by Richa Resa
Still, my eyes didn’t let go of hers. She once again looked at me, but this time her eyes were wide with an ocean of emotions in them. I should have stopped looking, but I couldn’t. I wanted to drink in the sight of hers, her eyes boring into mine turned me alive. Every inch of my body burned, knowing she was there looking at me. Our eyes lingered on each other and neither of us let go. Sitting right there I felt like a bond was being formed between us, the old strands of love rebuilding themselves from this mere contact of our naked souls through our eyes.
“Sir, your bill,” the waiter informed me, drawing my attention away. I blinked and the moment was lost. Her eyes were no longer on mine. She looked down at the table rather than the male sitting in front of her. Did I ruin her for others like she had done for me?
“Sir,” the waiter called. Turning around, I took the bill and slid money inside, leaving a good tip. I waited the waiter to take it away. I just wanted one more glimpse of her. One last look to soothe my eyes, to make me calm, and make me feel alive. Lifting myself from the chair, I turned my gaze towards her table. She wasn’t there, but the man sat there. I glanced around, spotting a glimpse of her walking towards the restrooms. I should have walked away, for both of our sanity. I should leave her alone as she moved forward on the path of life. I walked where I should have. My heart, beating faster than ever against my ribs, blood rushing to my ears.
I didn’t rush even when I wanted to. My eyes wanted to touch her one last time, my steps following her own. My steps halted in the hallways that led to her. I didn’t wish to scare her or make her run away. I was laughing from the inside. Here I was again, the very same place where I had promised her a future of tears and pain. I let the memories of that day swarm in my mind. I had taken reward in making her cry that day, now I repented it utterly. I leaned against the wall and my shoes seemed to amuse me greatly. The swinging of the door had my heart trying to burst out. I lifted my head with the pace of a turtle. There she was, looking down and her feet bringing her to me. I stood straight and moved to the middle, I really didn’t want to let her go. The whiff of her lavender scent affected my senses. It made me remember our home, my home with her.
“Joshua.” My name slipped out of her mouth slowly. It made me want to have a taste of her lips. Her eyes were wide with shock and a hint of fear in her eyes. I wanted to kiss her, beg her and do away with all her fears. I wanted her love and nothing else, and even if she couldn’t give me that, I could love us enough that she wouldn’t need to.
“Eunice.” Her name rolled off my tongue as if a prayer.
“What…are you doing here?” Her posture turned stiff, but her eyes were an open book for me. In that moment they were filled with so many emotions. The worst part was I couldn’t see love in them.
“I was here with a client. I saw you. Just wanted to greet…you.” I just didn’t want to greet her. I wanted to beg her on my knees to reconsider me again.
“I’m here on a date,” her reply came, giving me the hint enough that she just wanted to walk away from me.
“I saw.” She nodded and her eyes turned away from me. She looked at the walls rather than me.
“I’m sorry. I know it’s never going to be enough for all I did, but that’s all I can give. If there is any way to turn back time, I would do it in a heartbeat.”
“Joshua, please don’t—” Her eyes pleaded with mine.
“Please let me say this,” I begged.
“I love you and I fucking miss you so much. I don’t know what to say or do to fix us, Eunice. I fucked up massively. I have nowhere to go. I live in a house but it’s not a home. It’s just a place where I eat, sleep, and shower. It’s a place where I just barely exist, it isn’t my home. That home was lost to me when I let you go. My home is you, the feel of you, and the taste of you, and smell of you. I’m a homeless man, because without you, I have nothing.” I willed her to make eye contact, but she resisted.
“I love you, Eunice. That never changed and never will, even in the time I hated you. For me, I think it was just another twisted way of me loving you. It sounds so fucked up, but believe me, Eunice. I was fucked up inside my mind. For six months you stayed with me, knowing very well the man I had turned into. You never gave up on waiting for me to return to you. I was a bastard and I know it now, you can call me anything and I will accept it, because I know I deserve it. I’m sorry for all I did. I always will be.” Tears rolled down my face. I just couldn’t control myself. I loved her so much that seeing her, I felt my loss more keenly…without her life wasn’t worth living. Her eyes glistened with tears, but she didn’t let them fall. Closing her eyes, she stood in front of me.
“Why are you doing this? Why are you ruining my date? Why are you trying to ruin me again?” Her words had my body searing in pain. I felt the air leave my lungs from her words. A heart-wrenching pain from my heart was deviating to every inch of my soul.
“Eunice, I can’t live without you. I don’t want to ruin you. I just want to be with you for the rest of my life. You loved me enough for both of us in the past. Let me do it. Let me love you enough for us. Just let me in for one last time. I will never fuck up again, never make tears fall from your eyes. Every day I will love you more and more. My heart bleeds for the pain I caused you. Even in my fucked up mind, I can’t think of hurting you ever. I’m just a man who loves you, Eunice. I never want to hurt you or ruin you again. All I want is a small place in that heart of yours, a small piece in your life till…the day…I die. Till…the…last breath I…take.” Tears were streaming down my face. The floodgate, once open, couldn’t seem to stop. Tears seemed to fall from her eyes too, making me feel like the bastard I was once again. I never meant for her to cry again.
