by Sarah Noffke
Finley was visibly shaking. It was strange for Zuma to witness this in him. Real fear in Finley. “I don’t want to work with anyone else, Zuma,” he said, his voice sounding so bizarre to her. His eyes looked earnest, marked by solid stress. “You’re my partner. I only want to work with you.”
She stepped back from him and shook her head. “You have an awful way of showing it.”
“Yeah, I know,” Finley said and took another step in her direction. She knew he would reach for her in only a couple of seconds. Sensed it in him before he telegraphed the move. She didn’t make to move away but instead allowed him to lock her wrist with his other hand, anchoring her in front of him. “I’m sorry, Zuma. I shouldn’t have dropped you.” He looked straight at her, his eyes unlike she’d ever seen them. She knew now he wore a mask and presently it was off. “I keep trying to make you hate me. I keep pretending that I don’t care about you. Since the moment we met, I’ve been trying to resist the gravitation I have toward you. And it might ruin everything but I’m tired of pushing you away from me. That’s why I dropped you. That’s why I insult you. The way I feel about you scares me.” She watched his face for the normal hint of mischief. For anything to tell her he was playing a trick. There was nothing.
“That’s why you’re mean to me?” And it made perfect sense to her. Zuma often welcomed the insults, needing reasons to not be swept away by her own desire for Finley. Too often she’d felt that his lingering gaze was ripping her resolve apart. It would take little from Finley to unravel her heart.
“Yes, that’s why I’ve been cruel to you since the beginning,” he said, pushing one hand through his wild hair. “I don’t know another way. I’m afraid of how I feel about you. It’s unlike anything and it threatens my very survival. Whatever it is about you, it owns me. And I didn’t want to be owned, Zuma, not anymore.”
And in that moment he could no longer look at her. Finley dropped her wrists and his eyes. He shouldn’t have come here, to Vagabond Circus, months ago. To Zuma’s trailer tonight. Shouldn’t have allowed this emotion, but he couldn’t fight it anymore. He was a slave to the way he felt for the girl in front of him. And it was time he stopped avoiding it. If his life was going to be a series of enslavements then he needed to give himself over to Zuma. At least with her he’d be happy and safe. He had been afraid she would distract him and she did. Everything about her distracted him, and he didn’t care anymore. He was failing at his mission and now he’d lost Zuma. Whereas before he was afraid she’d be his downfall, now he didn’t care if he was defeated, not if he lost her. Not having Zuma was his worst-case scenario. Now that he had had her attention, he couldn’t fathom another reality.
Zuma studied him, taking in the details only she could see. Finley hadn’t lied. In every word he spoke there had been more sincerity than she’d ever witnessed from him. But she didn’t have to look at him to know what he said was true. In her own heart, Zuma knew Finley was right. She’d never been drawn to anyone the way she was to him. He stole her focus. He owned her attention just by existing. He did to Zuma what she did to the world.
They were quiet for less than a minute when Zuma stepped in closer. Her slender hands found Finley’s chest and she stared up at him, begging for his eyes to look at her. She didn’t have to wait long. “Finley,” she said up close to his face. “You’re not alone in the way you feel.”
He blinked back at her in astonishment. “I’m not?” And then he brandished a pirate’s smile. “Tell me more.”
“Tell me first who you are,” she said. “I know nothing about you. Tell me something. Anything.”
He sucked in a breath and eyed her hands on his chest. To have her willingly touching him was beyond all hope. Finley brought one hand up and pushed a strand of blonde and pink hair away from her heart-shaped face. “Zuma, I’m the guy who’s incredibly in love with you. That’s all you ever need to know about me.” His hand found her chin and tilted it slightly. She stood up on her tiptoes as his other arm came around her waist and encouraged her forward. Their lips sank down on each other’s and the kiss that followed flowed like a large wave in the ocean, powerful and overwhelming.
