cuddled like that for a good ten minutes before he said anything. “I wish I not have to move to Michigan now. It will be so hard for me because you make me so happy.”
That struck me as ironic, because seeing him—as exciting as it had been—felt like it was ripping my life apart. “Well, you make me miserable.”
Tony’s eyes grew wide. “How is this so?”
“I’ll be honest with you, Tony. I love my husband more than anyone, but the more we do this, the stronger my feelings are for you. It’s so wrong. It’s confusing, and I hate this feeling.” I dropped my head to his shoulder and sighed, trying hard not to cry.
“I am sorry it hurts you so much to be with me.” He buried his face in my neck and held me close. “I feel like I can talk about everything to you. You never get angry with me. I must see you, Bella Speranza. I can�
�t stop seeing you. I want you so bad…”
His breathing deepened and his excitement grew, now nudging me as his lips slowly traveled across my neck and chest. I marveled at the stamina this man had, and I longed for more. Closing my eyes as he entered my body, I imagined James making love to me. That’s when I decided to keep seeing Tony. I would just imagine James loving me like this.
Because I was hopelessly addicted.
Chapter 8
That night after a quick supper I dropped Jimmy off in the youth building and went to my Bible study class. It’s just for women. James usually attends the class for men, so I don’t always see him if he arrives late. From the looks of things, he might not make it at all. I’d missed several weeks of Bible study already, so I had to go.
But I dreaded it.
Big time.
Ironically, the book our class was in the middle of studying contained a variety of topics, and this week’s topic was…trust. I cringed inwardly. I doubted I’d be saying anything tonight or I might spill the beans. Besides, my buddy Angela was home sick with her kids, so I didn’t have a close friend in the group. Oh, I had friends, but not ones I’d entrust my deepest, darkest secrets to. Not in this group.
As we opened with prayer I tipped my head down, but I didn’t close my eyes. It felt too hypocritical to be reverent right now. Yet, I needed some spiritual input before I became so depraved that I stopped attending church altogether. That would be the worst thing I could do to myself and to my family.
So I stuck it out, uncomfortable as I was.
A deep discussion about marital trust ensued after we reviewed the lesson. One woman, Maryanne, shared about her recent separation, and with tears in her eyes told the group that she didn’t know if she could ever forgive her husband for the adulterous affair he’d been involved in.
Tears now cascading down her cheeks, she said, “I love him, but I don’t trust him, so I don’t think I could ever love him again like a wife should. And that scares me.”
I reflected on my own situation and anger stirred within me. My husband had neglected me so much that he’d practically nudged me on to another man’s lap. I opened my mouth to speak, but thought better of it.
“Hope, something on your mind?” Annabelle asked.
Annabelle, who never had any problems of her own. Or at least none that she would openly share with the group. And she expected me to open my heart? Hardly!
“Just wondering how things got so bad.” I looked at the tearful young lady and handed her a tissue. “Did you sense something was wrong before you found out?”
Okay, maybe that sounded insensitive, but I really wondered, and had some questions of my own. Maybe she had some insight that would help me.
Maryanne twisted the tissue in her hands. “I don’t know. Maybe because I was working a lot and going to school. I would be so tired. My husband wanted sex every night and I was just too exhausted to get enthusiastic, you know?”
I soaked in that information as I listened to the other’s comments.
“That gave him no right to break your wedding vows. If he loved you like he said he did, then he’d be faithful to you. I don’t think you should go back to him,” Claire said angrily as her fist hit the table.
Claire’s husband had left her two years ago and she still held a lot of anger against him. Now her daughters had no discipline and dressed like little hookers. Claire’s whole life seemed to have gone down the tubes. I used to empathize more with her, thinking she was an innocent victim, but now I wasn’t sure. Maybe her anger had alienated them all.
The more deeply I got sucked into my affair, the more I realized that there was more to the sin than what was obvious to everyone else. There was a deep hurt, a lack of communication, and selfishness on both ends. Sure, there were probably rare occasions when someone cheated on their spouse for no apparent reason, but at this point I was convinced it took two people to make a marriage weak enough to succumb to adultery.
“Have you thought about counseling?” The words slipped out of my mouth before I could hold them back.
Maryanne blinked. “I…I don’t know. I guess I hadn’t thought about it.”
“Has he given any indication that he might want to make your marriage work?”
She nodded. “Yes, Raymond calls me every night, crying and saying he is very sorry. He says he didn’t mean to hurt me.” Maryanne wiped her nose. “But how can I ever trust him again?”
“Depends on how much you love him, I guess. I think you have to make a decision to trust your spouse, whether you feel like it or not. Trust is a decision, just like love is.”
