He kissed the tip of my nose. “I’m laughing because I no longer envision this Hulk Hogan-type perfect man in my mind. He’s just a mousy man with an Italian accent.”
I couldn’t help smirking. Tony was far from mousy in bed, but I wasn’t going to comment on that issue. I didn’t need to defend him. Tony had a nice build and a charming personality, but since I’d seen another side of him, one so weak and pathetic, he no longer appealed to me. In fact, I no longer felt drawn to him at all.
That had to be God.
Truth was, my husband was a far greater man than Tony would ever be. Not only because James loved the Lord and was man enough to forgive me. But also because he remained committed to our marriage despite my bad choices. My heart swelled with love anew for my husband until I thought it would burst.
The moment we stepped out of the building—walking hand in hand—and found Tony and his wife standing by his truck arguing about me, my bubble of joy deflated.
His wife railed on him, swearing and cussing and telling him that he was a worthless man and a neglectful father. She even slapped him a few times saying, “how dare you try to help that bitch”, taunting him like an insane woman as she leaned into his face and cackled.
He cowered and didn’t fight back, or even look up to challenge her behavior. He must have felt really stuck to take that kind of punishment without a fight.
At least he wasn’t abusive that way. But she clearly had the upper hand and no doubt used his son as a tool to manipulate him. My pity for Tony increased as I watched the scene unfold. An urgency in my spirit to pray for him overwhelmed me.
I prayed silently for their marriage to heal unless it wasn’t God’s will for Tony. He was clearly miserable and I could see why his wife turned him off. If my husband had treated me that way, I’d have taken Jimmy to a shelter for our protection. Glancing at my husband from the corner of my eye, I noticed his pensive state and wondered what he was thinking.
Before I could mentally say “amen”, his wife turned and stomped toward us.
Terrified, the air whooshed from my lungs as I squeezed James’s hand and froze. He stepped in front of me like a momma bear protecting her cub, his brows furrowed as he postured himself in preparation to defend me. I sensed his muscles tensing and laid my hand gently on his shoulder. I hoped to reassure him that I sensed God’s protection.
It must’ve worked because his shoulders relaxed.
My gaze darted to where Tony stood, leaning against the truck, head down.
He groaned and raked his fingers through his wavy black hair, muttering something under his breath that sounded Italian.
His wife paused a mere two feet from me. “Tony said you want your book back. Well, you’re not getting it from me. I plan to hire a lawyer and sue your sorry ass.”
Sue me? Could she do that?
James responded calmly. “It’s not your property to keep. If you don’t hand it over, we’ll just take you to small claims court and sue for damages.”
Her mouth dropped open and she hesitated, like she wasn’t sure if she should believe him. “You can’t do that!”
“Oh, yes I can. And we will.”
That calm assurance my husband displayed must’ve rattled her nerves enough to make her reconsider. She opened the large bag she carried and grabbed my book. She whipped it out of her bag, then threw it at me and yelled, “Here’s your pack of lies, you loose bitch! Your career is over. If you sell that book, I’ll tell everyone who you really are under that...that fake Christian mask of yours.”
The book hit my left foot. I stepped back and winced in pain.
My husband stepped toward Tony’s wife and pointed in her face just like she’d pointed in mine, his voice calm, but firm. “You need to walk away before I do something I’ll regret. I don’t ever want to see or hear from either one of you again.”
The impact from the book had made my big toe throb. I resisted the urge to jump up and down, bending instead to retrieve my book as I admired my husband for his bravery. Through thin lips, I forced out politeness because though she had been mean about it, she had given me back my manuscript. “Thank you.”
With a derisive snort, his wife sneered at James, “You’re an idiot to believe her. She’s just going to cheat on you again with another man. Wait until you turn your back. People like her don’t change.”
“I have completely forgiven my wife, and I trust her. You, however, are chasing your own husband away by the way you’re acting. What’s wrong with you that you can’t even see it?” James never once raised his voice, increasing my respect for him even more.
He really had changed. His temper remained completely under control.
She opened her mouth as if to argue back, but suddenly turned around and pranced toward her vehicle. Though she tried to act tough, I sensed fear and uncertainty. Tony glanced up at my husband and I could swear he flashed him a smirk that suggested respect for my husband’s response. Too bad Tony didn’t have the guts to defend himself.
