And it scared the hell out of him.
* * * *
Putting On The Brakes
The next evening Marty stared at South America on his ceiling. He hated that Jay had called Chris to ask about him. When he talked to Jay earlier in the day, he’d just hung up with Sierra Wares, his friend Mike’s widow. The call had brought up a lot of baggage for Marty—baggage he wasn’t ready to share. Why had Jay stirred the goddamned pot?
At a minute after eight, he picked up his phone and texted Chris. Hey. I’m in my quarters. Call when you’re ready.
Marty watched the screen, waiting for a text back. After a few minutes, he set the phone back down on the nightstand. Could he really blame Chris for ignoring him? Maybe it was exactly what Marty deserved. His conversation with Sierra bothered him, and he wasn’t ready to talk about it. With anyone. She’d started dating a new guy, and it was getting serious. Logically, Marty knew that she and the kids needed to move on with their lives, but damn. Even though Mike had been dead going on two years, sometimes the grief came back as if he’d lost his best friend yesterday.
He’d been abrupt with Sierra, and she’d cried.
Jay had called a few minutes later, and Marty had been unable to hide being upset.
Miley’s voice twanged out Marty snatched up the phone. He felt the knot in his chest release when he saw it was Chris’s number. He slid his finger across the screen to answer. “Hey,” he said when he put the phone to his ear. “You’re late. I was getting worried.”
“Yeah, sorry about that,” Chris said.
Marty immediately sensed the coolness of Chris’s tone. He couldn’t help but think his reaction to Chris’s worried phone call last night had pissed off the only man who understood him. “What’s going on?” Marty asked, a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Chris didn’t respond right away. “I was thinking … maybe we should take a break or something. Take a step back. You know.”
Marty rubbed his palm over his face. The awful feeling in his stomach crept upward, right into his heart. “If that’s what you want.”
“We live a long way away from each other is all.”
“You want to see other people?”
“Look. It’s hard not seeing you. It’s hard to tell where we’re at, you know? Maybe we should take it easy until you’re out of the service. Just so no one gets hurt.”
“It’s too late for that,” Marty muttered.
“What?”
“I said, you’re right. We should take a break.”
“Oh. Okay. I’ll…I’ll talk to you later.”
“Yep.” Marty sighed and disconnected the call. Jesus. Chris had broken it off. Just like that. Over. Marty, who hadn’t dated anyone since getting injured except for Chris, wondered if he’d be able to get used to the idea of being alone.
Again.
* * * *
Lose-Lose
Chris hung up the phone. He rubbed his chest as if doing so would make the ache go away. He’d done it. He’d broken things off with Marty. And Marty had let him. He should’ve known that their hook-ups weren’t leading to something better. The disappointment was far more shattering than he’d thought possible.
“I can see other guys. Isn’t that right, Killer?” He stroked the black kitten he’d adopted from a roadside giveaway four days earlier. She’d had only four toes on her back right paw. When he’d taken her to the vet, she’d been diagnosed with Parvo. He’d nursed her back to health with medicine and special food. Now, she curled up on his chest purring contentedly. Who knew a pussy could make him happy?
Chris scratched her behind the ear. “I can have fun. And I don’t have to worry about disappointing anyone. Back to the old motto: Play, but don’t stay. Win-win.” Though nothing about this situation felt like a victory. Really, he and Marty hadn’t made some grand commitment to each other. They hadn’t even talked about exclusivity.
Then why did it hurt so much to know they were over?
“It’s for the best,” he said to Killer.
The kitten blinked at him, yawned, her pink tongue curling between her fangs, and purred even louder.
“Yep. Totally for the best.”
Chapter 5
Mid-October
Over It
Marty waited at the Hampton Inn in Saint Roberts, Missouri for Sierra Wares to arrive. St. Roberts was the small town connected to Fort Leonard Wood, and Sierra had called him earlier in the day saying she needed to speak to him face to face.
