Terry Persun's Magical Realism Collection

by Persun, Terry

  Wolf wanted to lash out physically. And if not that, then verbally, but that’s what Lynne would have expected from him. The emotion rose inside him with nowhere to go. Blood rushed to his face. He gritted his teeth. “I know,” he finally said. “I haven’t been a friend to anyone.”

  She looked surprised. “Well you won’t get any pity from me.”

  “I don’t want it.”

  She wiggled in her seat. Her lips began to quiver. “I did it.”

  “No,” Wolf said. “We all failed him, each in our own way.”

  “I was angry, vindictive. Half of what I told him was lies. I just wanted to hurt him. And now, I don’t even know why.” She bent her head, cupping her hands to her face. Sniffling, she said quietly, “Just go now. Just leave me alone.”

  Wolf stood up and walked over to her, placing his hand on her shoulder for only a moment. Then he left the house.

  Cool air rustled his hair. There seemed to be an unusual power and strength building up inside him. As he walked, he could feel his own muscles tighten and relax. He noticed things. A spider’s web, which stretched between the top of a flowerpot to the ground, flexed in the wind.

  “I bet your worries are totally different from ours,” he said to the spider. Lifting his head, the sun flashed into his eyes and he squinted. He took a deep breath. Birds sang. A horn blew several streets over, echoing against and around the houses in the neighborhood. The sounds of humans and nature pulled together like a familiar piece played by an orchestra. He had taken the train, then a cab to get to Gary’s place, but there were no cabs around now, so he decided to walk the fifteen or twenty blocks to the station.

  The strongest sensation came over him to run on all fours. The wolf in him was there inside, pushing to get out. He thought about shape-changers. How possible was such a thing? Even what he had read about the Sufi was pretty extraordinary. Legends were told all over the world about the mystical side of human beings.

  From a side street, a dog rushed towards him, barking loudly. Wolf jumped, then stood still, his hands up and fingers bent as though he had claws. In an instant, before he could think, he growled back at the dog. It stopped in its tracks, then turned away. Adrenaline rushed through Wolf ’s body. He could stand it no longer. His eyes darted from side to side to see if anyone was around, then he broke into a fast jog. Running felt natural to him. His body flowed over the sidewalk. “In a hurry?” he heard someone say. But he didn’t answer. Sure-footed and powerful, Wolf ran all the way to the train station. Once he stopped, sweat poured down his cheeks. He breathed heavily and sat on the steps. He felt great. Rejuvenated. His next apology would be at Joe’s house, but Joe worked odd hours. It would be a few days before they could actually get together.

  ***

  When he eventually arrived at Joe’s house, he asked, “Have you prepped anyone?”

  “Not at all,” Joe said.

  “Suze didn’t want to know what went on last week?”

  “She asked, but she also respects my privacy. She knows I’ll tell her when I feel ready.”

  “You do have a great relationship,” Wolf acknowledged. He walked past as Joe held the door. It surprised him to walk into an empty living room. He’d expected everyone to be sitting there, pow-wow style, when he arrived. He turned around and looked at Joe questioningly.

  “I’ll collect them,” Joe said. “Have a seat.”

  Wolf sat in a high-backed chair off to one side. Although he had planned the meeting, he didn’t want to be the central figure. He wasn’t even sure what he was going to say. He felt self-conscious. Rubbing his hands together and looking around the room, he was surprised when Susan’s voice broke in.

  “I brought you a glass of water,” she said, standing near him. Susan dressed elegantly even when casual. She wore a bracelet that Wolf recognized as one that Joe had paid ten bucks for when they were in high school. A lemon slice floated with ice in the glass she handed him. “Joe says you want to talk about something serious, so I thought...”

  “You’re right, I will probably need this.”

  She smiled, turned and sat down. The girls paraded in single file and sat on the sofa together. Melanie pushed herself all the way to the back cushion, while Stephanie sat mid-way on hers. Joe kneeled next to Susan, placing his hand over hers. All was silent.

