But I remained silent and kissed him instead, hoping he’d sense my longing through our final kiss. My hands clutched the back of his head, and I slid my fingers into his hair at the nape of his neck.
Somehow I just knew he understood my pain and my grief-stricken thoughts. I sensed it in his heated kisses and in the tension cording his muscles as I paused and pulled back. The haunted look in his eyes mirrored my emotion.
And though Tony may have cheated on his wife with me, I could tell his feelings were sincere, at least as much as they could be given the circumstances.
“Oh, Bella Speranza, I want you so bad. Just one more time,” he breathed against my lips, “please.” Before I could answer, he’d slid his hands into my shirt and unhooked my bra. That was all it took and I was caught up in the moment.
Oh, sweet agony, I wanted to join him in bed again. So I let him take control and followed his lead, this time into his bedroom. We lay on his canopied king sized bed and he removed my clothing, kissing me the entire time.
The fire inside me stirred again as he trailed kissed down my neck, until our passion blazed out of control. He became more aggressive as he gazed deep into my eyes, and I loved every minute of it.
This was what I longed for James to do. To love me like this. With such devotion and abandon that nothing else mattered.
I felt myself losing control, amazed that I still had it in me to respond so strongly after our previous encounter. And while Tony loved me with such passion that I grieved the coming loss of our relationship, I allowed myself to savor every sensation until I was physically spent. This time the duration of our lovemaking was shorter, but the experience no less heated.
After several minutes of holding each other, we finally parted. I tried not to think about how Tony had taken me to his bed this time. The one he shared with his wife. Wondering what that meant, if anything, I quickly dressed, then grabbed my keys and purse. I didn’t look back.
I couldn’t.
Weeping silent tears, I pulled out of his driveway. The most frightening thing happened as I drove away. I saw his wife turning on to their street and she was driving Tony’s pickup.
Could things have gotten any closer to disaster? I didn’t want to know.
But something told me the moment she stepped inside their house that life as I’d currently known it would cease to exist. I just had a foreboding feeling Tony was going to catch hell for what we’d just done. His wife would know. Especially if he’d left the evidence of our encounters on the floor. Or she noticed the messy bed. One look at those square wrappers and his wife would know the truth.
Closing my eyes, I hoped with everything in me that he’d cleaned up the bedroom and the couch before she arrived inside and saw the mess we’d made. I even considered calling him with my cell phone, but decided there wasn’t enough time to warn him. I had to let the proverbial chips fall, but I couldn’t shake the sense of impending doom.
Like a specter, it haunted me, until I wanted to scream.
Chapter 13
I tossed and turned all night. James seemed restless as well, though I couldn’t say for certain if I bothered him with my continual movement, or if he’d have been up anyway. That’s the thing with tension in marriage, it leads to horrible sleeping patterns. And the quality of our communication lately had a lot to be desired. But that was mostly my fault.
My burning conscience wouldn’t give me peace of mind. There’d be no decent rest for me until I told James the whole truth. But I couldn’t bear to hurt him.
So the next morning after he went to work and I made sure Jimmy was safely on the school bus, I called my big sister in Montana to get her advice.
“Allison, you home?” I spoke in to her machine. She always screened her calls, so that was the only way I could get her to pick up the phone.
“Hope? Do you realize what time it is?” My sister yawned.
I glanced at the clock. “It’s not that early.”
She sighed. “Guess I needed to get out of bed anyway. So what’s up?”
“I need some big sister type advice.” I ran my fingers through my bangs and plopped on the couch. I still couldn’t believe that Tony’s wife hadn’t found out about us. If she knew something was going on, I figured she’d at least call or something.
Unless she didn’t care that much for Tony. When I reflected back to the night I saw them in the store together, I knew that wasn’t true. She obviously cared about him. I saw the evidence on her face when she spoke to him.
For a moment I wondered if Tony had lied to me. What if his relationship with his wife wasn’t that bad and he was just a cheating kind of guy? I shook off the thought.
