by M. Robinson
He sucked in air and roared deep within his lungs, “I’ll fucking kill him,” he breathed out with nothing but agony in his tone.
I instantly opened my eyes and the glare on his face almost brought me to my knees.
The irony was not lost on me.
“How long, Aubrey?”
“Dylan, I—”
“How fucking long, Aubrey?” he repeated with a much deeper voice.
“You don’t understand,” I pleaded with him.
“You have five seconds to make me understand or I’m going inside and laying him the fuck out for putting his hands on you,” he violently spewed.
“Stay out of it, McGraw.”
He shook his head, understanding my simple yet pungent statement. “Jesus Christ, Bree, you’re ok with this? You want this?”
I bowed my head in shame. “You have no idea.”
He stepped away from me, moving my hand off his heart. It took everything inside me to not grab his hand and place it over my heart so he could see what it was doing to me.
I didn’t want to lose his love, his warmth, his comfort.
“Why? Why are you doing this after everything? You know, I’m still fucking here. Right here, I’m not the one who left. I’m not the one who walked away from our love. I still fucking love you! I love you so damn much. I can’t even breathe when I think about all the years we’ve spent apart, Aubrey.”
“Please, don’t—”
“WHY?” he yelled, making me jolt.
“You know why,” I replied even though I didn’t mean it. I couldn’t tell him the truth.
“Un-fucking-believable. You blame me for that day, and yet here you are with a man that fucking hurts you. You gotta be fucking shittin’ me, Bree.” He paced back and forth, making me even more anxious.
I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything.
“I can’t even look at you right now. Do you have any idea how much that kills me? I haven’t seen you in four years, four goddamn years and yet you’re still the first and last thing I think about every single day. I’m reminded daily of what I lost.”
Tears slid down my face. His words were like a double-edged sword, causing me pain and euphoria simultaneously.
“I can’t tell you how profusely fucking sorry I am, Bree. How I have to live with the fact that I urged you to go by yourself. That I let that son of a bitch take away what was mine. What fucking belonged to me. I was the one who allowed him to do all that, Bree, I failed to protect you!” He slapped his chest. “I hate myself for what I let happen to you. I have to live with that guilt and without you for the rest of my life,” he hesitated, letting his words linger.
“Are you punishing me, Bree? Is that what you’re doing? Trying to rip my fucking heart out… again? Cause if you are, it’s workin’.”
“No,” I whispered loud enough for him to hear.
He got close to my ear and murmured, “Then why does it fucking feel that way?” he gritted out through clenched teeth.
His warm breath lingered there for a second, sending shivers straight to my core. I loved and hated the effect he still had on me. Then he turned and walked away from me, slamming the door behind him. The entire garage rumbled, making me jump.
I stood there, waiting.
It didn’t take long for my punishment to come.
I went to the bathroom, sick to my fucking stomach.
Alex told me time and time again that Aubrey had changed since she got with Jeremy. I assumed the real reason was the rape, that it finally took its toll. I couldn’t have been more wrong. When I saw her that night she was still so breathtakingly beautiful, but it wasn’t her.
It didn’t matter how many times Jeremy held her, whispered in her ear, showed her any kind of affection or love. She would press her nails into the palm of her hand and her eyes would lower to the ground. At first I thought I imagined it, but when he casually gripped her arm and she winced in pain I had to leave the room. The confirmation of my suspicions was too much to bear. I was going to fucking kill him if I didn’t walk away.
I never expected her to follow me out to the garage.
I never thought she would blatantly admit it.
I never imagined that my nightmare would play out in front of my very own eyes and I couldn’t do one thing about it.
I left her there before I lost my temper and took it out on the wrong person.
I stayed in the bathroom for how ever long it took to calm the fuck down, ready to walk back into the garage and have it out with her. Even if it meant I had to throw her over my goddamn shoulder to get her the hell out of there and away from that asshole of a boyfriend and sorry fucking excuse for a man.
As soon as I walked out, I heard what sounded like yelling, but I couldn’t make out what was being said due to the loud music that was playing in the house. Adrenaline coursed through my entire body as I ran as fast as I could back into the garage.
“Shut your goddamn mouth, little girl,” Jeremy snarled.
“Fuck you!” Lily shouted and my heart dropped.
I opened the door, stopping Jeremy mid-action. He was about to go towards Lily. She was on the ground with Aubrey lying in her arms, that was hunched over and reeling in pain. It reminded me of when I saw her on the trail. Memories of that day came flooding back, only infuriating and consuming me further. I shut the door behind me. No one was going to take away my chance to fuck this motherfucker up before I brought him in and locked him the hell up.
The rage took over and I charged him, knocking him over with my entire body, both of us falling to the ground. We wrestled around for a few seconds, but he wasn’t strong enough for me.
“Please… please… stop,” Aubrey pleaded for I don’t know who.
I straddled his chest and the pussy immediately blocked his face. I hit him anyways, gripping a chunk of his hair and slamming his head as hard as I fucking could into the concrete.