Zuma allowed Finley to wrench her into him tighter, and still she recognized they weren’t close enough. Tying her arms around his neck she then parted her lips, allowing a deeper, more passionate kiss. She couldn’t believe she was kissing Finley and yet there had never been anything that felt so exquisitely perfect as being in this moment with him. And he seemed to feel the same way as his mouth sped up with hunger against hers. She was breathless and yet didn’t mind the lightheadedness that followed. Zuma thought that her heart would beat out, that it would lose its rhythm in her chest and fail altogether and yet, the idea didn’t pull her away from Finley. It was her logic that did. Her logical side came rushing in and she realized at once how wrong everything about this was. Dave would never approve and she couldn’t afford to lose his support. Three times she tried to break away from Finley and three times he encouraged her back. Finally she placed her hands on his chest and pushed him back as she stepped away. He stood staring at her with new eyes. An expression she’d never seen on his face.
“Finley,” she said, between breaths. “We can’t. This isn’t right.”
He nodded but there was something in his unsatisfied eyes that said he didn’t really agree.
“We have to talk about this. Figure out what to do,” Zuma said, and dared to step forward and grab his hand. She led him to the couch built into the wall. “Sit,” she said, pointing to the cushions.
He shook his head, looking at her defiantly. And he did sit but then promptly lay out, stretching his long legs across the length of the sofa. Then he waved her forward. “Lay with me. I promise to be good. We can talk.”
She looked at him lying on her couch. He was more than handsome. Finley was raw beauty. There were scars in his eyes and they were beautiful too. Now that she was allowing herself to admit it, everything about him was alluring. Zuma didn’t nod but instead crawled into his arms, laying her head on his chest. She had never lain with anyone in this way and yet it felt natural to curl herself against this guy.
Finley released a full breath when she was snuggly against him. To feel Zuma like this was more than he ever thought possible. More than dreams.
She angled her head up and looked at him, a sly smile on her face. “Seriously?” she said. “You’re being serious with all this? You promise?”
“Yes, Zuma,” he said, running his finger over the curve of her jaw. “This is who I really am.”
Her fingers slid over the fabric of his shirt. It felt real. He felt real. And yet, the moment was too surreal. How had the wall between them, built to the clouds, come crashing down so quickly? “So before…you were just acting?”
“Yes, to keep you at a distance,” he said, picking up her hand and bringing it to his lips, kissing her fingertips with a tenderness she didn’t know he possessed. “And I’m so sorry. So sorry I hurt you. You have to realize I didn’t know what I was doing. I was acting out of fear and self-preservation.”
“Then tell me why. Tell me where you came from.”
“Zuma …” he said, sounding defeated. “It’s not important.”
“It is to me.” And then seeing the look in his eyes she added, “It won’t change anything, but I want to know about you.”
“But you care about me, right? Without knowing much about me? I’m not misreading that, am I?”
“Of course,” she said, scooting up in his arms and laying three kisses, each on a different place on his cheek, until she found his lips and kissed them once tenderly. “I’ve been drawn to you since the beginning, and for different reasons than yours I’ve been afraid of how I felt. I can’t risk losing my job here, it would kill me.”
Finley nodded. “That’s why you and Jack never—”
“Stop. Jack doesn’t even compare…” Zuma trailed off, a hesitant look in her eyes. “And I don’t want to confuse the i
ssue by talking about him.”
The truth was Jack had never been as bold as Finley. Never given her that look of desperate wanting. She would have kissed Jack a hundred times, but he never pushed the boundary like Finley. And what she almost said was nothing compared to the way she felt about Finley.
“Dave isn’t stupid, Finley,” Zuma said after a long pause, her chin on his chest, her eyes always watching him.
“No, he’s the smartest man I know,” Finley admitted. “But Zuma, I love you. I want this, and we have the most incredibly poetic act in Vagabond Circus, which now that I’m speaking openly, that is no mistake. You and I are strangely connected. Dave must know that. He will understand. He will accept it.”
