by Cindi Jones
“Well Cindi, what else are you going today if you don’t go? Just mope around in your depression, listen to old records, and get all melancholy on me?”
“Damn it, will you never leave me alone Squirrel?”
“No, never.” “Somehow I knew that would be the answer.”
“Okay Cindi, think of this. They have told you that your sin is second only to murder. What’s that compared to going to another Church’s service? It’s not like you have never done that before in your life”
“That sort of makes sense doesn’t it?”
“Of course it does.”
Squirrel was sometimes right, but more often than not, wrong where sin was concerned. But it had a point. I wasn’t welcome in my church. Oh I was welcome as David. But David was almost gone. There was only an hour left before the service started. “Okay, we are going to go.”
“What have you to lose?” queried the Squirrel.
“Wait a minute! Squirrel are you a he or a she Squirrel?”
“Cindi, I am and always have been a female Squirrel. We are one and the same.”
“Of course we are. Why am I talking to myself? This is totally absurd,” I thought.
“Perhaps it is. But have I ever led you astray?” she queried.
“Just about every damned day of my life” I answered.
“No I haven’t,” she said firmly.
I decided that arguing with myself was pointless. I would miss the meeting. Without additional thought, I prepared myself to attend Church. My own hair was long but not cut in a feminine way yet. “The wig” was the only hair I had. It was a bit punky in a Pat Benetar sort of way, but still looked nice. I looked in the mirror. “Sure, it can look very nice if I just do this and that… a little hairspray.” And it did look very nice. I donned a very nice linen suit with pastel colors. I wore a white blouse, a simple string of pearls, and simple matching shoes. I stared in the mirror for a few minutes. And then I left.
I found the chapel and a parking spot. I parked my car and grabbed my bag.
“When will you call that thing a purse?” asked Squirrel.
“Probably never, I like the word bag.”
“Okay, okay, bag is fine.”
I quickly passed through the doors. I wanted to slip in the back and sit down without being noticed. And for the most part, I did. There were a few families there and many single people. I could see a fellow up near the pulpit dressed in clergy drag. Yes, that’s what I call it. I’ve called it that for longer than I know. It was my personal way of showing that people can dress in many ways. And who’s to say what is right and who is wrong?
It was clear that he was the leader of the congregation, perhaps a priest or pastor? I did not know the proper term. A few people turned to look at me when I slipped in, but not many. I had slipped in right before services started. The piano prelude ended. “Well at least that part is the same,” I considered. The leader rose from his seat and took his place at the pulpit. He started to make a few announcements. They were trying to raise funds to purchase a new chapel. “So many things are universal,” I grinned to myself.
I noticed the family next to me had a program that they were reviewing. The father noticed my interest. Clearly seeing that I was new, he passed me the program. The church leader’s name was Pastor Bruce Johnson. Well at least I now knew how to address him.
After the announcements were finished we sang a hymn as a congregation. “Crap!” I thought to myself. “I can’t sing here.”
“But Cindi, you can sing the alto part,” Squirrel said.
“Yes I can,” I replied to myself quietly. So I sang the alto part, lightly so as no one would notice the real strain from the tenor voice. Okay... I was really a baritone. But I could sing tenor and could reach the alto parts when singing softly. I enjoyed the hymn. It was one I had never heard before. “Our God is like an Eagle”.
Pastor Johnson rose again to present his talk... “Okay,” I said to myself, “lets’ get rid of the LDS lingo. This is his sermon, it is not a talk.” And his sermon was just what I needed to hear.
He read from Luke10:25 through 37. The story speaks of a lawyer attempting to catch Jesus in a trick by asking “what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” The trick was to have him answer with one of the written commandments. The lawyer then might denounce Jesus by noting another commandment that might be greater. Jesus answered “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all they heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with thy entire mind; and thy neighbor as thyself.” Jesus then went on to tell the story of the Good Samaritan who helped an unknown soul on the side of the highway to describe just who “thy neighbor” might be.
Pastor Johnson posed the question “Is there any greater commandment than to love God and to love your neighbor?”
“No,” he answered passionately.
He went on “Jesus taught us that we must unconditionally love and accept everyone. Jesus loved the sinners just as he loved the righteous. Our love and charity must extend to all. And this does not mean to those only in this congregation. It must extend to everyone.”
“You’ve read these passages Cindi.”
“Yes I have,” I answered Squirrel, “You knew then as you now know. This is truth.”
“Yes it is.”
“Well then Cindi, what would happen if you were to walk into an LDS service today?”
“Probably nothing because I wouldn’t tell them anything.”
“And if you were to tell them?”
“They would probably ask me not to return.”
“There you go. Introduce yourself after the meeting. Let’s see what happens.”
And I did. After the meeting, everyone moved into the adjoining reception hall for punch and cookies.
“Hey, they never had cookies after sacrament service at home!”