  Wolf blushed with embarrassment, then felt angry, then afraid. He waited as each emotion affected his body in a different manner. Mentally, he noted the bodily changes that took place; the blood to the face, the increasing heart rate, the thickening in his chest and throat. And he noticed each dissipated merely from his awareness of it. “I don’t know what to say.” He looked down into his hands. Words came slowly. They were difficult to get out. Wolf swallowed. The children stirred.

  “How are you feeling,” Susan said.

  Wolf ’s lip began to tremble. He took a deep breath and let it out as slowly as he could manage. “Terrible,” he said. “I feel like shit.”

  Stephanie looked over at her sister and giggled. Susan shot them both a serious glance, then turned her attention back to Wolf.

  He registered Stephanie’s reaction and instantly understood that each of them in the room would perceive whatever he said in a different way, based on their understanding of what happened and of the world in general. He was strictly there for himself, to release himself from the bondage that he felt. Stephanie saw no chains; perhaps Susan didn’t either. And Joe was only aware of the facts that Wolf had offered. Nothing he said could ever truly explain it all. “I mean, I feel terrible for all that has happened.”

  “What happened?” Melanie broke in.

  “Nothing,” Susan said, giving her another one of her ‘sit quietly’ looks.

  “It’s okay.” Wolf looked at Melanie, acknowledging her. “I was not such a good person,” he said. “You probably didn’t notice so much, but sometimes I would treat people badly because I didn’t like myself. Do you know what I mean?”

  “I think so.”

  “Good.” He turned to Susan. “I’m sure you know.”

  She blushed slightly.

  “What I’ve done for years—how I’ve acted—hasn’t been right. And I can’t make it right. Not now and not ever. But I can promise to act differently from now on. To be a different person completely. You don’t have to believe me. Or like me. I know what I was and it was probably much, much worse than what you understand. It went deeper than what anyone could have experienced. But it’s over. That’s all I came to say.”

  He waited, but no one commented.

  “I’m being vague, I know. But in a lot of ways this isn’t for you as much as it is for me. I have to learn to come out with it—the truth. It may be the only way I really get to see how shameful it is myself. Allow me this final selfish act.” Wolf sighed. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done: to admit to my failures.” He laughed then, “And mean it.”

  Joe smiled and nodded his head.

  Wolf raised his palms and then let them fall onto his knees as though that was all he had to say. He picked up the water glass with a shaky hand and sipped.

  “Are we done?” Stephanie wanted to know.

  Susan looked over at Wolf, who nodded an affirmative. “Sure, honey, you can go play now. Both of you.”

  The girls got down and headed out of the room. Melanie stopped at the doorway for a moment and turned around. “Mommy says that it’s good to say you’re sorry when you really are. Do you feel better, now?”

  Wolf looked up and smiled a wide, loving smile. “Yes I do, Mel. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “You’ve brought up two beautiful children,” Wolf said.

  “Except maybe for the giggling,” Susan added.

  “They’re not used to that sort of language,” Joe said. “It’s still funny to them.”

  “I could tell that was difficult for you,” Susan said. “I hope it helped.”

  “Me too,” Wolf said. “I do feel bette
r right now. I’m not sure whether I should have involved your kids or not, though. Since they don’t really understand what’s going on.”

  “They understand enough,” Joe said. “You apologized. Even if they don’t know what you apologized for, it’s good for them to hear an adult from outside the family do that. It’s a good example. And that’s all we can really hope to be anyhow, is an example. Words mean nothing unless your actions back them up.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll back them up.”

  “Oh, I didn’t mean….”

  “I know. I’m just re-affirming it for myself.”

  Susan shifted in her seat and leaned forward. Something was on her mind. “Joe told me about Lynne—about what happened when you went over. I hope what you learned there helped also. I hope you realize that Gary’s death was not your fault. It’s no one’s fault.”