“Hope? You still there?” My sister released an exasperated sigh. “Are you daydreaming again? You need to stop doing that. It makes me think I’ve lost the connection.”
Blinking, I forced my mind to focus. “Sorry.”
“So…?” I sensed impatience in her voice and wondered if I had made the right decision calling her.
Before I could talk myself out of it I blurted, “I’m having an affair.”
Dead silence.
After what seemed like forever, I asked, “Did you hear me?”
She replied with a scratchy voice. “Yeah. I did. Want to talk about it?”
So I spilled it. Every last detail that I could think of, including that I’d seen Tony for the last time yesterday and that we would never meet or talk to each other again.
“Wow.” Her voice held a tinge of awe.
“What do you mean by that?”
“This is so amazing. You know, our mom did the same thing. She had an affair with a married man. When we were little. Remember when dad flew us to New Jersey and mom didn’t come with us?”
Oh yeah, I remembered flying to New Jersey. The experienced had scarred me for life. The sense of doom, the separation from my mother. But I hadn’t known why we’d left town without her. I remembered dad’s anger and mom’s continual crying, but I was only five at the time, so I didn’t understand the circumstances. But Allison had just turned ten, so she understood, obviously.
“So why didn’t you ever tell me?” My throat tightened.
“I don't know. I guess I didn’t see the point. You were already hurt by what happened, but I think you’d blocked it out. I didn’t want to bring the memories back and cause you more pain. Mom had taken you with her to see Manuel a few times before dad found out. You really liked him. I only saw him one time. He was really handsome. Tall, dark, brown eyes, the works.”
“I did? I liked him? But I don’t remember anything about him. It’s like all the details have been completely erased from my brain.” I closed my eyes and tried to remember, but nothing came to me. Nothing but a vision of my mother crying and my parents arguing. I didn’t remember anything else. But I still sensed the terror of not knowing what was happening. Sometimes emotional memories never leave. This was one of them.
“I remember when Dad forgave her. We moved back home about a month later. You were so happy!” I heard the emotion in Allison’s voice.
“What about you?” I remembered my sister being angry a lot. Maybe that was why.
“Oh, I didn’t want to be there. I avoided talking to mom for almost a year. Then I gave my heart to God and I forgave her. It honestly doesn’t bother me anymore.”
That’s when I thought about Jimmy and how much this could hurt our relationship. Would he be angry with me for a year? Would he refuse to talk to me? That would break my heart, would crush it.
“What if Jimmy hates me, Allison? What if he feels that way about me when he finds out what I’ve done?” Tears rolled down my cheeks, but I didn’t brush them away. I choked on a sob and brought my knees to my chest as I curled into a ball on the couch.
“You’ll have to tell them eventually. But I’d tell James first. And I’d tell him in a safe place, like in the pastor’s office or something. Just in case.”
“In case what?” I hadn’t th
ought about needing to be safe from my husband.
“Some men get violent when affairs are disclosed. You already know James has a temper. I’m just saying you need to be careful.”
“But James has never hurt me before. Except…” I remembered the time I’d caught him excited on the couch and he’d shoved me off of him and yelled in my face. I had the worst headache after my head hit the coffee table. But that was the only time I remembered him being aggressive toward me. And I’d asked for it by startling him in the first place.
“Has he hurt you before? Tell me the truth, Hope.”
“Not really.” I closed my eyes. The truth was too shameful to mention. Besides, most likely he’d divorce me. I couldn’t imagine him doing anything else. James wasn’t like my dad. Then again, James had said he’d never get divorced again for any reason. Plus we have Jimmy to think about.
What if James wanted sole custody? I’d rather die than lose my son.
Oh, what have I done?
“When you’re ready to tell me what’s really going on, call me.” My sister’s voice sounded tight. I must’ve hurt her by holding back information. So I spilled it. I told her about that night when James pushed me off his lap. I told her about his ex-wife’s picture in his drawer. I let it all out.
