by Mima
Rylan bowed his head. “KarRa—I could not bear it. To think I asked acceptance of that from you—I don't know how—I will not have children with any other but you.”
KarRa blinked. She dropped her hand and stepped back without thinking. Her heart seized as soon as she realized the entire room had recognized her physical rejection of that statement. I'm just surprised, she wanted to say but her throat was too tight and Dom was speaking.
“I place the vote before the Council. Will we give KarRa to Rylan based on their soulmatch or will we give KarRa a choice of mates due to their extraordinary history?”
He sat and waited. After what seemed an eternity, where KarRa had to drop her gaze from the agony on Rylan's face, a man behind and to her right spoke. “I’ll call for the vote.”
There was an expectant pause and Dom asked, “No one calls for time or further questions?” The silence seemed to skin down KarRa's neck like a razor wire. “Place your vote, hands raised for allowing KarRa a choice.”
Her eyes flew up from the star to scatter around the room. She saw that only a few hands were up.
Dom looked soberly at Merk. “This Council denies your request for mate choice. I for one cannot imagine the sanity of either one should they fail to close their bond. Do you recognize and heed this Council's decision?”
Merk nodded calmly. Rylan threw his head back, jaw and eyes clenched as tight as his fists. He did not look triumphant.
“Lady KarRa, I agree with this Council’s majority that a souldance cannot be denied. But I hear the wisdom of Merk’s argument, and I offer you another choice. If you stay in Vladaya, you will bond with Rylan in six nights. However, I offer you back your vow of adoption. If you find that bonding with Rylan would be too painful, we will give you a new start in a City.”
Dom stood, “KarRa, I suggest you meditate, and listen to your heart. Tomorrow evening you will acknowledge your soulmate before Merk, beginning the wait for the matebond ceremony. I sincerely hope that Merk will be able to guide your forgiveness of Rylan in that time.”
Rylan growled, but Dom merely nodded at Merk. Merk turned, his hand gently touching her arm to guide her out. Rylan stalked ahead, a menacing roll of power pushing the air.
The white Wolf turned as the door opened and closed behind them.
“Is there an unused room nearby?” Merk asked.
“Second door on the left,” he gestured. Eyeing Rylan’s visible loss of control, he asked, “Shall I summon the Owl?”
Merk nodded stiffly. “Thank you.”
He again touched KarRa gently to urge her on, and Rylan snarled viciously. KarRa was wound so tight she actually jumped.
“You’ve won, owlet. Control yourself.” Merk’s voice was bitter, vicious. “Let’s take this into a private room.”
The room was a smaller domed circle. It was empty.
Rylan had frozen just inside the door. His eyes were pinned to Merk and a low rumbling snarl was steadily seeping from his throat. KarRa touched his arm and he jumped half her body height in the air and came down in a crouch facing her.
“Rylan, calm down.”
Ignoring her, his eyes cut to Merk standing just slightly in front and to the side of KarRa, protectively.
“What are you still doing here? Leave.”
Merk shook his head. “I belong here more than you know. She should have been able to consider me.”
KarRa knew before he leapt that Rylan was going to attack Merk. She met him in midair, Merk wrestling with them both to put himself between them. Rylan wanted to get to Merk, not KarRa, and he eagerly turned to grapple with him, despite KarRa grimly beating him back.
Then Grif was there, his hand gripping the back of Rylan's neck with a hard shake as his voice boomed out “ENOUGH!” with a force that echoed in the bare room.
KarRa was spun out of the pile and stumbled to the floor. When the tangle failed to completely stop, Rylan snapping at Grif's arm, KarRa was shocked to see the man pick him up and throw him to the ground one handed, stepping on his throat before he could twist away.
She froze, as did everyone else. Grif's voice was a steady low growl. “I am your Alpha. Submit.”
Rylan stayed rigid, quivering, and Grif ground his leather booted foot down. KarRa cried out and scrambled to get her legs under her, prepared to spring on Grif. Grif bent at the waist to stare directly into Rylan's eyes, invading his space until they were nose to nose.
