And I would have laughed at his I’m-Too-Sexy-For-My-Own-Good eyebrow cocking demeanor if it hadn’t been for the fact that I felt like shit about my grandmother’s assessment of my actions.
My grandmother’s hand flew up in Lucas’ face. “I only have eyes for my Dwight, young man.” She flipped her head to the side. Brown, slimy spit flew from her narrow, pink lips. My grandmother then looked back at him, gave him a once over, and said, “Ah, what the hell? Like they say, the older the berry, the sweeter the juice!”
Lucas’ eyes grew the size of saucers when the greasy mess hit the dirt and my grandmother’s hands flew up, resuming their assault on his chest.
“Nana!” I yelped, and shook my head. Didn’t any of them have a clue as to why I split the first moment I could? If they didn’t, perhaps they should have assessed their own actions, maybe then they would have figured it out.
I was startled out of my familial chaos when a horn blared in the driveway. A long, mustard yellow station wagon idled near Willard’s old beater. The Mustard Machine looked like an overpopulated tuna can with several gray haired ladies smooshed together.
A cloud of thick smoke billowed out of the passenger side window as an older woman, sporting the biggest gray bouffant in creation, popped her head out and called out to my grandmother. “You ready, Ethel? Them boys from the Legion are gonna be there tonight! And Old Man Russell got his new pacemaker put in! He’s good to go!”
“And that right there, young man, is why I chew this stuff,” my grandmother said pointing to the smoke bomb as she hurled out another big slime ball from between her lips. She shoved her spittoon underneath her arm, adjusted her huge straw hat, and headed off to the big mustard machine.
“Get your crap together, Lanie, or I’m gettin’ a switch when I get back from Bingo!”
“Dude.” I about jumped out of my skin when Lucas’ voice rang out close to my ear. “Your family is fucking awesome!”
Awesome?
“C’mon, ya two,” my father called to us. “Let’s get ya settled in.”
I let Lucas’ words sink in as I looked at the people around me. Awesome would not be the first word I would have chosen to describe them all. Quirky, simple, but awesome? Yeah, awesomely wacky.
We all began making our way to the house. About halfway there, I glanced over at Lucas and noticed a strangled expression on his face. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on with him. He looked somewhere between pained and tortured, when just a few minutes earlier he was all smiles and laughter. “You okay?”
Sweat had begun to pellet his forehead and his skin looked gray. I moved closer to him and tugged on his hand, waiting for him to respond. I mentally went over what we had to eat today. Nothing fabulous. Each of us had the same bland airplane food that everyone else had and none of them seem to have gotten sick from it. I tugged on his hand again. When he didn’t answer, I leaned in closer.
“What the hell’s wrong? Are you sick?”
His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed thickly, his breaths coming out in short spurts. He leaned down closer to my ear. “I have to take a crap the size of this wonderful state of Texas, and if I don’t get to the bathroom soon, I may just bust out a buffalo right here in front of your parents. But…I can’t…move. Have you ever seen a turtle when it pokes its head out of its shell?” He looked behind him, his eyes trailing to his butt. “That’s me right about now, and I think it was the tuna sandwich I snuck on the plane.”
What the hell? He did not just say that he snuck a tuna sandwich of all things onto the damn plane. That thing was probably rancid after two hours of us waiting in the terminal. And where in the hell did he have it? My mouth opened and closed several times.
Before I could get a word in, Willard came to the rescue. “I’ll take him to the shitter!” With that, I watched my make-believe boyfriend waddle his tight cheeked ass behind my brother.
As my father put his arm around my shoulder, I realized that my mouth still resembled that of a fish, opening and closing. “Baby girl, are ya sure that boy ain’t missing a few screws?”
I chuckled and leaned my head against my father as he led us toward the house. “I don’t know, Dad. I just don’t know.”
He pulled me further into his side. “Thought ya were gonna be here yesterday, baby girl?”
“Me too but work called. But I’m here now.”
