by M. Robinson
Watching someone I cared about suffer wasn’t just painful, it was crippling. It took everything out of me. My own body felt unfamiliar with all the sensations she was causing. I never understood the concept of someone else’s pain, the way they feel, the harbored damage of one day that could change everything for them. How life might change with a few words, a few seconds, a few moments in time that you wanted to forever change but would never be able to get back.
You would never understand, unless you saw it. It would kill you more than you would ever expect, more than you could ever prepare for.
How was it possible to feel that connected to another person? How was it possible to feel almost everything they’re going through? But not once experiencing it first hand.
You’re just hurting because they are.
I learned right then and there that the hardest part of watching someone you cared about go through turmoil was how helpless love could make you feel.
Everyone suffers. Everyone goes through shit. At times it’s worse than others. At times you feel broken beyond repair, but what I took from that day, from that second, from that moment, was that we now formed a connection and as selfish as that sounds.
I was happy.
I wanted that with her.
And I knew that at sixteen-years-old.
“Baby, shhh… look at me.” I pressed her hand firmer against my chest.
“Feel my heart. Feel all of me. Do you understand? Can you do that for me?”
She absentmindedly shrugged.
“No, darlin. Feel. Me,” I urged, placing my own hand over her heart. It was beating fast and hard with each passing second with each passing moment.
“Feel me…” I repeated, pushing both our hands into one another’s hearts.
Her eyes widened in recognition with an intensity I had never seen before. A gleam in her eyes that needed to break through all the sadness and despair, all the things that ate away at her. Everything she couldn’t change but desperately wanted to.
The memories that made her who she was.
The loneliness.
“Listen to me. I will only say this once.”
She swallowed hard, less tears falling from her eyes, her heartbeat slowed down, mirroring the rhythm of mine.
“I never understood this saying until right now. Until this very moment.”
She sucked in her lower lip and stared into the depths of my soul as I said,
“The deeper the love, the deeper the pain.”
“You ready, darlin’?” Dylan asked, lying on my bed with his arm behind his head. He was watching some fishing show that bored the absolute hell out of me.
A few months had passed since the incident from the beach. The one that I cared to forget about, and to my surprise, Dylan never brought it up again.
All our birthdays had come and gone. The boys were seventeen, Austin and I sixteen, and Half-Pint fifteen. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was part of a family again, and I loved that more than anything. Summer was in full swing and the boys surfed now more than ever, but I didn’t mind because I got to spend time with Half-Pint. She began working at her parents’ restaurant a few weeks ago. She said she wanted something to do, and that it looked good on college applications. She was starting high school with us and was already thinking about college.
It was a lie.
I knew why she really wanted to work.
“Almost,” I replied, trying to figure out what I was going to wear.
“Jesus Christ, suga’, fucking put anything on, you’ll look gorgeous regardless.”
I smiled, placing my hands on my hips. “Say that again, except this time add a please.”
“Kiss my ass.” He grinned. “Please.”
I laughed, rolling my eyes. I looked back in my closet, sliding hangers back and forth, with nothing special catching my eye.
“Is Alex working today?” I turned my head to ask him.
“Yeah.”
“Remind me to ask her if she wants to go shopping with me. I could use some new clothes.”
Dylan rolled his eyes and shook his head at my overflowing closet. “I’m not going to say one fucking word to that. The boys are meeting us there in a bit. If you would hurry your pretty little ass up, we may get there today.”
“I’m sure Lucas is already there,” I commented, ignoring his impatience.
That was just Dylan. Patience was not his middle name. I ignored most of the stuff that left his mouth. He was still an asshole. Except now, he was my asshole.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” he snapped in a tone I didn’t appreciate, which made me turn to look at him.
I cocked my head to the side and arched an eyebrow in a questioning gesture.
“I believe I asked you a question, darlin’.”
“I didn’t mean anything by it, McGraw.” I hesitated a few seconds, debating if I really wanted to go there. I did. “But what if I do?” I challenged.
“Don’t talk about things you don’t know, baby.”
“I’m not the one that doesn’t know,” I muttered under my breath, turning back to look in my closet.
“What was that?”
“Nothing.”
“Yeah… that’s what I thought.”
I took a deep breath, annoyed. “You know, sometimes things happen in life that you can’t control, Dylan. All that’s left is to accept them, whether you like them or not.”
I heard the bed dip, and I knew he was sitting up.
“Well, sweetheart, you best be puttin’ on your big girl panties if you’re going to be throwin’ out vague theories like that.”
“It’s not vague.” I shrugged. “You just want to assume it is, and you know what they say about people who assume shit, Dylan McGraw.”
“Well, fuck me runnin’. That went over about as smooth as sandpaper.”
“Now, that’s a vague assumption,” I mocked in the same condescending tone.
“Hot damn, darlin’.”
He stood, walking over to me all confident, a predatory look in his eyes like he was going in for the kill. I didn’t cower when his large, muscular frame overshadowed mine as he pressed me up against the wall, closing me in with his arms on the sides of my face. A bit of my resolve shattered when he leaned forward, kissing my cheek, slowly moving over to my ear, which sent tingles down my spine. His hot breath radiated off my skin, causing all sorts of other sensations. He had me right where he wanted me.
