In their younger living, it was not very hard on them, their father's way of always beginning, they liked it too, the beginning, and the ending too, that was not so bad then for them, the impatient feeling in him was not then irritable inside him.
They had some troubles with him then in their early living, sometimes in ways of doctoring, sometimes when he thought it was good for all of them to have castor oil given to them, sometimes when he thought a Chinese doctor would be good for them, sometimes when he had a queer blind man to examine some one of them; but all this, and the ways of eating, ways of cooking, he thought good for them, will come out in the history of each one of the three of them, for in each one of them it had a different effect on them in their later living, these new beginnings in all their younger living, beginnings and new ways in doctoring and in ways of eating.
Sometimes in little things it would be annoying to them in their early living, his way of beginning and then never knowing that he was full up with impatient feeling and so had stopped and wanted others to keep on going. Sometimes this would be annoying of an evening. He would want to play cards and the three of them would begin with him, to please him. The children felt it to be hard on them when they would have begun playing cards just to oblige him and after a few minutes with them he would have arise in him his impatient feeling, and he would say, “here you just finish it up I haven't time to go on playing, “and he would call the governess to take his hand from him and all three of the children would have then to play together a game none of them would have thought of beginning, and they had to keep on going for often he would stop in his walking to find which one was winning, and it never came to him to know that he had made the beginning and that the children were playing just because they had to, for him. It was a small thing but it happened very often to them and it was annoying for them.
In their younger living life was pleasant enough for all of them in the ten acre place, though they had a governess and that was not always pleasant to them, their father was not always pleasant for them, their mother mostly was not very important to them. It was true of all three of them then that they were more entirely of them, the poorer people who lived around them, than they were of their mother then, than their mother was of them then, though they were all there was of their mother's daily living then.
Later in their living their father was angry when he saw it in them that they were not comfortable with the people who were always in a right rich living, when they came in contact with them. This feeling the mother never had about them. To her she was always of that right rich being, she never felt it in her that she was cut off from the way of being that was the natural way of being for her, she felt the sense of being important inside her, she never knew that that was different in her than it had been when she was of the old way of living that was natural to her. It never came to her to know it inside her that she had in her a feeling of herself in her that never had been in her and never would be in most of her own family who had gone on with the natural way of living for them. She did not know she had had an important feeling of herself inside her arise in her from being cut off from the natural way of living for her, from knowing the Shilling family and then from having later around her only, for her, poor queer kind of people, and governesses and servants and seamstresses and dependents there in the house with her.
She never really knew it in her that she was not really important to the man who was a husband to her. She never really knew it in her that she was not important to the children who had been once in her. In her later life when she was weak and breaking down inside her she felt it a little dimly in her, now she did not have any such feeling, she had a feeling of herself inside her, she had around her a governess and servants and a seamstress and dependents, she had her husband and her three children. She never knew it in her husband that she was always less and less important to him, she never knew it then that her children were then coming to be more entirely of them, the poorer people who lived in the small houses near them, than they were of their mother then, than their mother was of them then, though to her feeling then they were almost all there was then of her daily living. She never knew it that to the feeling in her of herself inside her her husband and her children were not important to her, they were of her as if they were in her a part of her, they were not important to her in the feeling of herself inside her that had come now to begin to be really in her.
Real country living feeling all three of the Hersland children in their younger living had inside them, a real country living feeling. This they had in them in the ten acre place with the hired men working and the chickens and ducks and fruit-trees and haymaking and seed-sewing and cows and some vegetable gardening. It was to them in their feeling real country living, it was to them earning a living in the hard country way and it was so that they then felt it inside them.
The three children had in many ways then in them the feeling of real country living. Their mother never had this feeling, with her it was always country house city living. In the children it was sometimes a real country living feeling that they had in them, and they were then very really a part of the life around them, of country ways of making a living, of cows and chickens and fruit-trees and hunting, and it was for them then in their younger living not country house city living, it was for them then real country living and country feeling and village life around them and hard-working country ways of earning a living.
The people in the small houses near them had all of them a half and half feeling, a half country and a half city feeling in them.
The three Hersland children had in them a country house city feeling only in their mother's feeling and with the governess and servants and dependents living there in the house with them. As it was true then of all three of them that they were more then of the poorer people around them than they were of their mother's living then, so it was true of the three of them that they had more in them the country feeling of the people around them than they had of the half city feeling that these people had in them. All of the Hersland children had a little too of the half city feeling that the people around them had in them. The country feeling and the city feeling the Hersland children had in them in their being part of the life around them was different than any feeling their mother and the servants and governesses and dependents living in the house with them ever had in any of them. Their father had a feeling more like that in them then, with him it was from his being as big as all the world around him, everything was in him, he had all of it somehow someway a little in him, city feeling, country feeling, and city country house feeling, inside him.