“Look Squirrel, you are going to shut up while I introduce myself, Okay?” I stopped by the table of cookies. There was a bottle for donations. I knew that I had two dollars and 93 cents in my wallet. And I had only 7 eggs back at the apartment. And that was all I had for the next 7 days. “Well, I can have one egg each day. I have enough gas for the week. I’m good.” I opened my wallet and put a dollar in the jar. I filled a cup with punch and took three cookies. I secretly put two cookies in my bag and nibbled slowly on the one left in my hand. I would only eat half and save the rest for later.
A woman stepped up to me and extended her hand. “Hello. My name is Sandy.”
“My name is Cindi,” I replied.
“Is this your first time here?”
“Yes.”
“Welcome then, it is a pleasure to meet you.”
“I observed that there are a lot of single people here,” I noted. Sandy smiled wryly. “Cindi, did you know that this was a gay and lesbian church?”
“No,” I replied. “But didn’t I see families here?”
“Yes Cindi, all are welcome here.”
“Well, that is what I had heard from someone recently,” I mumbled. “Cindi, Bruce gave that same sermon just two weeks ago,” she smiled. “I think that he gave it today for your benefit.”
“No kidding?” I asked. “I think so,” Sandy answered.
I glanced around the room. I noticed one or two men that were somewhat effeminate and I did quickly see a few women that were butch looking. But other than that, most looked pretty normal to me. I had been exposed to gay people in my travels but these people seemed subdued and down right normal.
“Quite honestly Sandy, this is new for me.” I said.
“Well Cindi, why did you come to our church today?” she asked in a very friendly way. I felt absolutely no animosity from her at all.
“You are going to love this. I am a transsexual and I’m looking for a place where I can worship.”
“Okay, that’s nice,” she went on “Are you going to be a man? I’ve never met a transsexual before,” she said.
“No Sandy, I’m going to be a
woman.” She then took a step back and turned to her friend and said “She’s going to be a woman. Humph. Look here Cindi; I think that you are already there dear.”
“Believe me,” I said “this is very difficult. The first thing I’ve told you about myself is that I’m transsexual. I’ve never been able to tell anyone that before. And I’ve just met you.”
“Cindi” she started, radiating a saintly glow “Didn’t you listen to Bruce’s sermon?
“Yes I did. And with great interest.”
“Cindi, contrary to other experiences you may have had, we truly try to love everyone here,” she went on “Oh look, here comes Bruce.”
Bruce threaded his way directly through the mass of people and came straight away to me. He was gunning for me. I could tell. “Hello, I am Pastor Bruce, but you can call me Bruce. Everyone else does. So tell me dear. What brings you to MCC today?” he asked as he extended his hand.
*****
Several weeks later I would learn that Bruce had spotted me just as soon as I came into the chapel. He thought that I was either a woman from the leadership of the LDS Relief Society to raise some hell or that I was a reporter that was about to publish some article to the same end.
“Honest Cindi, you looked too nice to be one of our congregation, I just knew that I was going to have trouble with you sitting down there in our chapel. I had prepared another sermon, but the Good Samaritan seemed more appropriate,” he concluded.
“Let me tell you Bruce, you knocked it out of the ball park. I really needed a confidence boost. I took your speech in a whole different way than you had probably intended,” I explained.
At the same time he revealed to me his remembered thoughts of the occasion, I related to him mine… about the “clergy drag.” He laughed heartily and used the phrase probably every day after that. He thought it very clever for a gay pastor to wear “clergy drag.”
*****
He clasped my hand firmly in a handshake. As I shook his hand, I announced “Pastor Bruce, my name is Cindi Jones.”
“How nice it is to have you join us today. We welcome all in our church,” he said.
I went on “Pastor, Sandy asked me why I am here” and paused while I tried to muster some saliva to my desiccated mouth. “And I am going to tell you what I told her. I am a transsexual” I said.
“Oh, are you going to have surgery to become a man?” “No, I’m going the other way. Pastor Bruce,” I paused again as tears welled in my eyes. “I have nowhere to go.” And I burst into tears.
“Cindi,” he said as he opened his arms wide “Let me be the first to officially welcome you to our little family.” And he gave me a big hug.
200 pounds were lifted from my shoulders. The shackles fell from my wrists and ankles. I instantly felt loved. And I learned later that these sentiments were real. These people would come to protect me and to help me survive. They supported me when no one else would.
I spent the next 30 or 40 minutes being introduced to many women and men. They were all very nice. No one introduced me as Cindi the transsexual. If they were to know, I had to tell them. I did tell them. From the beginning, here was a group of people with whom I felt no fear of rejection or condemnation. I could tell them who I was and they accepted me with no prejudice or malice. Most had met drag queens but never a person with gender dysphoria, I found out later.
As the social part of the service wound down, Pastor Bruce called me over. “Cindi, I hope that you will let me send you home with the leftover cookies. I’m sure you will enjoy them.”
Revelation, part 3
“Ellen, may I talk to you?” I asked her as I entered her office.
“Of course David, what can I do for you?”
Ellen was our Human Resources director.
“Ellen, I would like to look for a position in one of the California facilities.”
“David, I know something is wrong. Do you want to tell me about it?