I couldn’t believe my own ears. Here I sat spouting words of wisdom to the hurting women around me, and just this morning I’d had a wildly sensual and adulterous encounter with a man who was not only NOT my husband, but a married man himself. No one could feel more depraved than I, or more guilty, but I still couldn’t share the truth about myself with them. I was too afraid.
However, I did test the waters with a question, just to see the response I’d get.
“What if you were say, twenty-five years old and your husband just stopped paying attention to you. No reason given. What would you do? Would you do like Tamar in the Old Testament and try to seduce him anyway, like she did when she waited on the side of the road? Or would you be faithful to him no matter what?”
“What a ridiculous scenario. No man would do that!” Claire rolled her eyes. “All men want is sex, sex, and more sex.”
Annabelle coughed. I looked at her. “Not all men. My husband stopped paying attention to me about a year before he died from his heart attack.”
“Yeah, but he was fifty. That’s not twenty-five.” Claire snorted.
I peered at Annabelle, amazed at the sensitivity of her disclosure. She’d never shared personal things before. Never! I’d thought she was as close to perfect as a Christian woman could get.
Wondering how she handled her situation, I asked, “How’d you deal with the pain?”
Annabelle shrugged. “I prayed a lot, wept a lot. In the end I realized it was his health more than anything that had made him pull away from me. His circulation was messed up from his heart condition and neither of us realized that’s what had caused his problems. If he had seen a doctor for his impotency, maybe he would’ve gotten it fixed before his heart gave out on him.”
“Really?” I blinked.
Could James have a health problem that was causing his difficulty? He was almost the same age. Maybe there was hope after all! Excitement bubbled within me until I thought about the past few weeks and what I’d done behind my husband’s back. I wanted so much to tell him, and at the same time I never wanted him to know. It would kill him to find out that I was no different than the others who had cheated on him.
“Yes. But it’s too late now.” Annabelle sighed. “I just wish I hadn’t held it against him. It wasn’t his fault, but at the time I thought he didn’t want me anymore.” She grabbed a tissue and wiped her nose.
That was the most emotion I’d ever seen from her in all the years we’d attended the same church. So why couldn’t I open up?
Because I was the other woman. It was different for me.
The affair was my fault.
“You okay?” Maryanne tapped my hand.
I hadn’t realized until my chin started itching that I was crying. Shaking my head no, I stood and excused myself. Running into the bathroom, I sat in a stall and sobbed. Nothing was worth this kind of heartache! Not even Tony.
When I finally looked presentable, I exited the ladies’ room. My husband stood at the end of the hall talking to our pastor. I watched as the pastor laid hands on James and prayed for him. James wept and hugged our pastor tight, slapping him on his back like men do when they’re trying to be affectionate without getting too intimate.
Jimmy sat at a table in the rec room with his friend and had a deck of cards in his hands. Since he didn’t seem ready to leave anyway, I approached m
y husband and the pastor. “Hey, James, Pastor.”
My husband held me tight and whispered into my ear, “I told the pastor about my problem. That we can’t…you know…I…I want us to get some counseling, Hope.”
Shock from his statement hit me like ice water to my chest, making me suck in my breath. He’d told the pastor that he couldn’t stay aroused? After being so angry and fearful that someone would find out about us? I didn't understand, but supposed I should be thankful we were now heading in the right direction.
“Okay.” I peered at him, then over at the pastor. Following like a child, I let my husband lead me by the hand to the pastor’s office until he sat down. I eased on to the chair next to my husband. Someone knocked on the door. “Mom, Dad?”
“Yes, son?” I cleared my throat.
“Can I play some more cards before we go home?”
I sighed with relief. He’d be occupied while we talked.
“Sure, just be back here in fifteen minutes. K?”
“K, Mom.” I heard his feet slapping the tile flooring as he scampered off.
Our pastor said, “Let’s open with a word of prayer.”
I bowed my head, but didn’t close my eyes. I peeked over at James, who captured my gaze with a hopeful look. He really wanted to work on our marriage. I could tell from the look on his face that he wasn’t giving up hope.
“Amen.”
I rubbed my eyes. I hadn’t heard the prayer, but I’m sure it was appropriate. Deciding to play it cool, I waited for someone to speak.
“Hope.” James reached for my hand. “I love you more than life itself. You know that? I don’t ever want to lose you.”
I pinched my eyes shut, trying my best to hold in the pain. Now would not be a good time to confess all my sins. I’d never be able to face the pastor or any of my friends again. So I nodded and kept my head down.
“Listen to me, Hope. I’ve been a jerk. You shouldn’t have to put up with me, but you do. I just want you to know that there is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you. I’ve just been angry with myself. I want to please you, but…”
Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) Page 8