“Finley, you don’t understand, if he allows us to be together, then he’ll have to allow everyone and that’s something Dave can’t do.”
“Well, then we will promise secrecy,” he said, his voice full of a new hope. It tightened Zuma’s heart, made her want this more. “Our act is based on two lovers,” Finley continued. “No one will suspect anything and Dave will see that once I talk to him.”
“Finley!” Zuma said, her eyes bulging.
“Shhh,” he said gently, stroking his hand through her hair. “Zuma, I don’t think telling you everything about me is necessary. But I will tell you that I have gone without my entire life. I grew up in a bad place, and hardly ever had anything I needed. Usually I didn’t have food. I was rarely warm. And I definitely never had love. Please give this a chance.”
And she couldn’t help but stare at the guy before her with a quiet reverence. There was no one like Finley. And no one she’d risk her place in the circus for but him. And how could she not. He had made her a star in the circus and a star in his heart. She leaned down again, relishing his mouth against hers. Love. This is what love feels like, she thought as her lips pulled away from his and her head snuggled into his chest. Zuma didn’t feel happy as she rested on Finley’s chest, but she felt like she’d looked through a window and knew what happiness looked like. It was pure and unadulterated and just on the other side of a distant ridge through a murky window. And still she was closer to happiness than she’d ever been. She fell asleep listening to his breathing, which was steady and calm.
Chapter Sixty-One
For Finley, everything felt too perfect about holding Zuma. People like him didn’t get a chance at true love. His type of people worked until they exhausted themselves. Until they were demoralized. They settled for squalor and cheap thrills. They died alone or forgotten. He was one of those people, and yet, he was holding Zuma to his chest.
He awoke an hour later, feeling excited for the possibilities again. Finley knew more clearly than ever what he’d say to Dave. It was like a voice was telling him exactly what to say to get what he wanted. It felt like divine intervention. It felt like destiny.
The last thing he desired to do was to leave Zuma’s arms, which were still wrapped around him, holding him with a silent need. She wanted him. He felt that now, allowed himself to relish in the idea. Finley had felt their connection like one does a diamond and knows it’s real and unbreakable. However, he’d convinced himself again and again that she could never really want him. Not like he wanted her. Needed her.
Finley was careful to slip out from underneath Zuma without waking her. The smell of lavender in her hair caressed his nose as he gently arranged her on the sofa. He stared down at her, for the first time allowing himself to suck in her beauty with his eyes. She was enchanting when she slept and he couldn’t help but notice that for the first time she had a look of peace about her. Maybe it was because she was sleeping, but Zuma almost appeared happy. And because Finley wanted to return to her arms as soon as possible he pulled his greedy eyes away from her and headed out the trailer door.
It was still early and Finley expected that the ringmaster would just have returned from his office. Finley knew Dave’s schedule better than anyone since he had been watching him all these months. Protecting him. It had been difficult to keep up with his acts in the circus, his sessions with Fanny, and also his watching over Dave. However, his job involving Dave was his first priority. It was the reason that had brought him to the circus. Everything else was extra. But finding and falling in love with Zuma wasn’t extra. It was a rare gift and now he realized he had never breathed properly. Before being granted Zuma’s affection, he had never been whole. Not until that moment.
The moon rose out of a pillow of clouds as Finley half skipped to Dave’s trailer. The man should be settling into his recliner right about now. Then he’d pull the pills that Fanny made for him from the side drawer. Finley had watched him do it a hundred times. To say Dave Raydon was a creature of habit was a grand understatement. Three things are forever consistent: the passing of time, the rotation of the Earth, and Dr. Raydon.
Chapter Sixty-Two
Zuma awoke like someone had rattled her shoulders. She was alone. Squinting through the darkening trailer, she tried to remember what was out of place.
Finley. He was gone.
She had thought that he would stay the night. It was an unspoken agreement, she felt. But she now guessed that he had gone back to his own trailer. However, she’d felt the tingling excitement in his hands on her. That was not the type of reaction someone gives and then retreats to their own space.
