Wolf stood up, too, and for a moment stared into the rage coming from Joe’s eyes. “I do feel guilty. I am sorry. But what am I supposed to do about it when it’s over and done with? Carry it around? I released it,” he said, trying desperately to convince himself. “Besides, according to things you’ve told me, I’m not supposed to judge anyone’s actions, not even my own, and that is what guilt is, judgment.”
“You’re right, Wolf. You’re not supposed to hold onto guilt. But you know what, that can be a cop-out for being heartless.”
“Heartless?”
“Yes. Because what we can do with our actions is recognize them for what they are, and then change. You, my friend, operated out of fear, revenge, superiority. You fucked up. And now, you need to do something you’ve never done before; you need to take responsibility for your actions. Actions!” Joe yelled. “It was your mindless actions that drove you here, now it is action you must use to alleviate the pressure. You must act. Create closure. Truly release what’s inside you, not mentally, that’s rationalizing, but physically. Through action.”
“I don’t get you. You come all this way to put me down, to scream at me?”
“No. Sorry. I’m still pissed. Even though I’ve been trying very hard not to judge you, I have judged.”
“And I’m guilty.”
“Yes, in the first degree. Not as much for what you’ve done, but for what you’ve not done. You’ve apologized to no one. You’ve separated yourself, barricaded yourself in. Shit, you’ve even ignored your own son.”
“Wait there. They divorced me. That’s not what I wanted. He has a new father now.”
“Bull shit!” Joe said, sneering at Wolf.
Wolf stepped closer and pushed Joe into the chair.
“You can shove me, but you can’t block out the truth, and the truth is that Julie divorced you, not Michael. Why does he deserve your fear, your wrath? You are his father, Wolf. He needs you, not his mother’s lover.”
Wolf broke down into tears. “I know,” he said. “I haven’t faced anyone. I’m scared. I can’t. I don’t know how.” He turned away and walked to the fireplace. A breeze gently nudged his back.
Why had he broken down and cried again? It had been happening so often. What was going on inside him? There was a time, in the past, where he would have punched Joe. Why not now? Even when Wolf shoved Joe into the chair, he felt odd, like it wasn’t him doing the shoving, as though there was someone else inside him. “I am angry, Joe,” Wolf said quietly. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand. “And I’m afraid. Stressed. I don’t feel superior, I feel small.” Turning around, Wolf continued, “I have felt small for years. Ever since I was in secondary school. That’s when I began to lie to people. Then to myself. I didn’t feel like I was good enough to—I don’t know, to be liked. So, I think what I did was knock everyone else down, both literally and figuratively. If I could push them below me, I’d feel tall. If I could make people dislike others, then I’d receive some semblance of being liked. But you know what?”
“It didn’t work,” Joe said.
“Right.”
“It back-fired.”
“Right again. The more I shoved the further I separated myself from everyone. Eventually, maybe even earlier than I think, I began to hate myself. Then I discovered sex. You read the books, watch the movies, listen to people talk, and you start to think that sex is love. But it isn’t. It’s just another way to manipulate. It’s another method we use to punish ourselves.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
“You think? Well, that’s not my experience.”
“Your experience is one-sided. I’m not saying you’re completely wrong. We all use sex wrongly at times. Most people put others down occasionally, to make themselves feel better or to falsely raise their own importance. There are still those who use violence. But, you know what? You don’t have to. You can choose otherwise.”
“You wanted to know what I think, too, didn’t you?”
“Sure, what do you think?”
“I think, right this minute, that I got caught, snagged by my own lies. Once I started, there was the pressure to keep it up. Eventually, I lied so often that I began to believe the lies. When I got into a situation where it became a decision between what was true and what was a lie, I’d choose the lie every time.”
“And where has it gotten you?”
Wolf shook his head. “Here,” he said. “Alone. Confused. Afraid.”
“You’re not alone. Not yet.”
