by Cindi Jones
“No,” I answered. “But there have been numerous situations where they have done some very odd things. Dennis was personally involved in my excommunication from the Mormon Church. He has forced me to talk to people from the Church. I have told him that I do not wish to mix my professional life with my personal life on several occasions. And I have followed up with memos. But you know all of this.”
“Thank you Cindi,” he said. “May I call you back in a few minutes?”
“Sure,” I said.
Some twenty minutes passed before he called me back. “Cindi, how much do you want to leave the company?” he asked. I was shocked. “I can get you a month or two worth of salary without any problem. Or, if you like we can take the company to court. You have a very good case. But it may take years and knowing how things are in this state, I’m not confident of the outcome,” he said.
“You know that I don’t care about legal suites. I just want to be left in peace,” I replied.
“Cindi, think about this. Your job is history. They are going to run you out. I can get you out with a little money to give you a fresh start.”
It would be a crapshoot for me, a transsexual, to ever win a case in front of a Mormon judge in Utah. And I knew that I’d get a Mormon judge.
“Do you think that they would go for three months salary?” I asked. “It’s the end of the year. No one anywhere will even consider hiring anyone until mid January,” I said. “How much is this going to cost me to pay your fees?” I asked.
“Cindi, this is a freebie. Let’s just call this my good deed for the day. I’d love to put the screws to this guy Dennis. He’s in hot water, believe me. They already have two other discrimination cases in the courts. We’ve got their corporate legal heads spinning their wheels. Tell me what you want and we’ll get it for you tomorrow,” he said.
“Leonard, I figure that it will take me three months to find a job. I have no desire to sue. Like I’ve always told you, I just want to be treated fairly,” I told him.
“So, three months is what you want?”
“Yes, that should do it.”
“Do you have any vacation time?” I suppose I have a couple of weeks. I’ve only taken a few days since I’ve worked here” I said.
“Okay Cindi, this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to ask for three months plus your unpaid vacation time. And they are going to provide the insurance coverage to keep your kids covered until you find another job okay?”
“Leonard, that sounds fine to me.”
“You should have asked for more money” said Squirrel.
“Never be greedy Squirrel” I responded.
“We are going to be honest from now on” I admonished Squirrel.
“Yeah, sure… we’ll see if that works out,” she responded.
I met Bruce and Sandy at the church. Bruce and his companion were going to dress up as women. I was dressed all in black with black hair and black shoes. I had done my face in very dark colors. I didn’t have a hat but I told them that I was a good witch. They all laughed as they welcomed me with open arms. “What are you going to be Sandy” I asked as I noted she had no costume. In her sort of long drawl she said “Oh, I just figured just for tonight, I’d be a fag hag.” We all hooted. For our novice readers, a fag hag is a woman that spends all of her time with gay men. She wasn’t being cynical, its just that she had found a clever way to say that she was not about to wear a costume.
I told them all that I had something to tell them. I told them what had happened at work.
“You should have asked for more money, honey. You are going to need a lot for your surgeries and living expenses,” Bruce said.
“I don’t need it Bruce. I’ll find a job and earn what I need. That’s all I wanted from them… just enough till I can find work,” I said.
“But Cindi, what if you can’t find a job that quickly?” Sandy queried.
“I’ll be okay Sandy. I can find work,” I replied.
“Does this mean you’ll be leaving us?” Bruce asked with a painful look in his eyes.
“Yes Bruce, I believe it does. I don’t know where I’ll be going, but it sure is going to be anywhere but here,” I answered. A brief pause ensued as everyone collected their thoughts.
“Cindi, will you join us for service on Sunday?” Sandy begged.
“Only if there is punch and cookies!” I smiled back at her.
Sandy and I helped the Bobsy twins get dressed up as women. They looked horrible but they were having great fun. And then we went out to eat at a local restaurant. It was nothing fancy but there were many people there dressed in costume. We had a wonderful time laughing and talking. No one had asked me about my “ordeal” at St Ben’s. They had not an inkling that it turned out to be a very uplifting experience. I figured that I would have the chance to tell them later.
For now, it was a time of laughter. A time to enjoy each other’s company and let loose for a while. Later on in the evening, we left and went to a local bar. It was loud there and we danced till the wee hours of the morning. Sandy and I had our Diet Cokes. I was usually the designated driver for which they were eternally grateful.
I dropped off the Bobsy twins and Sandy and I had a quiet repose to talk briefly. I told her a little about what had happened to me in my rise from the fall. I told her that I would be leaving soon. She gave me a big hug.
“Cindi, I hope you come and visit often,” she said.
“If I come Sandy, I’ll make it a point to see you,” I told her as we parted company for the evening.
I arose and arrived at work early. I was glad that I didn’t drink. I never had a hangover. I was looking forward to how the day would turn out. I had heard that the corporate lawyer had flown in from Palo Alto. I knew that if it came down, it would come down quickly. I had better take advantage of free long distance while I had it.
