by Maegan Abel
Lizzie exhaled and the sound was sad. She stepped forward, reaching out to touch my arm but I side-stepped away from her hand. “Zane, I understand your hesitation. I never meant to—”
“I want proof, Lizzie. Before you say another fucking word, before you ask for a goddamn thing from me, I want proof.” I cut her off before she could start her shit.
“Fine,” she said quietly, her eyes on the carpet between us. “That’s fine. I’ll agree to any test you want to do. You have every right to doubt me.”
“Damn right I do.” I shoved the picture toward her. “I’ll look into the tests and get back to you. But, I swear to God, if you show up here trying to start shit again…”
“I’m sorry,” she said, taking the picture and sliding it back into the yellow manila envelope in her hand. “I just didn’t know how else to get your attention.”
“Bullshit. You wanted to start drama and you succeeded. You fucking lied to them and now I have to go deal with it.”
“I didn’t—”
“Yes, you did! I had no idea about any of this shit! You haven’t said a word to me about it!” I yelled, grabbing my side as the exertion sent a shockwave of the pain I’d drank away to the forefront of my mind.
“Are you okay?” Lizzie asked, stepping closer as I nearly tripped, my free hand reaching behind me to find the wall so I could lean on it.
“I’m fine. You can go,” I said flatly, taking shallow breaths as I worked through the ache. The effects of the alcohol that had still been clouding my mind when I got home were gone. I needed to lie down. But first, I needed to talk to Lili.
“Are you sure? Do you need—”
“No. I don’t need anything other than for you to leave, Lizzie. Now.”
She stared at me, clearly shocked at my insistence. I took a few deep breaths before I straightened up and walked past her toward the front door.
“I mean it. Don’t come here again. I’ll call you when I set up the test,” I said as I held open the door. She stood in the entry, the tears in her eyes clawing at my resolve. “Look, you know if this kid is mine, I’m going to step up and take care of it. Hell, you can’t honestly think I would shut out my own child. I didn’t even shut out Conner when I found out the truth.”
“I know. You’re a great father to Conner and I know you will be to our new child.” Lizzie stepped forward, not wiping at the tear that fell to her cheek as she leaned her forehead into my shoulder. I wrapped an arm around her shoulders automatically, not embracing but trying to comfort her. I remembered vividly how emotional Lizzie was when she was pregnant with Conner so I gave her a light squeeze, trying to soften the blow as I stepped away.
“This doesn’t change things between us, though. I’m with Lili,” I said, not meaning my words to hurt Lizzie but wanting to be clear about where I stood. “I’m in love with her.” I could see Lizzie’s body tense, clearly not liking what I said.
“I understand.” Her voice was darker and she didn’t look up at me before she headed out the open door. I stood, watching until she was backing out of the drive, my brain finally catching up to the situation.
The walk to Tish’s room seemed longer than normal and I could feel the sweat on my forehead as I ignored the quickly rising discomfort. Skipping the pain medicine in order to go to work with Lili, coupled with our activities after our fight, had taken its toll on my body. I paused at Tish’s door, listening to the silence inside. I could feel every punishing beat of my heart. The ache of it against the still healing ribs reverberated all the way to my toes.
When I opened the door, I would have a lot to answer for. No, I hadn’t known Lizzie was pregnant but something told me that wouldn’t be the biggest concern on Lili’s mind. And honestly, she was the only one I was worried about. I turned the knob, taking note of the clammy sweat on my palms as I pushed the door open.
My eyes immediately scanned the room, spotting Tish and Kas sitting side-by-side on the foot of the bed. Paige was looking through an old photo album on Tish’s dresser and Lili…
Lili was sitting against the wall nearest the window, her tiny arms enveloping her shins and her body hunched as if she thought she could make herself invisible. Her chin rested on her knees as she stared at the wall across from her. She made no move to show she noticed my entrance other than a tightening in her eyes.
