Sophie laughed, then reached down and pulled off her stilettos one by one. “Better?”
“Only just, but thanks!”
“How are you? I’m so happy you’re back home.”
“You too,” Felicity said. “You’re . . . home for good?”
Sophie leaned into Gavin then and he wrapped his arm around her waist. “Yes, home for good,” she said.
~
The next hour was a blur as they took over a seating area in front of the living room fireplace and drank and talked as other friends stopped into their circle. At one point, Sophie looked up and saw Conor watching her from across the room. An electric current ran through her at seeing him after all this time. She smiled tentatively and he looked away. The coldness of his reaction made her stomach drop. Was he harboring resentment toward her for having reunited with Gavin?
Finally, Sophie broke away to find a bathroom. There were so many people crammed into Conor’s new house that it took her a while to make her way, wait in line, and get a moment in the restroom. Looking into the mirror, she smoothed her hair and took a deep breath. The evening hadn’t been as bad as she feared. The welcome she had gotten from her old friends, most of all Felicity, was an amazing comfort. And Gavin appeared relaxed as he entertained a group of friends with grand stories for their upcoming world tour. He had coined it the “World Domination Tour” though Felicity vigorously opposed making that title official.
She thought it would be easier to find her way back to Gavin if she stepped outside and wound her way around the house rather than fight through the people inside. She walked through the open doors and took her time going through the garden, admiring the succulents and the fruit trees.
“Sophie.”
She turned upon hearing her name, immediately recognizing Conor’s voice.
“Hi,” she replied, unable to say more. She could feel every beat of her heart.
Seeing him again brought forth a rush of conflicting emotions. She took in his impeccable style, unable to keep from thinking how gorgeous he was. He wore slate gray trousers with a matching low cut vest over a form-fitting silk black tee-shirt. Both the silver chain running from his belt loop into his pocket and his black patent leather Doc Marten boots glinted in the moonlight. She realized that she would always be attracted to his athletic frame and good looks, but at the same time she felt the renewed pain of having lost his friendship when she had needed it most.
He moved closer to her. “When did you come back?”
“A couple days ago.”
“So, this means you and Gavin are really together?”
“Yes, we are.”
He nodded. “You look wonderful.”
“I’m happy.” She hadn’t meant it as a dig but could see a twitch of discomfort on his face.
He hesitated before speaking again. “Listen, I’m sorry about not, you know, not calling or reaching out when . . . when you were in trouble.”
“You had other things on your mind, I suppose,” she found herself saying.
“Soph, that’s not fair.”
“Really? Sounds right to me.”
“Wait a minute, let me understand here, you’re angry with me?”
“Is it really that surprising?” She hugged her arms to her chest to protect against the chill of the night air.
“Can you please explain what it is you expected of me?”
She glanced around uncomfortably, shivering now.
He touched her arm. “Come here to the fire,” he said and led her down a short set of stairs to a fire pit surrounded by comfortable chairs. It felt intimate, romantic even.
“Well, begin at the beginning. Tell me all I’ve done wrong,” he said with a smile once they seated themselves.
“I’m glad you think this is so funny. Forget it, okay?”
“No. Don’t get up. Sophie, please, tell me why you’re upset.” He searched her eyes.
Sophie regrouped and realized that this wasn’t going the way she wanted. Despite her intention, her emotions were dictating her response to him. She hadn’t expected to still feel so betrayed by his complete silence after Gavin found out about them. And after losing the baby. Taking a deep breath, she knew the least she could do was explain herself to him.
“We were friends,” she started. “For years we had a real friendship. And then that was just gone. After all we’ve been through together, after how close we had been . . . that absence hurt.”
“I’ve known Gavin all my life—”
“So, you made your choice. I see.” Even though she knew he had had good reasons, now that he was in front of her, it was hard to accept.
“It’s not like it was that simple, or easy for that matter.”
“Could have fooled me.”
“Give me a fucking break. I was in love with you. Giving up any hope for you gutted me.”
The revelation was not a surprise, but it still made her drop her eyes.
“It was all hopeless from the start, wasn’t it? Admit it to me, won’t you? You never loved me. I made a fool of myself over and again thinking you could, didn’t I?”
“Stop. Please stop,” she said as he worked himself up.
“Thanks very much. I knew it was so.”
She gripped his forearm. “Connie, no. I was in love with you too.”
“What?”
“Of course I was. You know I wouldn’t have slept with you if there wasn’t love there.” Now she watched him quickly drop his eyes. “And it wasn’t just because you were everything Gavin wasn’t. You and I, we always had a connection, from the beginning.”
He took a deep breath and looked at some middle distance in the direction of the fire pit flames.
“So what would have happened had I gone out to LA?” he asked at length.
“I don’t know. Maybe you and I would be together.” They locked eyes for a long moment. “It was impossible to figure out when we were in the middle of it, so now, I don’t know how to say what would have happened. But I don’t want you to think that it was one-sided.”