And just like that Rylan went limp, turning his gaze to the side.
“Do you challenge me?”
Rylan lifted one of his hands from where it had reflexively grabbed at Grif's ankle, and motioned {No}, letting both hands fall to his side.
Grif lifted his ankle and reared up, hands on hips, feet spread in a position of utter confidence.
“Throat.” It was a demand. Rylan immediately rolled to his knees and bent his head back. Grif bent and took the raised column of his voicebox in his jaws, clamped down and gave his head a little shake.
Rylan's head jiggled limply and after a further minute, Grif released him and stood, leaving the clear red imprint of his teeth, but no blood. He turned only his head, his eyes a demand of Merk.
“They gave her to him.” Merk’s breath was still coming hard. Surely that was why he sounded so bitter.
Grif turned again to stare down at Rylan. “You are not in the human Dark, to go your own way now. You will follow our ways. Never attack a brother Trux. That you did so when you have what you wanted disgusts me. Go to the wall, and you will stay there until after everyone has walked out of this room. If you move from it, I will demand balance from you and submission before the Clan. Do you recognize this order?”
Rylan's eyes flew to KarRa's and she saw despair. She didn't understand where it came from. {Yes} he gestured. Smoothly rising to his feet without using his hands he went to the far wall.
KarRa noted there were bloody scratches on his arms and quickly turned to scan Merk. He had scratches as well, deeper.
Grif asked him, “Would you like to go heal?”
Merk shook his head disdainfully, wiping at the blood and smearing it thinly down his arms. “I'm fine.” Turning to KarRa, he said, “You are well?”
KarRa had just one scratch, and perhaps a bruised shoulder. She nodded. “Merk, I’m still angry that you told the Council those things. If you truly walked inside me, you know it wasn’t like that.” She took a steadying breath. “What you said to Rylan… You would have been one of my choices?”
Merk rounded his shoulders. {Apology} “Words without meaning, KarRa. You are a soulmate.” He flicked a glance at Grif, who crossed his arms.
“All is not final, KarRa. Tomorrow night, you declare your choice. Even though you have only one mate choice due to the soulmatch, you can still choose to refuse him. It would result in your leaving Vladaya, and returning to the Seven Cities, although we certainly wouldn’t dump you back into the fringe of Fourth City. If you cannot join with Rylan with a clear spirit, we—I—will make sure you are able to start a new, better life in a City.”
KarRa stared at Merk for several heartbeats. A new life? Not with Rylan? Dazed, her eyes traveled to Grif. He was scowling at her. She moved her eyes to Rylan, rigid against the stone a few paces away.
Rylan took a deep breath. “KarRa, I love you. Nothing would bring me greater pleasure than to have you by my side, and in my bed, from this night on. I recognized that wish the morning I lay with you after Grif’s visit. I have always wanted it in my heart, but never dared to allow myself to think it.
“When I knew I could now come to you as a mate and not just a friend, I wanted to give you time. I wanted to prove myself as a Trux warrior to you. I’ve been moving so slowly, being so patient. Yet here we are, and I can tell you are surprised. KarRa, I know you want me. All you have to do is come to me and I am yours. We are KarRylan.”
Her breath caught in an audible sob at this last.
He finished softly, “We belong together. You have a
lways known this and fought to make me see it. Finally, I am in a place where I am ready to accept it without fear. I am sorry you had to wait.” He looked over at Merk, annoyed. “I am sorry you are in this position because of my choices.”
She heard the implied bitterness at having to argue his right to be with her. Looking back at her, his gaze poured over her features with loving desperation. “KarRa, I can't imagine you even considering leaving. Please, won't you stop this?”
KarRa looked at his face, carefully found the strength to stand, then moved to Grif's watchful gaze and Merk's dark eyes. Turning back to Rylan she whispered, “I think… I need to hear the spirit paths that are opening before me. You think you cannot bear it that I think about another future?” Rylan's face tightened but she continued.