“I can’t help but feel your being here is a show of charity.”
Joe stood back up, non-threateningly, and took a few steps towards Wolf. “You’re probably at least partially correct in your assumption. I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter. If I can help, that matters. Maybe it’s my way of finally feeling superior. Maybe I’m trying to prove something to myself, trying to save a life.”
“Maybe you’re just the kindest person I’ve ever known,” Wolf said.
“Don’t feed my ego.”
Wolf smiled. “I suppose I need to apologize for getting physical.”
“Is that what that was, an off-handed apology?”
“I’m sorry, Joe. I don’t know who I am any more. That was the old me breaking through. The me I’m feeling right now is calmer, more honest. I hope this one stays because there’s a promise of peace behind it. The only problem is that this one feels so much like a stranger that my natural tendency is to let the old me back in. It doesn’t happen so much when I’m alone, but more when I have some kind of interaction with someone else.”
“How can I help?”
“You’re helping right now. By coaxing out the old me, in the presence of the changed me, I can see it more clearly. And, truthfully, it’s pretty ugly.”
“It is interesting in an odd sort of way.”
“What’s that?”
“The two you’s,” Joe said. “From one minute to the next, you change. I can see what’s going on. I can see it and feel it; your struggle.”
Wolf took a deep breath. “Just your saying that makes me feel better, less alone. At least it’s not all my imagination. There’s something to it. I’ve been noticing it for a while now. You know what else?”
“No, what?”
“I hear voices and see things. Visions. And I have dreams. Real ones. Dreams that try to talk to me, except that I don’t speak the language.”
“All this started after the New Mexico trip?”
“The vision quest. Yes. That was the breakthrough somehow. I don’t know how Night Walker knew, how any of them knew, but that started it.” With Joe following behind, Wolf moved closer to the front door, then stepped onto the porch, walked over to the banister and leaned over on his hands, looking skyward. “Did you ever read, or see the movie, ‘A Clockwork Orange’?”
“Yes, I have. Both, in fact.”
“I get sick sometimes when I let myself go.”
Joe said nothing, but turned and leaned against the banister. He breathed deeply.
“What a change,” Wolf said to the sky.
“The two you’s?”
“The new me. I can definitely feel when he’s around. And he’s here right now.”
“Still uncomfortable?”
“No, but it’s still unfamiliar. In an anxious sort of way, it is comfortable at times,” Wolf said.
“Maybe you’re getting used to it.”
Wolf turned his head to look at Joe. “Where do we go next?”
“I guess the question that begs to be asked is, which are you going to choose? And why? Then, old buddy, what actions are you going to take?”
“Well, I definitely don’t want to deal with both of me. It’s been tough enough handling it for as long as I have. Come on, Joe, you know the answer to that one. The ‘why’ is obvious. I’ve been an asshole long enough, a complete jerk. So, that’s what I want. The new Wolf. How to do it and what actions to take, I can’t answer. I mean, where the hell do I sta
rt?”
“With Michael?”
“Oh, God.” Wolf shook his head. “I can’t do that. Not yet. I wouldn’t know how.”
“Isn’t he the most important?”
“God dammit, Joe.” Wolf jumped over the porch railing and landed hard onto the ground. Joe heard him continue to swear as he walked across the small yard, away from the light of the cabin and into the dark shadows of the forest.
Joe took another deep breath, sat on the top step, and leaned into the side post. He waited for about ten minutes before Wolf returned.
Wolf stopped dead in front of Joe. “No!” he said.
Joe waited, wondering just which personality had won the battle out there.
“Michael’s too important. I know my actions haven’t shown that in the past, but I’ve been so scared that I wasn’t good enough even to be his father, that I’ve pushed him away. I need practice.” Wolf swallowed hard. “I’m going to visit Lynne and the kids. Make a public apology.”
Joe waited for Wolf to go on.
“Then I’ll be over to apologize to Suze and the girls.”