They were quiet for a long time after that. She knew his thoughts would mirror her own, rewinding time to imagine what would have come from them being together. The initial weeks of getting to know each other as lovers would have been sweet enough to push aside the undeniable guilt. They would have fit together well, already having a genuine friendship to build upon. Their love would be strong and mutual.
But they would inevitably have to face the question of how Rogue would continue. And it would be at this point that Sophie and Conor would see that their choice to be together had effectively broken up the band. Even if Gavin could make a brave attempt to move forward and accept that his wife was with his best friend, it was likely that seeing Sophie with Conor would overwhelm him to the point where there was no future for Rogue. That would mean that both Gavin and Conor would be without the force that had defined their lives.
“After I lost the baby,” she said quietly, “I was so incredibly alone. Not lonely, but just alone. I thought you’d at least call. I wasn’t really all that surprised that Gavin didn’t respond. But I needed you.”
Conor met her eyes and she could see the regret in his face. “I’m so sorry about that. I am, Soph. I made some choices then, thinking that I had to get you out of my system no matter what the circumstance, that I had to commit to working it out with Gavin and the band, and that to approach you would ruin me. I just—that’s all bullshit,” he said to her surprise. “I mean, it’s true. But, it’s no excuse. I am sorry.”
Sophie nodded and looked down at the fire. “A while after that happened, when I started working and making a life for myself again, I finally began to heal. Not just physically but emotionally. But what I kept thinking about, what I knew was missing was the friendship we had had. I had relied on it so much.”
A smile crept over his face, and he shook his head with a soft laugh.
“What?”
“Don’t take this wrong, but
you and Gavin are two of the neediest people I’ve ever known.”
She opened her mouth to protest but stopped because he was right. “I guess that’s why we’re so perfect together. We are probably the only two people on earth who can give endlessly to each other.”
“Must be.”
“And he does need me, Conor,” she said, turning serious again. “You’ve never needed anyone.”
“Except you.”
She shook her head. “Not like he does. I’ve always chosen him because of that. And because I love him down to my core.”
He looked away for a moment before saying, “I know.”
They sat together in comfortable silence for a few minutes.
“I should apologize for giving you a hard time,” she said.
“No, I suppose I deserve it. But what I think is funny is the fact that you forgave Gavin. I mean, you forgave him for everything he put you through. And me, you won’t let me get away with anything,” he said with a bemused smile.
“I know, I know, I’m ridiculous.”
“No, it’s not that,” he said. “I’m thinking it’s that blindness, you know the kind you get from love.”
Sophie smiled. “Yes, I suppose so.”
“You and Gavin will be together forever. You’ll be one of those sickening old couples who finishes each other’s sentences and holds hands all the time.”
That image brought to mind his parents. They were the sweetest couple she knew, and their enduring and obvious love for one another was something to aspire to. It was something she hoped he would find for himself.
He stood then and offered his hand to help her to her feet.
“And what about us? Can we be friends?”
He thought for a moment. “I have enough friends.”
“None like me,” she replied with a smile. She saw he was considering her and perhaps fighting against this argument, but then that old look of adoration won out.
“None like you, that’s true,” he conceded. “Yes, we’ll be the best of mates.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. “Thank you . . . for letting me go, Conor,” she whispered. She felt him start to shake his head in protest. “Because it’s the only way I can let you go, too,” she added.
Conor held her to him even closer, their bodies molding together with the ease and familiarity of lovers as he lowered his face into her neck, and she knew they were both savoring the last time he would hold her like this.
~
“What do you suppose they’re ‘talking’ about?” Colette asked as she came up behind Gavin.
He stood on the second level balcony that overlooked the garden below and had been watching Sophie and Conor’s interaction without being close enough to hear them. When Sophie hadn’t returned from the restroom in a reasonable time, he hadn’t been able to stop himself from searching for her.
Instead of acknowledging Colette, he watched as Sophie pulled away from Conor with what he recognized as a sad smile. She slowly walked away from him and around the front of the house.
Gavin turned and found Colette directly in front of him.
“Have you ever considered that maybe you and I,” she said and pulled at the scarf around his neck, “should give them a taste of what it feels like?” She smiled seductively.
“No. Never have considered it. Not once.” He grabbed his scarf and pulled it away from her and then brushed past her as he went back inside the house.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Gavin found Sophie back at the seating area they had commandeered upon their arrival, a glass of champagne in her hand and a light expression on her face. He watched her as she listened to Martin talking about the pros and cons of taking his kids on tour with them and wondered how she could sit there and pretend at innocence. She looked up then and beckoned him to sit next to her.
Hesitating, he forced himself to remember the promise he had made to her in Paris. He had begged her to give their marriage a chance and told her he would spend his life cherishing her, proving his love. He took a deep breath, tamping down the desire to pull her out of the party and demand to know what she and Conor were so intimately talking about. And then he forced the thought out of his head of how much he wanted a little bump of cocaine to make this situation tolerable.