“Rylan, I have lived with you going from lover to lover for years. And I could have lived with it for the rest of my life. It might hurt now that you feel I am turning from you, but you can survive it. If I so choose, you will live with it, as I will live with another for you. You trained me well, Ry. You trained me to exist without you, and now I want to think about where that existence might take me.
“You were all I had. No one but you can understand that. You left. No one but you can understand that. You made me strong enough to fight my way out of anything. I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to trust you again.”
Even as she felt Rylan reeling in pain from her words, KarRa acknowledged the flash of satisfaction, of righteousness that swirled through her. Rylan wanted to fuck her?! Rylan wanted her to be the mother of his children now that they were in a safe world? Rylan wanted her instant and adoring acceptance? I think not.
“So, I just go?” she asked Merk.
“KarRa! I get to see you tomorrow! Before the choice!”
KarRa nodded, sighing. “Rylan, why don’t you just come at your usual time, first thing in the morning?”
She was taken aback when he grinned widely, a predatory toothy smile of anticipation. It was entirely different from the tension and anger he’d been projecting. “Until tomorrow,” he murmured.
KarRa blinked. “Well, I'll see you tomorrow.”
She turned and left in a whirl, her robe swishing oddly around her legs.
She hurried down the hall past the white Wolf, but when she came to the first intersection, she ducked into an alcove and crouched next to a statue of a snarling cat. Wrapping her arms around her knees she buried her face and gave in to deep shivers. She rocked there for some time, her mind full of frozen images from the day, mostly of Rylan's astonishing passionate admissions. Finally she realized her legs had gone numb and let herself slump to the side, leaning on the cat.
Her gaze still down, she ignored the quiet passing of people. Scrubbing her eyes with her fists, she chewed on her knuckles. What am I going to do? Does Rylan really want me? she thought helplessly.
First, she would exercise. That would calm and settle her. She’d meditate. Then she would meet Freezha and find out how she was, about her choices. They would eat together. It would be a relief to not think on her dilemma eternally.
And last she would make a list of goods and bads, as she did when planning which major job to work long-term next. She was exhausted. Maybe a nap was needed. It was perhaps not wise to go sleepless before such an important day.
Shaking her head, she felt better at having ordered her day. Struggling awkwardly up with the piles of fabric around her legs, she stood shakily, smoothing the lapels and tightening her belt.
Looking up, preparing to step out from her hole, she froze to see Grif sitting cross-legged across the hall from her, calmly waiting on the floor. She blinked at him. He had been there the whole time and she had not sensed him? Her cheeks flamed at her weakness in front of this man, suddenly recalling her completely bizarre emotional screaming fit back at their talk in the women's caves. He rose smoothly from his seat, not using his hands.
Shifting his stance wide, he nodded at her. “Would you like a guide to your rooms?”
Yes she would, although she hesitated at having it be him. Feeling foolish, she nodded. He turned and she followed. She was surprised when he did not attempt to touch or talk to her. He simply led her at a smooth even pace. Finally she passed the library and she knew where she was. He stopped and turned to her at the entrance. She looked at him cautiously and he seemed amused.
“Good evening KarRa. Be at ease. Your heart will decide at the right time.” Turning he went past her. Heaving a relieved breath, she went into her hallway.
The first thing she did was throw off her robe and scrub her face with some water from her pitcher. Slicking her hair back she went into her stretches, ruthlessly keeping her mind on her body and balance. Left hip lean, right leg extend, weight to right heel, carry to right hip… When she had completed all the dances she knew and her body was warm and limber but not nearly tired, she sank to the floor and pulled up her mists.
KarRa rarely reflected on her life. Scuffle had believed in meditation as a way to find the truth of things hidden, a way to recognize the strengths and weaknesses in a problem and had taught and encouraged all his Clan to do so. KarRa could do it as well as the next person when it came to studying a difficult job, a tangled relationship knot in her madefamily, or sensing which way local Clan alliances were shifting.