  “I don’t care, not in a lot of ways, whether it was my fault or not, completely or partially. I did something really wrong. I acted out of fear, hate, revenge—I don’t know what. I violated everyone with my actions, especially myself. I’ve been doing it for a long time. Well, not any more. Not as long as I’m the least bit conscious of it.”

  “Well, I, for one, am proud of you,” she said.

  “Me, too,” Joe echoed.

  Wolf took a deep breath, then stood. “I appreciate you allowing me this little episode. The hard part is yet to come.”

  “Have you talked with Julie or Michael at all?” Joe asked.

  “Once since I’ve been back. I think Julie noticed something was different, but I’ve been acting weird for a while. Michael seemed distant, but only I can close the gap between us, and I don’t know how to do that.”

  “You’ll find the way,” Susan reassured him. “It’ll all work out as long as you have the right intentions.”

  “I believe you,” he said. Wolf walked into the foyer and opened the front door. When he turned to say good-bye, Susan reached out to hug him. She had never done that before. While they hugged, she told him that she liked the change in him, and again expressed how proud she was.

  Joe patted him on the shoulder, then shook his hand once Susan backed away.

  “Thank you for coming out to the cabin. You saved my life.”

  Joe said nothing; he just nodded.

  Wolf left the house, relieved. Never before had he realized what peace could be gained merely from letting go of his pride and saying that he was sorry. The words were simple words but they were powerful ones. He hoped they had affected Joe’s family as much as they had him.

  His trip home was pleasurable. When he arrived, it seemed that only minutes had passed, yet it had been several hours. He could still remember details from his trip home, but not the amount of time it had taken to get there.

  Wolf fixed himself a small dinner salad and sat on the sofa to eat. The evening sky darkened, reducing the light inside his apartment to a glimmer. Wolf noticed a blinking out the corner of his eye. It was his answering machine. Holding his bowl in one hand, he walked over to it and pressed the play button.

  “Hello, Lew. This is Julie. I just got off the phone with Suze, and…well, maybe we should talk. Don’t worry, Sam’s here and he’s okay with this. Really. He wants things to work out.” There was a short pause. “For everyone involved. Especially Michael. Well, call me when you get the chance.”

  Wolf went back to finish his salad. It seemed only fitting that things were beginning to get easier. Michael would not be so easy, he was sure, but Wolf missed his son. And the more he let go of everyone else, the larger the hole inside him became—the place that Michael needed to occupy. The less his thoughts were everywhere else, the more they returned to what was truly important. Release the shit, he thought, and you finally get to see where you belong.

  CHAPTER 16

  WOLF’S FIRST MEETING with Julie was quick and simple. Perhaps she was testing the waters, to see if what Susan had told her was even remotely accurate. They met at a diner that sat along a rural route not far off the freeway in New Jersey. Wolf also had an interview with the public relations arm of a local college, for which he was highly overqualified. He wore a suit.

  Wolf ’s heart quickened its beat as he stepped into the front door of the diner. He had seen Julie’s car in the parking lot, so he knew she’d be waiting inside.

  “One?” a young woman said as he stepped inside.

  “No. I’m meeting someone.”

  “Mr. Smith,” she assumed, “please follow me.” She walked ahead of Wolf and led him to the table where Julie sat, reading the menu.

  “Hi,” he said. She was as beautiful as he remembered her. No wonder he had felt so bad when she left him. There was something between them that just clicked. He sat down across from her. There was a time, not long ago, when just seeing her would drag up feelings of anger and hatred toward her, for what she had done to him. But in the split second it took him to say hello and to sit down, Wolf understood where that anger had always come from, or more accurately, against whom it was truly directed. He had allowed her to leave him through his own self-contempt. Seeing her sitting there made him miss her, but it was too late. He accepted that as best he could.

  “So, how are you?” she said. Her eyes rose to meet his, but with no evidence of a smile on her face.