“I didn’t know,” I said, unsure of who I was speaking to exactly. I never looked away from Lili but she still didn’t move. Paige closed the album and walked past me, not saying a word as she left the room. I glanced at Tish, whose expression was hard but he didn’t speak either. When I heard Paige’s door close, my only thought was I didn’t want to do this in front of Tish. I didn’t want an audience.
I walked over and knelt in front of Lili, resting a hand on the wall beside her to help me balance. I saw the shaking in my hand and I knew it meant my body was fighting too hard against the pain. It was a battle I couldn’t win and I needed to take a pain pill. It was at that moment I realized just how I might be able to start breaking through her wall again.
“I didn’t know. You have to believe that I didn’t know, Pixie,” I repeated her words from what felt like forever ago when she was apologizing for Adam.
She finally looked up, her eyes scanning my face closely. Reaching out, she brushed at the damp hair that was stuck to my forehead with sweat.
“You look like hell,” she said quietly, her eyes brimming with tears.
“I need you,” I said, using the three words I’d said to her in the hospital when I wanted her to crawl into the bed with me so I could relax. She closed her eyes, clearly fighting her emotions as she nodded. I wanted to lift her up — oh hell, did I ever — and carry her to our bed, but I knew I’d never make it.
And honestly, she would probably get pissed off if I tried.
I used the wall to help push myself to my feet and held out a hand to Lili. She accepted and I pulled her to her feet, keeping her hand in mine as I led us toward our room. She didn’t speak but I knew she was uneasy. Her nerves were making me nauseous.
She released my hand as we entered the room, moving to the bed and shoving the blankets back. I grabbed my pajama pants from behind the pillow before sitting on the edge of the bed.
“I’m… going to change and get you some water,” she said, snatching her shorts and tank top and slipping out before I could protest.
Tonight, what had almost happened between us, it probably should’ve changed things. Maybe it would have if Lizzie hadn’t interrupted. Now things were… awkward.
We had become comfortable with each other but Lili was clearly far from comfortable before she darted out of the room. I stood long enough to remove my jeans. I would’ve given anything for a shower to get rid of the reek of cigarette smoke clinging to my hair but it would have to wait until morning. I pulled the pajama pants up my legs and tugged the shirt over my head — trying to remove at least one more offensive article of clothing — and tossed it toward the closet door. The movement caused a piercing pain across my chest and I sucked in a sharp breath as I attempted to lie back to stretch.
Lili walked in, her eyes widening as she hurried over and slid the water onto my nightstand. “Here.” She placed her arms behind my shoulders, bracing me the way the nurses had shown her to help control my body weight while my muscles continued to heal. Once I was angled against the pillows, she grabbed the bottle of pills from my nightstand and shook two out into her palm. Two would knock me on my ass for at least ten hours and there was no way I could afford to be that out of it with everything going on. I needed to talk to her.
I shook my head and she sighed, dropping one pill into my hand before grabbing the water. She took the bottle once I’d swallowed it and sat with it in her lap, still rolling the other pill between her fingers. I could almost hear her thoughts as she debated how to get me to take it.
“We need to talk,” I said, reaching over slowly to brush her hair behind her ear so I could see her fa
ce. She let the pill roll into her palm and stared at it, closing her small fist around it before lifting her eyes to mine. I saw the pain there and it tore at me worse than the wound in my chest. When the first tears fell, I was struggling to sit up so I could reach her. She moved closer, straddling my legs and resting against my thighs so I wouldn’t sit up. I cupped her face in both hands, pulling it to mine so our foreheads were touching while her tears fell between us.
“I don’t… not tonight. Please? Can we please just sleep? I need to not think about it. That’s what I really need tonight. Can we? Please? I just… I just want to sleep,” she rambled, not looking away from my eyes. I saw the pleading in her expression and I knew she needed time.
“Promise me you won’t run,” I said. I hated that I had to ask but I knew Lili and I knew what she was capable of when she was hurting.