“You don’t see it, Joshua, but you are once again ruining me. Your words of love don’t hold meaning to me anymore. I don’t want to say much, but your words are ruining me again. I’m on a date, Joshua. This is me moving on. I’m hoping you will too. Just let me be,” she said, wiping away her tears.
“If that’s what you want, I will step back,” I lied. I just couldn’t make her cry anymore because I loved her too much. I knew it in my heart that I would come for her again and again. I would beg for that last chance until my last breath because she was the only one I lived for.
“I will let you go,” I lied once more, my green eyes piercing her brown ones. Without any words, she just brushed past me, leaving my body more alive than before. I would come for that last chance again and again.
Chapter 29
Eunice
Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? Why did he have to come back? More than a month had passed since I’d last heard from him. I believed in him when he said he wouldn’t bother me anymore, that he’d let me go. What a fool I was to think so. This was never going to be easy, I should have known. I was a fool. I had seen him at times around me. He was crazy, had gone mad, and lost himself. I went out on date with Clarisse’s friend once more before we decided to call it quits and rather be friends. I had gone on dates with three other men who were great, but not what I was looking for. The worst part was I didn’t really know myself what I was looking for.
Joshua was everywhere I went. At first when I saw him in the park where I was on a date, I thought it was a coincidence but when a few days later, when I was with a female client, I saw him there too. Only then did I come to the conclusion that he was stalking me everywhere I went. He didn’t do anything else, just sat far away and drank me in. I had at times given him stony eyes, but it felt like it didn’t faze him.
I had even talked to Alex about his behavior. He said he couldn’t do anything, that Joshua was being stubborn. Whatever he said to him would just go over his head. Today was proof of it. He had found the address of my new apartment and sent me dozens of roses, first came white, then yellow, and after that, there were white lilies. My phone rang, and I was so goddamn frustrated with all the things happening today that I didn’t bother to look at the number.
&
nbsp; “Hello,” I greeted, but no reply came. A minute later the sound of a sigh filled my ears.
“Please don’t hang up.” His deep voice set me on edge.
“I know you don’t want to talk to me, but please hear me out.” His desperation was clear enough through his voice.
“I am really sorry for all I’ve done, Eunice. I mean every word I say to you. Without you, I’m living a life of sorrow and misery. It’s so fucking hard not to think about you. Ever since I saw you in that restaurant I can’t live without a glimpse of you. God, Eunice, I’m miserable to the levels that I would stoop low to any extent just to drink you in through my eyes, to feel the happiness in your laugh and smile, and just to have your little scent inside of me. I am a fucking wretched man, and I know I’m to be blamed for what is happening to me. I swear I was letting you go. It was on my mind when I heard you were out moving on while I was holed up in my own small world of work. Just one look at you laughing in that restaurant made me drop that idea in an instant. You take my breath away every time I see you. My heart skips a beat every time your eyes meet mine. I know it’s fucking hard to even believe my words, but it’s the damn truth. I have no idea how to prove it to you.” He sighed again.
“Just tell me what to do, but don’t make me leave you alone, because I want to be with you. I want to watch the rising sun and moon in your eyes. I am pathetic without you. You know I look at the moon lately just because I know with surety that it is the same moon that you have looked upon. It makes me feel connected to you, makes me feel like I am a part of your life too. Everything, the moon, the stars, that Orion constellation you are crazy about, and the sun, even if you glanced at that. They all make me feel like I’m part of your life too. This is the level of my misery, Eunice. The air that I breathe, even that I take a mouthful and gulp because I believe that maybe it’s the same air that at some stage of your life you might have breathed too. Think me to be a fool or an idiot, Eunice, but this is what I have been doing for the past month. I love you, Eunice, and I know I made a fool of our love, but please tell me this—is it true that we really don’t have any love left between us?” I should have hung up and saved myself from the misery, but I didn’t.
“I have been lonely. I just didn’t lose you, Eunice, but my fucking mind made me lose everything. Without you, nothing seems the same. Alex is there for me when I need him, but even his friendship doesn’t feel the same as it was. There is this void in my heart without you. I just don’t know what more to say to get you back. I think at times it shouldn’t have been Elle and our little baby who lost their lives. It should have been me. I need to be blamed for all of it.” He hung his head.
“God, Eunice, I love you and I will till the day I die. Until then I will keep on looking at the moon and stars, breathing in the air in hopes it is the same as you breathe. You loved me once enough that you accepted every part of me, even when I sinned. It is my time to love you without limit and I promise you it won’t stop, ever. Not now, not tomorrow, even in my death I will love you. Just this one last time give me this chance, I beg of you in the name of the love we shared.” Tears rolled out of my eyes and it was so hard to listen to him. I could hear the sound of his ragged breaths, his sobs. The pain in his voice traveled even to my heart. His desperation wrapped me in a blanket of mist. His pleading burdened me. How does one do this? How could he do this to me? Doesn’t he see what this was doing to me? Why couldn’t he see this? I should have hung up, but a part deep inside of me forced me to listen. It longed to hear him. Maybe it was the deep love I once had for him that forced me to listen to each and every word. His words were my undoing. The walls I had built around my heart were being pulled down by his words and pleas.
