If there’s still a place in this world for hope, then I’m going to do everything I can to let it grow. Sun Yi-lai has a mother, and if there’s a chance the woman in that room is her, I’m not going to keep them apart a moment longer.
CHAPTER 68 June
MY WORLD IS A CIRCLE, with light above and dark underneath. Right now there’s even food and a roof over my head, and a long hallway to sit in while I eavesdrop on Sole yelling at Luokai in the next room. He’s pretty good at not wasting words when he wants to be.
Sev comes up the hall, Lihua skipping along at her side, the little girl’s eyes widening at the loud voices. Sev’s own eyes narrow, though. “You are just going to sit here and listen?”
I nod.
Lihua breaks from Sev to curl in at my side, the two of us pressed together like flowers on the same stalk. My gore seems to have shrunk back down so much that I barely notice him now. It’s easy to ignore his grumbling when I have food in my mouth, warm clothes on my back, and my family here to remind me that I’m wanted. Now that I’ve let go of Dad, I can remember what life was like before he got so sick.
My wind, though. She’s gone entirely. Maybe now that I’ve got my new family back, she knows I’m going to be okay. I look up when Sev mentions something about the settlements, the farms—where that stupid medic probably took my mother.
He’s been smart enough to stay away from me.
“Tai-ige started a volunteer system that allows people to work on the farms in exchange for an earlier dose of the cure. I guess they’re talking about splitting up the land and letting people own smaller portions so they can trade crops for…” Sev stops when she sees me thinking. “Your mother was on the farms, right?”
I tense a little. I’m not dumb the way Sev is, so full of hope that there’s no room left for sense. I know the chances of Mom still being alive out there smaller than the grains of sand still matted into my hair. But still… my wind had to go somewhere. Maybe if she felt like I was safe enough for her to leave, it means she went back to where she belonged. Back to Mom.
I stand up and brush myself off, holding my bowl close. Sole’s shouting has stopped, and now Luokai is talking, his voice low. For a while I was worried that girl would cut him to pieces. She knows a lot about needles and knives and stuff. But he seems safe enough now that I feel okay leaving him to explain himself. “Where’s the medic?” I ask.
“Xuan?” Sev gets up, helping Lihua to follow. She doesn’t ask any more questions, leading me and Lihua down the halls until we get to the hospital wing, one bed full of the Chairman’s real son, the one who isn’t Howl, and the other unlucky enough to be holding up the medic. Xuan. His eyes widen a bit when I boost myself up onto the foot of his bed, his mouth clamping shut, which I happen to know is a first for him.
“You are going to take me to wherever they took my mother.”
The medic puts down his half-eaten bun on a tray, keeping his eyes focused on it. He’d rather I disappear, as if all the bad stuff he’s ever done in his life will disappear with me. But I’m done with disappearing. With hanging back and pretending. I’m done hiding.
Sev slides in next to me, her arm wrapping around me. I don’t need her exactly, but it’s nice that she’s here. Xuan finally looks up, his eyebrows crunched together above his eyes. “I don’t know how much hope there is, June.”
“You’re going to help me find out where she is. Even if she’s dead.” I look him in the eye, and it feels like power. “I deserve to know.”
Xuan leans back an inch, but he doesn’t break eye contact. “Yes, you do.”
CHAPTER 69 Sev
I SIT DOWN IN THE cafeteria, staring at the food in front of me, wondering if I can eat it. It smells good, which is better than when we first got back here. All I could smell was chemicals, blood, and that awful aftertaste of gunfire in my mouth. Now the eggs just smell like eggs. I spin the green apple around once, smiling as I remember the first time I saw Howl take a bite of raw apple and pretend to be poisoned by it.
But then I swallow that thought down, wishing I could see for myself that he’s not dying now.
Sole and June sit next to me at the cafeteria table, June eyeing my full plate with interest. “Get your own.” I scowl, pulling it closer. “All the food in the kitchen and you want mine?”