“If you take this, I swear, I’ll be right here when you open your eyes again,” she promised, holding out her palm with the other pill. I conceded, releasing her face and letting her grab the water before I swallowed the second pill.
She helped me lie the rest of the way down before she settled beside me, placing her cheek against my overheated skin as her tears continued slowly. I wrapped an arm around her shoulders, wanting nothing more than to kiss her goodnight but afraid to push her.
“I love you, Pixie.”
“I know. Me, too. I love you, too.”
My thoughts were hazy as I first became aware of the brightness behind my eyelids. I felt light-headed and I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that I must have been dreaming. I stretched, groaning as the ache in my chest registered with the movement. My muscles were stiff as I fought to clear my head, trying to remember where I was and how long I’d been asleep.
The memories of the previous night flooded me. The absence of Lili’s weight against me was obvious then and I pried my eyes open, blinking to focus as I glanced quickly around the room. I spotted Lili almost immediately. She was sitting sideways on the edge of the bed, her teeth toying with the metal in her lip as she stared at the wall across from her. She didn’t look at me but I could tell by the soft sigh that she knew I was awake.
“Hey,” I said, drawing her eyes to mine. The paleness of her face and swelling around her eyes told me everything I needed to know. “Did you sleep at all?”
She shrugged and her gaze slid back to the wall, away from me. “A little.”
Slowly pushing myself to a sitting position, I reached out to her. She looked at my hand, then my face, before finally scooting closer and crossing her legs, sitting opposite me but just far enough away that I couldn’t touch her. I hated it. I hated that she felt the need to distance herself from me but I could see the resolve in her expression. She was protecting herself.
“Can we talk now?”
Her eyes dropped to her lap and she took a deep breath before looking back up at me. “Is it yours?” She apparently wasn’t hesitant to jump right into the hardest part of what we needed to discuss.
Feeling somewhat defensive, though I had no reason to, I carefully crossed my legs, resting my elbows near my knees as I leaned forward. I ran both hands over my head and pressed my forehead into my palms as I stared at the blanket covering my lap. “I don’t know.”
“But it could be.” This wasn’t a question and her tone changed, causing me to scowl at her.
“Yes, okay? It could be,” I snapped and she narrowed her eyes at me. Her anger fueled my own and though somewhere in the logical part of my brain I knew better, I continued. “What? It’s not like you didn’t know I fucked her.”
The flash of pain across Lili’s face was so brief that if I weren’t watching for it, I would’ve missed it completely. The hurt was instantly gone and the mask of the invulnerable girl was in place, just as I knew it would be.
“Well, it takes a certain kind of dumbass to sleep with a woman that he divorced for cheating. And only a moron would fuck a whore without a fucking condom.”
“Do you really want to start comparing who we’ve been with recently? Because…” I trailed off, stopping myself before I took this any further. Clenching my jaw, I swallowed the anger still bubbling up from the pit of my stomach. She was right and I knew it.
She was silent and I dropped my eyes between us. As I did, my gaze locked on the scar along the side of her foot. It was one of many marks left on her from her escape and it was a reminder to me of my own injury — a reminder of almost losing her.
“I rarely let myself get as trashed as I was that night.” My voice was barely above a whisper. The hazy memories of that night were painful but I wanted her to understand. I needed her to. “It felt like I hadn’t slept in days and I had been everywhere looking for you. I ended up at Silver Moon. I don’t know why, but I was hoping… I don’t know. I was just worried. I knew Adam was…” I didn’t finish that thought, not sure I wanted to go down the path of what Adam was doing.
Finally, I looked up at Lili, meeting her eyes. “I was terrified. And then he sent me a picture of you and him…” I shook my head, wishing I could un-see the final image Adam sent of him and Lili kissing. “I flirted with the waitress until she brought me the entire bottle of tequila. The next thing I can really remember is Kas screaming my name. I’ve got a few fuzzy memories that came back later but the thing is, I’ve already apologized for this. I can’t… I can’t undo what happened. The mistakes I’ve made…”
I ran my fingers along the hem of my pajama pants, pinching the fabric and tugging at a loose string while the silence built around us. The mistakes I made that night were never-ending, it seemed. For the first time since Lizzie’s announcement, I let myself truly consider the possibility of having another child with her.
