by Bill Doyle
A nearby sea monster shouted, “It’s a piece of javelin from about twenty years ago!”
Virgil’s eyes went wide as he gazed down at the Spinner.
Wyatt demanded, “Is that you, Pervis?”
“No, no,” the robed monster said weakly, clearly lying. “I’m not Pervis. I’m just a mysterious Spinner! I certainly don’t know you from the past or hold any kind of grudge against you!”
Dr. Neuron started rushing down from his skybox. Karl had never seen him move so fast. “Leave that Spinner, who has no name, alone!” he demanded, as he hurried their way.
The Conundrums ignored him and pulled back the monster’s purple hood, revealing a zombie underneath. He had three pieces of javelin stuck in his mouth, like oversize teeth.
“It is you, Pervis!” Virgil said, astounded, as the Conundrums and the zombie climbed to their feet.
Karl couldn’t believe his eyes. Could this be the same Pervis from Happy’s play about the Deadcathlon?
“Yes, it’s me,” the zombie said angrily. Pervis tried covering up his face again. But Wyatt stopped him and asked, “What about the rest of the Spinners? Do we know them, too?”
Before the four other robed creatures could stop them, Wyatt and Virgil pulled back their hoods. Karl could see a bigfoot with pole vaults stuck in her braid so she looked like a porcupine, a ghost with a tube sock pulled over his head, a sea monster, and a Frankenstein’s monster.
For the first time, Karl heard Wyatt gasp. “It’s Alexis and Mervis,” he said. “And the other players from our team twenty years ago, at the first Deadcathlon!”
“Ahhhh, cover up their faces again!” Dr. Neuron shouted when he reached the track. “They’re hideous!”
“They look great to me!” Maxwell said. “The purple robes really bring out their twenty-year-old track injuries.”
Dr. Neuron scoffed. “There is nothing more hideous than failure.”
“He’s right!” Mervis said. “We are grotesque. And it’s all thanks to the Conundrums!”
Dennis flitted over and gently pulled one of the javelin parts from Pervis’s mouth. He popped it into his own. “Mmmm,” he said. “Perfectly aged.”
“Bolt sick.” Bolt turned green and keeled over.
Karl yanked a piece of the pole vault out of Alexis’s braid. “This stuff comes right out. Didn’t you ever bother trying to fix yourselves up?”
“Why does it matter?” Pervis said. “We aren’t worth the effort. For twenty years, Dr. Neuron has told us we should wear these purple robes to hide our shame. He said that the Conundrums didn’t want us to run in the first Deadcathlon and planned our injuries during the warm-up. And that they spent every second of every day laughing about it!”
Dr. Neuron turned his head and giggled. When the Conundrums and the Scream Team glared at him, he acted like he was coughing.
“It’s totally the opposite,” Karl said. “The Conundrums have spent every second since that day fighting, not laughing. Just look at them!”
For the first time, Pervis seemed to really check out the Conundrums. He stared at Wyatt’s cranky expression and Virgil’s goofy “whatever” look.
“Have we been wrong all these years?” Pervis asked. “Dr. Neuron said the best way for us to get revenge was to Spin each event in the Deadcathlon against the Scream Team. That way, you’d lose every event so awfully that you’d never want to compete again.”
“Like us,” Mervis said. “We’re horrible.”
“And they are horrible, aren’t they?” Dr. Neuron turned to the crowd. “Don’t you think so? They were a team of different monsters. I hated it then, I hate it now. We need a winner like Alphonse to make the JCML great! He’ll be the next Wolfenstein!”
The words make the JCML great hit Karl like a lightning bolt. He had heard the same words in Happy’s play.
“I should have known it!” Karl shouted. “Dr. Neuron was the water boy! That’s why his voice sounded so familiar in the play!”
“So what?” Dr. Neuron didn’t try to deny it. “Everyone has to start somewhere.”
Karl was putting it all together. “You wanted the Conundrums’ team to fail, because that way Wolfenstein would win and create a huge name for the JCML! You used his success to turn yourself from water boy into the president of the league!”
