by TM Frazier
“Really?” I asked. It sounded pretty unbelievable. There wasn’t anything my dad couldn’t fix.
“Yep, your Grandpa Rick wanted to make sure your dad could take care of your mom, so he taught him everything he knew.” She smiled as she recalled the memory which was obviously a happy one. “When Becky first brought him home, your poor dad couldn’t so much hang a picture on the wall.”
Of course I believed her, but the entire scenario was pretty hard to imagine when my dad’s workshop at home looked like something out of a handyman’s dream. My heart fell when the memory of my dad fixing the roof of my dollhouse came to mind. It was then he taught me how to use an electric drill. He’d always been my hero. There was nothing he couldn’t fix.
Until me.
“I wrote him a letter you know,” Mirna said, breaking the spell.
“I appreciate that Mirna, I do. But you know Dad, once he decides something, he doesn’t change his mind. Maybe someday I’ll reach out and try again, but it’s probably for the best that I leave him be for a while. I’ll try to fix things when I can back up my promises with some good old fashioned proof.”
I wondered what my father would think when he read her letter, or if he’d even read it. My money was in the middle, him reading a few sentences, realizing what the letter was about, and tearing it into a million pieces. I’m sure he wouldn’t be putting that one in my old blue shoe box, where I’d kept all Mirna’s letters in my room back home.
But you don’t have a room back home anymore.
One step at a time, I reminded myself.
“If nothing else, at least my letter will let him know that you’re safe.”
If you’re not on that bus, then we’re not family anymore… My fathers voice rang in my ears.
“Now, come, come!” Mirna said, the excitement back in her voice and the spring back in her step. She grabbed my hand. “I want to show you something.” She was practically bouncing as she dragged me back up the newly fixed porch steps.
Mirna didn’t do casual. Her mental state might have been slipping, but her style was as strong and bold as ever. Looking very much like an older pinup, her white hair fell right above her shoulders in large barrel curls. Heavy bangs with a slight bend on the ends stopped right above her perfectly symmetrical eyebrows. Her eyes were always lined, but just on the top with a dramatic cat-flare on the ends, making her already large gray eyes appear doll-like. Dramatic Red was the color of lipstick she wore daily, regardless if that day only consisted of gardening at home.
Many times in my early teens I tried to copy Mirna’s style. Many times I ended up looking like a child who colored outside the lines, where as Mirna was a walking piece of fine art.
Mirna yanked me down the hallway to her bedroom. Much to my surprise, she led me to her closet and opened the double bi-fold doors in dramatic fashion. “Ta da!” she exclaimed, taking a step back and waving me forward.
Mirna’s closet itself wasn’t anything special. A small walk-in with a few rows of shelving. It was what was IN IT that had me gasping and holding my hand over my rapidly beating heart. Dresses. Not just ANY dresses, but dresses from an era long forgotten. Halter necks with flared skirts. Floppy hats. Platform heels that had me falling to my knees in the center of the room.
“Where did you get all this?” I asked, clutching the most perfect high-heeled, black, platform pump to my chest. It was complete with a large white bow across the rounded toe and the heel. Holy hell, the HEEL was incredible. Laced up from the bottom like a corset. “I don’t remember you ever wearing any of this.”
“Some things I’ve worn only once. Some I’ve never worn at all.”
“Why?” If I had a closet with these dresses in it I’d make every occasion a special occasion. Laundry. Getting gas. Watering the marijuana.
“Your grandfather loved it when I dressed up, so I wore something nice for him every single day. When he was overseas he sent back some of the european styles that were trendy at the time. Sometimes as many as a dress a week. When he came home I was pregnant almost immediately.” When I gave her a knowing smile, she simply stated, “There was no television in the bedrooms back then, dear,” before continuing on. “I still planned to wear them, even three babies later, even after you were born, but when Rick died I couldn’t bare the thought of putting them on ever again. However, I also couldn’t bring myself to throw them away.” Mirna laughed. “Of course, there is no way on God’s green earth that these would ever fit me now.” She sighed and plucked a hanger from the rack, shoving it into my hands over the perfect shoe I was still cradling.