With the people living in the small houses near them Mr. Hersland mostly had in him city country house living, he was important to all of them, the only rich man in that part of Gossols where they were living. He was important to them then, the rich man, and they did not then know him any more than as his children then knew him. He was a pleasant enough useful enough man for them to have living in the big place near them. The queer ways in him never made them think much about him. They knew then more of the daily living of Mrs. Hersland and the children. The men in most of the little houses near the ten acre place mostly, like Mr. Hersland, only came to their houses for eating, for sleeping and for Sunday resting. He did the same, only he was a rich man, a pleasant man enough to them, a useful man enough when they would have any need of him. They never thought much about the queer ways he sometimes had in him, they never had then for him anything in the way of a personal feeling.
He was then for them a city country house person. He had it in him to feel other things inside him, sometimes to feel in him a real country living feeling, sometimes he brushed it all away from him, the country feeling, the city country house feeling living, he was then inside him a city man with city schemes and troubles and men around him, and then he walked up and down and his impatient feeling was irritable inside him and he would be muttering and talking to himself and jingling the money in his pockets then and
more and more it came to be true of him that he walked up and down thinking, to himself inside him working, scheming, brushing men away from around him, domineering over them, going another way not knowing inside him that he was leaving them because they were then too many for him.
More and more then in their later living in the ten acre place in that part of Gossols where no other rich people were living there was for him no reality to country living, to city country house living. There was to him then in his later living more reality in the people living then around him, but this will come out in the history of him as each of his children get to know it then about him.
For the children it was in the beginning really country living, for the mother it was always rich city country house living. For the people around them in Mrs. Hersland then it was rich city country house living, in Mr. Hersland city being, in the three Hersland children each one a mixed thing in them of the three ways of feeling, rich city country house being country being and city being, and the mixtures of these three feelings in each one of the three of them to the people in the small houses near them is part of the history of each one of the three of them.
Each one of them had something in them then of real country feeling. In some one of them it was the fruit-trees, in some one the vegetable gardening, in some the cows, in some the chickens, in some the selling things from the place, in some the men working, in some ways in all three of them there was then something of real country living feeling, something of country life earning of a living.
They all three had it in them to have something of such country feeling. They got it in many ways, in hay-making, hay cutting, helping the men working, eating bread and vegetables, fruit as they were picking it, they got it from milking, and butter and cheese making, they got it from the seasons and the things they did to help things growing, they got it in every way around them, they got it in helping ploughing, in helping cut grass, and make the hay into bales for winter storing, they got it from playing Indians and having the darkness come around them, they got it from eating grass and leaves and having the taste in their mouths to bring back such things to them in their later living, they got it in every kind of a way then. They got it from the feeling of the wind around them, when they shouted with it around them, when they crouched down somewhere with it cut off from them, when they helped the men sowing seed with it blowing around them, and when the trees hit their own wood and made that queer sound that they got to have inside them. One can only get the real feeling of wind blowing in the country, in country living. Rain beating, and mud and snow and other ways of feeling the world outside them they can have in city country house living. Strong wind blowing needs real country living to give it a right feeling and this they all three of them each in their own way had then inside them. It was a very different way that each one of them had it in them, a different way too that their mother had it in her, that their father had it in him.
Real country living feeling all three of the Hersland children in their younger living had inside them, a real country living feeling. It was to them then in their feeling real country living, it was to them then earning a living in the country way. It was so that they then felt it inside them. In their later living it was different in each one of them. In Martha this being part of the country village living was not in her later living inside her to her feeling but it was inside her in her being. In Alfred there was in his later living nothing of this in him, not in his being not in his feeling; he was of his mother then, the feeling she had had in her was what was in him then, the being important to himself inside her, the having in her the right rich being which was the natural being in her. In the younger brother David this early living was made by him into him as he made all his living in him, he made it a part of him, was something in him to be made over inside him to be a part of the whole of him.