Lili’s thoughts seemed to follow the same path mine had. “So, if it is yours, where does that leave us?”
I reached for her, needing her close as I saw the vulnerability of my Lili return. I hissed as the movement pulled the still tight muscles of my back. I hated having to stretch so much to loosen up now. Lili’s eyes widened, clearly concerned. I held out my palm, curling my fingers to beg for her hand. She let me pull her closer, helping me adjust until I was sitting back against the pillows and she was on my lap again, facing me and as close as I could get her. I could see her eyes shining with the tears she refused to shed and I cupped her cheeks, pulling her face close and pressing my lips against her forehead, her nose, and the very corner of her mouth before holding her just far enough away that I could see her entire face clearly.
“As far as I’m concerned, it changes nothing between us, Pixie. Nothing. I will love my child but I don’t love her and nothing is going to change that. I…” I couldn’t seem to find the right words and I could see Lili’s uncertainty. I released her face and grabbed her hand, holding it against my chest, directly over my heart. “My heart is still beating because of my son. So many times over the last few years, I’ve wanted to give up. Conner is the reason I keep going. He is my heart. If this child turns out to be mine, and I’m not convinced that it is, but if it is, I will feel exactly the same way about him or her as I do Conner. They will each be half of my reason for existing.”
Lili stared at me, her wide eyes still shimmering as she took in my words. I pulled her hand from my chest, holding it between us in both of mine as I continued. “Conner is my heart, Lili, but you have my heart.” I squeezed her hand and looked down at it. “You hold it. I’m trusting you, giving you this part of me willingly.” I dropped my voice again, the depth of my feelings for her nearly overwhelming me as I began realizing it myself. “And this is the most important piece of me because it includes my son.”
I saw her tears fall between us before I looked back up at her face. “I’m trusting you,” I repeated, still holding her hand as I tried to find a way to explain. “Conner will always be my heart. He will be a part of me forever. No matter what happens in his life, he will always be my son. But you…” I had to swallow the lump in my throat before I could
continue. “You could crush me in a way he never can because you could choose to walk away.”
Lili leaned forward and I reached out, pulling her to me as she buried her face in my neck. She sobbed softly and I held her tightly, fighting to keep my own emotions in check as I let her work through what I’d said.
“Never,” she breathed against my neck on a sob. She pulled away just a tiny bit, tilting her chin up to look in my eyes. “I’ll never walk away. You own every piece of my heart, Zane.”
I stayed curled against Zane’s chest much longer than I had intended but the exhaustion of my sleep deprived body caught up to me once my emotions calmed. I didn’t sleep so much as doze off and on, some part of my brain aware that I should move because I was probably hurting him but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I needed the comfort of his arms.
“What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?” Zane finally asked, his voice soft as his fingers trailed slowly through my hair.
Smiling, I pressed my lips against the bare skin of his shoulder. “I’m just thinking about relationships.”
“Ours or in general?”
I moved, carefully crossing my arms over his chest and lightly resting my chin on my hands as I looked up at him. “Both.”
He smiled warmly at my response and brushed my hair behind my ear. The simplicity of the gesture had tears stinging my eyes. His gaze slid back and forth as he watched me, seeing more than anyone else ever could as he read my expression. “And what exactly are you thinking about them?”
“I’ve never…” I started, swallowing the emotions so I could continue. “I’ve never done this before. I’ve never wanted anyone this way and something you said… stung.” I didn’t want to say it hurt, though it did, but I didn’t want to upset him. I knew we were both feeling on edge and unsure of what was going to happen.
Zane’s brow furrowed as he traced the pad of his index finger along my jaw lightly, encouraging my eyes back to his from where they had drifted. “I’m so—”