“I’m sure you could get them tailored. Or better yet, I’ve always wanted to learn to sew, maybe I could do it for you,” I suggested.
Mirna shook her head. “No, my sweet girl.”
“No? Why not?”
“Your grandfather risked his life to buy me dresses and ship them back to me. Feels wrong to change them now. Besides, I think they’ll fit YOU just fine.”
I pointed at my chest. “Me? Mirna, I can’t.” I held out the beautiful shoe, and the hanger, for her to take them back. “No. I don’t deserve this. Any of it.”
She ducked around my outstretched arms. “Andrea, I don’t know how much time I’ve got left, or how long the lights are going to stay on upstairs before they burn out for good, so I’m going to tell you this now while I still have a chance.” She placed a loving hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “You are a good soul. A good person. We all make mistakes. Lord knows I’ve made my fair share of them in my day. You have to forgive yourself. LOVE yourself. And for Christ’s sake girl, you have to grow some balls. Men want a strong woman who can give it as good as they get it.” She winked.
I groaned. “We’re not talking about clothes anymore are we?”
“Nope. Just remember. Lady in the street and a wild cat between the sheets.”
“Mirna, seriously. I think my ears are bleeding,” I said with a laugh. “Besides, men are the last thing on my mind.”
“What about Samuel?”
“Mirna!” I said, “You want to hook me up with the guy who grows pot in your guest bedroom?”
Mirna shook her head. “No, my dear. But I wouldn’t mind if you considered the man who’s a lot more than he seems on the outside.”
“What exactly is your arrangement with him anyway?” I asked.
“That’s not my place to say, dear. That’s part of our arrangement. But I will say that you shouldn’t be so quick to judge. You only really know someone’s true heart when they really want to show it to you.” She squeezed my arm. “He reminds me a lot of your grandfather, you know. I just hope one day you find someone who takes as good care of you as he did of me.” She plucked another dress from the rack and held it up to me. I hooked my fingers into the top of the hanger so she could take a step back to appraise her selection.
“I’m sorry,” I said, Mirna waved off my apology. “I just want to make sure that you know what you’re getting into with him and that…”
“That’s not something you need to worry about. Samuel is a good man.”
Who killed Eric. “Are you sure about that?”
“Because he’s shown me his heart.” Mirna sighed. “Good people can do bad things, Andrea. You’ve told me yourself that you’ve done some bad things. That doesn’t make you a bad person, right?”
“I’m not entirely sure it doesn’t,” I admitted.
“Oh phooey, you’re not at all a bad person. You’ve got a big heart, and your grandmother’s eyes.” She opened her arms wide. “And with that you can conquer the world.” She added the dress, plus some high waisted shorts and some crop tops to the pile in my arms.
My hands started to shake, aftershocks is what Mirna had called them. I dropped the clothes, and when I bent over to pick them up, she shot me a concerned glance. “It’s getting better,” I reassured her. “I swear.”
“You need to go to a proper rehab facility so you can make sure this sticks. Profe
ssionals can get you through this better than I can. I’m a nurse, not a counselor. I know there’s more to this addiction thing than the physical part.”
“Proper rehabs cost a lot of money, and the government funded ones are more like jails or mental institutions,” I said, trying to gather the clothes back up. “And besides, I can’t go because you wouldn’t be there.”
“Then here is what we are going to do,” Mirna said, again clapping her hands together. She took the clothes from my hands and walked out of the closet, setting them gently on her bed. “We are going to get you all fixed up proper, and then we are going to go outside and meditate in the fresh air.”
“We’re gonna what?”
She put her hands on her hips. “Don’t tell me you’ve never meditated.”
“Not…recently?” I squeaked. “Meditation wasn’t really something I’d manage to squeeze in with all the shooting up and letting people down I had going on.”