“Wow, Karl.” J.D. whistled. “That’s impressive.”
“But now that we know the truth, it’s
too late,” Pervis said. “And we saved the worst Spin for the Monster Relay Race.”
“What is the Spin?” Karl asked.
Pervis shook his head. “I can’t tell you that or change the Spin now,” he said. “It’s against the rules. But I can tell you that we chose just the right Spin to make sure that the Scream Team will lose the relay race today and will never want to be a team again.”
Dr. Neuron smiled. “And the Conundrum Cup C-U-R-S-E will continue forever!”
“There is no Conundrum Cup Curse!” Karl yelled.
As he said the last three words, the crowd gasped. J.D. turned red. Dennis shrieked. But . . . nothing bad happened.
“See?” Karl said. “The curse doesn’t exist!”
Dr. Neuron shrugged. “All that matters is that after today’s Deadcathlon, the Scream Team will be so filled with shame they’ll be just like these Spinners,” he said. “Now come with me, Pervis. We have to start the Monster Relay Race in exactly one minute. I want to get ready to crown Alphonse and the rest of the Werewolves as the official winners.”
After Dr. Neuron stomped off, taking the confused-looking Spinners with him, Karl turned to the Scream Team.
“Patsy needs to know there is no curse,” he said. “I have to go find her.”
“But the race is about to start!” J.D. said. His body turned even more red with alarm. “There’s no time!”
“The race has nine laps,” Karl said. “I’m supposed to run the eighth lap. That gives me a couple of minutes.”
Still, J.D. shook his head. “Karl, you’ll never make it. Her house is too far away.”
“I owe her for choosing the Deadcathlon over her win,” Karl said. “I have to try! And we need to run this race together, otherwise we’ll never be a real team.”
Virgil’s half of the body stepped toward him. “Don’t worry, dude,” he said. “I’ll drive you to Patsy in my van.”
“No,” Wyatt said. “I’ll drive you in my van!”
Time ticked by as the brothers fought. The runners from the other teams were heading to the starting line.
Finally, J.D. shook his head and threw his hands in the air. “Just go on your bike, Karl! Go find Patsy and bring her back. Hurry!”
Karl darted over to his bike and hopped on. As he pedaled away from the stadium, he clicked on the radio strapped to bike’s handlebars. Hairy Hairwell was already announcing from the starting line.
“Welcome to the Monster Relay here at the Putridge Stadium Awful Oval! This final event of the Deadcathlon has nine laps. Each team will race nine monsters, one monster per lap. It’s a chance for the Scream Team to actually do something, after failing so, so, so miserably in earlier events.”
Thanks a lot, Karl thought. He turned down Mange Street and nearly crashed into an oozing hydrant.
On the radio, Hairy Hairwell was getting even more excited. “The Scream Team is up against one of the best lineups I can remember seeing. The Sea Monsters and the Frankenstein’s Monsters are very fast. Looking as confident and dashing as ever, Alphonse of the Werewolves is getting down onto his starting blocks with the other runners!”
Karl didn’t need the radio to hear the starting cannon. It echoed out of the stadium and bounced off the stores on either side of the street.
“And away they go!” Hairy yelled. “The Werewolves’ Al
phonse has a clear lead as they come around the first bend. Beck the bigfoot of the Scream Team is using what can only be described as a spatula technique, as he flippers along the track.”
“Don’t trip, Beck, don’t trip!” Karl said out loud, just as Hairy shouted, “And Beck the bigfoot has tripped! It’s a heap of rolling feet. Oh, the monstrosity!”
Karl listened as Beck got back to his feet, finished his lap, and handed off the baton to J.D.
“The racers are fairly even except for J.D. of the Scream Team, who’s way in the back,” Hairy said over the radio. “Thanks to Alphonse, the Werewolves are well positioned as they head into the second leg! But the Sea Monsters are giving them a run for their money!”
Come on, J.D. You can do it! Karl thought, spotting the sign for the Moldy Thumb up ahead.