I had to figure out where I was going to go. I considered the possibilities. I had traveled all over the country. Boston and the bay area were the best for technical jobs. Boston was too far away. And at the moment, I had no one that could lend me their couch in the bay area. Matty had a new girl friend. There were many other big cities to choose from. I had several friends in LA, Phoenix, Seattle, and Portland.
The clear choice was LA. I had visited Trish a few weeks earlier. She had been very adamant about coming to stay if I ever needed a place. I had not spent a lot of time with her face to face. It had been just that one visit. But we had spent a great deal of time online in chat and sending emails back and forth.
I decided to give her a call.
“Trish”, I started, “I’m getting out, I’m breaking free, and I’ll be on the road in a few days. Can I stay at your place for a while until I can find a place of my own?” I asked.
“Cindi,” she said “You can have the couch. You know you are welcome at my home anytime.”
“Trish, you are a sweetheart. I don’t know how this is all going to play out, but I’ll let you know what happens when it happens.”
As soon as I hung up, Amy popped her head in.
“Cindi, Ellen would like to see you in her office if you are available.” Wasn’t it interesting that everyone was calling me David. Amy still called me Cindi. She was such a sweetheart.
I knocked on Ellen’s door.
“Come in,” I heard her say.
I opened the door and passed through. Ellen and the corporate lawyer were in there. Imagine. The shit had hit the fan only the day before. Here he was, the legal representation from Colorado Springs. The company did not want to waste time with this. He stood up to introduce himself.
“Cindi, I’m David Skills.” Wow, the lawyer was calling this dude in dress blues and a red tie Cindi. This was going to be interesting.
“Cindi”, he started, “I had a chat with your lawyer yesterday concerning your employment here with us. I am aware of the problems you have been having and for that I am truly sorry. Your lawyer indicated that you would be interested in a
three month severance package plus your vacation. We will round that up to 4 months salary if that is all right with you,” he said.
“You realize”, I started, “that there has been some very unconventional behavior here, and I’m excluding my antics,” I said. I could see the lawyer getting ready to get legal with me.
“Are you not comfortable with four months salary,” he queried.
“David,” I said to him, “I only want enough to get far away from here. I want a fresh start. I’m willing to get a job and pay my own way. But it is the end of the year. As you know, no one hires at the end of the year. Four months salary is fine. I have always maintained that I only want to be treated fairly.”
“We are sincerely sorry about all that has happened”, said David.
He helped me through the paperwork. He showed me the cobra forms so that I could get my children insured. I signed an agreement stating that I could never again work for the company or sue the company. I should never talk about the settlement, although I couldn’t see how they could ever come after me. I’ve omitted the name of the company in this book for that reason. He showed me the numbers and calculations for my final check. Ellen laid an envelope on the table. “This is your final check Cindi”, she said. I want to personally tell you how sorry I am that I caused all of this.
“Ellen!” I said, “This is not your fault. I know what happened.”
I looked briefly at the check and realized that I could probably get by for 6 months if I had to. I had some stock options come due and sold them off earlier in the week.
The lawyer David smiled. “I have to tell you this Cindi. Dennis told me that after he talked to you the first time. He called in a psychiatrist sympathetic to his religious beliefs. Dennis implemented the advice he received from this doctor. Now Cindi, this had nothing to do with the company. The advice he received was to take away your responsibilities, to give you nothing to do, and to apply constant pressure concerning your religious beliefs. He said that… “If you do this, he will commit suicide or quit within six months”. Dennis talked to me this morning and told me proudly “Well I guess that it worked didn’t it? Cause the little queer is leaving.” Cindi, I am ashamed that this happened. I admire your fortitude, because indeed you can sue us. But I’ve had a long talk with Ellen here. We both know that you are an honest person and that you will be successful wherever you go. I’ve only known you briefly. I wish you the best of luck.”
I never would have believed an attorney to be so open about something like this. He represented the company, but wanted to let me know the real score, now that the company could hide behind its paperwork.
I shook his hand and Ellen gave me a warm embrace. I passed by Amy’s office and gave her a big hug. I told her that I loved her like a sister and that I would miss her. She told me that she would be leaving soon as well. She had filed one of the two sexual harassment suits against the company, which she would win, and she had also been offered marriage by one of the brilliant engineers. I was so thrilled for her.
I walked out of the building and never saw any of them again.
I attended church services on Sunday. Pastor Bruce eloquently announced from the pulpit that I would be leaving.
“Cindi Jones will be leaving our flock this week. I am happy to announce that she is moving on to start a new life. When she came to us, I looked out upon her, and thought that she was a representative from the LDS Relief Society, or that she might be a reporter. I thought that she had come to cause us some trouble. She introduced herself as a transsexual. And I asked her “Oh, are you going to become a man?” She replied that she was going to be a woman.”
With that remark a chuckle rolled through the room, not unlike the wave from the fans in the seats of a football stadium.
He went on to say, “She is a vibrant, brilliant, and loving human being. She is a woman we have all come to love and respect. She has the highest integrity of anyone I’ve ever met. And lastly, the most important of all, she is a very spiritual person of faith and conviction. We have all been blessed by your presence here Cindi. Please take a moment after service this afternoon to say goodbye.”