She rolled her eyes and returned her attention to sorting the clothes. “Your sense of humor can be as off-colored as Samuel’s. I have a book you can read, and I will teach you. The world is a tricky place. Meditation is a vehicle that will help you navigate through it better, you know, avoid the potholes.”
“In my case that vehicle better be a tank,” I said, bumping her with my hip and dropping a precious shoe in the process.
“Don’t you sass me young lady. I may be losing my marbles, but I’m still your grandmother.”
“Yes, Ma’am,” I said, with a shoe salute.
“Meditation is like…stretching after a run, but instead of your muscles, you’re stretching your soul,” she said, pinching my cheek like I was a child, making me yelp. “Now, you’re going to take these clothes as my gift to you and you’re going wear them. For ME. For as long as you love them. And right now, we are going to play a little dress up,” she ordered. “Is that clear?”
“Yes, if that’s what you want. But…why?”
“Because, dear, I’ve been waiting what seems like a hundred years to see these dresses on a real person again, and what seems like even longer to see what they’d look like on you. These belong to you now.”
My heart squeezed in my chest. There was no arguing after she said that, even if I’d wanted to argue. Which I didn’t. Not even a little.
An hour later Mirna spun me around to look in the mirror, and I gasped at the reflection before me.
The green and white sundress Mirna had picked out for me had thick halter straps that snapped around my neck, and a squared neckline that pushed up my breasts and gave them a fuller, more rounded, look. The middle was corset-tight and accentuated my waist, while the bottom flared out slightly in an a-line, ending right above my knees.
And, of course, I was wearing THE platform, black pumps with bows. “Who says love at first sight doesn’t exist?” I whispered as I turned my foot from side to side, to better admire my new lovers.
Mirna set my long hair in a style I wasn’t sure I could ever duplicate myself. One side was tucked behind my ear, and the other side fell in cascading waves over my shoulder. Decadent Red was now on my lips as well, while black liner on my eyelids topped off the look. For an every day look, I’d prefer a more muted version of the pinup in the mirror. But, right then, I couldn’t even believe that girl was me.
For the exception of the scars on my arms, the junkie was nowhere to be seen.
“I look… I look like…” I stammered. A human being.
Mirna stood behind me. Her eyes glazed over. Pride filled her expression as she joined me at appraising my reflection. She rested her chin on my shoulder and smiled. “A woman,” she said. “You look like a beautiful young woman. Which is exactly what you are.”
I angled my head so I was resting against my grandmother. “I was going to say that I looked like you.” I turned around and held up my arms. But it had only been two weeks since Preppy brought me to Mirna’s, so even though most of the scabs were gone, the scars, both new and old remained. “Except for these.”
She cupped my cheek. “We all have scars, my dear.” She grabbed my wrists and lifted them to her lips, pressing a kiss to each of my forearms, patting them when she was done, as if the matter was now settled and Grandma’s kisses solved all. And in a way it did. “Some of us on our arms.” She pressed her palm over my chest. “Some of us in our hearts.”
Some of us on our face. I absently ran my hand down the jagged raised scar on the side of my face.
Mirna walked over to her dresser and grabbed a silver frame from one of the many crowding the surface. She looked from the picture to me. “Well, what do you know about that.” She handed me the frame.
The picture was of Mirna wearing a very similar style dress, except she topped hers off with gloves and a white floppy hat. She was arm and arm with my grandfather as they smiled for the camera. My mother was young, standing at her feet holding a lunch box. Her blond hair and light features favoring my grandpa, while I was a spitting image of Mirna. I held up the picture frame and looked again at the similarity between a younger version of my grandmother and myself. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before. “You do look like me.”
“It’s like we were twins separated by…decades,” I said as Mirna nodded and chuckled, taking the frame back from my hands and setting it back, exactly in the position it was before on the dresser, tweaking it left, then back right a few times before she was satisfied. “Mirna, exactly how old are you?” I asked, trying to do the math in my head.