“I know, sweetheart,” he said, placing a kiss on the top of my head. “Oh, a bunch of boxes showed up for ya earlier today. Weddin’ stuff?”
“Yeah. I had my assistant ship everything.”
My dad chuckled, shaking his head. “I don’t know about you, Lanie girl, but I have a feelin’ this wedding is gonna be sumthin’ else. And in my backyard? I must be a crazy old man.”
I hid my solemn expression from him. My parents were getting older. Five years away had proved it.
“I love you, Daddy.”
“Oh, I love ya too, baby girl.”
Chapter 8
~Lucas~
I had no idea what I did to deserve this shit. It was a fucking tuna sandwich, for crying out loud!
“I don’t think I can walk any further. Seriously. I think I need a tree.” The last thing I would’ve ever saw myself doing was squatting near a tree. Even as a child when my family would go camping, we’d always end up at a spot where there were restrooms. “Nope. Can’t make it.”
“Chill out, Hoss, we’re almost there.”
There was nothing ahead of us but a stall. It sure as hell didn’t look like a fucking restroom.
“There, where?” I said, voice strained.
I heard Willard chuckle and I seriously wanted to strangle the beefy fucker within an inch of his life.
“Welcome to Willard’s Crapper!”
My eyes flew open as wide as they could go. Was he fucking serious? I stood in front of the wood box and cringed when I got a whiff of the foulest odor I’d ever smelled.
“It’s an outhouse, Hoss. My outhouse, so treat her nice.” Willard’s face lit up when he spoke of the thing as an actual person. He was no doubt proud. “I built her myself.”
I looked at the box and then back at Willard. “You want me to go in that? In that smelly thing? Are you fucking insane? What’s wrong with the one inside the house?”
“Broken,” he said, a half grin pulling at the side of his mouth. “Don’t flush.”
Sweat doubled on my forehead as I stood and regarded Willard’s crappy outhouse. But when my stomach gurgled as though it was in agony, I made the executive decision to trust the large oaf. Trying not to move too much, I reached for the slender handle and pulled it open.
As soon as I did, I regretted it.
“Holy shit!”
“That about sums it up.” Willard smiled at me and lifted his brows. He waved his hand toward the outhouse. “To shit or be shitted on. That is the question.”
I swore that I was going to knock that smirk right off of the idiot’s face. But first, I needed to go.
Holding my breath, I slipped through the door and closed it behind me. I tried not to look around at my surroundings but it was like a bad train wreck. You know you shouldn’t look, but you do.
I looked around. The place was surprisingly clean, considering what it was and where it was located. I almost face palmed myself when I searched around for toilet seat covers. Finally, realizing that it was now or never and that I couldn’t hold it any longer, I sat down and handled my business. I was only in there for half a second when I heard the other side of the door lock.
What the fuck?
“Hello? Dude, you out there? Hello?” I started to panic, sitting there on the wooden throne. “Dude!”
“You and me need to do some talkin’, Hoss.”
Oh, fuck.
“Well, whatever you need to talk to me about I think can wait, don’t you?” Could this guy be any more of a dip shit? “Besides, I kind of doubt that we have much to discuss.”
“My
sister, Hoss.” Fuck. “I know that girl didn’t have a boyfriend last week when I talked to her, so how did she happen to stumble on to your ass so quick? You one of those perverts that patrols the internet, looking for some poor chick to take advantage of?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I was still on the pot trying to concentrate when Willard continued talking out of his ass.
“Look, Hossy Hoss, you can’t fool me, ‘cause I’m kind of smart. So, let’s have it.”
And this just kept getting better and better. “Did you just say that you’re kinda smart? You know, that isn’t really something that one should ever admit.”
A fist laid into the door, and I momentarily jumped, ass lifting from the toilet seat.
“Do not toy with me, Hoss! If you don’t get to explainin’ what’s going on, I will leave you in this shit box. And if you think it gets any cooler in the evening, you’ve got another thing coming. This place will smell to high Heaven come six o’clock.”