“You don’t have to do that. I can...”
“I’ll do it,” Wolf cut in. “I want to.”
“Fine. Then Michael?”
“Sharon. That is if she’ll return my calls. Then Julie and Michael.”
“You’ve got a plan. Then what?”
“I have to learn to keep myself in check for a while. I suppose, no matter how slowly it happens, I’ll get used to myself again. The real me, without all the baggage. Without all the anger and fear. I’ll just have to learn to face life honestly.”
Joe got up and held out his hand as he walked down the stairs towards Wolf. They shook hands firmly.
“Thank you, Joe.”
“You’re welcome.”
“What time is it?” Wolf asked.
“About eleven.”
“I’m going to hike up to the field. You want to come along? You have to promise no more heavy conversation, though.”
“Be glad to, on both accounts. In fact, I’d like to listen to the silence. It’s been a long time.”
“Deal,” Wolf said.
They left the cabin door open as they wandered into the woods. The two of them talked very little for the rest of the evening except to point out animals or sounds. At one point Wolf told Joe, “You’ve been a good friend.”
“Hey, you made me promise,” Joe said.
Wolf nodded and continued the climb.
At the field, Joe pointed out an eight-point buck. They sat together and stared at the sky, the woods, the field. They breathed the fresh air and listened to the wind as it snaked through the tall grasses of the field and through the trees. They heard owls hoot and raccoons chatter. For nearly an hour, there was no need for talk, no need to acknowledge one another’s presence at all.
When it came time to go, they both somehow knew it and got up simultaneously. The walk back to the cabin was quiet. Each said good night before retiring to his room.
After a dreamless night’s sleep, Wolf got up early the next morning and made breakfast. Joe showered quickly once he smelled coffee brewing, then walked into the kitchen.
“Ready?” Wolf said.
“I’m not sure.”
“Something wrong?”
“I don’t think I know you,” Joe said.
“Want me to shove you into your chair,” Wolf said, pointing his finger and smiling.
“That’s it. I’ll sit and be good.”
“You want to call Suze before you eat?”
“Nobody’ll be up for another hour. It’s still pretty early.”
“Okay, here goes.” Wolf dropped three eggs into a pan and waited. “I want to thank you again for last night.”
Joe waved Wolf ’s comment away with his hand. “No problem,” he said.
Wolf served Joe his coffee while the eggs cooked. “It’s like they say, recognizing the problem takes you half way to solving it. I think you helped me a lot in defining what’s going on. You dragged it out of me, at least.”
“It was in you all the time.”
“I know, but I wasn’t accepting it.”
Joe sipped at his coffee. “This is good.”
“Thanks. It’s Southern Pecan.” Wolf went back and pushed the lever on the toaster. “This conversation too heavy for you in the morning?”
“Nope. I can take it.”
“I’ve had all the right thoughts roaming around in my head. I’ve tried to clear out that old self several times, realizing where the problem was, but for some reason it kept coming back.” He flipped the eggs. “I did try to kill someone out there. In the middle of nowhere.”
Joe raised his eyebrows in question.
“Me. I fought with me. My ego.”
“Who won?”
Wolf laughed. “Hey, at least I weakened it and confused it some.”
“Well, don’t get rid of it all together or you’ll forget who you are.”
Wolf buttered Joe’s toast and put it on a plate with the three eggs. He poured himself another cup of coffee and brought everything to the table. Before he sat down, he refilled Joe’s cup. “It’s a bitch, ain’t it?”
“Life?”
“Yeah.”
“Sometimes.”
“I really miss Gary.”
“Me too. It was always the three of us.”
“Of all things, I really wish he could see me. I want him to know I’m changed, or at least changing. I want to say I’m sorry.”
“Then do it.”
Wolf looked up, past the ceiling. “I’m sorry, Gary. I miss you.” Wolf lowered his head again. “I wonder what our relationship would be like now.”
“Different,” Joe said.