Mirna sighed. “Four hundred and seventy seven,” she deadpanned. We both broke out into a fit of laughter so hard I thought I’d rip the seam of my dress. When we reined it in she looked me over again, a look of satisfaction on her face, her lips twisted up into a beautiful smile. “You look breathtaking, my dear. Your grandfather would have loved to see you in that dress. You know, it was the very first one he sent me,” she said, waving off the emotion that had her temporarily at a loss for words. Her eyes watered and reddened, but she stood strong. Sniffling and straightening her back like she was daring the tears to come back.
“Mirna…” I started, reaching out to comfort her, but she stepped back and waved me off.
“Oh, don’t be silly. I’m just an old woman, which makes me just about as emotional as a pregnant woman,” she said with a sniffle, lightening the mood. “Samuel is going to love the way you look,” Mirna lamented.
“What does he have to do with anything?”
Mirna quirked up a white eyebrow. “Didn’t I tell you, dear? He’s the reason I remembered to give you the clothes I’d kept for you. They’re for your new job.”
“My new job?”
“Yes, your new job working for Samuel.” Mirna took one last look at my reflection and sighed with satisfaction. “It will be good for you. Give you a chance to clean your soul, start fresh.”
“Is that even possible?” I asked, but I wasn’t sure if I was directing the question at her or me. “What if the stains are too great?”
“No, you’ll see. It’s the stains that make us human,” she said, and with that I fell a little more in love with my grandmother. “I tell you what, you go water the plants while I go and find that meditation book for you. When you’re done, you can meet me in the backyard. We are going to have our first meditation session, and you are going to focus on the future and what you want out of life. We’re gonna clean that soul you think is so dirty.”
Mirna could try her damnedest, but I was pretty sure that a soul as dirty as mine would need a lot more than some new clothes and meditation to be cleaned. I pointed to the stranger in the mirror, a girl who looked like she ALMOST had it together, I muttered, “At this point, bleach might be a lot more useful than a book on meditation.”
Maybe I’d ask Preppy about how to clean a dirty soul, because although Mirna had enlightened me as to what he’d done for her, she hadn’t seen his eyes up on the tower.
None of it made sense. A guy who helps old ladies in their time
of need couldn’t possibly be the monster I thought he was. Maybe he didn’t have a dirty soul, after all.
Maybe it was just me.
* * *
Later that day, Mirna gave me my first lesson in meditation. I was sans shoes in the grass, but every so often I’d open one eye and check to make sure they were still on the deck where I’d placed them, lovingly, in the shade.
We sat Indian style across from one another in front of her flower box, our hands on our knees, palms up. Oscar grunted around the backyard. Both Mirna and even Preppy seemed to care for the animal, so much that I’d yet to ask why the heck my grandma had an enormous pig as a pet, but when he nudged my shoulder with his dirty wet nose I shooed him away, pretending to be annoyed at his interruption. I placed my index finger across my lips and Oscar got the message, trotting back up to the fence and sniffing under the gate, like a dog smelling for other animals. Were all pigs that smart?
I took a deep breath and attempted to rein in my thoughts and concentrate on the meditation. Mirna’s chin was tipped up toward the warm sun, her famous cat eyes were simple perfection in the bright light that made her wrinkled, yet flawless skin, look as if it were glowing.
Unable to help myself, I snuck another peek toward the back deck to check on my new shoes for the hundredth time, and for a second my heart stopped beating. One was missing. I was about to bolt to the neighbors house to call 911, or the fire department, or poison control, or the president himself, when a shadow fell over me. I shrieked and tried to jump away, but he grabbed me by the arm and held me down. I fell sideways across the intruders lap, all the while Mirna remained in her meditative pose.
The intruder laughed. And I glanced up to find Preppy holding the missing heel over my head.
“Nice shoes, wanna fuck?”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
PREPPY
What in the fuck was she wearing? Her dress was hugging her tiny waist and pushing out her tits, and suddenly it was as if I’d gone deaf because all I could hear was the blood rushing to my cock. Everything in me was shouting at me to bend this girl over and fuck her until we both fucking DIED.