“You piece of fucking shit!” I yelled out, hitting him anywhere I could, over and over again. “You like to beat women, motherfucker!” I punched him repeatedly, slamming his head once again onto the concrete.
“Lily, he’s going to kill him,” Aubrey spoke.
“Who cares, he was hurting you,” Lily argued, only pissing me off further because she had to defend me from the son of a bitch lying in front of me.
“I’m fine. Please, Dylan, please stop!” Aubrey begged.
“You sack of fucking shit,” I ignored her, my fists beating all over his face.
“Please, Dylan, if you ever loved me… please stop!” she screamed out with pure desperation in her tone.
I instantly stopped, standing up to spit on his face. What happened next shocked the shit out of both Lily and I.
Aubrey went to him.
She went to Jeremy.
Choosing him over me.
For the third time in my short life I felt like I took a bullet to my goddamn heart.
“What are you doing?” I seethed, gripping her arm.
She roughly snatched it out of my grasp. “Mind your own goddamn business. Leave!” she ordered, her demeanor quickly turning callous. Nothing like the woman I was just in here with.
“Have you lost your fucking mind? Get the fuck up, Aubrey! I’m taking this piece of shit in.” I grabbed my phone from my back pocket, but she knocked it out of my hand, causing the screen to shatter on the floor.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you defending him?” I argued.
“You know why. Leave. Leave now.”
“You can’t be serious?” I shook my head. “You think I’m really going to leave you with him? Give me some goddamn credit, Aubrey.”
She’s lost her goddamn mind.
“If you don’t leave, Dylan, I swear I’ll never let you…” she hesitated, but I understood her subtle warning.
She was going to throw that in my face, now?
She blamed me for what happened and there was no taking that back. As much as I
wanted to, as much as I prayed I could.
“Un-fucking-believable. I loved you. I still fucking love you and you stand there and defend this piece of shit?”
She swallowed hard her resolve breaking.
“I guess I really never knew you at all,” I bit.
She shut her eyes. I could physically feel her pain in the distance between us. I took one last look at her before kicking Jeremy in the stomach, peering down at him with disgust.
“Mark my words, motherfucker, one day I’m going to fucking kill you,” I snapped, barely being able to hold back the desire to do it right then and there.
I grabbed Lily’s hand and led her out through the side door. She halted as soon as we were a few feet away.
“What are you doing? We can’t leave her in there. We have to tell someone. You have to arrest him. Go back in there, Dylan!” She was hysterical.
I clenched my teeth. “I don’t have a choice.”
“Why?”
“Lily, just pretend you didn’t see that tonight. Do you understand? For me. Do it for me,” I pleaded, looking in her eyes.
“You can’t ask me to do that.”
“I’m not asking,” I lightly warned.
“Dylan, I—”
“Lily, you know I love you. Don’t make me say it. We both know what I’m talking about. I’ve kept my mouth quiet, now it’s time for you to return the favor.”
She was taken back by what she knew I implied, Jacob and their secret of whatever the fuck they were doing behind everyone’s backs for the last few years. The last thing she wanted was for Lucas to find out or anyone else for that matter.
I nodded, feeling bad, and kissed her forehead. I didn’t stay around to see the confused and hurt look on her face. I had too much plaguing my own thoughts and emotions that I could barely fucking see two feet in front of me. I went straight to the bar and took four shots of bourbon, one right after the other. Welcoming the warm burn it left in its wake. I poured a drink and walked into the backyard. I needed to get myself together before I went around anyone. By the time I made it back inside, Aubrey and Jeremy were just leaving. They said their goodbyes and I watched every single step Aubrey took, praying that she would turn back and run into my arms. Hoping that I would see some recognition of the woman she used to be.
Nothing.
It didn’t take long for the inevitable to happen.
Almost a year later Lucas’ mom lay on her deathbed, surrounded by her loved ones. Family and friends flew in to say their last goodbyes. I tried to be there for Lucas and Lily. I could tell he was barely hanging on by a thread, and she rarely left her mom’s side. Not that I could blame either one of them. I dealt with things differently, I always had. I still dreaded the afternoon when it was my turn to have my time with her.
To say goodbye to a woman who had been like a mom to me.
I was always the strongest among us boys. It was the role I took on as a child, but I felt anything but that when I walked into her room to say my last goodbye. Nothing could have prepared me for the emotions that surged through my body, heart, and mind.
“Dylan-fuckin’-McGraw,” she rasped, making me laugh.
Bringing me back to the day she washed my mouth with soap when I was eight after she heard me say fuck to the boys.
She lovingly smiled, patting the side of the bed for me to sit. I took a deep breath, taking in her frail body where she lay about to say her last words to me.
“You have always been such a good boy and now you’re an even better man.”
“Yeah…”
“You know, Dylan, sometimes in life things happen that we can’t control. That we don’t understand. But it doesn’t matter because it still fucking sucks,” she drawled, trying to talk like me.
I chuckled.
She never spoke to me like that before, but I knew she was just trying to make me comfortable and make light of our goodbye.