Then again, he loved his son and had told me before that he could not lose his son. That he stayed with his wife only because he loved his son. I sensed that she could be unreasonable and vindictive and if I were Tony I never would’ve chanced an affair in the first place. Yet I could see why he sought comfort in another woman’s arms.
His wife had no idea what she’d done to destroy their marriage. I sensed their conflict had begun long before Tony ever slept with me.
Their truck whipped out of the parking lot and peeled across the street. That woman was going to get them killed if she drove like that all the way home. Her impulsive behavior seemed to increase the angrier she got.
For a moment I feared for my own safety. She seemed like such a loose cannon that she would pull a gun on someone and threaten them. I shivered at the thought. The town we lived in wasn’t big enough for both of our families. They needed to move. And soon!
James wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “You’re gonna be okay, Babe. We’ve got the Lord on our side.”
I nodded and chewed my lip as I leaned against my husband. He guided us slowly toward the SUV and opened the door for me.
After he climbed in the driver’s side, he paused. “You feeling all right?”
My hands were clammy and sweat trickled down my forehead until it collected on my eyebrow. I wiped my brow with my hand. “I think so.”
James stared at me, silent, not moving. Maybe he waited for me to speak, or maybe he still processed what had happened and tried to make sense of it.
We gazed at each other for a long time. Speaking love with our eyes, we rededicated our hearts to each other. “I want us to get remarried, Hope.”
His statement surprised me so much I sucked in a breath. Until I thought about how much sense it made. We needed to recommit our hearts to each other and start fresh. It would be good for our son to participate as well, especially if it gave him an added measure of security.
“I think that’s a great idea.” I smiled wide and reached for his hand.
“You do?”
“Why do you look so surprised?” I chuckled at his wide-eyed expression.
Pulling me into his arms, James sighed with apparent relief. “I’m glad you agree. Let’s pick a date.”
So we sat there and planned a second wedding, a small ceremony to renew our vows among friends who had gone through the heartache with us. No sin occurs in isolation, or leaves others unaffected. I’d learned the hard way that the pain spreads beyond the sinner’s personal life and hurts others in ways I’d never considered.
*****
Two weeks later I knew James had meant what he’d said when he agreed to part with a significant amount of money to purchase a new wedding band for me. It was the most elegant, glimmering diamond I’d ever seen, and I loved the way it looked on my hand.
As we sat beside each other in the chapel on our fourteenth wedding anniversary and waited for our pastor to arrive, I remembered with fondness our Tha
nksgiving dinner last week at Angela’s house. Because so much had gone on in our home, I didn’t feel like cooking for the holiday, so when Ang invited our family, I’d quickly agreed.
Thankfully, James and Jimmy were okay with that plan. We’d never shared the holiday with friends before, but there were a lot of things that were going to have to change from now on if we were going to make it as a family.
Our first plan was to take a second honeymoon. Angela’s husband had won two tickets for a Caribbean cruise but said they had to be used before Christmas. It may have just been an excuse to give them to us, but I accepted their gift with joy. We were going to have seven solid days together. Jimmy would be at his best friend’s house and didn’t seem to mind that he wasn’t going with us. What more could a woman ask for?
Our pastor arrived, and we finally exchanged vows. When we arrived at the pledge part that referred to being faithful and forsaking all others, I sobbed through every word. James knew I meant what I said. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he loved me without question and he believed me. He trusted me to keep my vows to our marriage. This time I would be more careful and guard my heart.
Even our dear pastor got a bit choked up. He reached in his pocket for a handkerchief and dabbed at his eyes, then resumed the service. I don’t think there was a dry eye in the chapel that night.
We all went out to dinner, and the hearty congratulations resumed. Our friends concurred that we’d make it. Most couples don’t survive an affair, but they sensed that we would. And we would thrive under our renewed commitment to each other and to the Lord.
I’m not saying we never had problems after that. In fact, one night during the beginning of our cruise, James had struggled to maintain an erection. I think we both panicked a bit over that, but I tried to remain calm. This time instead of retreating within ourselves and pushing each other away, we talked about it.
He admitted that the enemy had been plaguing him with images of me in bed with Tony again. I’d cried, but this time instead of internalizing blame, I called on the Lord. James reached for my hands and prayed with me.
The next night things were back to normal. Our love making was so great after we’d made it past that rough spot that we rarely left the cabin to mingle with other couples. We were too into each other, just like we’d been on our honeymoon. And it was grand.