He’d wanted to tell her, “no,” but she was his best friend’s widow, and she was bringing their two children. He hadn’t been able to deal with her moving on with her life after Mike. In a way, he felt like both of them, he and Sierra, were letting Mike down. Forgetting about him. How could she be happy with someone else?
Before long, she pulled into the parking lot in a red mid-sized car. There was a man in the driver seat, and the two boys were in the back. Michael Jr. was big enough for a booster chair, but Jake, the youngest, was in a car seat. He’d been born shortly before he and Mike were sent to Afghanistan. Mike hadn’t been able to see Jake take his first steps or say his first words, and there was a whole lifetime of firsts both boys would have—and no father to cheer them on. It was so unfair.
Sierra got out of the car alone and walked to the bench where Marty sat. She leaned down and kissed his cheek before sitting next to him.
“Thanks for meeting me,” she said.
“Why did you bring him?”
“I brought Will along because I want you to meet him.”
Marty’s eyes burned. He wanted nothing more than to leave. “I don’t need to know him or like him, Sierra. You don’t need my approval to move on with your life.”
She took Marty’s hand and squeezed it. “You will always be a part of my life, Marty. You’re Mikey and Jake’s godfather. You were their father’s best friend. More even. Mike always said you were his brother.”
Marty shook his head, unable to articulate his feelings. If Sierra moved on with her life—if she were ready to seek happiness and love once more, then he would be the last one standing. The one left with regrets and sorrows. How could he put that all away? How could she?
Sierra’s eyes glistened with tears. “Mike will always be a part of me. The best part of me. I’ll never stop thinking about him. Never stop missing him. But I can’t stay a widow forever. I have two kids who need me to move on. They need me to teach them more than how to grieve. I love Will. And the boys like him. It’s a big step. And it’s not easy.”
No, it wasn’t easy. But Sierra deserved happiness. And he knew Mike wouldn’t want his wife and kids to suffer. He’d want them to be happy. Marty tightened his fingers around hers and forced himself to look at the man who waited in the car with the kids. He nodded. “Okay.”
* * * *
Easy To Leave
Chris stared at the picture of his mom, dad, and his eight-year-old self, hanging on the wall of his childhood home. He’d had another weekend off, one he’d originally planned to spend with Marty…until he’d managed to fuck it all up. He stared at his dad. A young man then, probably around Jay’s age, his dad had been ruggedly handsome. While Chris had his mother’s eyes and mouth, the shape of his face and his hair color had been from his father.
He missed having a dad.
“Here’s your iced tea,” his mom said when she came back in the living room with a tall glass in her hand. “I hope you still like sugar in it.”
He didn’t. “That’s fine, Mom.” He took a sip and smiled. “How’ve you been?”
“You know me,” she said.
Only he really didn’t. When Dad cut him off, she’d kept contact with Chris to a minimum. He’d spoken to her less than a handful of times over the past eight years.
“Good. I’m glad.”
“What’s going on, Chris?”
“What do you mean?”
“I may not get any prizes for ‘mother of the year,’ but i
t doesn’t mean I can’t tell when you’re upset.” She shook her head. “If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand. But I don’t think you drove all the way here, just to drink tea and reminisce.”
Chris chewed his upper lip and rubbed his chin. “I…” He found himself reluctant to tell her what was on his mind. He honestly didn’t know why he’d driven to his childhood home. In a way, it felt almost masochistic.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, Christopher.” She fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. “But I’d like you to trust me.”
He almost laughed. Almost. “I don’t trust anyone, Mom. That’s the problem.”
She pinched the bridge of her nose. “Your father loved you,” she said as if it were an irrefutable fact.
Chris tugged at his shirt, his knees bumping the coffee table when he leaned forward. He tried to keep his voice level. “Throwing your teenaged son out of the house because he’s gay is not love.” God! He hadn’t come all the way home just to fight, had he? He looked at the front door. Maybe he should run for the exit. “I don’t want to get into this with you. It’s the past, and it can’t be changed.”