June smiles, grabbing the apple and taking a bite.
“You actually going to eat?” Kasim plops down next to me.
I pick up my plate, awkwardly sliding out from the bench with my hands full. The food might smell like food again, but I’m not in the mood for people right now. Not even ones that I like. “I have to go check on something.”
“Contrary to popular belief, staring at someone’s door won’t heal them any quicker.” He gives me a rakish smile. “And you know how cocky Howl is already. Don’t make it worse.” He links his free arm through mine. “You are going to eat, and then you are going to come help me.”
Every time I end up sitting on the floor outside Howl’s door, Kasim seems to find me, dragging me on excursions into the Mountain or Outside. He doesn’t say much, the boyish smile that pulls at his cheeks almost seeming pasted on. It’s still hard to look at him without seeing Xuan’s blood on his hands. But the longer I spend with him, the more that image fades.
Xuan is out of bed now, preparing to be the official medic on Tai-ge and Helix’s tour of the farms, and then to accompany them to the island for their first official visit. It was a good excuse to get him and June on the helis without a fuss. Sole says he’s been helping with the wounded coming in from Outside. And that his girlfriend hasn’t appeared yet, but Xuan still looks for her every time we bring in someone new.
Biting my lip, I unhook my arm and grab the apple from Kasim’s plate. “If you want a buddy for your excursions, you’ll have to catch me first.” He protests as I walk away, but I ignore him.
“You’re not even supposed to know where Howl is!” Sole calls after me, but she laughs as she’s saying it. “Leave him alone!”
Her laugh makes me smile. It’s real.
My fingers grip hard on the plate as I walk toward his stretch of hallway. It’s not like I can bother him anyway. His door is still firmly closed and locked to everyone but Sole. I tell myself no one is allowed in because Sole wants to make sure no Menghu or City-folk try to take revenge on him for old grievances. I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s easier than letting myself think too hard about the fact that he asked Sole to bar me from his room.
When I think about that, I only remember him yelling at me to go. Angry when I showed up in the City Center, gun limp in my hand.
After all the promises I made to myself, I’m still processing the things that have happened, like the feel of the gun in my hand as I stood over Dr. Yang, my finger on the trigger. I might not have been the one to kill him, but I tried. I meant to be the one to do it. And it wasn’t the wrong choice.
I’m different. I’m not sure how I’ve changed or who I am anymore, and it’s scary to think that I don’t know where I fit. I thought I fit next to Howl, at least, but that doesn’t mean much if he doesn’t agree.
When I get to his door, I sit against the wall across from it, my feet out in front of me and my plate balanced on my lap. Fresh fruit. Eggs. Rice. It tastes good, as if the cooks took their time, not worried who would see the flames through the trees or if the smell of cooking food would attract predators.
“Sev?”
I look up, and my heart gives a surprised flail. Tai-ge’s standing there, Mei a step behind him.
“I… didn’t know… you were here.” I look back down at my plate, wondering who held back that particular bit of information. If I’d known Hong Tai-ge was walking the halls, I would have found a less obvious place to be. Too much has happened between us to ever be fixed, and yet he was the one who organized the revolt against General Hong. It’s too messy for me to want to deal with.
“I figured you’d have better things to do if I trie
d to set up a meeting with you.” He shifts from foot to foot, his jaw clenching. Nervous.
“I probably would have.”
“I heard you sit here a lot, so…” He glances at Mei, who rolls her eyes and makes a shooing motion with her hand. Tai-ge bends his knees, coming down to my level. “I just… I wanted to say that I’m sorry. You were right. I was wrong. I didn’t listen when I should have.” He bites his lip. “It’s something I’ve realized I need to work on.”
“You’re… sorry?” I blink, not sure how the words can cover everything Tai-ge did to me to reach this point. There’s just too much. More than I ever want to think about, and so nodding seems like the only thing to do. “I guess you came through in the end. After shooting Howl. Twice.”