Vulnerable.
My heart fluttered, my stomach dropped, and my mouth parted. I hated this.
No, I didn’t.
He knew exactly what he was doing when he rasped, “If you’re looking for a fight, little girl, then I’m your man.”
He cocked his head to the side and stepped in toward me, it didn’t take much for his mouth to be close to mine. Although, he pulled me closer to him by the nook of my neck and I didn’t flinch, if anything I stood taller.
I cleared my throat, trying to steady my voice. “All I was trying to say was for someone who’s so observant, you’re ignoring what’s blatantly in front of your face.”
He looked me up and down. “You’re the only one that’s in my face,” he groaned, inches away from my lips. “What do you want to do about that, huh?” he added for good measure.
I shoved his chest as hard as I could, but he didn't move an inch. It didn't faze him one bit.
Asshole.
He suddenly grabbed my wrists and brought them above my head. Holding them in his tight grasp. I had nowhere to go now. I could barely move. I was at his mercy and as much as it pissed me off, it also turned me on in ways that I never experienced before.
What the hell?
“Because I could think of plenty of things to do with that sweet little mouth of yours that knows how to push every single one of my goddamn buttons.”
“I—”
“Did I say you could talk?”
My eyes widened and mouth dropped. “
Who the hell do you think you are? This is not how it’s going to go, McGraw.”
His eyes dilated, dark and daunting. “Or what? What are you going to do, suga’? Because I’m not the one that’s backed up into a wall, am I?”
I jerked my body around, trying to break out of his hold, but the second I felt his fingers tug on the ends of my hair I froze.
“Sweetheart, you’re not going anywhere unless I want you to.”
He softly gripped the front of my neck, his thumb and index finger clutching my pulse that only heightened with his touch. He cockily smiled when he realized how much he was affecting me. He moved his hand from my neck down to my inner thigh and slowly caressed the soft skin of my bare thighs.
Dylan had never touched me like this before. We barely made out. I didn’t recognize the guy before me, and that thrilled me more than it should. I swallowed the saliva that had pooled in my mouth. My breathing elevated, showing him just how much he was getting to me.
“Does it excite you to be at my mercy, darlin’?”
I clenched my thighs. Even the way he was talking to me was new and unfamiliar. This wasn’t my Dylan, this was the Dylan that all the girls were talking about, lusting after. He moved closer to my core, and I resisted the urge to moan.
“What’s wrong, baby girl? No witty comeback? No sexy banter? No smartass mouth? Where’s my tough girl? Huh? Not so tough when I have my hands near her pussy, is she?”
I sucked in air, startled by what he just said.
He continued his gentle torture for a few seconds, enjoying the feel of my skin against his calloused fingers. Moving closer to where I wanted him to touch me the most. The exact same place his filthy mouth just called it. I hated that word, but you wouldn’t think that by the way I desperately wanted him to say it to me again.
As if reading my mind, he tilted his head to the side, tempting me with whatever he wanted to do. I could see, feel his internal struggle. He was fighting something deeper than I could ever truly understand.
“I know where you want me to touch you, baby,” he paused to let his words sink in. “But what I’m fixin’ to do and what I want to do are two very different fucking things.”
He backed away and took his warmth with him. It was like a bucket of freezing cold water washed over me. He turned around to leave but stopped at the last second to look over his shoulder.
“But just so we’re clear… I’m not ignoring shit. Alex is too good for Lucas, she deserves better.”
I opened my mouth to say something.
“Yes, darlin’, I’m fully fucking aware that you’re too good for me and deserve better, too.”
You couldn’t fault me for who I was.
For who I am.
I wanted to touch her so fucking bad. It physically pained me to restrain myself. My cock throbbed and my balls ached to sink into her sweet pussy. I wasn’t trying to play mind games or go from hot to cold, but damn I couldn’t help myself. Her sassy mouth had been my initial draw to her in the first place. That didn’t change just because she was mine now. I hadn’t so much as touched more than a hair on her pretty blonde head.
It had been nine months since we met.
Six months since I last fucked someone.
Five months since we started dating.
Trust me… I wanted her. I wanted her so damn bad I couldn’t see straight. It took everything inside me to not claim every inch of her creamy white skin right then and there. To get lost in her body for hours at a time, until I couldn’t tell where I ended and she began.
Except, I never tempted myself.
I never gave myself the chance to get inside her panties. We barely made out. Even then, I never allowed it to get too out of hand either. I endured the worst case of blue balls every time I was with her.
That’s dedication.
And trust me, I knew about Lucas and Alex’s feelings for each other since we could all walk. Just like I knew that Aubrey was very much a virgin. She was also inexperienced with everything that happened in between, but that wasn’t the reason that I held back. If anything her inexperience was what drove me fucking mad. The mere thought of making her mine, being the first man to claim her, drove me insane to the point of no return.
Alex was right.
I respected her.
That shocked me to the core.