“Whoa. This is more complicated than I ever imagined, Hope. Your husband needs some counseling.”
“I know. But he won’t get any. He’d rather ignore everything that’s wrong. And ignore me.” I choked on my last sentence.
“Oh, Hope, I’m so sorry this happened. Do you want me to come visit? Maybe I can be there when you tell him. Would that help?”
“It might.” Though we both knew James didn’t care much for Allison, he respected her as my only sibling and all the family I had left. He wouldn’t hurt me if she were there. So I agreed.
Then I realized that I was actually afraid for the first time since I’d married James. I’d never had a reason to fear my husband before. But now I couldn’t take any chances.
“Sure, Ally. Why don’t you make plans to come stay for a week or two just to get me through the roughest part of this nightmare?”
“You got it. See you soon, Little Sis.”
So I hung up feeling light-headed and even a tad excited. My big sister would support me. She’d be here for me when my world fell apart. What more could a sister ask for?
If only she could fix it. Make it go away. But that wasn’t possible.
I turned on the hot water and stepped into the shower. Reaching for the brown sugar scrub, I inhaled the sweet scent and wracking emotion made me hunch over in the shower. I’d never see Tony again. I’d never felt so low, like he’d died.
Tears rolled down my cheeks and mingled with the spray from the showerhead as I tried to catch my breath. I was getting so tired of the pain. I reached for the razor to shave my legs and for a moment entertained the thought of slitting my wrists. By the time James would get home that night I would’ve bled to death.
But then I thought about how Jimmy would get home first and if he found his mother dead it might traumatize him for life. So I shook off the idea and proceeded to shave and scrub my skin with brown sugar scrub. My skin felt so smooth and soft when I rinsed and toweled myself dry. I wrapped the towel around my head and proceeded to locate a pair of underwear to match my lace bra, wishing I could show Tony what he’d be missing once he left town.
I sighed and grabbed my brush. When I finished combing the snarls out, I plugged in my dryer and dried my hair. As soon as the style was to my liking, I turned it off.
My cell phone bleeped. It was that familiar, special ring I’d programmed for Tony’s calls. This time I made sure to change my ring tone for Angela so I wouldn’t get them mixed up again.
My pulse increased as I ran across the room to answer my phone. “Hello?”
“Hope? Is me, Tony. I must see you. I tell my wife I go to store for sugar so I make cookies and use rest of butter and eggs in the fridge. She smiles and tells me she think that would be very good. So I can see you for maybe ten, twenty minutes. Can you meet behind warehouse?”
I knew I shouldn’t agree, but I wanted to see him again. What could one more encounter with my lover hurt? Right? “Sure. I can do that.”
“Is great. I long to see you. When I say I want more sugar I tell the truth, yes?” He blew me a kiss and hung up before I had a chance to ask him what had happened yesterday after I left his house.
But I figured if he was worried about getting caught he wouldn’t be meeting me so soon after a close call. So I quickly applied my makeup and sped toward my SUV. Maybe if I raced over there it would give us more time together. I smiled at the thought.
My flesh tingled as I anticipated his kiss, hating myself for wanting him so much that I felt a huge hole forming in my chest. A void like a sinkhole that would only get deeper, worse, once he was gone. But it was necessary for us to part, and I had to accept that.
I arrived first and tapped my fingers on the steering wheel as I anticipated his arrival. My palms grew sweaty and I rubbed them on my jeans. The sound of crunching gravel against tires alerted me to his vehicle approaching and I hopped from my seat and waited for him to park.
His knowing grin made me smile all the wider. I could see from his expression that he would take as much pleasure in our encounter as I.
Tony got out of his truck and strolled toward me, a confident swagger in his steps. He pulled me into his arms and started kissing me before I had a chance to even say hello. As he pressed against me, I felt his throbbing excitement. I groaned at the thought of not being able to do anything to satisfy him, or myself. Ten minutes wasn’t long enough, but I decided to enjoy every minute that I had.