Tai-ge licks his lips. “I didn’t know what else to do. Our soldiers were coming. Mother would have shot me if I hadn’t done it, and she wouldn’t have chosen a place I’d recover from. I needed to be alive for it to work.”
Unfortunately, I don’t have to stretch my imagination far to think his mother would have been capable of shooting her own son, given the situation. She and his father had thrown him in prison before when they thought he was infected, the embarrassment of a sick son much more important in their estimation than Tai-ge was.
“I’m sorry,” he says. I know it isn’t enough to say it, but I mean it just the same.”
I shake my head. “It’s not enough. Maybe it never will be.” Take a deep breath. “But thanks for saying it.”
Watching him walk away isn’t hard, but it feels odd. There are so many years of love between us, but it’s strangely easy to let him go. I am who I am, Tai-ge is who he is, and I don’t believe that we’ll ever truly see eye-to-eye. But I appreciate that he’s finally realized the world as something other than a Red fantasy land. I’ll be watching him and Helix both. We all will.
But I have more hope than doubt, and that is a good enough start.
Mei is such an unlikely shadow to the former Red General’s son, but the two of them seem to match their steps, and I smile a little as he ducks his head to tell her something. Mei’s wrist is naked of bones, and she doesn’t seem to miss them.
Maybe the world is bigger for everyone now, not just for me.
Once they’ve turned the corner, I go back to my staring contest with the door, as if I can make it open through sheer force of will, and that I’ll find Howl alive and well inside, a smile catching his lips when he sees me.
But it doesn’t open. The hallway stays cold and silent as a morgue.
CHAPTER 70 Howl
SOLE CONCENTRATES AS SHE PEELS the last of the bandages away from my shoulder, inspecting the healing skin underneath. She ties up all of her things and walks toward the door, not bothering to speak.
We haven’t spoken much. Just updates on what’s happening outside my room. She seems calmer now than when I first woke up in this room. Every day her brow is a little less furrowed, as if me getting better makes more of a difference to her than I expected it would.
I look up when the doorknob turns, every inch of me going on alert. “I thought no one was allowed in here.”
Sole goes to the door and then steps back to let someone through. A little blond someone with green glass eyes. I smile, not sure where to put my thoughts or emotions. I’m so glad to see June, but at the same time, I don’t want anyone else I care about anywhere near me. All I seem to do is hurt the people I love.
How many times did I almost kill Sev? She came after me when she should have stayed safe. And now here I am, a monster in a new world where there isn’t a place for monsters anymore.
June walks to the bed and hops up next to me without asking, leaning against me.
“You shouldn’t be in here,” I rasp, because what I really, really want is for her to be here.
She looks up at me, her eyes wide. “Shut up, Howl. Stop hiding.”
Sole snorts, tamping down a laugh.
“I’m not hiding.” I look at the door. “There are real people out there trying to build a better world. One I don’t fit in anymore.”
“You’re my family.” June’s tousled curls are bright against my shoulder. “You’re mine and Sev’s. You don’t get to say no.”
“I’m not yours. I’m not anyone’s. I’ve been on my own side my whole life, June, and people aren’t going to understand that. They didn’t before.” When I close my eyes, I keep seeing Song Jie’s helicopter diving through the night in a burst of flames. He was made for revenge. He was just like me, ready to take everything from those who stole from him.
And now he’s dead.
I don’t want that to be me. But it is, no matter how much I try to change. I never wanted to kill or hurt people. To spy, steal. Lie. But those things are what kept me alive, and no matter how much I want to change, I keep falling back on my old bad habits whenever life gets tough.
I’m not safe. I never was. I make the wrong choices again and again. I am broken.
“Hey.” June pokes my chest, and I flinch, pain still a constant companion. “I got SS for you.”
“Exactly. You got hurt because of me. Sev got hurt because of me. That’s not family, or if it is, it’s one you shouldn’t want to be part of.”
June just stares at me, unblinking. “Sev knew she would probably die.”
