One of this kind of them I have been describing has it that everything is in her as cleverness, or self-protection from any stimulation, never an emotion about a thing. This one would, if she could, have real emotion but it never is even a little bit in her of herself, inside her. Sometimes it is, a moment, a real feeling in her, something from something, when it is made to be in her by some one by force holding her from having it turn into cleverness, suspicion, sentimental believing, self-protection and so giving it a chance to sink into her so that she has a reaction to it really in her. This has a few times happened to her. This one is always feeling that some one should do this for her. Holding her from being her way in her so that emotion can be in her has been done for her. She never can do this for herself, ever. She is in her feeling certain that every one in this way should be doing for her. She is all her living needing that some one do this thing. She has it in her as a feeling that the world owes it to her to do this for her. She has not ever any really grateful feeling, she has only the emotion that some one wins in her for her. It is an interesting game to play in her and very many do it for her. Then they lose the power and she has to have another. She does not know that she is certain that the world owes this to her.
This one then would have it in her to be certain that to be dead was not to be at all really a dead one, this was what this one wanted to have in her as realisation, as emotion, this conviction is what this one was very certain the world owed her. This is what this one wanted that she should have in her, have as emotion inside her, this emotion in her is what every one knowing should do for her inside her. Very many coming to know her tried to give it to her, always she was wanting to have this inside her, the conviction, the emotion that to be dead was not to be really a dead one. This was the history of the living in her. She had in her as I was saying to have it that nothing gave to her really an emotion about that thing. Every thing touching her aroused in her suspicion, cleverness and self-protection. She wanted to have conviction and emotion that to be dead is not to be really truly a dead one. She wanted this in her, this realisation and emotion, in her, and then too she would be certain, she knew then she would then be really certain completely certain that every one was a very much better one than each one really was in living. She was certain, pretty nearly certain that if she were really completely certain that she was really knowing that to be dead was not to be at all a really dead one she would then be knowing that every one living was really a very much better one than each one really is living and this would be a very pleasant feeling for her to be having. Always then she was needing to be completely certain that she was really knowing that to be dead was not to be really at all a dead one and always she was unconsciously feeling that the world owed her owed it to her to give her this realisation. This was a history of her. Perhaps she never came really to have it in her, perhaps she came to have it a little in her, always some one was working in her for her, this is a history of her. This is an amusing thing, this history of this one. Sometime a very detailed history of this one will be an amusing thing to be writing, to be reading. Now I will not tell any more detail of this one.
Some as I was saying have it in them to have this kind of reaction I have been describing as sexual emotion and one such a one that I am knowing is quite an interesting one, quite an extraordinary one and sometime I will tell some of the exciting things in her living but not now, now I am going on describing three more kinds of resisting being. These I have been describing are resisting being in the sense that they would be resisting if they had any real emotion in them about anything but really they have not that in them and resisting being in them is a thing in them one is knowing in them from resemblances between them and those really resisting in living. Enough of this kind of them then now as I am saying, I will begin again some time with them, that is almost certain.
I am now going to give very little description of three other kinds in resisting being and then perhaps a few more will be adding themselves in but I am hoping that not very many will be adding themselves then because I will be wanting to be going on writing the history of Alfred Hersland which will certainly be more interesting now that every one knows so very much more of resisting, of resisting engulfing being in men and women.
This one I am beginning describing is a little connected on with these I have been just describing and is a little connected on with the next one I will be describing which is to be the kind of resisting being who are continually attacking. This one then is not an easy one to be describing, I will begin a little slowly now to be thinking and then I will do a little a very little writing. To commence now with my thinking. I am thinking now of this one.
This one is of the resisting kind in men and women, might have been of the engulfing kind of them, was not at all of the engulfing kind of them was only a resisting one, had a feeling of being an engulfing kind of them which made this one have very much emotion of dominating with stern action.