His mom rubbed her forearms, her expression remorseful. “I wish there was some way to undo what your father did.” She paused. “What we did. All I can do is tell you that I’m sorry and mean it. I really am sorry. Giving you up was hard for both of us, but your father couldn’t reconcile what you told us with what the good word preached.”
“If you believe what Dad believed then why are you even talking to me?” His anger rose with every bitter word. “You were supposed to love me no matter what.”
“And I did. I do, Chris. But I also loved your dad.” She dabbed at her eyes with the back of her hand. “We were wrong. I know that now, but your dad was sure you’d come around to his way of thinking.”
“You mean his thinking that I chose to be gay?”
“He was wrong. We were both wrong. I believe that this is the way God made you and that there is purpose in your making, even if I can’t understand it. Even if your father never understood it. We talked a lot about you this past year. He missed you. That man was stubborn as the day was long, but believe me when I say he regretted cutting you out of our lives. But it was too late for him. We have to find a way to live with our regrets and our mistakes.” She bounced her foot on the brown pile carpet. “I love you, Chris. And despite what your dad did—what he said—he loved you, too.”
This was as close as Chris would ever come to reconciling with his dad. The vacancy his father had created would never be filled, and since his death, it had grown in breadth. Mom was right. It was too late for Dad. But what about her? Chris stared at his mother and wondered if he’d ever truly be able to forgive her.
“I want you to be happy, Christopher. When you were a baby, I prayed that you would always feel loved, that you would always have joy in your life.”
“I don’t know if it’s possible.”
His mom stood up and crossed the room. She sat on the couch next to him and took his hand. “It’s possible.” She stroked his hair behind his ear. “You’re easy to love, Christopher.”
He shook his head. “I’m easy to leave.”
“Oh, son.” She put her arms around him. “I’m so very, very sorry.”
Chris accepted her embrace and tried not to cry.
Chapter 6
Last weekend in October
Let It Go
Vampires, zombies, and other creatures inhabited the Other Team Bar & Grill for the annual Halloween masquerade costume party. Marty Lincoln had dressed as a burglar, not very imaginative, but it was the only costume he could find on short notice. He wore a black shirt and slacks, a black knit beanie to cover his hair and a robber’s mask across his eyes that tied at the back of his head.
He wanted to see Chris, but he didn’t know what he expected. Chris had made it clear they needed time apart, but it had been a month since their “break” and Marty had hated every minute without Chris in his life. The silence between them had been an invasive emotional cancer eating away at him. Maybe this was what he deserved. He clenched his fists, trying to push away the guilt about his friend Mike.
Jay had invited him to the costume party, not Chris. While his head knew it was over, his heart held out hope. Even so, if he saw Chris with someone else while it would kill him, it might be enough to help him get past the loss.
Across the room, he spotted two men in scrubs with surgical hats and masks. Their outfits were covered in fake blood. One was tall and lean, the other a little shorter, broad and muscular. Jay and Harvey. Jay had told Marty that he and his boyfriend were going to the party as psychotic surgeons. He watched Jay pull down his mask, grinning as Harvey did the same. They kissed like new lovers. Marty’s chest clenched. He wanted so much for Jay to be happy. His brother truly deserved to have someone who loved him completely, and a person couldn’t be in the room with those two and not see how much Harvey loved Jay.
He walked up behind Jay and tapped him on the shoulder. His brother turned, his eyes wide. “Can I help you?”
“It’s me.”
“Marty!” Jay grinned. “I honestly didn’t recognize you. Great costume.”
“It was all I could get. Glad it works.”
“Can I get you a drink?” Harvey asked. He had his arm around Jay with his hand up on the back of Jay’s neck. “I was just getting ready to order another round.”
“Sure,” Marty said.
“What do you want?”
Normally, Marty ordered whatever was on draft, but he wanted something different tonight. “I don’t know. Surprise me. Nothing overly sweet or bitter.”
“Just the way I like my men.” Harvey winked at Jay. “I’ll be right back.”
Jay put his arm around Marty’s shoulders. “I’m so glad you made the trip. How’s work going?”