My shoulders slumped forward. I felt absolutely stuck in a corner, defeated to say the least. I promised Lanie when we were boarding the plane that I wouldn’t breathe a word to her family about our little arrangement. But Willard had me. He knew that something was up. If he actually had talked to Lanie last week, he probably knew that she really didn’t have a boyfriend, and there was going to be no way of lying to the overgrown ass hat.
“I’m not really her boyfriend. We’re roommates.” I sighed. “We’ve been roommates for the past year.”
A loud grumble came from behind the door and I wondered what in the hell Willard must be thinking. He was probably pissed. No, he was probably really pissed that he was lied to by his sister, and me. My stomach gave another loud rumble. I wasn’t anywhere near done with my business.
Something hit the outhouse door with force.
“I knew it!” Again my ass came up off the toilet seat. I was convinced that the dude was trying to give me a heart attack on the crapper. “I knew she was lying! But why?”
“Your cousin, Jasmine, apparently heard from your mom that Lanie was dating someone and she told her to bring her boyfriend to the wedding. It seems Jasmine has a really big boner for seeing Lanie look like a jackass.” I heard what sounded like gagging coming from the other side of the door. I almost felt bad for Willard because the place smelled like a sewer. “Hey, you alright?”
More gagging ensued.
“You got any freshener in this joint?
“It ain’t you, Hoss. Well, it kinda is. But why in the hell did you have to describe that bitch having a dick? I already hate that broad and just thinking of her with a boner.” And the gagging continued. “You just insulted the entire male population.”
“Yeah, well I haven’t met the infamous Jasmine yet, but I’m assuming it’s not going to be a bucket full of unicorns and rainbows.”
“The bitch is evil to the core. I don’t even think her mama can smack the ugly outta that one.”
I was beginning to think that Jasmine was going to be force to be reckoned with. I just hoped that Lanie was going to be able to deal with the drama.
“Hey, you got toilet paper up in here? I think I’m good now.” I heard nothing from the other side of the door. “Yo! Willard? You out there, man?”
“How bad do ya want that ass wipe, Hoss?”
Seriously?
“I’ll make you a deal. I need help with something. You tell me that you’re gonna help me, and I’ll give up the ass wipe. Deal?”
I shook my head. “C’mon, man! That isn’t cool, just so you know. I really need to get the hell out of this thing.” I felt my palms beginning to sweat as I searched for something to finish my business—and found nothing. “Dude, don’t be a dick. I’d really like to get out of here.”
“Like I said, Hoss, you scratch my back, I scratch yours. You want me to keep your little secret from Jasmine, then I suggest ya agree.”
First of all, I had absolutely no fucking desire to scratch the idiot’s back. And second, if he told Jasmine the truth about Lanie and me, I was pretty damn sure that she would rip Lanie up one side and down the other. I couldn’t see that happen even if it was considered blackmail.
“What do ya say, Hoss?”
“Dude, why are you doing this to me? This is some shit you do to one of your friends, not someone you just met.”
Willard chuckled lowly from the other side of the door. “No, Hoss, this is what ya do when you got someone’s nuts in a vice. And you, city slicker, have got your nuts good and gripped.”
“This is bullshit, man!” I felt like a jackass, sitting there on the Throne of Shitty Shame, contemplating the baboon’s demand. But I caved. I really didn’t see any alternative. “But fine, I’ll help you. Now where’s the fucking toilet paper?”
“Look down to your left. Put your hand in that little hole.”
Sure enough there it was, plain as day. I swooped up the white roll and handled my business. And when I walked out, Willard was leaning up against a tree, grinning from ear to ear. I swear, if I hadn’t known that he could probably kill me with just one finger, I would have knocked that smirk right off of his ugly face.
“Feel better, Hoss?”
“Oh, yeah! Now I do believe my ass crack is chaffing!”
Willard waved his large hand, dismissing my comment. “Your ass’ll be fine. Now, you and me need to talk revenge of the cousinly type.”