*****
I won’t say I didn’t think about Tony from time to time, but as the years passed, I thought of him less and less. I still wished that I could turn back time and say that I’d always been a good and faithful wife, but that could never happen now. However, the Lord had redeemed my life in spite of my sin, and like King David, He loved me and called me His child. I never forgot God’s grace and mercy toward me. I never will.
By the time I finally wrote my story down, seven years had passed. Our marriage continued to get better once we started leaning on the Lord and keeping the communication honest and open between us. We had occasional struggles over the years. But we had both grown in the midst of our pain. God had not abandoned us, and we had learned from our sin.
That’s why I’m now writing this book. Jimmy had graduated from high school three months ago and went off to college, leaving me without anything to do.
When his father, my loving James, had his second heart attack during Jimmy’s junior year in high school, it had devastated us. We were so worried we’d lose him. I’ll never forget the call I received from his boss. By the time I arrived at the hospital, he was in surgery and I was so afraid I wouldn’t get a chance to say goodbye.
It’s been almost two years since that time. The fear of him having a fatal heart attack lessens a bit more every day, but I know it’s inevitable that someday I will lose my dear husband, the man who loved me enough to stick with me even when I’d hurt him so much. But we’d be together for eternity, and that brought me great comfort.
Two years ago, the week before his near-fatal heart attack, we’d sat at the table enjoying breakfast. I’ll never forget what he said.
“I want you to start writing again, Hope. You were always so good at it.”
I'd nearly dropped my fork into my eggs. I stared at him, shocked. I’d resigned myself to never becoming a published author, thinking it was a consequence of my sin that I’d have to live with. I still spoke with my agent from time to time, but things were never the same. I had to let her go when the book deal fell through, and although disappointed, she understood my decision. But I had missed writing. It was so much a part of me.
“I want you to write the story about what happened to us. I think it will be good for you to write about the affair. Even healing. I believe God wants our story told. I can’t shake the feeling that it’s His will. I don’t want to hurt you by having you relive that time in our marriage, but when you’re ready to write that story I want you to do it. Please?”
The sincerity in his eyes convinced me that he meant it. “Okay. When I’m ready…”
James smiled and resumed eating. I watched him for several moments and felt an overwhelming urge to apologize to him. Though I knew he’d forgiven me, I needed to say it again. “Forgive me James. Forgive me for hurting you.”
He glanced up. The unconditional love in his eyes convinced me that what he said was true. “It’s been forgotten. I never think about it. I haven’t since the year after it happened.”
I wished I could say the same for me. I feared I would always have a twinge of regret. How could I not? “You’re an amazing man, James Williams.”
That was the last time we’d discussed the affair over a meal. I hadn’t thought about writing a novel about our experience since then, even though he’d said I could tell our story. Not until Jimmy went off to college.
Then it was like the story of what happened in our marriage just poured out of me. I couldn’t write fast enough. I’d relived every moment in order to write the book, but through the words the Lord had given me I saw how God had His hand on me the whole time. Even when I’d forsaken Him, He’d never forsaken me.
Sometimes I wonder if James had sensed that he might die and that’s why he gave me permission to write this book. I’m certain the fact that’d he’d started having sexual difficulties again contributed to his decision. He sensed my frustration, but this time I knew that his physical problem wasn’t about me. We kept our marriage bathed in prayer, and I made sure to flee temptation before it had a chance to take root in my heart.
I’m just glad he made it through surgery, and James is standing beside me today as I’m preparing to speak at a marriage retreat about the miracle God had worked in our lives. I never thought God could make a ministry from something so obviously wrong. But that’s just like God to use the refuse from our broken lives and turn it into good.
Copies of my book were neatly stacked on a white table by the door. Jimmy had come home for the weekend to help sell them. Our son beamed at us, like he was proud of the mother I was, and of the mother I’d become. I wish I could say I was proud of me, too, but the truth was that it was all God. He saw me through the greatest trial of my life. I just thank God James gave me permission to write this book, or I wouldn’t be sharing my story with you today.
I approached the podium, my damp hands shaking, and I clutched it to keep my body upright. So many couples waited, gazing at me with expectation, and I felt so inadequate for the task. James nodded, giving me the encouragement I needed to begin my speech. I spoke slowly and deliberately for the added effect…
“I know I’ve been forgiven. But I’ll never forget what I've done. I'm here today to tell you that if you put God first in your life, you're never without hope.”
The End
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Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) Page 27