“You were the first boy to start trouble, start cussing, picking up girls, the first at everything. You were also the first to take the blame when it wasn’t yours to take, defending the boys when they needed defending, protecting Alex the most when she never asked for it to begin with. And look at you now, baby, you’re a narcotics Detective. Do you have any idea how proud I am of you? I never worried about you, Dylan. Out of all you boys, you were the least of my concerns. I knew you would always lead with your heart, as much as you try to mask it with women.” She shook her head, frowning.
“It’s not who you are. It’s who you think you’re supposed to be. Like right now, you want to cry. You want to break down so badly, but you won’t because you’re strong. You’ve always been so damn strong for everyone else, even when you’re hurting inside.”
I swallowed hard.
“There’s a time and place for everything. Sometimes it takes us longer than we hoped, but that doesn’t mean that it will never come. It’ll just mean that much more when it finally does.”
I nodded, taking in her words.
“I’m going to be watching from Heaven, smiling and cheering you on, because no one deserves it more than you do.”
I bit my lip, my eyes watering.
“I prayed last night. I prayed for the first time in a long time, Dylan. For patience, strength, and courage. For love. Not for me… I’m not scared of dying. I’m terrified of what I’m leaving behind. My kids, you boys, my friends, and the love of my life. It’s you guys that will suffer. I’m going to a better place because it’s my time to go, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t feel me.” She placed her hand on my heart. “Here.”
I peered down at her hand, lost in what she was saying.
“I don’t have to tell you to watch over my kids. I know you will. You’ve been doing it your entire life.”
I blinked away the tears, not unable to hold them back any longer.
“Dylan-fuckin’-McGraw, I love you and one day you’re going to love yourself again too.”
I leaned in and hugged her unable to form words.
The next few days felt like they were zooming by, yet at the same time, standing still. All of us waited for the expected. Her heart started to give out one evening, and it was time for their dad to make the decision to take her off the machines that were keeping her alive. The pain she was feeling was noticeably unbearable. We could all see it in her eyes, she wanted to go, but was holding on for us.
After he made the decision that it was time to leave her in God’s hands, he came into the room. I stood with Lily in my arms and Lucas sitting next to me. Their dad bent down by her, holding her hand in his. She had maybe spoken five words all day. He looked down at her with tears filling his eyes and remorse for what he just decided.
He begged, “Please, tell me you love me, please, baby, tell me you love me.”
She pried open her heavy lids and whispered, “I love you."
He then kissed her forehead and cried, "Good, because I love you, too."
I had just witnessed one of the most beautiful, but painful moments of my life.
It was then that I bawled.
For a love that I yearned for, a love exactly like that, and finally realized that I might never get to have.
“You, stupid fucking bitch.” He backhanded me across the face so hard that I saw stars. “Fuck! I hate this goddamn town. Why? Why did I listen to you and move here? To fucking Oak Island?”
We relocated back to Oak Island four years ago when Lucas and Alex got married. Jeremy hadn’t let me live it down since. The only reason he agreed to move with me was he thought he wouldn’t have to deal with his father as often. Unfortunately, it backfired on him, and consequently, on me. He traveled all the time back to California and who knows where the hell else.
We had a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Except when it came to me. That was a whole different story. I had to ask and tell him everything, or I’d pay for it.
Lucas and Alex got married almost a year after Lucas’ mom lost her battle to cancer
. After everything they had been through they still found their way back to each other, and I was thrilled for them.
They were meant to be together.
I went to the wake and the funeral, but Dylan and I didn’t say one word to each other. He was in so much pain and there wasn’t anything I could do for him.
Not anymore.
The last time I saw him was a year ago for Lily’s twenty-third birthday in Nashville, but the truth was that Dylan had been trying for years to talk to me and help me. Always sending emails that I had to keep deleting out of fear that Jeremy would find them, always trying to call even though I never picked up, always offering help, lists of shelters and ways to help myself.
I always ignored him.
Lily just took off one day and moved to the Music City in Nashville. She had been living there since her mom died. She worked at a bar as their entertainment. Which didn’t surprise me, Lily was always singing, a talent way beyond her years. To my surprise Jeremy said we could go, but I should have known better. He never did anything for me, even though he claimed everything he did was for me.
We were late for our flight since he was hungover from the night before. He proceeded to blame me for it. Screaming at me like a damn kid that I didn’t wake him up early enough, that I didn’t give him an ibuprofen the night before. Hell, he blamed me for the heavy traffic. Alex and Lucas were getting suspicious. I lived ten minutes down the road from their house and hardly ever saw them. That’s one of the reasons why Jeremy agreed to go in the first place. Like the stupid woman I was, I jumped at the chance to see him.
Dylan.
Which was a waste since we didn’t talk at all. Jeremy wouldn’t let me out of his sight for more than a few seconds, making it nearly impossible to talk to anyone that much. Lily followed me into the bathroom at her bar to have a word. What she said would forever haunt me.
“Not everyone gets their happily ever after, Lily.” I tore the paper towel from her hand and looked back at the mirror, wiping the blood from my lip. Another wound from Jeremy’s handiwork for not paying enough attention to him.
“You’re wrong, Aubrey,” she stated, washing her hands in the sink next to me.