But when she reflected on herself, she didn't find it very helpful. Half the time it left her depressed and convinced she was a weak and useless person, and half the time she ended up thinking, “Yep, I'm still me and that's still my life.”
First she considered her past. Her closeness with Rylan in the past years, while not nearly the kind of consuming intimate bond she had shared with him before, had still been very close. They met often, and occasionally still shared sleep. They still kept each other’s backs in tight places and shared loot as needed. By anyone's standards they were closer than most friends.
She tried to sort out her feelings for how her life had been with him in the last few years. The sadness that pulled at her, the lonely nights, the catches in her chest when he would bring some new woman to a Clan gathering.
The women he used to have when they were still together had not bothered her. She had been curious about what he did with them. She had been mildly puzzled at his excitement both before and after he found someone new to fuck. But when he had someone worthy to sleep with, someone he felt he could start a family with…
She could clearly recall the despair that had sapped her physical strength after she had left her old shak after meeting Vili. When she compared her now self to her nineteen-year-old self, she thought that he could possibly be right. She was more independent without him.
But mostly, life was about the priorities: food, shelter, safety, and Clan. Safety meant the ability to sleep and eat. Clan meant your likelihood of safety increased. She had fleetingly thought of her Clan these past days. She had thought she would like to send them a message so they would know she had succeeded and be proud of her. But she had not wished to return. Never. Not once.
This surprised KarRa in her drifting reflection, and she spent some time examining the feeling. It was true, she did not want to go back. She did not miss her old life. She had not been here long enough to get a solid feel for the Truxet way of life. But she knew that she would not have to live vigilant and afraid. She would not have to fight for food or shelter. She may still have to fight for safety and Clan, but she would have much more power on her side in those fights. These people valued order, peace, and family.
In the Dark, betrayal was a way of life. There had been a dozen Clans who ruled AlphaZeta, the main City gate, in her time there. And none of them lasted after their fall from power. Scuffle did not work that way, another reason that he lasted. He had hangers on that came and went as they moved up and down the power ladder, but his true madefamily had to stand the test of time, and magic, before they were marked, literally, in an adoption ceremony. Of his madefamily, none had betrayed him. She wished Fa
r well in his efforts to hold and grow them.
This life seemed so rich, and peaceful. There were emotional risks, with women having to join with strangers and make new places for themselves. The Beastspirits made things more uncertain, but mostly, men were fair, controlled, and honorable. That was what she had seen, watching for hours from that balcony, and that was what she felt in the air around her.
This was a new world. Food and water was so plentiful it was left out at all hours for whoever wanted it. The fruit KarRa had started taking to her room “just in case” was unnecessary—there was always more. She could study here, for the rest of her life if she liked. KarRa had always liked learning. It was interesting. Rylan had both craved and hated it. He always had more questions than there were answers for. It made him restless. Maybe he would find those answers here.
Carefully, KarRa allowed herself to remember some of his words. She rolled them around inside her. Satisfied. He loved her. Sad. He wasted all that time they could have been together. He felt bedplay between them felt wrong, when she had been showing him her sexuality, her most private inner self, for months.
Disappointed. He thought so little of her will that he must prevent the depth of her love, and control her desire to help him, so that she would be “stronger.” Walking by his side her first years hadn't stopped her thinking or speaking her own thoughts. Shattered. He abandoned their bond. He purposefully decided, KarRa does not want to have children so I will go to another. Now she understood his jealousy the morning after Merk. He was wrong. And he now knew it. He was still justifying it, saying that their history and circumstances confused these decisions. He was wrong. He had wronged her. Even some of the Council had agreed.
She looked at this vindication in her heart. She looked at it in her darkest places. And she was not glad. She was still sad. She felt she had lost something.
Now she was being offered it. He was telling her he loved her, that he wanted to be with her, by her side, for always. He wanted to touch her. He wanted to claim her. It was hers for the taking, everything she had cried for silently, secretly. Every dream she had forced to shrivel and hide was unfolding before her.