It wasn’t as hard as I imagined it would be to keep my dick in my pants, but when she talked back to me… fuck it did things to my cock that I couldn’t control.
I am only human.
A man used to getting what he wants and never holding back.
I had to walk out of her room and into the bathroom before I did something I knew I would regret. She wasn’t ready. That much I knew. Splashing cold water on my face, I gazed into the mirror.
“Jesus Christ, McGraw, get your shit together.”
The whole ride to the restaurant Aubrey didn’t say one word to me. When I reached for her hand, she immediately tore it away from my grasp. I swore to everything that was holy I almost pulled the goddamn Jeep over on the side of the road and had it out with her right then and there. But, I continued driving. She was out of my Jeep before I even had it in park, slamming the door behind her, and rushing into Alex’s parents’ restaurant. Not bothering to wait one damn second for me.
Half-Pint peered from Aubrey then back to me as soon as I walked in, a knowing expression written clear across her face. She stepped toward me, and I instantly shook my head no. I was going to let my anger go on the wrong fucking girl if she came near me, and Alex didn’t deserve that.
I’m not quite sure Aubrey did either.
I did the only thing I could before I flipped my shit. I grabbed my board and took out my frustration on the water.
“I. Hate. Him!”
Alex sighed, looking toward the ocean where Dylan had just disappeared to. I followed her worried gaze, except my eyes were filled with fury.
“What happened?”
“Dylan McGraw happened.”
“Aubrey…”
“No, Half-Pint, you don’t get to take his side without knowing the facts. God! He’s such a fucking asshole!”
Her eyes widened, and I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth. Lily, Lucas’ baby sister was standing right by Alex’s side. She was only ten, but she started to follow Half-Pint around everywhere.
I knew why Lily did that, too. But that was a whole other story that I didn’t feel like getting into.
“Yeah, you know he is, Alex!” I pointed to both of them. “You both do!”
“What did he do?” Lily asked with caring eyes. She was the sweetest little girl who I thought would grow up to be like Alex. Boy was I wrong.
Hell no, she didn’t.
Sometimes I thought Lily was worse than I was.
“What didn’t he do? Let’s start there!” I argued.
“Calm down,” Alex coaxed, her tone laced with nothing but concern. “Tell me what happened?”
I took a long, deep breath, blowing all the air out of my lungs before I started. “We were hanging out in my room. I was getting ready to come here and I said—” I stopped myself.
Alex never told me about her and Lucas, but she didn’t have to. It was blatantly obvious. I didn’t want to push her to tell me something she wasn’t ready for me to hear.
“That’s not important,” I sidestepped. “He just… God… he just… fuck I can’t even explain it.” I glanced at Lily. “I’m sorry, Lily baby. I shouldn’t say those kinds of words.”
“Why?” She shrugged. “The boys do all the time.”
I chuckled and Alex just shook her head.
“I don’t understand him sometimes. He gives me whiplash. Normally it’s a good thing. Today it was not.”
“There’s this boy at school named Adam,” Lily said out of nowhere, surprising both of us. “I didn’t like Adam. He was mean to me. He’d pull my hair, he’d cut in front of me at lunch, and he’d take my pink marker when
I’ve told him several times that it’s my favorite color.”
Alex and I both looked at each other confused and then back at Lily.
“I told my mom all about him. She just said that it was because Adam liked me. That boys don’t know how to express themselves, so they act out to get your attention. Dylan and Jacob came to pick me up from school the next day and told me to wait in the car. I waited for a long time. The next day at school Adam was nice to me. As a matter of fact, he hasn’t been mean to me since.”
Alex and I busted out laughing. That poor little boy probably didn’t see them coming.
“What I’m trying to say is Dylan is mean to you because he likes you, Aubrey. But only he can be mean to you because if someone else is than he’s going to kick their a-s-s. I’ll take a Dylan over an Adam any day.”
“What, Lily, how—” I muttered.
“Well… well… well… if it isn’t my so-called best friend,” I heard a voice snicker behind me. My head whipped around and came face to face with a very pissed-off Dee.
I hadn’t been hanging out with her that often since Dylan and I started dating. She always said she was busy. I saw the looks she gave Dylan and I in the hallway. Every time I tried to talk to her about us, she blew me off. There was only so much I could do. She didn’t give me a chance to explain myself. I would never want to hurt her. It’s not like Dylan and her were ever together in a relationship. I hadn’t broken some girl code. I went to bat for her and put him in his damn place.
She never even thanked me for it.
“How’s it feel to be his new whore?” she spewed without an ounce of remorse on her face.
“Excuse me?” I jerked back as if she smacked me across my face.
“Oh, come on, Aubrey, you can’t actually think he likes you. I thought you were smarter than that. Don’t you see he’s fucking using you? As soon as you give it up he’s going to dump you and move onto the next one. That’s who he is. You think you have a wonder pussy or something to change him?”
“You don’t know—”
“Oh, I know! Why do you think I can’t even talk to you anymore? Because I know! I know what he’s going to do to you, and I never thought you would be so fucking stupid to fall for it!”