Instead, he joined her and she rested her hand on his thigh. He looked down at her hand, saw the sparkling diamonds of her wedding rings and fixated on it for too long.
“What’s wrong?” she murmured to him.
“I, em, why’d you take so long, darlin’?” He couldn’t help but ask, though he thought he did a fine job of sounding nonchalant. He hated the neediness he felt at this moment. He hated the weakness pulling at him.
“The line for the bathroom was crazy,” she said and he looked away in disappointment. “Then I ran into Conor,” she continued quietly.
He looked back to her and watched her silently.
“We had a good talk. We put things to rest, Gavin. It’s over now.”
“What does that mean?”
“I mean, you don’t ever need to think twice about it again. There’s nothing but friendship,” she said. “But there is friendship. I won’t give that up.”
Gavin stared into her unwavering eyes for a long moment, assessing this declaration.
“I will always choose you,” she continued. “Always.”
Relief flooded his body. He took her face into his hands and kissed her long and sweetly.
“Oh, get a room you two!” Felicity shouted and the others in the group jeered along with her.
Gavin laughed. “Give us a break. We’re making up for lost time, don’t you know?”
Sophie leaned close to him, whispering into his ear, “Speaking of lost time, did I tell you I’m not on birth control?”
He looked at her with brows raised. “No, you didn’t. That means we’ve been . . . .”
She gave him a sheepish smile.
“You’re ready for that?” He was surprised as this represented a commitment to their marriage he hadn’t thought she would be ready to make for quite some time.
“I’m all in, baby.”
This made him smile and he kissed her again unabashedly.
~
It was the early hours of the morning when everyone but the band members and their partners, along with Felicity, had left the party. The smell of tobacco and marijuana lingered in the air even though no one in their group was smoking. Gavin and Conor were teaming up and telling the story of how they had impulsively joined the open mic contest at an obscure pub not that long ago. The patrons had been a decidedly older crowd and they hadn’t even placed in the top three at the end of the night.
“That’s when I decided it might be time to start working with a new vocal coach,” Gavin said with a laugh.
Colette rejoined them after having refreshed her vodka cranberry. Until now she hadn’t once looked at Sophie, preferring to freeze her out rather than acknowledge her.
“Well maybe you owe those pensioners a debt of gratitude, Gavin,” Felicity said, “because your voice does sound better on this album than ever.”
He reached out and knocked his bottle of beer against her wine glass in thanks.
“Don’t forget the lyrics,” Colette said and everyone looked at her. “Oh, yes, the lyrics. It’s such a wonderful thing to have all those songs immortalizing the fact that your wife and best friend had an affair, isn’t it?”
Conor closed his eyes and felt his whole body tense. It was only after their trip to Greece that Colette had given the album more than a cursory listen. Then she had gone apocalyptic over what she saw as the obvious revelation of Sophie and Conor’s affair. Though there really wasn’t any smoking gun confession in the songs, she was sure anyone listening would see that she had been Conor’s second choice.
“Let’s not—” Conor started.
“Oh, but I thought it was an open topic since you recorded those songs for everyo
ne to hear. ‘You can’t keep what you covet,’” she quoted Gavin’s lyrics at him with a sneer.
“I think we best be going,” Martin said, taking Celia’s hand and forcibly pulling her up with him. She had sat transfixed with gaping mouth as she watched the interaction.
“Yes, we’ll be on our way, too,” Shay said, and Jessica willingly followed his lead.
“Why am I not surprised?” Colette said, spreading her gaze over the group, before settling on Conor. “You’re all so cliquish and incestuous. You never let anyone into your precious little group.”
Conor returned her stare for a moment, wondering at the truth of that declaration. They did have a core group that consisted of the band members and Sophie. Celia and Jessica were welcomed but neither craved the attention and explicit acceptance that Colette did. But he certainly didn’t want to get into this topic at the moment.
He looked away from her and to Martin and Shay. “I’ll walk you out,” he said and led them toward the door.
“And you? What do you think about all of this being put into song, Sophie?” Colette asked, leveling a cold stare at her.
Sophie shrugged. “It’s artistic expression. I would never want Gavin to hold back in any way.”
“Even about this?” she asked. “Or do you get some perverse thrill out of everyone knowing you had the singer and guitar player of Rogue in love with you at the same time?”
“There’s nothing in the songs that says that,” Gavin said.
“You think you’re so clever. It is easy enough for anyone to sort out.”
“I’m sorry you’re hurt,” Sophie said. “It was never intentional.”
She scoffed and then watched as Conor returned. He didn’t take his seat again but rather stood there with arms crossed over his chest, glowering at her.
“What?” she asked him defiantly.
“That’s enough of this. You and I agreed to put this behind us,” he said firmly.
“That was before I realized I’d be humiliated with this album. And before we saw you and Sophie whispering and embracing in the garden tonight.”
Playing At Love: A Rogue Series Novel Page 18