My chest stills. Sev knew she would probably die and came after me anyway. Even after I begged her not to. I suppose things worked out this time. But what about next time, and the time after that?
June pulls my collar until I have to look at her again. “You don’t get to take responsibility for the things Sev or I did to protect you. So stop being such a gore hole and let her see you.”
Sole shifts by the door, her arms too tight around her medical bag. “Luokai was saying that choices are for us to make and others to forgive. That we can’t control who forgives or who hurts us.” She holds out a hand, as if she wants me out of the bed once and for all. “You and I know what it means to be afraid. For our lives, for our sanity. Our souls, if people have those.” She looks down, concentrating on the hand extended toward me. “I used to think I was brave, facing down every day, but I realized I’ve been hiding this whole time, first behind a gun and then inside my lab. Controlling what happens next by deciding to be alone.”
She looks up. “I said things I shouldn’t have. I was scared that everything I said about you was true about me. That I wasn’t a person worth saving.” Sole slides over to the bed. “I don’t think either of us can take back the things we’ve done, but we are in control of what comes next. And I don’t want you to believe that you have to leave to keep the rest of us safe.” Her voice is quiet. “We can still do good.”
Tears blur my vision. “Not enough.”
“Probably not. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you here. Why do you think I wasted so many bandages on you? I love you, Howl. And you already have changed. You aren’t who you used to be any more than I am.”
June curls closer to me, wrapping her arms around my rib cage. “I don’t care what you deserve. We want you. Isn’t that enough?”
Sole smiles a little. “It’s not just about us anymore.” She looks me up and down. “There are people out there waiting for us.” She points to the door.
“That’s what I’m afraid of. I’m not what she—”
Sole rolls her eyes. “Your existence is not validated by one person’s opinion, Howl. If she doesn’t get it, that doesn’t erase you. Why don’t you go ask her what she wants instead of sitting in here deciding for her?” She turns toward the door. “That’s what Luokai did. Sat at the island alone, waiting to die. Believing—even after the SS restrictions lifted here at the Mountain—if he couldn’t come back without SS, then no one would want him.” Glancing over her shoulder, I see a glint of tear in Sole’s eye. “When in reality, it would have made a world of difference for both of us to have him here.”
I close my eyes, thinking of how I used to long to find my brother, ho
w differently my life might have turned out if we’d been together.
June squeezes my hand and hops up from the bed. “You owe us.” Then she skips out of the room.
And I can’t deny that she’s right.
CHAPTER 71 Sev
“ARE YOU READY TO GO in?” I ask.
Sun Yi-lai narrows his eyes at the door as June translates for me, my hand on the knob. Then he nods. Reifa stands close behind, bandages still across parts of her face, her hands gloved. But she moves forward to put a hand on his shoulder.
“Alone?” I ask. “Or do you want us with you?”
“I’ll go in alone,” June translates his whisper, as if being Asleep for so many years stripped him down to a ghostly presence, half of him still slumbering inside his head. “But stay close?”
Reifa nods, stepping back as I open the door to the line of cells, stifling a smile as General Hong’s spluttering snore comes rushing out from behind one of the closed doors. Yi-lai smiles at Reifa, the two of them sharing something between them, as if I can see her propping him up, though she’s the one who sags. He turns to stare down the hallway, the key to his father’s cell in his hand, before glancing at me. His forehead puckers. “You aren’t going to leave without me, are you? You’ll take me with you back to Port North?” June translates.
“We’ll hold the heli as long as you need.” Tai-ge requested that I accompany the leaders touring the farms and visiting the island with Luokai. We are short on bridges, and if I can be one, I’m willing.
But there’s still time for one visit. “I won’t leave without you or Reifa.” I look down the hallway. “The Chairman loves you, you know,” I say. “But you don’t have to say good-bye to him. You don’t owe him anything.”
“He’s a bad person.” Yi-lai looks at his feet as June interprets. His mannerisms and way of speaking are so childlike that it’s hard to persuade myself he’s supposed to be older than me.
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