This one was of the resisting kind in men and women, this one had a little, had quite a good deal, had very often, had in a way always the emotion of dominating by engulfing, this made this one in her inside her in her feeling and often in her talking melodramatic in description, really this one was resisting, quite nicely, quite successfully a resisting one, not at all really an engulfing one, quite a good deal an engulfing one to herself inside her in her feeling. Feeling herself to be being an engulfing one gave to this one melodramatic sensation of being an important one, this one was quite a bit an important one in living by the resisting being that was really winning being in her. A little with an animal or with her children she was a little to herself then and a little to them an engulfing one, really she was not at all an engulfing one, she was certainly completely a resisting one. As I am saying being to herself inside her an engulfing one gave to her melodrama of herself to herself inside her, melodrama in herself to herself inside her in her living with other ones, really there was not melodrama in her living mostly in her, a little with a little child or an animal around her, really not at all in living in her. She had from this melodrama, in her later, a history inside her of the past living in her and this was of her as a completely dominatingly engulfing being in her living. This one then certainly was in living simply a resisting sensitive fairly of the resisting sensitive being, dependent as dependent independent ones have it to be dependent in them, not at all in bottom being an engulfing one. This one then is connected With the group I have been describing by this conception she had of her own being but she was different from these I have been describing for she had not the being in her of being something from sensitiveness in her as these have it really in them. In her it was melodrama. She was really steadily winning resisting sensitive bottom dependent independent being. This one is connected with the one I will now be describing because this one made out of this being she had in her a little to herself and to very little ones near her a kind of attacking being, of dominating by stern attacking and this was from the, to herself, engulfing being in her. Really this one was not really at all an engulfing one. Really this one I have been just describing is not so completely clearly in my feeling as I would have them I am describing. It is there, but not so absolutely there as a realisation, that I can be content with owning what I am knowing. I will not then say now any more about this one. I will now say a little about another one, one who was of the resisting kind of them, not at all of the engulfing kind of them, one who was to herself and to every one always an attacking one. This one was attacking the way a boy is when he is thrown into water and is scared then and every kind of way is hitting the water so as to keep the water from drowning him. Such a boy makes very much splashing. This is the kind of attacking this one had in her living, this one was so scared she was always hitting out in every direction, this one had little moments of knowing she was a timid one, mostly she was certain she was a very attacking successfully attacking one.
This resisting one was very often, and mostly always, braggi
ng, was very often certain that to be the one that one was in living was to be one quick and poignant in emotion and quick in vigorous attacking. This one was this to a considerable number seeing this one doing living, knowing this one all her living. This one was this, was an attacking one to mostly every one seeing this one doing all the living in this one. In a way as I was saying it was true of this one. A boy thinking he is drowning is hitting the water every kind of way to keep it from drowning him and as I am saying he is making very much splashing. Resisting then was the being in this one, hitting in every direction was the living in this one, bragging always that this one was doing more hitting than any other one was always in this one, engulfing was not at all in this one. This one knew sometimes that she was really a timid one. This one was not winning by resisting, not by sensitive dependent being, because this one was always hitting away making a whirlwind around this one so that not anything could come near this one to attack this one. This one was not really a successful one in inner living, not in loving, not in winning permanently any one, not in winning permanently with working, resisting was the way of winning for this one and this one was not ever in living really resisting to anything, this one was always hitting in every direction, this one was really a slow one, this one was to herself a very quick one, this one was hitting in a quick enough fashion but she was not hitting anything she was attacking, hitting in every direction one must sometimes hit something, this one sometimes hit something, to this one she was always hitting something, to a good many knowing this one she was always hitting something.
This one was very certain in a foolish way of being timid and always hitting out at anything that she had really intuition, that she was really certain that to be dead was not to be at all, why not a bit, a dead one. This one was telling this very often. This one was telling this in a way once to several listening. This one is a very common type of resisting being and I know very many of this kind of them and all of them are certain of themselves to be certainly knowing whether to be dead is to be or not to be a really dead one. That is complete attacking, by them. This one was telling of the way this one was certain. This one was telling that she was certain some one was a bad one. She knew it she was certain, she knew it by intuition, she knew it by her feeling, she knew it because she knew that to be dead is not to be at all, not the least bit a really dead one. This one as I am saying was completely a resisting one but this one never was really resisting, this one was, even she herself knew that a little, a timid one, she knew she was afraid always with a man. This one was a very typical one of the resisting kind who are always attacking and attacking is not at all the way to winning for them. These then are incessant in attacking, they are never at all resting from attacking, mostly they know that they are not winning in loving, mostly they think they can be certain that to be dead is to be or is not to be a dead one, they are mostly always not really winning in loving. This one that I am describing was not ever winning in loving, this one was certain that this one had a feeling that was certain about being a dead one was to be not a dead one. This one was certain of the intuition this one had of every one. This was really in this one from the dependent being in this one and the stupid attacking in this one. This is the way this one told of one complete intuition.