I sniffled and then tears welled up in my eyes.
After the service, we retired to the reception room and had cookies and punch. I stayed until most everyone had left. Bruce looked at me. “Cindi, would you like to take the left over cookies?” I hugged him with a warm embrace. “Bruce, thank you so much. I love you like a brother. I won’t need the cookies now.”
“Amen Cindi, Amen,” he said.
I cleaned out my apartment and threw everything I owned in the back of my tiny hatch back. It wasn’t much. There was only one thing to do and that was to say goodbye to my parents.
Dad had once told me that if he ever saw me in skirt, that he’d become violent. Sure. Dad the softie. Ever since he and Mom visited with the doctor at St Ben’s, I think that he better understood some of what I was going through. Although he never talked about it, I knew that he had his own problems in his lifetime that caused him pain.
“Look David,” he said. You have to do what you have to do. When you get down there, for crying out loud don’t tell anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, where you live. If you need to be Cindi, then be Cindi. Your mother and I will give you all the support we can. We love you son. We really do.”
My mother was having a very difficult time with my leaving. She knew that if I were to get a job, it would be in California. Not only were there jobs there and companies that would hire me. But she knew that I had several friends there. I told her about Matty and Trish. And that no matter where I ended up in California, I would have people who loved me and could help me.
“David,” she said, “my dear sweet child. I don’t know what to say. I want you to know that I will always love you. Never, ever forget that. It doesn’t matter whether I can accept your problem or not. That will never be an issue where my love for you is concerned. Please, please call, write, and visit us often. You will always be cherished. You will always be welcome in our home, no matter the circumstances. You are loved and welcome here. God bless you on your journeys,” she concluded with “may we have a moment of prayer?” I agreed that would be fine. I knelt with my parents while my mother offered a beautiful prayer.
I kissed and hugged my parents, climbed in my little black Chevy Spectrum and headed to California.
Transition, part 2
There are many books available chronicling the lives of a transsexual. I can think of a dozen titles with which I am familiar. If we exclude the chapter on dressing up as a girl during youth, this is the point where they typically start.
I had to work through so many problems and issues only to reach the beginning. Yet, what would come would be fairly mundane compared to the story we have explored so far. I would have financial problems. I would face blatant discrimination. But I had clear direction. I could list goals and objectives on a piece of paper. These could be written down and analyzed intellectually.
I still had many relationships in my family to mend. I had relationships with my children to develop as far as I might. Although it would be a constant struggle, I knew that I could move on. Squirrel and I would list our goals and objectives and do them.
This is how I would analyze a situation. If it didn’t require the complex skills of interpersonal relationship, I could do it.
I took accounting of the finances I had. I ran the numbers. And then I made my plans.
I drove all night to California. This was when I learned what peace and tranquility inhabited the western deserts at night. The skies are inky black and the starlight actually creates its own shadows on the barren earthscape. I thought that I would tire in the early hours of the morning, but the night invigorated me. Squirrel could run free in the desert at night and she enjoyed being let loose. I would return to see my family as often as I could. Most times, it would be only yearly. Sometimes, I could afford the time and money to return twice. I would always try to make t
he drive at night so that I could use the peace and solitude of the road to let my mind and my spirit fly free.
I arrived in the LA area fairly early in the morning. I quickly found Trish’s place. I had been there once before but I still had to refer to the directions once or twice.
Trish was going through transition herself. She worked for an aerospace company where they seemed to be accepting her very well with her transition. Her parents were good Catholic members. They were very active in the church. Her brother was a priest. They fully supported her. I thought it amazing and I was extremely happy for her in that regard. I had to work through problems with my family. Trish would have serious problems with her finances. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Everyone has their own set of problems to deal with.
Trish had a fairly new condo. It was a small place with two bedrooms upstairs. The front door seemed to be in back. The main entry was logically through the garage door. A compact kitchen on the first floor joined a smallish “great room” on the main floor.
The place was dirty. I felt compelled to take a few days and clean up. I didn’t hold it against Trish that she lived on the slobbish side. I have a bit of that in me myself. When you follow the drive of the Squirrel, you will spend days doing some task or working on a project. Housework will always suffer. Trish was fighting her own demons, following her own Squirrel. In addition, Trish was one of the most considerate and kind women I have ever met. Every one was welcome at her place. There was always room, even though there were only two bedrooms. When I arrived, both rooms were occupied. Trish took the master suite and some other person had been renting the other.
I had the couch at night. It was comfortable.
“Terry will be moving out in a few days and you can take her room Cindi” Trish told me.
We made arrangements for me to rent her second bedroom. I cleaned up the kitchen some and the immediate area around the couch. I would do a proper job when Terry moved out. Planted right in the middle of the small great room was Trish’s desk with computer. I thought that it was a complete mess at the time. In all honesty, I look at my desk now and it isn’t all that dissimilar. The keyboard was planted in the only open space surrounded by a forest of papers, letters, and receipts. These forests have a tendency to grow and migrate. Their canopy can only reach a certain height. Their roots are far to shallow to stand with any stability. The stacks usually require more maintenance than it would be to file them.