Zuma stood suddenly, now completely lucid, the grogginess of sleep instantly pushed away. She knew where Finley had gone. With the certainty that she knew he was connected to her in a mysterious way, she knew where he was.
She didn’t even bother to put on her shoes, but rather bounded out the door. Zuma was both exploding with excitement and panic. This was all happening too fast. But no matter what happened she wanted to be there. The girl wanted to be by Finley’s side when he made his case. And she wanted to have a chance to convince Dave that she never meant to break his rules. She wanted to be there for both Dave and Finley. This did involve her.
Chapter Sixty-Three
Finley froze when he rounded the corner. It was ten at night and Dave’s trailer was dark. The light on the side table should be on in the ringmaster’s trailer as it was every night at this time. He scanned the area, his senses switching into hyperdrive. His greatest fear was that the person he had been protecting Dave from was somewhere close by. Finley’s eyes roamed down his bare arms and he instantly wished he’d grabbed his jacket before heading out. He should have, but he’d been too distracted by Zuma.
Behind him he heard the sound of a twig cracking into two. Finley spun around. He knew better than to race toward the sound. Away from it was the smartest option. For the last few months his presence outside of Dave’s trailer had been effective at deterring the imposter from getting close to the ringmaster and killing him. But Finley hadn’t been here tonight. He’d been with Zuma. He’d let down his guard and now what was the result? He feared the answer.
“Come out,” Finley said to the quiet night. “Come out already and face me, you coward.”
A boy’s laughter filled the air. “Cowards don’t face people,” someone said from a distant shadow. “They run and hide, which is what I’ll be doing now that my job is finally done.”
Finley whipped around and stared at the darkened trailer. “No!” he said, his voice cracking. And he could have used his speed to track down the murderer, but it wouldn’t be wise. This wasn’t a person one went after, but rather stayed away from. And he’d been effective at keeping Dave from this person until now. The sound of running footsteps told Finley that the boy was on the run. Escaping.
He turned his full attention on the trailer and now he noticed that the door was partially open. With deliberate paces Finley cleared the distance to the trailer. He found a stick along the way and used it to urge the door back the rest of the way. Dave had in fact made it home and probably at his usual time. He had not made it to the lamp to switch it on. There, lying just inside his trailer, was the ringmaster. Dead.
Chapter Sixty-Fou
r
Zuma froze at the sight in front of her. It confused the girl and she wasn’t sure why. Finley was standing just in the doorway of Dave’s trailer. Just standing. Not moving. She wanted to call out to him, but the way he stood was wrong. His shoulders were pinned up high. His back tense. Her combat sense told her one important thing. Finley was extremely stressed. He felt in danger. But why?
Chapter Sixty-Five
There was two feet of space between the threshold of the trailer and where Dave lay. Finley stood in the doorway searching, trying to figure out what had killed him. There were so many possibilities and it was almost impossible to know for certain. In the end, it would be a guess. Finley moved farther into the trailer, skirting around Dave. He wasn’t even sure what he was still doing in the trailer. There was nothing he could do. And then a grief so raw struck him in the chest and he realized that he was in shock. It was sorrow that kept him there, standing over the dead man’s body. He had failed the ringmaster and now Dave was dead.
He heard the footsteps first. As if stuck in a daze he turned too slowly. Finley moved the opposite way he normally did, like he was locked in quicksand. His eyes blinked a few times, working to bring the person outside Dave’s trailer into view. Her face took several seconds to register for him. And then Finley’s mind and eyes caught up with each other in real time and he realized how utterly doomed he was.
Chapter Sixty-Six
Zuma froze two feet from Dave’s trailer door. Her racing heart crashed like a train in a collision at the scene in front of her. She sucked in a breath and choked on it. Finley stood before her, Dave at his feet unmoving.
“What have you done?” she asked, her eyes shifting between Dave’s body and Finley, standing just as frozen.