Oh, hell.
Chapter 9
~Lanie~
My bedroom hadn’t changed much. The posters of horses and wild flowers I had hung up on the walls as a young girl were still there. The pink and white lace curtains my mother had sewn for me still adorned the windows. And the old doll I thought I had boxed up and taken to the local thrift store was lying snug up against the pillow on my bed.
“Wow, Lanie, you sure did go all country with this bedroom.”
I choked back a few tears and quickly wiped under my eyes before turning around to face Lucas. “I didn’t know you were here.”
“Yeah, you’re brother decided that the outhouse was—hey, what’s wrong?”
Only everything under the sun! “Nothing. I’m just tired.”
“Right. You’re not a very good liar, Lanie. And if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that your conscience was getting the better of you.”
I literally took a step away from him, my chest heaving. It was an accusation. There was no doubt about it. And the fact that I did feel guilty didn’t make hearing that any easier.
Lucas had never judged me. Never. So to hear him doing so now, about something so delicate in my book, without having the full reasons?
“How dare you assume to know anything about my conscience or even how I feel right about now? You. Know. Shit!” I was so angry that I actually sneered at him as he came closer.
“This,” he said, waving his arms around him. “All of this, Lanie. I would give anything to have this. And you...you just take it for granted.”
Had he not been witness to the Comedy Hour earlier in the front yard? Did he not see the stupid shit my family did? And that was normal for them!
“Oh, please, you have the perfect family. Mine, on the other hand? Well they certainly aren’t perfect.”
“You know what?” he said, pointing at me. “You’re a brat. You’re a selfish, whiny little brat. And I hope your grandma beats your butt. I’d pay to see that shit!”
“You know what, Sparky? Why don’t you just go back to LA? Back to your ditzy-assed blondes and your perfect little life! I don’t need you here.” Irrational. I was so mad I wasn’t even making sense anymore.
I bit back my words. I did need him. If I hadn’t needed him, I wouldn’t have agreed to him going there with me. If he left now, I’d probably fall apart. But what I did not need was his cynical ass pointing out all of my faults. Especially this weekend. He was supposed to be on my side.
“I’ll ask Willard to take you back to the airport.”
Eve
n though I didn’t really want him to go, I walked past him and made my way to open the bedroom door, trying to convince myself that I didn’t care. I would just have to get through this weekend on my own and deal with my family and all of their bullshit while flying solo.
Before I was able to get three steps toward the door, I was jerked back and forcibly whipped around. My breath caught in my throat when I realized Lucas was standing mere inches from me. He looked me straight in the eye and held our stare. So close. All the while, our chests rose and fell together, our breaths fast but oddly in sink.
“I’m not going anywhere, Lanie.” He rested his forehead against mine. “I’m in this. All the way.”
The weight of Lucas’ hands on my waist sent a shiver up my spine and back down to my toes. His fingers lightly dug into the delicate skin on my hips, and my nipples hardened painfully. Suddenly.
The way his touch fired up my senses scared the crap out of me and excited me all at the same time. I wanted to run from him—to him. My body betrayed every preconceived notion I’d ever had of our relationship. I was utterly confused about his actions and my body’s desire to surrender to his touch.
“I’m sorry.” It was a whisper that floated from his lips to my ear, and just the sound of his voice alone pressed down on every one of my nerve endings. “Don’t make me go.”
I closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel him.
Going against my better judgment, I leaned into his touch. My hand shook as I slid it up his forearm and up to his cheek. I slowly and cautiously held the side of his face in my palm and waited. When he leaned into it and closed his eyes, my apprehension wavered. I closed my eyes and breathed in his cologne, woodsy and fresh; all man. My other hand followed suit until it reached the other side of his face.
“More.”
That one word was loaded with promise, want and desire, and it scared me. I had never thought of Lucas as more than just my friend and now it seemed as though the rules had changed. The pull he had on me was absolute…intense beyond words.
Just A Step Away (Closer) Page 5