“Good. The Army is the army.” Marty looked around the room. Everyone was in costumes and he was unable to discern one person from another.
“He’s working the floor tonight.”
“Who?”
“Don’t bullshit.” Jay punched his shoulder. “I am under no illusion that you came all the way up here just to hang out with me. Chris is on the floor somewhere. I’m actually here as backup, in case anyone gets out of hand.”
“He’s doing good then.”
“Yes, but I knew he would or I wouldn’t have promoted him.” Jay nudged Marty. “He might be a shit when it comes to men, but he’s responsible, smart, motivated, and highly organized when it comes to work.”
“Is he seeing anyone?” He instantly regretted asking. If the answer was yes, he didn’t want to know.
“Chris doesn’t see anyone,” Jay said. “I tried to warn you about him.”
“Yeah, I know.” Marty didn’t need reminding. “I’m fine. Really.”
“I can tell,” Jay said. “You know, if I could come up with a professional reason to fire his ass, I would do it.”
“I don’t want him to lose his job because he doesn’t want to date me.” Thanks to their conversations and their exchange of secrets, Marty knew Chris had an issue about money. He bargain-shopped his clothes, food, and personal items. Most of his décor had been bought at garage sales. Also, Chris paid into two different retirement funds and two savings accounts. He constantly worried about money even though he had plenty to live on. “You can’t be mad at him because of me.”
“The fuck I can’t.”
A cold drink was pressed into Marty’s hands. “You all must be talking about Chris,” Harvey said. “It’s the only time I see Jay get riled up these days.”
Jay rolled his eyes. “I’ll stop. I mean, shit, I can’t be madder at him than Marty is.”
“I’m not mad.” He was hurt, embarrassed, and sad. “Let it go.”
“It’s gone,” Jay said.
Harvey raised a skeptical brow. His light blue eyes crinkled into deep lines at the edges. “I’m going to
hold you to it.”
Marty took a sip of his drink. Orange juice and vodka. “A screwdriver?”
Harvey laughed. “I like the classics.”
A song with a hard beat started playing. Harvey looked from one Lincoln brother to the other. “Let’s dance.”
Marty’s thigh ached, and he didn’t think he could make it through a fast song. “You two go ahead. I just want to stand for a bit and work the kinks out. It was a long ride up.”
“Sure,” Jay said. “We can find a booth if you want.”
Marty laughed. “I’ve sat for three hours. It’s the last thing I want to do right now.” He nudged his brother toward the dance floor, a spot they’d cleared just for the Halloween party. “You guys go on. I’ll be right here when you get back.”
* * * *
Everybody’s Fine
Chris dressed as a Viking vampire for the party, long blond wig and all, horned helmet, and a fake leather tunic with fur-lined boots. He checked on the servers, made sure the kitchen staff was doing okay and finished with the bartenders. One of them, Malcolm Reynolds, who looked like the young Michael Ealy, the same gorgeous milk-chocolate skin, and a mouth-watering muscular form, had just started working for The Other Team earlier in the week. He and Todd Nelson were covering drinks, and he wanted to make sure Malcolm wasn’t getting behind.
Malcolm wore his hair cut close to his head. His dark brown eyes looked nearly black in the dimly lit bar. He’d recently moved to town to go to college, so his schedule was designed around his classes. So far, he’d showed up on time and ready to work at every scheduled shift.
Chris leaned against the bar. “You two doing okay?”
Todd nodded as he poured an ounce of brandy into a glass and grabbed another bottle. Malcolm smiled, holding eye contact in such a way to suggest interest, and said, “Perfect here.”
Chris laughed. “You sure are.” He headed back to the floor. Jay and Harvey were dancing, their powder blue scrubs fluorescent under the black lights. Chris didn’t recognize half the people at the party, especially with their faces partially covered. They had doubled the crew for the evening, and they were raking in the money. He’d almost hated giving up working behind the bar on nights like this where the tips were as abundant as the hot men.
The Screwdriver - Dirty Martini 2 Page 4