“J.D. of the Scream Team is actually gaining some ground!” Hairy bellowed so loud that Karl nearly skidded off the road. “J.D. is making the handoff to Dennis the vampire, as the Scream Team starts the third leg of the race!”
Karl swerved into Patsy’s driveway as the Werewolves increased their lead. The Sea Monsters were in second, Blobs in third, and way in the back was the Scream Team.
“Even more way back,” Hairy announced, “because Dennis the vampire has stopped to gnaw on a wooden hurdle.”
“What?” Karl could hear Dennis ask, with his mouth full of hurdle. “Imsh shtarving!”
Karl jumped off his bike and rushed to her front door. The runners would be starting the fourth leg of the relay soon. Karl had to hurry up and get back in time to run his lap.
“Patsy!” Karl shouted as he rang the doorbell. No answer. He sprinted to the backyard. She wasn’t there, either.
Wolfsbane! Karl was running out of time.
Finally, he checked the garage. There she was!
Patsy was leaning over the wheel of her broken bicycle, trying to fix two spokes using parts of her arm.
“Karl!” Patsy said. “Am I glad to see you! I was trying to get to the race. But my bike is busted!”
“What changed your mind?” Karl asked.
“I thought about Happy’s play,” Patsy said. “And how all the athletes on the Conundrums’ first team were different, like us. They let other monsters tear them apart.”
“But we’re different,” Karl said.
“You got it,” Patsy agreed. “We’re a team, no matter what, like the Conundrums. Even if we don’t agree, we need to stick together.”
Karl nodded. He knew there wasn’t time. But he had to say something. “I’m sorry I picked the Deadcathlon over your win,” he said.
“Thanks,” she said. “But now I’m kind of glad you did. I don’t know if I can run across the finish or not, but I’m not going to give up without a fight!”
Karl grinned. “Let’s go!”
They sprinted out to Karl’s bike in the driveway. Patsy sat behind Karl on the seat and he started pedaling faster than he ever had. On the radio, they listened to Hairy.
Dennis must have handed off the baton to Mike, and Mike to Bolt at some point, because Hairy was just announcing, “There’s no way the Scream Team is going to win this event, as Bolt hands off the baton to Eric the blob for the sixth lap!”
“You know what that means, Karl?” Patsy asked. “Eric is about to hand off to Maxwell. And he’s supposed to hand off to . . .”
Karl got it. “He supposed to hand off to me, and I’m not there!”
Patsy unscrewed one of her legs. She used it like a gondola pole to help push them along as Karl pedaled. They zipped into the stadium parking lot and under the bleachers. Even before they’d screeched to a complete halt, the two jumped off the bike and sprinted toward the track.
“There’s Patsy and Karl!” J.D. shouted. He was standing with the rest of the Scream Team near the wrong jump. The team cheered, and Patsy gave a funny bow, but Karl didn’t even have time to wave.
With his wrapping over his eyes, Maxwell stumbled around the last bend of his lap. He was heading diagonally up the straightaway. Without wasting another second, Karl yelled, “Here I am, Maxwell!” and got in place to take the handoff.
When he was about twenty yards away, Maxwell tripped and the baton flew out of his hand. It made a squeaking sound as it left Maxwell’s fingers.
“The Scream Team’s baton is going into the stands!” Hairy shouted. For once, Karl let himself enjoy the sound. He leapt through the air. His teeth came down on the baton with a satisfying clang.
Karl landed on the track, and instantly his paws started pumping, moving his body forward.
“Run, Karl, run!” J.D. shouted.
As Karl began the eighth leg, he realized the Spinners still hadn’t revealed the Spin. It must be something in the ninth leg. He just hoped the Scream Team would even make it to the final lap.
Right now he was half a lap behind all the other runners, who were bunched up together.
To make things worse, Alphonse started trotting along the field next to Karl. He had already run his leg of the race but he couldn’t resist teasing Karl.
“Looks like it’s all over for you, poodle,” he sneered, with the same old smirk on his face. “You don’t have what it takes to be a winner!”