His fingers slid into my hair and he whispered into my ear, making me shudder. “I want you so bad, Bella Speranza. I need to be inside you one more time.”
Moaning at the prospect of getting my needs met, I nodded, my eyes wide with yearning. He kissed my lips one more time and grabbed my hand.
The sound of crunching gravel made us both pause. No one drove down this road.
Unless…
I saw his other car and knew immediately that he’d been followed.
By his wife.
I froze with terror, my mouth gaping.
Tony snapped to attention and said with urgency, “Go, drive home. Hurry!”
Squeezing his fingers one last time, I said, “I’m so sorry, Tony.”
He waved me off with his hand and walked toward his wife’s car.
I hopped in to the front seat, but my hands shook hard, so getting the keys in the ignition proved to be a real challenge. The sound of a door slamming grabbed my attention and I watched as the drama unfolded before me.
The sound of cursing made me cringe. I heard his wife say, “Here’s your sugar you son-of-a—” To my horror she nailed Tony’s face with a five pound bag of sugar. He clutched his forehead and backed away from her. They argued. I heard her scream that they’d had sugar in the cabinet and he was a liar and a cheater, followed by more cursing.
Finally the key went into the ignition and I started the engine.
That’s when she noticed me and ran toward my car. I swerved to miss her and drove around the vehicles—off into the grass—until I found the road again. Dust spewed from underneath my tires as I drove well above the speed limit. I had to put as many miles between us as I could before she decided to follow me.
If she followed me. Oh, Lord, what if she came to my house?
Minutes later my cell phone rang. Tony’s ring.
I exhaled, wondering why he called so soon. “Hello?”
“Tell me the truth. I’ll believe you, but I won’t believe a word he says. Are you sleeping with my husband?”
If my bladder had been full, it would’ve emptied right on the seat. I’d never been so terrified in my life as I pulled into my driveway and parked. I decided to play dumb. Technically I wasn’t sleeping with him anymore. “Why ar
e you calling me?”
“Just tell me the truth, or he’s never seeing his son again!” She yelled so loud I had to hold the phone away from my ear.
If I’d been in contact with God lately I might have prayed and asked for some counsel, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask for help, so I tried to decide what was best on my own, knowing that no matter what I did someone would get hurt.
“I have nothing to say to you.” I sucked in my breath and hung up.
For a minute I sat there reflecting on what had just happened. Before I had a chance to power off the phone, it rang again. Tony’s ring. How could I know if it was Tony or his wife unless I answered? So I debated as it rang two more times and decided to answer. “Hello?”
“Is me, Tony. Please listen. My wife, she throw phone at me and is driving back to house. I have no more chance to talk. Please do not tell her anything. Is very important. She not see us kiss so I tell her we are only friends. I tell her I know she would be jealous so I not tell her before. She scare and threaten, but she not do anything. I promise.”
“Okay, if you’re sure.” I closed my eyes, wanting to believe him, but doubting she would be that gullible to believe such an obvious lie. But I’d try to keep things under wraps. I had to, so Tony wouldn’t lose his son.
“Thank you. I am so sorry this happen. I miss you, but we must not talk again.” Then he hung up without waiting for my response.
I held the phone and stared at it, willing for it to ring. To have Tony call back and say it was all a misunderstanding and that he would talk to me again. But then I knew how disastrous it would be to hold on to my feelings for him.
However, getting rid of such strong emotion—to have it just fade away didn’t seem possible. My heart was breaking, and I couldn’t make the pain go away. I wanted to die, it hurt that much. I wondered if Tony felt the same way. If nothing else, then I wouldn’t be suffering alone.
Somehow I had to get back on track and live my life without him. I had a son to raise and a husband to love; but for how much longer, I didn’t know.
Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) Page 12