  “Better,” he said, “much better.” He wanted to tell her that he missed her. He missed them together as a family. But, somehow, that didn’t seem like the right thing to do. If he was meant to be with Julie again, it would have to happen on its own. He couldn’t, with clear conscience, push in that direction.

  “You’ve been away for a while now. Only a few phone calls.”

  “I know. Michael’s probably forgotten me.”

  “Not at all. You’re his father. He’s still making excuses for you, but I can tell how much it hurts him when you don’t show up because you have to cancel at the last minute.”

  Wolf averted his eyes from hers. “I can imagine.”

  “I’m not sure that you can, or you’d act differently.”

  “I know. You’re right.” He looked back over at her. “You are right.”

  “That’s why I didn’t want to bring him. I didn’t know if you’d actually show up or not. I thought you might cancel.”

  “I didn’t.”

  “Not this time.”

  “I promise that I won’t do it again.”

  “I want to be sure,” she said.

  “Would you like to order?” The waitress had sneaked up on them.

  “Ah, sure. I suppose I can.” Wolf glanced up at Julie. “Are you ready?”

  They ordered quickly, then went back to their conversation.

  “I’m trying very hard to do this right this time,” Wolf said. “Sometimes I’m not sure if I even know how, but I want to. I have to. I can’t go on the way I have in the past.”

  “You can do it, Lew. I know that. You just have to convince yourself of how important it is, not just to you, but to Michael. That’s always been the problem. You only did for yourself. No one ever came before you. Michael has to, or you’ll never come by.”

  “I’m afraid,” he said honestly.

  “You should be. This may not be easy. But, like I said, he’s still making excuses for you. He’s still your son. You need to commit to this now, because any failure to deliver could change his mind.” She reached over and touched Wolf ’s hand. “He needs you, Lew. I worry about him. So does Sam. We both know how important this is.” She removed her hand, “But if you can’t do it, I don’t even want you to try. I’d rather you don’t see him than for you to lie to him. He’s too vulnerable.”

  Wolf could see how serious she was about Michael, and her words hit home. He had to commit. He had to deliver, or it could have serious effects on his son. If attitudes and other personality traits could be handed down through his actions, Wolf didn’t want to pass along what he had been, but what he aspired to be. That would take a commitment to himself and to Michael. Bu
t he felt capable, and told Julie as much. With conviction Wolf explained briefly where he was emotionally and how he got to that point. He wanted Julie to feel confident that he could deliver.

  “Don’t slip up,” she said when he finished. “I won’t let you hurt him that way.”

  “I understand.” Wolf wanted to reach out to her, to hold her, but he couldn’t do it. He realized at that moment that half the reason he had not gone to see Michael was because he couldn’t bear to see Julie. He’d have to overcome both situations in order to reconnect with his son.

  Lunch arrived. They ate in relative silence. Julie asked what had happened at Saunders and James, and Wolf explained the events that led up to his present unemployment. He explained the job he was interviewing for, as well. As she inquired briefly about how he expected to maintain his present lifestyle with such a junior position, he couldn’t answer. He hadn’t thought much about it, he told her. “I just want to do something that feels right for a change.”

  “There are companies that are ethical, aren’t there? They can’t all be profit mongers at the expense of the public and their employees.”

  “True. There are a few, actually quite a few if you include some that Saunders and James didn’t have.”

  “Then why not go after those jobs yourself? Start your own agency?”

  Wolf had never thought quite along those lines, but once Julie got him going down that road, the sky began to open up.

  “Well,” she said after finishing her salad, “you’d better get on with your day, and I’d better get on with mine. I’m glad you showed up and I’m glad we got to have this little talk. I just hope you showed up because of Michael and not because of your interview.”

  “I was afraid you’d think that, but that’s not how it is.”

  “I think I’m beginning to believe you.”

  Wolf got up from his seat and waited for Julie to step in front of him. He followed her out, stopping to pay the bill on their way. Julie waited and they walked to the parking lot together.