“Ellen, I’m going through a divorce. It is painful. I will support my family but I am receiving so many pressures from so many sides that I am just not effective here. Do you know what I am saying Ellen? I’m trying to NOT tell you the real problem. I do not want to hurt others.”
I was hoping that Ellen, a non Mormon member might catch on quickly to what I was trying to say… or at least make a false assumption. She did not have to know for certainty my problem. I felt no need to verify rumors. We had known each other some time and had worked in two companies together. We were not close friends but we had run into each other every day for the past five years.
“David, I’m afraid I don’t follow. I know very well that you are having problems of some kind. You have arrived at work troubled for several weeks now. I hate to say it, but there are rumors spreading around,” she offered.
“Rumors of what?” I asked.
“David, they are rumors and I shall not validate them.”
I would later learn that everyone thought that I was gay. Where they got that impression, I shall never know. Perhaps it might be easier to live against a rumor of being gay versus a certainty of being transsexual. I had shown up at work with my face red and swollen for several weeks now, tell tale symptoms of heavy sessions in electrolysis to remove my beard. I just told them that I was having some skin problems related to shaving. It sounded logical to me. My hair had grown longer as well. Long hair was not unusual in the 80’s. If you had, who cared? But David had always been a very clean and well dressed marketing product manager. He was a straight shooter and a “goody goody two shoes.”
Our company was small here when we occupied only one floor in the office building. The company had been purchased by a large computer and instruments company based in Palo Alto. My once company president was now my plant manager in the new organization and he was also an official on the regional leadership of my church. Yes, he was LDS.
“Ellen, I’m facing considerable pressure from my church, I’m sure that they will be excommunicating me. I’m sure that you must realize what that will do to me here in the valley. It will destroy my career. I’ll have to move regardless.”
“Look David, I know that there is substantially more. Do you want to tell me about it? Ellen, please, just let me know what I need to do to look for other positions within the company. She pressed again “David, I really have to know so that I can help place you. If you tell me it will help me substantially.”
Ellen was a woman who I knew would understand. I believed I could trust her. “Ellen, what I’m going to tell you is very personal. Will you promise me that you will hold this information in the strictest of confidence?”
“Why of course, David. We’ve known each other for years.” And that we had.
“Ellen, it seems like I’ve had to tell this to so many people lately. You would think that it would become easier. But it is not. I have been haunted by personal problems for years. I am a transsexual. I need to get away from Utah. I want to protect my children from what is happening to me. I sincerely believe that this is having a severe impact on them. Of course they have no idea what is going on. I have separated and moved into a small apartment nearby. Charlene has sued for divorce. The divorce will be civil. I will support my family.”
“Oh David!" Ellen sighed as she calmed herself. “I truly had no idea what it was that was bothering you. I could not imagine the enormity of it. Of course I have heard of this kind of thing and I know that the company has methods for dealing with it.”
“Ellen, will you please look into a transfer?” I asked.
“David, I’ll see what I can do. I’ll also contact our legal department to see what we can do to help on this end. And I’ll keep it secret.
And for some reason, she revealed my secret to Dennis Baldwin, our plant manager, one of my counsel members of the Mormon Church. She would later relate that there had been a necessary reason to talk to Dennis about it and she now knew that she should have talked to me first. Dennis decided to get involved with me, with the Chu
rch, and with outside counsel from prominent church oriented psychological people. Ellen had warned him to cease and desist. But he felt it important to follow through.
*****
“David, I have called you in here to talk to you about your problem” Dennis said to me. He sat behind his large executive desk. I sat opposite him in an uncomfortable chair.
“Dennis, what I told Ellen was strictly confidential. You have no business knowing this information.”
“No David, I am also a high council member in the Stake where you live.” The stake is the regional authority within the Mormon church.
“I understand Dennis. But here, at work, you are my employer only. If you would like to discuss religious issues, you may invite me to your office at the chapel. But the invitation must not be made here where I work. I feel uncomfortable with this conversation and feel that it is discriminatory.”
And so it would go. The advice would be the same. The admonishments would be the same. The recommended scripture reading would be the same. And, he would also employ the help of a highly recommended psychiatrist. The problem was that he had no rights to intrude into my personal business and I advised Ellen that I felt uncomfortable with this situation. I felt that it had nothing to do with my work. I felt that it was discriminatory against me, against issues that I was resolving on my own. I did not need nor did I want his intervention. I was kind to her but I was clear. I also put it in writing.
“The reason you are taking this path is due to the relationships you have with these self help groups and your psychologist. The longer you remain loyal to them, the more determined you will become to do this sinful thing,” he told me.
“So, Dennis, tell me this if you would. I’ve been headed this direction for the past 6 months with the counseling. I’ve literally gone through torture for 10 to 20 hours a week under the electrolysis needle. That’s why my face is often so swollen. I don’t think that I could convey to anyone just how miserable that experience is. So, if you were to commit yourself for six months of this counseling and could possibly endure the torture of electrolysis, can you really believe that you could be convinced to change your gender… to have your penis surgically removed?” There, I’d said it. I can’t describe what pushed me in this “gender dysphoria”. It was do it or die, in my mind.