“Do you think his death had to occur for me to see the possibility of my life?”
“That sounds like ego talking, don’t you think? Then again, I don’t know, Wolf. I just don’t know. But, I know I don’t like the thought that one person has to die to help another, even if that makes the death more acceptable. Not that we accept it at all but, I mean, when someone saves a life and loses their own in the transaction there’s a balance. We understand that better. So, in another sense, maybe he did.”
Wolf sighed. “I’ve been thinking about Gary all morning. Let’s say we take a long walk and then sometime this afternoon we head back? I need to get going. I have a lot to do.”
CHAPTER 15
LYNNE DIDN’T WANT to let Wolf in the door at first. “You should have called,” she said, standing guard in the middle of the doorway.
Peering around her and into the house, Wolf asked, “Where’s Matthew? He’s usually at the door first.”
“He’s with my mom for a few days.”
It was still a little early for Lynne. Her hair was disheveled and she wore a robe.
“I just want to talk with you for a few minutes. To apologize for what happened.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Maybe not for you, I don’t, but I do for me. Please.”
Lynne backed away from the door. “Five minutes. I’m really not up to this.”
Wolf followed her inside. Lynne gestured for him to go into the living room to wait. “I’ll be back in a second.”
Wolf heard the shower running and figured Lynne was going to turn it off and come out, but the shower shut down suddenly even before she made it to the end of the hall. He shook his head as he went in and sat down. She had someone over.
Wolf felt a sudden attack of anger hit him. How could she do such a thing just after... He caught his own thought mid-sentence. Why not? She had slept with him while Gary was still alive. It still seemed worse to Wolf for her to do such a thing so close after the funeral, but what had he expected? In the quiet of the living room, Wolf heard whispers coming from the bedroom, then the sound of a zipper and some rustling.
In a moment Lynne stepped into the living room wearing a pair of faded jeans and an extra-large sweat
shirt. “Okay, so you’re sorry,” she said.
“Aren’t you?” Wolf said without thinking.
“Look, I don’t have to take this.”
“No, wait. I didn’t mean anything. I only...” He paused. “What I did was wrong,” Wolf said. “I wanted to apologize. That’s all. Gary was my friend, and I can’t say I’m sorry to him, not to his face, so I needed to say it to you.”
Lynne’s face relaxed. She sat down in a chair opposite Wolf.
“I’ve been feeling pretty responsible. Pretty guilty lately. And I just have to let it go. I couldn’t do that without doing this. I’d like to apologize to Matthew too.”
“No. He still doesn’t quite understand. But I do.” Lynne crossed her legs. “You don’t need to apologize. It’s my fault if it’s anyone’s.”
“We both had a part in it.”
“Don’t flatter yourself. You always like to be the center of attention. You always want that control, but it isn’t yours this time.”
Wolf knew she was talking about the old him, the one still lingering inside. Her contempt for that person came through loud and clear, and it embarrassed him. “I still feel guilt,” he said.
“I don’t really care how you feel most of the time, but let me tell you, Gary didn’t believe what I told him anyway.”
“But he told Joe.”
“He tested what Joe knew. When Joe didn’t confirm it, he called me a liar.”
“Then why…”
“It was already too late.” She sat back in the chair. “Listen, big man, you weren’t the only one. There were several before you. Gary found out about two of them three years ago. He never got over it. But he tried. We managed for a while.” She looked away. “It was so fake. I couldn’t take it. So, I had another affair. Eventually, in anger, I just told him about it. Arguing one night, he asked who else, so I told him. Yours wasn’t the only name I mentioned. He went to the phone when I slammed the bedroom door. I heard him talking with Joe. Then he broke the bedroom door in and called me a liar. He said that Joe was your best friend and if Joe didn’t know then it didn’t happen.” She adjusted her position to look Wolf in the face. With a scowl, she said, “You weren’t really his friend. That’s what you’re guilty of, not for what we did.”
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