“Maybe not,” Karl huffed as he ran. “But I wouldn’t want to win like you do, anyway!”
“Ouch.” Alphonse pretended Karl had stung him. “As always, you’ve come in dead last.”
“I think you mean he’s saved the undead for last,” a voice said, from the handoff point up ahead. Karl howled with happiness. It was Patsy!
Alphonse seemed so surprised to see her, he actually tripped and fell. “Totally meant to do that!” he said.
Patsy held her arm out behind her back. Karl slapped the baton right to her. The handoff was perfect! Exhausted, Karl jogged over to the rest of his team and watched Patsy tearing down the track.
With the last handoff of the baton, it was time to reveal the Spin of the relay race.
Still in his purple robes, Pervis stepped out on the track. He gave the Scream Team a guilty look, as if he was sorry for what he was about to do. Then he lifted the curtain off the small box for the last Spin of the Deadcathlon.
Inside was a can of spray paint.
Pervis picked up the can and pointed it down. Then he made a long, white line across the track.
Oh no, Karl thought. It’s a finish line!
Karl knew it was the most horrible Spin yet.
Dr. Neuron even let out a happy little giggle. A spiderbot in the bleachers clapped all eight of its legs in excitement. An octocow mooed that it was “Utterly thrilling!” And the vendor selling hot cats dropped his tray so he could watch every horrible moment of what would happen next.
In fact, everyone in the stands leaned forward as if about to enjoy the most monstrous of meals.
They couldn’t wait to see Patsy explode.
Just like everyone else in the stadium, Karl realized that the Spinners didn’t have to add any clever tricks to this Spin to make sure the Scream Team lost. The finish line itself was Patsy’s biggest weakness.
“It’s the ninth and final leg of the relay, and the Scream Team anchor has an impossible job to do,” Hairy announced. “Not only is she half a lap behind the Sea Monster and Werewolf leaders, but she’ll never get across the line.”
Patsy’s stride skipped a little when she saw the line.
Coach Virgil yelled, “Patsy, the line might be finished . . .”
“. . . but you’re not!” Coach Wyatt added.
Their words made Patsy smile. She nodded, and her feet got back into a rhythm that was faster with each step.
Suddenly, Hairy changed his tune as he continued announcing. “Patsy of the Scream Team is making up some lost ground. She’s putting on t
he kick!”
Karl watched Patsy blow by the Bigfoot runner, and then the Frankenstein’s Monster, and she seemed to be gaining on the Sea Monster and the Werewolf.
“The zombie from the Scream Team is really giving the leaders reason to worry!” Hairy bellowed.
Maxwell shouted at the top of his lungs. “GOOOO, PATSY!”
Karl had found something he liked better than running himself: seeing his friend Patsy having so much fun again.
“The Werewolf hears Patsy catching up and he does not want to finish second in this race,” Hairy yelled. “Patsy is driving through the final curve, running the turn hard. The winner is crossing the finish line!”
Karl’s heart stopped as he listened for the results.
“It’s Eleanor of the Sea Monsters in first!” Hairy announced. “Jeremy of the Werewolves in second, Raymond of the Blobs in third. And right behind Raymond is Patsy of the Scream Team! She’s just a few yards from the finish. But will she be able to cross the line?”
“No!” a voice cried from the stands. And Karl knew it was Dr. Neuron.
“You can do it, Patsy!” Karl shouted.
She was a blur of speed, but his sharp eyes could see her foot lift to try to cross the finish line.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhh!” Patsy shouted like she was about to jump into a grave full of mini mouth biters.
Patsy’s foot came down—
“Duck!” Alphonse yelled. “She’s going to blow!” And a few of the Werewolves laughed and put their arms over their heads.
But when Patsy’s foot touched the track and she actually crossed the finish line, the explosion was completely different from what they expected.
The cheers exploded out of the members of the Scream Team, sweeping across the field and down the track toward Patsy. She punched her fist in the air, and it stayed attached to her body.