There is a whole series of this kind of them that I know in living. I saw yesterday afternoon two of them together and one of these two of them did not do very much attacking and she was successful in loving and she was very dependent and very independent in the way dependent independent kind of them have it in them to be winning. I knew once very well another one of this kind of them who was always doing considerable attacking and always doing very much bragging and always wanting to be thinking inside in this one and telling it to every one when this one heard mentioned anything done that this one was doing everything quicker and stronger and farther and shorter and slower and happier and sadder and weaker and completer and every other kind of more or lesser that any one can conceive of anything, than any one. But always this one was really solidly winningly resistingly dependently independently living. This one had it as a simple conviction that this one could do everything, this one did mostly everything, this one was certain that to be dead was to be a dead one, attacking was almost in this one not a stupid thing but it was in this one stupid being because after all this one was completely a resisting one and dependent independent was the being in this one. This one had dependent and independent being so well balanced in her living that almost attacking and bragging was not stupid being in this one but really it was stupid being in this one in the final meaning of the being in this one because this one really was winning in loving and living and working by resisting being and all the attacking being in this one was hitting to keep away attacking from coming and was not really the natural way of winning fighting as an attacking and so then this one was of this kind of them I am describing but this one was completely and entirely an efficient one. The other one that I have begun describing the one that was the first one of this kind of them that I mentioned in my writing, was always splashing always hitting in every direction, was in a way quite a competent one but really was a timid one, was one not successful in loving, was one that as a poor one would not have been successful as a whole in living, was not successful as this one thought this one inside this one to be a successful one but was to very many knowing this one a very, a strikingly successful one. Really this one was not a successful one in loving and that is interesting.
This one had two kinds of ways of having stupid being, one was as timid being, one was as attacking being. Of the attacking being I have been giving a description. Of the timid being I have given only a very little description. As I was saying this one had it to think that this one was certain that to be dead was not to be at all a dead one. This was a comfort to all the stupid being in this one to all the dependent being in this one. This was a comfort to the stupid being in this one, to the timidity and to the attacking feeling and acting always in this one. Intuition, feeling this one had intuition was stupid being in this one. This one was not at all in many ways a stupid one. This one was a stupid one when between timidity and universal attacking this one had intuition. “Yes I can always tell what any one is, what a man is, what a woman is, what a child is, what a very little child is,” said this one. “I am very certain in my feeling, just listen. Once I met a man, I knew this man was just the kind of a man I knew he was, I was certain when I saw him, every time I saw him I was certain, once he came into this house and I shook hands with him, I was more than ever certain that this man was the kind of a man I had thought him. I don't see him very often, I would never meet him if I could avoid him, I never make a mistake about a person about a man or a woman or about children when I have an intuition.”
This one as I am saying had stupid being from a timid feeling, completely a timid feeling, from being quite the dependent kind of the dependent independent kind of them and from the attacking acting, attacking living that was always to this one and to every one all the living in this one. This one liked the feeling of being certain that to be dead was not to be at all a dead one, this was very satisfying to the timid feeling and the attacking being in this one, this was stupid being in this one, this one was not wise in loving or in religion, this one was quite efficient in every day living, this one to very many was quite a successful one, to very many a brilliantly successful one. This is all I will be writing now about this one, this is not enough really about this one, I ought to be writing very much more about this kind of them, all I think about this kind of them is inside me quite sure, quite certain, I do not yet think all that can be thought or felt about this kind of them, I do think and feel more about this kind of them than I have just written. I have not just now a very patient feeling about writing about this kind of them. I want to be having soon a completely patient feeling in writing the description of all resisting being, of all resisting engulfing being, in writing the history of Alfred Hersland. I will now
write one more description and will so be ending just now the considerable number of resisting ones I have been describing. I will then go on to a little generalising and then to patiently feeling in me the history of Alfred Hersland and all resisting engulfing being.
When I have not been right there must be something wrong. Every one says to me I am always certain I am right about everything and I must be certain of that thing because otherwise there is something wrong and that is a wearying, wearing thing and then I must be beginning learning everything.
I have been very glad to have been wrong. It is sometimes a very hard thing to win myself to having been wrong about something. I do a great deal of suffering.
I have been glad to have been wrong and I have felt certain that this was making me a really joyous wise one. I have been very sad to have to bring myself to be certain that I have been wrong about something. This is now a little more history of me and the kind of suffering I can have in me. This is a little a description of the suffering I do have in me.
When I have not been right there must be something wrong. That is what I say to myself inside me. That is what some one sometimes says to me. This has been said to me. This I do say to myself inside me. When I have not been right there must be something wrong.
The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress Page 86