“Eunice,” he sobbed and my heart wrenched in pain. I couldn’t do this to myself. A part of me will always be his, but I needed to overrule it and fight for my own happiness.
“Don’t. Let me go,” I cried.
“I wish I could. I wish I could be a man big enough to let you go, but I’m not. I love you and I will do everything I can that is humanly possible. Time and space are lost to me, Eunice. I can’t live so far away from you. I hurt you, I killed you, I crushed us, but please don’t ask me to leave you alone, to stop, because you are asking me to give up on us. I can’t. I will—” I threw my phone into the wall before he could say more. I cried, his every word hitting me hard. I loved him with the same intensity he loved me and I lost it, we lost it. I tried my hardest to survive, tried to save that dead bond of marriage and see where I ended up in the last. I can’t let him do this to us. I had worked so hard to forget him, to lock away the love I had for him. Every time I heard his voice they would come up. He was ingrained deep in my soul.
Did I want to take him out? No, never. He had been a part of me and I never wished to forget that. I didn’t want to turn into the monster Joshua was. I couldn’t bear the thought of him dying. I would do this to him, I knew. Why? I knew. I could feel it. This anger and pain I carried would fuel me to the point where I would crave to hurt him. He fucked up and became a monster…if I stayed I might become the same too. Our love was dangerous, it was explosive, it was a fire willing to consume us both. It would destroy us. I was scared, scared for the past to repeat itself. I didn’t want to be the monster. I needed to run, to walk away, and to be far away from him. From anything that reminded me of him. I had to go, run far away from him. I needed to slip away from everyone. I needed to vanish.
“I’m sorry, everyone,” I whispered. I would hurt everyone, but I had to walk away. It would be the best for both of us. I just had to walk away and I did it to save him and me. I was too scared, too timid to stay and face him.
***
Two months later…
Lanai Island, Hawaii
The calm breeze brushed my skin, whipped my hair back, and made me forget who I was as I stood facing the strong waves. This place became my paradise and heaven. It became a place where I wasn’t haunted by the mistakes of my past and all the memories I had. There existed only calm and peace beside the deep sorrow I felt for leaving without a word to my parents and friends. I didn’t know what gave me the guts to do it, but I ended up here. I knew the idea of leaving without telling anyone where I was and have them left stranded with a handwritten letter was selfish of me. It was, however, the only thing I could have done.
“Eunice.” Sarah’s baby voice called for me as she paddled around the water with that bright smile. Her smile brightened my day every day.
“Be careful, Sarah,” Clara, her mother, yelled, but that little girl wasn’t listening. She had this habit of getting lost in the waves and sand. Walking towards her, I picked her up and twirled her around as her laughter and giggles filled my ears. She was a happy child, and her happiness had a way of reaching my heart and breaking the strands of sadness I had inside of me.
“I swear she is never going to listen to me. She is going to be the death of me,” she said in frustration. Sarah was an angel for me, but what goes on inside the house was only known by Clara. I knew kids were a handful, but to what limits, I had no clue.
“Sorry, Mama,” the cheeky angel piped up with her angelic smile. Clara shook her head and a smile took over her face. She took her from me and kissed her before putting her down to let her have her fun. Sarah played while Clara and I looked at her adoringly.
“What brought you here today?” she asked, keeping a keen eye on Sarah. I dreaded to answer her questions. She had been asking me the same question for the past month. She was a couples therapist, and the only woman psychologist on this island. She had a good eye to judge people. It took her five days to figure out just by watching me that I was running away from something. She had been so patient with me to open up, but she had her limits. She had forced me to tell her my story after a month of being here. She had listened, questioned me about things about me and Joshua, and talked to me about what Joshua might have gone through. She had made me see both sides of the coin. She had quoted that i
n those circumstances, if anyone else had been in his place, they might have done the same thing. The instant shock had led to make him lose all sense and reasonable thinking. The main culprit here was Elle’s grandmother. She had sown the seed of doubt, and might be the one behind it having grown into a tree. She made me see sense and brought me out of my own shell.
Gone was my worry for getting revenge and being scared about what I might do. She told me it is not the fear inside which controls you, it is you who has the power to control it. If you feed it with doubt and worry, it will turn into a huge monster, and if you didn’t, it would go away. Mine had gone away, but still there existed one thing she asked me to do. I had never confronted Joshua for all that he did to me. There were a lot of things that I wanted to say to him. I needed a clean slate, she said, and for that, I needed to, once and for all, tell Joshua everything I felt about him from bad to good to worse. I just needed my anger to be gone. Keeping my emotions inside was a hindrance to moving forward and see what Joshua was now. I told her things he had done and she was sure that he repented all he had done. The ball was in my court and I had to decide what had to be done.
“I’m going to call him today,” I answered, looking far away into the waves, those waves that I had grown to like.