As I was saying Mrs. Hersland never had inside her country living feeling nor city living feeling. She did not have such a feeling in her any more than the governesses and seamstresses and servants who lived in the house with her. She had a feeling of being part of the rich right being that was natural to her. She had always in her the feeling of rich city country house living with servants and dependents in the house with her, with near her, for her, poor queer kind of people who were employed by her, who were to her different from her, who were with her to her as they had need of her; she felt herself inside her important to herself in her with such people always around her. Always more and more she felt herself important inside her. This came to be in her at its strongest inside her in her relation to a governess, Madeleine Wyman. Later it came to be less and less inside her. Later she was weakening inside her and her feeling of importance to herself inside her went out in her. She broke down a little, later, into weakness inside her. She more and more then had no strength in her, she more and more then was not important to her husband who was beginning then to have troubles in him that left him nothing of the tender feeling she had once been for him, she was less and less important to her children who were then so big inside them that she was then always lost among them. More and more then in her weakening she was not of them and superior to them the servants in the house with them and the people in the small houses near them. More and more she was weakening then, the feeling of herself inside her died out of her then. Her husband never thought about her then, she was lost then among her children who were then themselves inside in each one of them and fighting it out with all the world around them, she was not part of their world then, she was lost among them. She was not any longer then important to the servants in the house then. There was not any longer then a governess or a seamstress in the house with them. The people in the small houses near them were always less and less part of the daily living of Martha, Alfred and young David then. Mr. Hersland was the only one important to them then and so in every way the feeling of herself inside her was no longer kept up in her. Soon it all died out of the inside of her, she was weakening then and when all the troubles came to all of them in their later living she died away and left them and they all soon forgot that she had ever been important to them as a wife, a mother, a mistress living among them. One never forgot her in her later living and this was the governess Madeleine Wyman. With her had come to Mrs. Hersland to have it strongest inside her in all the living from the beginning to the ending of her, it had come to her to have in her relation to Madeleine Wyman and the family of Madeleine Wyman the strongest time in her of having a feeling of herself inside, of being important to herself in her.
Mrs. Hersland's living in the ten acre place with a husband, three children, always with a governess, a seamstress and servants in the house with her, and with, for her, poor people around her, was the important part of living to her, the part of living where she was nearest in her to being important to herself inside her as an individual power not only as part of the rich being which was natural to her.
She never knew it in her that it was different inside her than it would have been in her if she had lived in Bridgepoint with her family around her and the natural way of being for her always in her. Slowly the different kind of feeling of herself inside her grew to be more and more in her. It was at its strongest in her in her relation to the governess Madeleine Wyman and her struggles with the family of the Wymans who wanted to interfere with her. It was strong in her when she went a little later to visit at Bridgepoint and had her family around her. She was then herself inside her and that made a kind of a princess of her and they, her family, never knew it about her, she never knew it in her, that it was different inside her because of her having been cut off from the way of living that was the natural way of living for her. This was the end of the strongest time of being important to herself inside her. Then began the weakening of this in her, then began the weakening of the health in her, of herself inside her, of the whole of her. More and more then she broke down into weakness inside her and that was the beginning of her ending and she went on then slowly weakening to the
end of her. She died away then and they all soon forgot her. The governess Madeleine Wyman was the only one to keep it in her that Mrs. Hersland once had been strong to feel herself inside her. Madeleine Wyman was married then and had a successful enough life then but always Mrs. Hersland was the most important thing, to her, that had ever been in her.
In their younger living all the three children Martha, Alfred and David, all of them had it in them to be more or less afraid of their father when he was angry or even playing with them. They never knew then how the anger in him might drive him, they never knew when they were playing with him when it might change in him to an outburst and then they never knew how far this burst would carry him and so like most women and all children, even when they would stand up against him, the man near them, they had in their younger living, all of them, more or less fear in them. This was not in all of them then a conscious feeling. They had each one then more or less of fear in them always when with him, when he would be connected to them in their feeling, in their actual doing. They had not then this about them in them as a conscious feeling then each one of them, they did not have then in them while they were connected to him a conscious feeling of more or less fear in them until after each time with him, then they would have more or less in them a conscious feeling in them of the fear that they had always more or less then in them with him. This was more or less true then of all three of them. Later in their living when it had come to be with him that he was all full up with impatient feeling, that then there was nothing in him that was not impatient feeling, then they had not any longer much fear of him, they knew it then about him that he was filled up with impatient feeling, they knew then that the anger in him never would drive him to any last act against them. More and more then as impatient feeling was all that there was of him, less and less then did they have in them any fear of him, more and more then they could stand up against him and he would always give way before them. Martha had always a little left in her even in his latest living of this fear of him, Alfred and David then had no fear of him, they could stand up to him and win out against him with not any fear inside them of where his anger might drive him. This was true of them in his later living, when his wife was no longer in him, when nothing was in him but impatient feeling. Later it went further with him, he was shrunk away then from the outside of him, he had impatient feeling in him but it was then weakness in him he had not enough of that then to fill him, he needed others then to fill him, he was then shrunk away from the outside of him. He needed then a woman to fill him and that was the last part of his living. Martha was then with him, she had come back out of her trouble to him, she was then there taking care of him, she had still a little fear in her of him, she had not then any power in him, she could not fill him, other women did it for him, and so he kept on to his ending.
The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress Page 20
